Friday, December 30, 2016

Why I don't really do birthdays.

This has nothing to do with crossfit, goals, fitness, wellness, healthy living, or anything other than what the title implies. No hidden message, agenda, or encouragement.

I don't enjoy my birthday anymore.

When I was young my parents did a great job of making me feel special on my day.  I was always one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go to school.  Presents, a special dinner, I had parties, sleepovers, pizza parties, skating parties, etc...

Then I got older.

21 was a chore, not a fun party.

25 was crap.

30 was liberating.

35 was "oh, I'm almost 40, but I still have time"

40 was devastating.
* This year I really tried to be better, to not cry, to not think about all the things I think about so often.

I feel like that's where I am this day every year.

I've realized a lot of things I dreamt of when I was younger were just dreams that would never happen.  I had to let those go.  It's the right thing to do.  and I've done okay with that.

Most of the time.

And then this day comes around, I don't plan anything anymore. No one is ever around to do anything.  If they are, they bail out (minus a very small few who step up and do everything to make me feel special).  Most get busy, are traveling, have family plans, etc.  So for someone who isn't traveling, who doesn't have a family, who isn't busy, it's one of the loneliest feelings and days of the year.  Having New Years Eve the next day and spending that alone, too, well... yeah, there's that.   But it's the reality.  It IS what it IS.  I can't change that.

I removed my day being listed on Bookface. I don't need 2381326 posts from people I never interact with and don't talk to.  No one can post on my wall because it's on lockdown. I feel like it's a great day for people to stop by and be nosy, see what I've been up to.  So no, I'll pass.

My sis put up a sweet post, which was appreciated, and also made me cringe.  Every person that likes that and comments on it, okay great, whatever.  Why do you care today?  Because someone reminded you?  Eh, meh... I'll pass on that, too. (not her, the likers and commenters)...

Look, it's a shitty time of year, a shitty season of me, and not something that I love.  It gives me more anxiety than anything.  So the faster the clock ticks today the better.  I just want to get past it and go to bed. I want things back to normal.  today isn't any different for me. People seem sad when I say this, but it's true.  This date means absolutely nothing to me other than it's the date that will be on my birth cert, death cert, and headstone.  That's it.  I'm not being morbid.  I don't have any reason to treat this day any different. I don't celebrate because there aren't many who can celebrate with me.  I could throw a party, but no one would show up.  I'm not being dramatic, I'm being real.

I'm not going to advertise for attention.  I don't want the attention.

You wishes are sweet.  I just don't need a post, a comment, a like, or anything really.  I'm older. I hate it. My grace is falling and my give-a-damn is breaking.

I don't expect you to get it.  I'd feel like an asshole asking you to.  The only thing I can do is try to explain it.


Tuesday, August 30, 2016



Have you ever had a man comment on your size, figure, body, appearance?  It's such a strange moment.  It's even more strange when that comment / compliment is "thick".  Example:
Let me tell you what men like. Men like a thick woman. You're thick". Me = spits out drink, not really but I could have if I had taken one. "Oh, that's nice. Well I never knew that. I'm glad you let me know".


Seriously, when did that ever become a thing and even a thing that women want to hear or is even remotely acceptable to say to anyone? "Honey, you're thick". That's awful. There's not one thing about that that would even make me consider hearing it as a nice thing. 

I'm wearing the same jeans I wore yesterday and the day before, they're new, and they fit really well. I have an ass, I do my squats on the reg, and I squat heavy on occasion, too. I have thick thighs that I'm busting my "squat" ass to tone up, and get them smaller. I don't want them thick. I want them toned. I want them to be muscular. I want them to look like I can run and I can kick your ass.  I probably wouldn't do either, but some asshole telling me I'm thick won't know that. 

At first I was a little hurt. I was offended (still am). But I have thought about this for a couple of days now, and I've learned a few things:

1. I hate being called thick. 
2. I'd most likely be uncomfortable with a stranger coming up and making any kind of unsolicited comment about my figure, ass, chest, outfit, appearance, etc. 
3. I'd be more in to anyone who takes a notice to me coming to talk to me and engaging my mind, having a conversation about interesting topics.  Using the mind is way more sexy than all the physical bullshit. 
4. Apparently "Thick" is a compliment is some areas of the US, mostly culturally driven. I still don't understand how.  That's like telling me right is left and left is right, and no no no, that's not true at all! Is this some kind of Seussical trickery?  Mind Fuckery? That HAS to be it. 

Y'all, now I'm just mad about the whole dang thing. How dare this guy? and I'm mad that I let this get to me at all. 

The only thing I want thick is my steak. 

And maybe my skin.  Because let's face it, those with thin skin get hurt easier and let shit get to them.  Hey, Hi, Hello.  

good grief. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Society is a Bitch.

Let me explain.

This goes all the way back to when you were born.  Your parents most likely had these really big dreams for you.

"What will she be?"
"She's so smart - she's mimicking my sounds."
"She can read really well - a third grade level as a 1st grader!"
"She's going to be so successful"
"She loves puppy dogs, I bet she'll be a vet"
"She's so good with kids, she's going to be a great mom"
"She in the top 25% of her class, she's practically a genius"
"She's a gorgeous girl. Her figure is so curvy and svelt."

You KNOW what I mean.  Beauty shop talk. Think "Steel Magnolias" at Truvy's.

These perceptions and expectations that are put on us (boys / men, too) when we are just babies, growing up.  This doesn't stop as we get in adulthood, either.  Only we have a larger audience setting those expectations and creating those perceptions.

"Oh, she's changed jobs 3 times in 4 years. Why can't she keep a job?  Why is she always looking for a new one?  Why is she still single? I thought for sure she'd be married by now.  Why doesn't she have kids?  She would have been a great mom... "

On the other, less encouraging side is the "I wonder what's wrong with her that this, this, and this..."

So much of all of this talk that goes on around us, to us, about us... these things create the perceptions, opinions and expectations we often create for ourselves.

It's been something in the back of my mind for a while.  All of the "why did I want to get married and have kids, a job, this life that I had growing up?  Is it what I truly would need to be fulfilled and happy? Or is it what I knew and was comfortable with because I was raised to expect and want those things?"

Truth is, I don't even really know.

Today I think I've worked to have a better grasp of my being, purpose, and fulfillment.

This is what I want.

Time freedom to have the ability to help others, help myself, and keep grinding away toward optimal body composition, eating my way to a thriving metabolism while gaining more muscle and muscle tone. I may never have a 6 pack but it doesn't mean I won't quit working toward that finding happiness when / if I achieve it. And if I don't that's okay, too.

Peace about where I am in life instead of fearing the strong chance that I won't have a significant other to grow old with.  This is something I struggle with, trying to discern my true heart's desire vs. what I've been taught to desire... but deep down I do want to connect with someone on a heart level. I also have to resolve that may not be in my cards. So I keep looking for peace around me, through my activities, my pursuit of heath, my friendships (which those alone have become more defined, true, and purposeful).  When you don't have to try or mind your words around those you love, you know you are with the right friends.

Anyway... all this to say don't let what society dictates as successful, beautiful, fit, strong, smart, or anything else define you. Trust yourself enough to find that peace within your soul where you know you're doing the best you can with where you are and who you are.  If you want things to change for the better, to have more of that peace, then go after it.

If you need someone to listen and offer up some encouragement, reach out to me. (Whomever, if anyone reads this anymore?)

do what you do for you.

I'm going to be working on completing my Eat To Perform Coaching Course by the end of this year.  My hope is to be able to bless others with the knowledge and food freedom this program has given me. The peace I have with food, and no more "labels" other than "carbs, fats, proteins", is beyond liberating.

Society is a bitch.  You don't have to be friends with her.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

No Worries.

I say that often. "No worries."

Someone can't make an event? No worries.
Someone didn't text back right away? No worries.
Someone stepped on my toes?  No worries. (as long as they acknowledge it ;) )

Facing not having a job?

Truth be told, I'm not so much "worried".  Will there be time of uncertainty?  Yes. Will money be tight? Yes.  Will I have to cut out a few luxuries I've come to enjoy?  Most likely.

There are a few worries, of course.
Will I be able to afford to stay in my apartment?  I don't know. Depends on how long this lag is.
Will I be able to stick with my ETP Group Coaching?
Will I be able to afford to keep my membership with Crossfit?

These are all things paramount to me being successful and happy.  I don't tie my happiness to them, but these all play a part in me being okay.  I know I have a tendency to crawl in to a hole when things take a down turn. I know days get darker. I know this happens when the seasons change, too.  I am making it a point to head any of these things off before I have a second of self doubt and a chance for depression to rear its ugly head.

I honestly don't feel that it will be long term, this employment pause.  There are things I have wanted to do for myself and this will afford me the opportunity to do so.  I will be able to take the time I need to organize and deep clean my apartment.  I will have a flexible schedule.  I have friends that I will be able to go help with things they need help with.

I can babysit, do odd jobs, paint, craft, clean, pack, move, dog sit, dog walk,   That's all for money and other people.

For me, I can clean, organize, get to work on making card sets to sell, finish my ETP Coaching Certification course, start marketing for clients, tie that in with my Advocare business, and find fulfillment in helping others find a way to be comfortable and confident in their own skin and existence. Where that is through diet, exercise, both, tracking, macros, supplements, etc. I want to help.  I feel like there's a whole group of people who have some how bought in to the myth of undereating equals being fit and thin, which is one of the biggest lies I ever believed.  I don't want anyone else to ever suffer in that mindset and set themselves up for a continuous cycle of negative self talk and sabotage. Lord knows we have a whole society that does that, we surely don't need to help nor contribute to that.

I truly believe all of this will work out the way it is supposed to. To health, happiness, and no worries.


Wednesday, July 13, 2016


I am SO good at it. Let me tell you how.

I've been on this wellness / get healthier track for a long time. I'm sure I could trace it back to forever if I really thought about it and wanted to.  all that to say, however, that all for but a couple of downward spirals when I honestly didn't care who or what or when or how, I've had a subconscious desire to be the best version of me. I hope that never changes.

My self confidence, however, has always been somewhat questionable. I go through phases of feeling amazing, wanting to look my best, attract the right people to surround myself with, etc.  I think I've done a fairly good job at that, too, minus a few blind spots.

So that brings me to what led me to write this today.

The 30th of June I got down to 189.2 lbs. That may not be anything to someone who has no trouble living at 130 or so... I'm sure the perception of someone who is almost 190 - 200 lbs is a bit different than me, or maybe not... anywho, that's not my focus.  I'm sharing my weight because I was PROUD of that.  I've worked really hard to get to that point, tracking, counting, working out, being mindful.  I earned it.

I shared my progress with everyone on my FB page, instagram, my ETP groups.  I was celebrated a bit, which wasn't my intention - I honestly wanted to encourage others to keep fighting for themselves and not to be afraid of the hard work (because it's really not that hard when you have the right things in the right places). but people were commenting about my body changing to my face.  It felt REALLY good. I'm not great at compliments and I don't love attention.  I need some of both, I think we all do to some level, but these things have always been some sort of sabotage trigger for me.  It gives me freedom and some twisted lack of discipline.  I don't understand it, nor can I diagnose what drives my mind switch, but I get some kind of permission to "let go".

So that's what I did.

Two weekends ago, July 4th weekend, I was a bit gluttonous with my food, didn't track much that weekend, and I was back up to 194 the morning of July 4th. I thought "if I'm really good this week, I'll just drop right back down to where I was".

That was a lie I told myself.

Sabotaged again.

Then I had a "fat reality check" when I noticed my numbers were wrong in my food tracker.  This meant I had been over eating my fats for a good two weeks, and not getting enough carbs.  This messed with my head, led to confusion and disappointment for me. I used this as another excuse to sabotage and not take accountability for what was happening on the scale.

I worked my way down to 191 Friday morning. I was making up some ounces, progress. Again, my mind thinks "eh, I'll be able to wing it this weekend.. it'll be fun. I don't need to micromanage my food. I'll be in control."...

Another Sabotage.

This past weekend - I wouldn't have traded any of my time and fun with some of my closest friends for ANYTHING - I should have been more diligent and mindful of my food choices. I was beyond gluttonous. I can't tell you all of what I ate and drank. I can tell you it was all too much of this, too little of that, and I still feel disgusting for most of it (except for the sushi b/c THAT was the best!)

I met Monday morning with a bit of disorientation, exhaustion, and another fat check on the scale at 194.6.  I knew it wouldn't be great, and honestly, I'm a bit surprised it wasn't worse.

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm letting myself down. I know I won't ever get to my goal of 18-20% body fat (living range I want to be at when I hit my ultimate goal), with these different lies and moments of sabotage. I need to be better. I need to believe in myself more.  I can't keep losing the same 5 lbs.

I need to do this for me.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Always a long time....



I really do like writing here.  I don't know why I always lag between my posts. I don't know what I wrote about last. Today, I'm in an okay-ish place. I'm not complaining, I'm not going to be a cheerleader word vomiting all the great things you don't need to hear from me to get your own ish straight.. I'm just gonna let my mind go for a hot second...

Read it with me?

ETP (Eat to Perform):
This is going really well. 6 months in and I feel more confident with myself, my mind, my body, my crossfit efforts than I have in a time frame I can't begin to pin down. The community is as big a part of this as the actual food part.  Group coaching has been an afforded blessing, keeping me on some kind of track, even when I'm not tracking my best. I liked my first coach, and recently changed to a new one who I feel is an even better fit. She's forged a path I'm excited to follow and hopefully reach my results.  If I can be half the success she is, THIS possibility is exciting.

I have also signed up to take the ETP certification course, and I'm eager to learn so much more about what ETP is, how it words on a macro/micro level, and see if there are doors that might open there for me to help people reach their goals. My sister has recently joined the program and I am SO excited to see what she will accomplish with this, too.  There IS power in numbers and it's so much more fun to do it with friends and family than to go it alone.

One of my sweet and best girls and family recently moved and have graciously taken me out on the lake for the past couple weekends. I honestly had no idea how therapeutic this has been for me.  I feel like I have been re-centered a bit.  I've been craving beach time and a WPB, FL trip for so long, desperate for it, even.  These little day outings have put that at bay for now, and given me a really sweet time to breathe and just be.  Even with the 123036789084 things they have going on, they have shown friendship and grace, invited me to be a part of their family, and treated me as nothing less.  I honestly think that's been a huge part of it, too. With so many bittersweet and chaotic things going on with my own family, it's been a treat to have those moments and allowances to just "be".

Back to running and other basics. 
It seems like it's taking me forever to really get my legs back in good working order. Injury upon injury, back to back to back, basically.  Right foot, left ankle, left calf... let's not forget to mention the shins what tried to do all the work and getting too tight for much of anything, too. I mean mercy!  BUT I'm slowly coming out of those things, and making them work again.  I know it's silly to celebrate, esp. when you aren't much of a runner at all in the first place, but damn... Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to.  Let's read that again...

Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to.

It's still not my favorite, but I will take running over any day of not being able to do so. I've also started working burpees back in to the mix. Those still suck and I didn't miss not doing them, even though I know I need to for a multitude of reasons I'm not going to go in to here (because there are really that many of them), but the fact that I actually can get both legs back up at once, in a wide stance, I feel like the movement is much more fluid.  I'm spending a lot of time doing more lifting and building muscle.  My form is being broken down in to more macro movements, working on getting things right and solid so I can start adding in more substantial weight to work with. My biggest obstacle, other than anything gymnastics or speed / endurance, is getting under the bar. For some reason my body thinks I need to muscle up everything with my arms. :-P

Overall it's going really well.  I'm having fun and continually hitting new milestones.  I finally hit my sub 2 minute 500m row, so that felt pretty amazing.

This one is weird. I was about 60% certain I was going to be losing my job July 1st.  somehow it was extended to September 3rd.  I'm hopeful there is a place for me post project with the same team, as the installs slow and halt, to do follow up and post deployment work with one of my team members here.  I am going to be spending time in August to look for other opportunities, however.  I am at the point, financially, that I need to stay close to my current pay rate, put more and more aside to try and buy a home next year.  I need stable and steady employment to do so.  So we shall see.  I finally have a supervisor who is invested in seeing me succeed, providing me opportunities to prove myself and work with the other teams, strengthening my skill set and allowing me to have my hands in the dough, if that makes sense.  Somewhat encouraging and I'm thankful for her.

I'll try to do better updating more here on a more regular basis. It's as good for me to do as it is to satisfy those of you who are nosy ;) (I'm nosy, too... I'm a blogger, I get it....)


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

130 Days of Changes

130 days.
11.6 lbs down
14.8 lbs of lean mass added
10.8% body fat lost.
This may not be fast, but it's forever good for me. And that feels REALLY REALLY good.

I posted that on Facebook, and wanted to make sure I remembered it and had a place to find it in 70 days or so.  

This morning I felt confident. I didn't feel shame, or wish I looked different, or think negative until I thought about it.  Up until this point, it was my default.  It was the first thing I saw, something negative... my knees are too flabby, my stomach is huge, my arms look fat... The negatives are easier to see.  I NEED positive. I NEED confidence.  All of that put together, with a pretty package, I would want to date myself... haha, kidding... sorta?

My mom this past weekend (we were there packing and moving more stuff), make conversation about realizing I may end up being alone going forward, and it's something I have to, and do consider, of course, but bless, WHY does it need to be said?  I'm grown, I'm okay, and I'm doing all of this work now so I can live later. I'm not giving up on me.  I don't want to be riddled with arthritis and not able to be active in 30 years. I wanna be the old lady who still shows up and gets my work done at the gym.

I've been doing a little mini-cut for the past 3 weeks, going in to the Bach party weekend next week, and my body has responded really well.  I've lost a couple lbs, toned up a bit, and my lifting efforts aren't necessarily doing fantastic, but that's to be expected.  I've been working on some gymnastics movements, high reps, low weights.  The programming has helped me a ton right now, too. 

My plan for the next few months are as follows:
Mini cut up until 5/19 
Eat as I can, mindfully 5/19-5/31
June 1st - July 28 - PFFL (Performance Focused Fat Loss) 
June 28-Aug 1 - Wedding in Louisiana 
Aug. 2 - 12/31 - Eat at normal macros for 5 mos.  
2017 - PFFL for 12 weeks. 

Crazy, huh?  2016 is half way over and the other half is going to fly by.  I definitely like and need a plan to be successful. I can't wait to see what the next 70, 170, 270, days hold.  I love feeling successful in a plan I've worked on myself.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Spring Cleaning (Of Sorts)

Man, I really suck at updating this thing regularly.

Here's the Skinny:

Since Feb. 18th (last update),
I've been moved out of my role and in to a new one at work.  The new one has greater reward, where I have an opportunity to feel like a true contributor to the success of the project, which is great.  However, with this, my opportunity for employment has been taken away as the new role is contract only, with a hard stop at then end of October.  I've also been told that my role and employment on this project has now become a month-to month status, where I am reviewed and the need for my presence is looked at as such.  So they could cut me at any time.  There's also been tension, frustration, condescending passive aggressive behaviors and emails, ... so much so that I'm at the point of looking for new opportunities, but not leaving this one until something else comes my direction.  Praying for something sooner than later, all for a bit of breathing room and peace of mind.  Security would be a bonus.  I don't remember the last time I had that, career wise.

It's been a good first 3 months of the year, as far as my body comp and changes go.   A lot of this is attributed to ETP, the coaching staff there, my understanding of the importance in logging all of my food every single day, and my crossfit community and coaches allowing me to do a little bit of customization and support.

None of this is a fast change.  However, this will be a permanent and lifelong change.  I am losing fat.  I am gaining muscle. I am eating to fuel my workouts.  It's WORKING!!! So far I've lost over 10 lbs of fat, added almost 10 lbs of muscle, and I'm hitting PRs like crazy. Prime example:  My Deadlift max is listed at 225#s. Not some small little number.  A week ago, I deadlifted that weight 5x in a row. It'll be interesting to see what my new number is. 250? 260? 270?  No matter what it is, I'm having fun.  Strong is fun.

I'm finally getting things in some kind of order. Nearly a year later, the craft room / guest room is coming together to be an actual working studio. I've got more work to do, but the vision is coming together.  My master closet, well, it's not functional for me. Things have their place, but it's not how I want it to be. Minus the fact that my size is all over the place, I'm not sure what fits my arms and shoulders anymore. It looks like I'll be trying on and tossing out quite a few things in the next month or so. Good and bad. Can I just live in workout clothes?  That would be the best.

This stuff is still heavy heavy... My grandad isn't doing well at all. To the point of any nutrition or drinking anything is questionable most days. My dad is there with him and my g'ma this week until his sister comes in this weekend. The 4 siblings are doing well at taking turns loving on them and being there best they can. They can't be alone right now. I'm heartbroken for what they're going through.  Keep them, and all of us, in your prayers, as things are certain to take a turn at any time.

*Update* My grandfather passed away this morning. We are heartbroken for our loss, and relieved that he's no longer suffering and in pain.

We are also trying to find the best way to share this with my other g'ma who is suffering from dementia, but needs to be told in some way about all of this.

My folks are already in the midst of a move, packing, transporting, taking things that can be taken.  Having been there this past week, I am absolutely astonished and sad at how much is still left to do. There's hardly been a dent in progress.  I'm going back up there in a couple weeks to help some more.  Hopefully this time, with my sister being there, we can get a ton of stuff done and speed up this process for them more. I know my dad would be glad to speed things up, and my mom will relish the help, although we might be speeding her pace up more than she's comfortable with. This is my family. My folks are getting older... what we can purge now will save us so much time purging stuff later.

My calendar is a DOOZY!  I literally have stuff going on left and right, all through June, and some in July, too.  This weekend I am cleaning, prepping, sorting, trashing, full speed ahead. It's really the only time I have left to do much of anything.  I am going to start a new macros this coming week and will eat less, but need to prep even more. Leaner, cleaner, less.  It's called PFFL (Performance Focused Fat Loss).  This will help propel my fat burn even more so than I have previously.  It will affect my workouts, possibly negatively, so I'm getting ready mentally for all this challenge will present.

There are a few small things here and there, dinners, lunches, meetings, birthdays, etc.  A month from now, I'll be on a trip for a bachelorette party in Orange Beach, AL. The following Thursday I'll leave for Salt Lake City for the weekend with family.  There's a baseball game the following weekend, possible bridal shower in Louisiana, and the last weekend I'm going back up to my parents' for my mom's birthday and see the Rangers play the Red Sox. Big Papi had better be playing!  My friend's wedding is the last weekend in July, so I'll be going to Louisiana that week.

If anyone needs me, I'll be trying to find the biggest rock to hide under.

Thursday, February 18, 2016



This applies to so much right now.

Heavy lifts (yay)
Heavy heart (not yay)
Heavy body weight (not yay, more meh).
Heavy Workload (definitely meh)

So pardon my mind dump. I'm honestly just looking for a way to get it out "there" so I don't keep it all in "here", replaying it every minute.

Heavy Lifts:
Since 12/27 I've regained my focus with ETP.  I've worked my way up to "around" my calories, and semi-consistently have been hitting my macros.  It's more mindful food and eating than I've ever done.  It's hard to fix a mentality of "eat less, see the lbs go down" and eat more, scale stays somewhat the same after 6 weeks (I've lost 5-6 lbs, depending on the day).  I've learned a lot logging my food every day, and once I got used to seeing where to find 160g of protein, even on rest days, the food has been a relief.  My energy has been on the up and up.  My output in the gym, although not any faster on my WOD times, my strength and power output has increased a LOT!  I honestly love lifting the most, and feel most empowered when I hit a new PR. Also, quick update on my foot / ankle / leg issues:  I am working my way back to running on a more regular basis. I ran my first 400 in 6 months last week, and last night I ran 2 400s and a 300 in the WOD.  It wasn't fast, but it was steady and I didn't stop once. I just kept going. These are BIG wins for me, and I know it's got a lot to do with getting my food in order.

Heavy Heart:
There's so much going on in this area, I'm almost afraid to type it all out for fear of inviting more of the same in. But here it goes:
1. My G'Pa was diagnosed with advanced Adenocarcinoma (Pancreatic). to be blunt: he's dying. Quickly. Knowing my G'ma and my dad, his siblings are all brokenhearted and devastated, we all are, but how do you comfort someone who is always the strong one?  How do you plan to go see someone, knowing you most likely won't see them again? What do you say to the ones left behind who have loved him their whole lives?  We knew he was sick, but we had no idea it would happen so fast.
2. My Nana. She has dementia. When we saw her Thanksgiving, she didn't know who we were at first. Then she told me I was a disappointment.  The disease, I know. but still.  And Christmas she wouldn't even wake up to see us. Apparently she's getting even worse and more mean than usual. I'm having a hard time thinking that of all the great days we have, of all the life we get to live, these are the terrible things that we are reduced to as we grow old and prepare to die. There is no dignity in any of this. There is pain, confusion and heartbreak.

That's heavy.

3. My friend lost her dad Tuesday. His heart was tired. He wore his heart out for living so big and so bold.  I didn't know him, never met him, but I know how she spoke of him and of all the fantastic things she shared about him, and how ridiculously large his smile was in the pictures with his family. They really knew and exuded love and pride for one another. So fortunate to be confident in those things from your family.  I know her heart is broken in a million pieces. She didn't go to sleep on Monday contemplating she would say goodbye to him the next day she woke up.

4. One of my best friends, if not my best, Her sweet dad, bless him. His cancer is becoming more aggressive. This time it's in his hip joint.  They are going to do the best they can to address it tomorrow, with a possible hip replacement. I'm praying that it goes well. He's been through SO much with this, and I don't think I've known anyone to fight this harder and more purposeful than he has. I pray every day that he is another of God's big miracles, the kind people talk about for the rest of our existence.

Heavy Body Weight:
The ETP stuff is working. I know it is. I'm still up over 200.  I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for a sweet and lovely friend at the end of July. I am desperately working my ass off to lean out and look the best I ever have by her wedding date. I will always be a work in progress, Lord willing, but I'm ready to feel more confident than I ever have, and look like a toned athlete.  No one wants to be the one people see in pictures now and every anniversary celebrated on social media as "the fluffy / chubby bridesmaid".   so I signed up for Group Coaching for the next month. Maybe the month after that, too, with a hope of doing a PFFL (Performance focus fat loss) round, or speak to coaches and see about doing it at the same time? I'm not sure what would be best. But I think it lasts a few months, so it wouldn't be bad to start and have time to push at the end for bigger results.  I'm tired of playing around.  If I sit here and think about the amount of time, effort, money, and tears I've put toward getting better, losing weight, It's overwhelmingly depressing. It's hard to change your mindset from eat less, weigh less.  Pray that something starts to happen sooner rather than later. I deserve to see something drastic. I feel that I'm SO close to unlocking my biggest potential, my most drastic transformation. Part of me feels like I'm waiting for that to happen before I allow myself to consider a lot of other things.

Heavy Work Load.
This has been ongoing since I started my job.  I don't know that I was truly prepared for what the job entailed.  I know I certainly did not get the background or training to revolve around the schedule, the expectations, etc. I've been overwhelmed since day one. As much as I've tried to gain any confidence, it was shot right back down the second it started to go up. I respond to the feedback by recoiling and got so nervous to hit send on an email for fear that something else will come back and bite me, which of course means that it will.   I wanted to do so good. I don't feel like I was every really given the chance to. The lady who had the role before me apparently was the best person ever, so I don't know that I truly stood a chance.

All that to say that I was told this week that my role is changing to one that is strictly a contractor role, with no hopes of being brought on as an employee. I should have known better than to trust the 90 day rule I was told when I was offered the position. The money has been okay, sometimes even nice, BUT I'm also paying my own insurance out of pocket, which if you know anything about the "affordable" bullshit, it really isn't, so... And the icing on the cake is that I get to "train" the person I'm being replaced with. I feel like every time I stand up, someone is waiting to throw an egg in my face.

I'm most likely spending my weekend getting my resume' polished and uploaded, reaching out to potential opportunities, networking with those that I know have reputable connections in my town.  fingers crossed there are opps that will afford me to stay in my apartment, and not have to live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard to really look at this and think "this is what I've gotten to"... It's so disappointing and I don't know that I have much of a mindset to seek my new direction.  It's a constant argument in my mind. I'll come back up. I always do, but damn.

Y'all, this is my heavy right now and it's more than enough. I need to not be so heavy hearted right now. I hate it.  I'm beyond grateful for the chance to still be able to make it to crossfit.  I'm nervous that there's something that will come along and take that away.  I'm busting my ass and making it a priority to go every day (minus the weekends). I'm running more, I'm lifting more, and I'm focusing on getting better. I can't contemplate what my life looks like without it. None of this is the 40 I thought I'd ever be living.

So if you're the praying type, lift these folks, my family, my friends, up in a prayer or few.  Lord knows we could all use them right now.

Monday, January 4, 2016

2016 - The Gimp Returns & ETP in Place

Well, I suppose it's appropriate that I would end up with an injury more ridiculous than the other two, or maybe equal to the first, but ridiculous all the same.

The day I ran a 200m in the warm up and it actually felt really good! I even thought to myself "wow, my legs DO feel lighter! Now I just need to get my endurance back up and keep going".

Then we go in and do "high-knees", and I feel it.  The twinge of pain in my left calf, like a charlie horse that won't let go, yet I keep going thinking that it'll work itself out. It has to.

Next move is inchworms and high skip back down the length of the gym.


Man down.  My calf muscle actually popped. Holy Hell.
and that's being polite.

Needless to say I was out for the regular WOD, but came up with a sub that didn't involve the leg.

It's still a little "cramped" up, feels like it could pop again, and yes, I'm resting, icing, and being extremely mindful of it.

I just want to work out and get my calorie burn up, make my heart beat a little quicker, and build my endurance.  I'm strong AF, but without the speed, I'm going to be stuck with my performance.

I've joined up with Eat To Perform as a lifetime member.  It was the smartest choice as I tackle this fat that keeps holding on.  I'm going to be working up to my macros and learning about carb cycling, when to eat what, and get the best out of my body. I'm excited about the possibility with this program.  The best thing is that it's dependent on food, not supplements.

Don't get me wrong, I love Advocare and I fully believe that the products DO work. I need a supplement free solution that allows me to add lean mass AND burn fat at the same time, without starving myself.

This will allow me to eat mindfully, and focus on truly fueling my body correctly.  I will be correcting my skewed metabolism and teaching my body to burn fuel instead of storing it.

So here goes whatever will be...