Searching for Butterflies

The verse that saved my life

2012-01-16T14:06:00.001-06:00

"Now Faith is the Substance of things Hoped for and the Evidence of Things not Yet seen"

Hebrews 11:1

If you've been a reader or facebooker or twitter follower of mine for any length of time, you've more than likely seen this verse posted and mentioned before. I can't even to begin to tell you how grateful I am for whomever wrote it in the book of Hebrews (could have been my main man (next to Jesus), Precious Paul, but it's not been decided upon by the scholars.) That's not the important part, though. Those words... wow... just read it again. Slowly. I don't know what made me sit up and pay attention to that one verse when I saw it in a book, but wow... I'm so so so glad it did!

Still today, some 6 years later, there it is, and it's just as powerful for me now as it was then. So much so, that on New Years Eve, I got the tattoo above done on the inside of my right wrist. It's funny to realize that it's even more a part of me now than it was just an hour before it was done, and I'm not just talking about the "permanent" part on my bod.

It's no secret that I struggle with depression and insecurity somewhat frequently. For someone like myself who is generally optimistic, depression and insecurity are pretty painful things. Dark rooms, too many thoughts to process, too many tears to count, and an insane amount of things that can trigger it any time.

This verse saved my life.

There are two times in my life that I prayed for a means to an end. It's not something I ever think is cool, and I now know that I was completely saved for a good reason or few. I think when I saw this in a book (and no, it wasn't the Bible, yet a book about how we are all per-destined to be blessed), I finally got what God had been trying to tell me for SO long, but I was too sad, too blind, and too deaf to hear anything He wanted to tell me. Depression is a fickle beast!

Since that day, I've recognized the things He has blessed me with and a few things He hasn't just yet. BUT I love that word "yet"... It doesn't mean "never"... it's merely an undefined amount of time, and in that time we have to trust and have that faith that God knows every inch of our hearts and our desires. He wants to bless us in ways we can't even fathom or even begin to understand. We cannot fulfill our own desires. All of the blessings of answered prayers and those we still have yet to pray, that is our faith, that God will see to it that we receive those things in His time and in His terms.

The hardest thing I am focusing on this year is not the 50 lb weight loss I am striving to achieve, but it's to get my SELF out of the way and trust and have ultimate Faith that God has my life and my heart in His hands.

Seeing this on my wrist, every time I move my arm / hand, it's already making a huge difference in my thoughts and allowing me to enjoy more peace than I've had in, well, forever.

I hope this lets you in a little deeper and finds you smiling, knowing that God wants all of these things for you, too. Have faith in Him. He will continue to bless you, and He already has.

Happy New Year,

~C~

Ready for BIG!

2012-01-10T11:32:00.000-06:00

Every year, at new years, I get this jolt of optimism that makes me think "THIS is THE year!!!"... you know, the one where I land my dream job with AH-MAZING benefits, buy a house, and fall in love with a man I've never met, but somehow trust him completely, all while refraining from acting like a fool...

Well I still think THIS is THE year!!!

Ok, so the job might not be something I truly love, but the potential to learn more, and have an experience I would have never picked out for myself is closer than it was at the end of last year. They gave me a cell phone at work, so I can be accessible 24/7... well in my mind, If the phone rings, I get to charge them for it... It would be silly for them not to put me on salary at that point... but they don't do things via common sense or very urgently around here, I've learned...

But the possibilities are better now for my living situation... I've been in my apartment for over 5 yrs, when my lease expires in June. I'm flat out of space, with wall to wall furniture, and most of it, I don't want to get rid of. Not to mention, I don't have a dedicated craft room, only a craft corner that has taken over my dining area. So I tossed around the idea of moving out of Austin, and I'm not against it, but if I get my job offer here, and it's decent enough to get me to a bigger and better place, I can't complain. My fingers are crossed that my contractor time here will count as steady employment that turned in to permanent employment and help qualify me for a home. I am praying that this is in my future. I want to have a yard for my pup, and space to spread out a little bit, and not have someone walking over my head. If I'm not able to buy this year, then I will rent. I just hate renting, having to put money down for a pet deposit, and get things set up only to have to move again. I hate hate hate moving. I like feeling like I belong somewhere and have my things in order, always working toward something with equity and doing something right, financially... Renting again doesn't fall in to this category. If I hve to, I will, but I REALLY want to buy... and probably in the Buda area, too...

Had a date w/ Mr. San Antonio the Friday before Christmas, and it was solid fun. We didn't do anything fancy or amazing, we just had a REALLY nice dinner in New Braunfels at the Huisache Grill. I LOVE restaurants like this where the menu is created by the chef in the kitchen, each being paired with an appropriate wine, and every bite is delicious from the first to the last. The conversation was non-stop, and he's just easy to be me with. And no, I'm not in "love", but he seems pretty fun so far.

I'm back on the fitness train this year... I lost 30 lbs last year, and I want to lose 50 this year, and finally get to the point I can be completely happy with myself. I'm in a contest with my cousin and my sister, for the largest percentage of weight loss in a 6 mo. period. The "PRIZE" is a girls weekend at a spa/retreat in the Hill Country. The other 2 will be spitting the cost of the weekend, and the "winner" gets to go for free :)

I'm in it to win it, and Kicking off P90X this week again. I'm also back on Sparkpeople to count my calories and get all my goodness back on track! I know I can do it!

I just need to get my life back on track, get a good schedule in place, and start getting my apartment and life in order! I need things to start making sense, and I need to move forward with great things!

Happy 2012, friends!

Sweet "Christianity"

2011-12-19T13:55:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if it ever really was a "job", but it kept me from staying at home ALL the time while I was laid off, and I did earn a couple of bucks, met some nice people, drank some REALLY amazing wine, AND learned that Fine Chocolate really does exist.

Did I ever tell you what went down with all of that? Here's the short story... they wanted my ideas and my grassroots work, but didn't want to pay me for it, so I just quit showing up and didn't return their phone calls. Ultimately it was costing me money I didn't have to drive and do the work they needed me to do. There were promises of contracts and salaries plus commissions, and growth opportunities, expanding and managing new locations, none of which ever happened.

I was the "Marketing & Sales Director". Now generally, this would imply that I was in control of the marketing budget (Zero Dollars), presentations, community involvement, and the marketing team.

Or so I thought.

Funny thing is that there were people brought in that I had no idea were showing up to our weekly Marketing meeting. They were taking over accounts I had worked hard for. Their ideas were being worked in to fill my calendar. They were dictating the marketing approach, but hey, I was "doing a great job" and was so "valuable to the success of the chocolate shop". It didn't take me long to stop believing them.   Soon after that, I just walked away.

I was essentially spending 35-50 hours a week writing reviews, creating the online accounts, handling contests, twitter, facebook, photographs, seeking unique business avenues, etc. I was excited about developing a real success story. I thought I was going to save the world, one chocolate truffle at a time. Anything I said was all just to keep my mind busy, to convince myself that I was doing something, yet, I was still technically unemployed.

I finally realized they were using me. They used my status, my talent, my time, and my vulnerability to try and save their little piece of the upper class catering and divine existence.   I was worth more than they could afford, so I walked. I never looked back. If I did, I'd have seen them standing there, Cheshire grin, wielding an axe or knife... the bigger the better, but not too tacky... some one might see and figure it out.

Fast forward to yesterday. I went to a friend's house for her daughter's birthday party. She'd worked at the shop, and has struggled to really find good friends here. I went to support her, meet her new baby boy, and eat cake! I knew the manager of the shop would be there (the shop closed Feb. 2011 - yeah, it failed)... I hadn't spoken to her since I'd left, ignored phone calls, emails, and other attempts at contact. I had nothing to say.

Yesterday, I was cornered and she needed to absolve herself of guilt from the actions toward me.   I knew it was coming. I was careful to not say "oh, it's ok." Because I know what they did wasn't ever going to be okay. I can forgive, and I have. I can move forward, and I have.   But I will never "Okay" poor behavior and Mal-intent. I listened to what she had to say, and it's funny when people want to ask for forgiveness with tears in their eyes, how they tend to forget the details because they are hurting from their own actions, and things done to them in the "story"... True to my expectations, there was blame placed on the owners. I definitely give them some blame in what happened, but it's not entirely them. I even told her yesterday, "it's sad when you see people using Christianity to justify their actions, bad ones included".

She nodded in solid agreement.

I do my best to never fall in to this trap, and know it's so easy for us who know an ounce of Scripture to do. This wasn't the first time I've seen it happen. Sadly, I know it won't be the last.

I can forgive people that do and say things that affect me negatively. I can lift my head high knowing I was able to rise above and not get caught up in their lies. When you want to know why I walked away, all you have to do is think about it, if you're honestly and truly wondering. Otherwise, if you are waiting for me to say it, you are just doing it to make yourself feel better and to rid yourself of the guilt you've been holding on to.

I'm not responsible for the way you feel. We are not friends. I don't want to stay in touch with you.

But I forgive you.

Gotta Be Upbeat...

2011-12-09T19:10:00.001-06:00

but it's really hard when you're preparing to say goodbye to someone who's been a part of your life for 35, nearly 36 years.

I'm driving to Houston tomorrow to spend some time with my grandmother. For the first time that I can think of, I'm afraid that this is winding up to be the beginning of the end of my her life. She's never given herself credit for the good things she's done and has been so sad for so long. She's been begging to die for over 10 yrs, since my grandfather passed, and I honestly can't blame her. It's hard to find joy, I can only imagine, when your lover and best friend of 49 years leaves and you're living alone for the first time in your life (at 66 yrs old). She learned how to drive, took care of and aided her sister, saw her die, and has now all but given up on herself. I'm sad for what I can only imagine I will see when I walk in the door, and I just have this terribly sad feeling that I'm going to tell her goodbye. I pray for her soul. She's been full of so much doubt. I can only say so many prayers that her heart is right with God, and that she will be in His Kingdom. I never doubted that with my grandfather. He believed. She's doubted.

That's not the saddest part.

My mother, when I asked if she was making any plans to go to H-town to see her and check on her (she's in a rehab facility/ elder care center), says "Christy, I'm already going down there at Christmas". She can't be inconvenienced, or change her plans. Heaven for bid, something happens while my mother's on vacation somewhere. We'll probably have to postpone the funeral.

Maybe I sound tacky and what not, but I'm irritated. This is her mother. She will make phone calls until she's blue in the face, but she won't go down there and see her. Heck, she won't even come to Austin to see me, or Houston to go see my sister. But you can guarantee she will plan 20 different scrapbook retreats and hop all over the US. Just makes me mad.

***UPDATE***
I went to Houston Saturday. I wish I could say that my heart was at ease, and I felt better for having gone, but I don't. It was just sad to see her. i tried to be my upbeat, snarky, and somewhat annoying self. I wanted her to bite back. She hardly had any bite, fight, or want to do anything. She's dying. I have to come to realization that she won't see me get married or know my babies. That's the hardest part of it all, losing her... I will have my memories that will last my lifetime. It will be my responsibility to make sure to create those for my children. I want them to know her.

I also told my mom that she might want to re-think her "Christmas" visit... b/c there's no guarantee that my grandmother will still be here. i can only pray she "gets" it. But I think I know deep down that she won't.

I can't hang on to the anger I feel toward her about this. She has to know she's not making the right decision here. She thinks that changing her pain medication will make a difference. She's not been there to see her. It's not about medication anymore. It's about making her comfortable.

I'm still praying for a miracle. For my mother to go to Houston. If you pray, can you pray for that, too?

Foggy Future

2011-12-08T19:19:00.001-06:00

'For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

Man, this is powerful! It's one of the verses I continually go back to, and even have it posted on my bathroom mirror, just in case there's a day I lose sight of His promise. Right now, it seems like there's so much spinning out of my control, and I'm trying to keep this verse at the forefront of my mind.

1. My grandmother is going downhill. I know a lot of her current state has been brought on by her self, lack of exercise, lack of nutrition, and depression. I don't fault her for any of it, because honestly, if I had lost my husband of 49 years, had to learn how to drive, and aide a cruel and lonely dying sister, with out much help from others, I'd probably be pretty similar... I love her and I'm sorry I can't do for her what she needs. I also know that God will help us figure out what is best for her and show her love.

2. I know I'm moving out of my apartment when my lease is up at the end of June (if not sooner). I have 2 choices of what happens at that point. A) Stay in Austin, find a 2 bdrm apartment / condo / house to rent (need more space, and ready for a change... been here for 5 yrs in Feb... B) Move to Ft. Worth, find a job and place to live. I've pretty much decided on the North East side of town, toward Keller, as it's close to one of my sweetest and dearest friends, my folks, and Little Blue House (Scrapbook Store), plus it's not far from Ft. Worth proper, as well as decent time to get to the Ballpark for some Rangers Baseball! (Napoli, anyone... um YES!!!)

3. I'm being moved to another team within the team I'm on... We're all under the "H" umbrella, coordinating equipment change outs, installs, etc., and the "b" team of project "H" needs people... it's more technical, has greater opportunity for overtime, AND I get a REAL full size cube (the one I'm in currently is 4 ft. long, 2 ft. deep - I can't even put my legs straight out in front of me!)... So basically, it's a move up, same pay, and yes, I'm still a contractor. Word on the street is that there's a good chance that most of us will be offered permanent employment at the new year. I'm not holding my breath, but the offer would be nice.

I was so prepared for my contract to end at the end of the year. I would then file for unemployment and focus the majority of my time and efforts on job hunting in Ft. Worth, ideally get something mid to end of Feb, and move at the beginning / mid March -ish... Sounds great and makes sense, right?

Yeah, this little curve ball threw me way off course... there's so much up in the air. I'm ready to move. Ready to be closer to my folks. I just feel burned out and used up here. I want to date, I want to start fresh and shake off the stale existence I've grown used to. I'm too comfortable here. I love it. But I also know I could very easily shut myself off, keep people away, and become that old lady who has no one but herself... I need more.

Or I need my heart to change and not want what it wants.

Believe me, I've prayed for that, too. I've prayed for the path to be lit up with stadium lights. I don't want to mess this up. i feel like it's my last chance and if i screw it up, then I will be at the end, never having what it is I want most. I'm scared I'm going to fail, because it's pretty much been my standard way...

i don't want to have an anxiety attack and I hate not knowing what's around the corner. My head won't stop spinning, and I am about to "what if" myself crazy.

i know it will all play out the way it is supposed to. I trust God to make it happen. I just dont' trust myself to do what is desired of Him.

Scary
Scary
Scary.

Some things don't need titles.

2011-10-23T20:43:00.002-05:00

update:

28 lbs down, 4 lbs back on, so right now, 24 lbs down and I want and HAVE to be 24 lbs down by 12/25 (actually 12/31, but I want to hit it early so I can breathe a little bit and head in to the birthday/new year week a little lighter on my feet). I am starting P90X November 1st.

I know I'm going to make it. I have to make it.

but right now, I am struggling BAD! I've been working 50-65 hour weeks for the past month, and while I like seeing the paychecks, I really am getting angry over having to do more than my 40... 45, sure, no problem, but 65? it's ridiculous, and having it be 'expected' and not asked? Well, that's the crap. i feel disrespected, unappreciated, and it's like I do it to keep my job because I'm "just a contractor"... hourly, no benefits, no pay increase, no paid time off, nada... and not even a hint of if our contracts are going past the end of this project, or even when the "end" is supposed to be... First it was the end of June. Next, the end of September. Then the end of October, as the client expects us to be done by Nov. 1st. We won't be. there's no way... even with the 65 hour weeks, there's no chance we will be done. Closer to it? of course, but not done at all... So who knows what my work status will be in a month... I'm just stressed out and trying to hide it, probably failing miserably.

I have been invited to 4 baby showers in 4 weeks. I've made 2 of them... 1 I plain slipped up on, and feel so bad for that (so sorry, Mo!), and another I missed because I ended up being out of town. I don't dislike baby showers... I love buying things for the little nuggets and can't wait to see them, hold them, smell them, snuggle and love on them... But lately, I'm finding myself having MAY-JAH baby envy! Now I'm not gonna go cray cray crazy, but I'm a little envious... We had child dedication at church this morning and we always have a video of pictures play. I can never watch it without tearing up. Today I walked out and had to find some trash to pick up, or something so I'd look busy and people wouldn't notice I'd gotten a little misty-eyed... I just want to be a mom. But first, I wanna find my partner... the one who I'm supposed to stand with, which brings me to my next point...

A couple I went to school with got engaged today. Actually he was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. We knew each other from church and had a sweet little first "puppy love". I'm glad they're happy and reconnected all these years later. Just makes me ask when it is my turn? I know she didn't start out the year thinking I'm going to 1. meet the man I'm going to marry or 2. be engaged this year... so I know there's still time for me, too... just ugh... and not that I want him at all, it's just a "why not me" and not about him, but with anyone... with my one...

I keep toying with the idea of joining Match for one month, just to see if I can go out on a couple of dates here and there, but honestly, I don't want to just find some guy to be generic and say the things we ALL know the onliners say... so I just have to look for opportunities to meet new people, and get out of my comfort zone. get uncomfortable here and there... but dang I hate it! I hate being uncomfortable and being vulnerable, but I'm gonna have to... Either that or I'll just have to be satisfied with my day dreams and wishes...

Some how I don't think that will be enough.

So this week I'm

~ going to seek out opportunities to be vulnerable and uncomfortable

~ having breakfast for dinner with some Colorado lovelies (Kerbey Lane, anyone??? )

~ going to wake up early EVERY day so I can get a 20 or 30 minute work out in

~ starting on my Christmas card design

~ finishing laundry

~ working when I need to, and no more.

~ lunching with a sweet friend on Thursday, excited to be on her Komen 5K team Nov. 13th (I'll be posting a link for donations in my next post)

~ going to try and see Huey Lewis & the News on the 26th... I love a good horn section!

Hope you all have a lovely week... sorry about my PMS moment... seriously, I need my head to stop with all the "waaahhhhs" and 'what ifs" and "why not me's"... it's driving me mad!

Well that sucked...

2011-08-31T12:01:00.002-05:00

So I've had 2 work outs that I feel my performance was sub-par. I had been feeling pretty pumped for my progress, as far as the 30 Day Shred goes, and I was able to do more, and ALMOST get through the whole thing without having to stop for a water break, or to catch my breath. I'm definitely aware of how out of shape I was before I started this whole thing, and I'm still aware that I'm not even close to being "fit", but dang it, I'm gonna get there.

I hate the little things that come up and make it harder... My knees. I've had trouble with them several times, and wouldn't be surprised to find out that I have some arthritis in them (hello, OLD!?!?!?!?) But that's been my quitting point the past 2 work outs... Any impact I'm putting on them is PAINFUL! I know it will get better / stronger, and I need to watch what I do with it, but I"m not going to let it STOP me. Before I got seriously about this, I would let it derail my progress and use it as a reason to quit until it stop hurting, but I need it to hurt. I need it to get better.

My weight hasn't really done much.. not sure if it's a plateau, (I hope not... I haven't lost enough for that yet, and not sure I can process it!) or if my increased workouts have contributed, or if I have just sabotaged myself unknowingly... My calories haven't changed, and my weight hasn't increased, but dang it, I am close to the 180s, and I want to see that number... I keep thinking, "this week it will happen", and then the week goes by and nada...

I've been weighing myself each morning, just to see what my actions the day before have done, but I'm thinking now I need to step back and not be so "scale-centric"... Once a week to get a true measure of progress... Not gonna lie, it makes me a little nervous, though.

Today I'm feeling pretty lethargic and defeated... I know it's contributed a lot to the chips I ate last night and some poor work outs, but I just want to feel 100% confident.

ButI'm gonna put on my motivating britches and pony up to the big leagues. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines!

This journey's all mine! I've got a gold mine of resources to make this successful, but I'm the only one that can make it happen.

Why Why Why, You silly little French Fry?

2011-08-24T09:01:00.002-05:00

So the weight loss and fitness thing is going pretty well. I caved this past Sunday and gave in to the french fries I've been craving for 2 weeks or more. I went to Wendy's after church and used the 2 munchkins I had with me as an excuse. Told them if they were good at church, then we'd stop and get Wendy's on the way home. They were GOLDEN, so I had to follow through. I didn't go overboard, and was glad to see that I've learned moderation and don't crave that stuff all the time any more. Not to mention, it's sooo much cheaper to eat at home and eat WELL on a regular basis.

I've also upped my fitness and I'm almost to the point that I crave and look forward to doing it each day. It's funny to think about where I was just a month ago, or the month before that, or even at the beginning of the year.

I started out just 2 lbs shy of my heaviest this past January. Today I weigh less than I have in probably 6 yrs or more. I'm proud of myself, but don't want to lose sight of the final goal, which is still 60 lbs away. So far, this year, I've lost 24 lbs. I lift a 10 lb weight and think "my gosh, I can't imagine carrying this much around all the time... double it and then add some, it's crazy to think about.

That all being said... I"m right on track to be at goal by the end of March. Sparkpeople has definitely saved my life!

In music news, I got to see my favorites, Blue October, last week at Stubb's. I think I sweated a liter of water out that night. It was HOT! My clothes, I could have rung them out, I think, I was so soaked! But seriously though, the music and performance couldn't have been any better. New album about divorce and child custody, really broke my heart. I see how much he loves his daughter, and it's just so sad that he can't be with her. Made me think about my dad, and how I don't think I ever reember him fighting for me or even taking a step up to say he was or be proud for it... It seems like his pride made it easy for him to walk away... It's just kind of sad... here I am at 35 and I'm thinking about how my dad (biological) never did anything like that... Not that I feel cheated, well maybe a little, but I ended up with the best Dad I could have had. I have his last name, he takes care of all of us without question, and challenged us to be better people. I learned a lot from him and still do. It's just that I never had a chance to be a daddy's girl, I guess that is what I'm sad about. But I know everything happens for a reason... I just won't ever understand how a father could be ok not knowing his children... to just walk away like it was nothing... oh well...

I've been babysitting quite a bit for a friend, and the extra money has been nice. I was also approached to do some after hours admin stuff, which I could do from home, so I"m anxious to talk to the guy that brought it up and see if that will turn in to anything.

Other that all that, a little craft time here and there, but not near enough, football season is getting ready to kick off, and dear bob, I hope this stupid 100 degree weather goes away soon. I am ready for a major rain event and some cooler temps. I just want to go stand in the rain and feel it come down. I pray for it every day.

Hope all is well with each of you... I'll try to do better about updating this bad boy more regularly, and not make it all about fitness and weight loss... It's just where my head is right now and I still have a ways to go!

Until next time, America (I loved Paul Harvey!)

~C

Reality Check.

2011-08-09T15:50:00.003-05:00

WHEW! I've been BUSY!

The bulk of my time away from here, I've been in pursuit of a healthier me... counting calories, drinking less, getting my sh*t in order! Basically, I need to be better for myself.

It's all starting to pay off... Actually, it's been paying off for a few weeks, but this past Sunday I saw more than a number on the scale.

I saw proof in inches.

Have I told you before that my ultimate goal is to lose b/w 80 and 90 lbs? It was a pretty sad realization see that number, and staring at my reality. I let my body be proof that I was miserable. I've faked my happy for a long time, and it took a long time for me to realize that I was the one that had to change it. No hissy fit, temper tantrum, pity party was going to change my reality. I had to do it.

So I started... it wasn't planned, but I honestly think it was Divine Intervention. I woke up one day and realized I had the tools and knowledge to start fixing myself. So I did.

I got back on Sparkpeople, I set up my plan, and got my friend to do it with me, creating a good recipe for success.

My friend and I do our measurements the first Sunday of the month. This was the second measurement, so the first chance to see change in inches, not just on the scale. I was SHOCKED (and am still processing) the fact that I have lose 4.75 inches on my waist ALONE!

As awesome as that is, I still have a lot more to lose. Honestly, I'm having a psychological disconnect when it comes to all of this and find myself on the verge of an anxiety attack most days, but I have to dig deep and find some way to stay positive and not keep beating myself up. For people to notice, I'm happy for it, but I also realize that they recognize that I wasn't a small girl, and still am not... I keep hearing and reading things that say "imagine what you want your body to look like"...

I have no idea.

I have no idea when or how I got to be the size I am, because even at 115 lbs, I had a college roommate that referred to me as a "fat ass" in a letter she wrote to a friend. In high school, I was the same size from beginning to end, (I wore the same band uniform all 4 yrs w/o alterations), but was never really one of the "little girls"... I was average. I'm ok with average. Hell, for the past 10 yrs or so, I was good with being a "big" girl, even said several times "I'm glad I'm proportionate and can carry my weight well"... I gave myself all kinds of excuses for being the weight I was, the size I was, etc.

I had to quit lying to myself.

I have to quit lying to myself.

I have to make it better.

My chin (singular) is starting to show. I'm wearing jeans I haven't been able to get over my ass in over 2 years. And I'm completely terrified. I have no idea who I will become, and I hope my core doesn't change on the inside. I don't ever want to take my size for granted when I get there. I will always value the strength and effort it takes to get where I want to be. I honestly think I've used my weight as a wall to keep people away, and now it has to come down. I'm out of reasons and excuses.

I have to realize that gaining back the 2 lbs I lost last week isn't the end of the journey, it just means I make the same lap again and in another 2 weeks, I'll be on the other side of those and won't have to come back to see them again.

I'm not trying to throw a "woe-is-me" thing here... It's just part of this process that I have to adjust to, and I loathe change. I loathe the insecurity this brings out. I loathe the uncertainty. It's pretty scary to sit here and realize where I was and how I will have to look back on this some day and realize how far gone I was and for how long.

I want my me back. But I want you all to be there in the end.

I'm 23 lbs down. I have 63 more lbs to go. (ish).

I'm praying I have the strength and determination to get there.

Low key kind of week...

2011-07-10T14:33:00.003-05:00

Every time Sunday is here, I think about what I have on my schedule for the coming week... this week it's pretty low key, and for that I am happy!

I only have a show Wednesday night to go see Rodney Parker & some pocket change, with Micky & the Motorcars... I always enjoy both bands, and am looking forward to it... And then Friday I'm jetting off to the big town of Colleyville to go see the parentals. oh, and Friday is pay day. I have a skinny little budget this week, and I think that will be just fine... all I need are some groceries and a full tank of gas...

I just look at it as God's way of keeping me home and focused... I have plenty I can do here, between laundry, organizing, crafting, and just plain old relaxing. I want to actually cook a new recipe... I need to keep things interesting in my kitchen and on my food plan. I don't like to do super involved recipes, and i don't want to buy a ton of new ingredients. I just want to work with what I have here already... Should be easy enough, eh?

So far, I'm doing pretty awesome with my calorie counting, and I'm being REALLY mindful of every single thing I'm eating. The cleaner, fresher, and whole food, the better. the thought of buying a frozen meal makes me cringe. I smell all the bad, high sodium, tomato-y meals people cook in the microwave every day and it just grosses me out. I don't even walk down that aisle at the grocery store.

The scale keeps me on track, and always confirms the times I am not as diligent. I thought for sure I would get over my big hump this week, but for sure I will this coming week. I am encouraged and keep reminding myself that I used to be at a much higher number, and I know I can do better. I need to be a LOT more disciplined when it comes to scheduling and DOING my fitness. For some reason I find myself hesitant to raise my heart rate and I slow down or stop if it starts going, but I KNOW that it's good for me...I know I'm hard headed and it annoys me to no end... it's just another of those things I have to do. So I'm getting my focus on and I am determined to get some sort of fitness on the books each day! I've got 3 evenings this week I know I can make something count, and the other days, I'll be sure to get something down in the mornings!

The rest of my evening is going to be making my game plan,and get my week organized... I'll wake up tomorrow knowing what I have to accomplish. And in that I will have a little more peace :)

Hope your week is fabulous!

It's ALLLLL good!

2011-06-30T13:20:00.002-05:00

Current music: Otis Redding Pandora station =- *LOVE*

I can't get enough of this station... I swear! Otis, Etta, Sam, Ray, Stevie, and more... Soul for the soul!

Anyway, back to the other good stuff. I've been diligently logging all of my food on Sparkpeople for a solid week now (weekend included), and I'm right on target. I'm really encouraged by what I have done and will continue to do. I have a few friends doing this with me, so that makes it easier. I have now reached the weight I was 3 yrs ago when I was laid off from my mortgage job, and I know I will surpass this mini-goal and continue my road to success and have a healthier life for it. The cool thing is that I'm doing this all without frozen meals - making everything, minus the salad kits, and adding grilled chicken to those. Easy protein filled lunch makes for a quick and easy afternoon. If you want a buddy to encourage and share info / recipes / successes with, feel free to add me there... my name is "CeruleanBleu"...

In other good news, my friends were SUPER blessed this week. April 30th, they were in a horrible car accident where they hit 2 wild hogs, flipped and rolled the car. At the time of the accident, they were uninsured and racked up a TON of medical bills. We (their friends) rallied around them, and pulled together this little benefit. If you're on my facebook page, chances are I spammed your page a LOT with reminders to come check it out. Well, the spamming worked and we had a GREAT crowd come out, with over 100 raffle items, and over 200 silent auction numbers. I was seriously overwhelmed. I know it was all part of the master plan (Thank you Jesus!!!) and the outpouring of blessings from the volunteers, musicians, donors, venue, and more, it was perfect. They both were there smiling, and the best part of the night was seeing Arielle get up on stage and perform for a crowd for the first time since the wreck. Music to my ears has never sounded so sweet. I think the enormity of the accident, the event, and the magnitude of what was accomplished hasn't quite sunk in just yet, but I thank God so so so much for letting me be a cog in the wheel of that successful night. I hope we are all feeling the blessings of that night for a long time to come. Don't forget the simple things. That's what makes it all so great. The ice cream without the cherry on top is still sweet, but the cherry makes it that much sweeter. We had a whole bucket of cherries that night.

I've had a few stressful weeks at work, and it's slowly getting better. Yesterday afternoon, I felt like I could finally breathe a little. I know it's going to be short lived as things start piling up again, but I hope next round, I'm able to handle it a little better.

I also saw that Navy boy became a daddy on Monday. Good for him and glad he made it home in time. Today I deleted him, and just let it go... I'm good, great, glad, whatever... I learned a lot and am still proud of who I am, even more so, maybe, and double glad that I wasn't in that situation with him. I'd hate to think that someone would ever refer to me as "baby mama". This woman is having his CHILD. I won't go in to that any more, but yeah... A man with more respect for the mother of his child than that is preferred.

Next.

I've got a good topic for the next post, but I'm still working on it in my mind... Guess I should start writing it down so I don't forget. It's about a "new" band in the Texas "scene", and some thoughts on how fans become fans. Nothing bad, promise ;)

My holiday weekend will be relaxing. Thank goodness! Tomorrow night is dinner with a group of former high school acquaintances , Saturday I am SLEEPING IN! and then hitting up the pool... just a day that I chill out, lay back and relax! Sunday, church and the afternoon with Ashley while we plan out our weekly menu and do something crafty. Monday I"m catching up on crafty, laundry, cleaning, and some more Friday Night Lights and Tim Riggins. Thankyouverymuch.

Enjoy what you have planned and remember to celebrate the small things :) That's real life, people!

Re-Upping the Confidence

2011-06-19T21:55:00.004-05:00

AHHH! I've been SOOOO absent here lately! There's been a CRAZY amount of stuff going on... work, benefit planning, job hunting, working elections, highs, lows, in-betweens, and what-nots...

My sister's dog passed away a week ago and that knocked me down. I just hurt for her because I knew she was hurting, but she was so busy with so much, and so all I could do was pray for her. But I think that was all she needed at the time.. she knows I would have been there if she had needed me to be. So I'm praying for her this week b/c I know it's going to be a big adjustment being home. (She was in Colorado for a Younglife retreat). Send one up for her if you are the sending-one-up kind of person. Gracias!

I've also been looking for and applying for a new job... I've not been solid happy at the place I'm at for a while now, and know there's something bigger and better for me in this big ol' world. Last week I was feeling pretty down, beat up, and hopeless. Tehre were maybe 5 of the 20+ jobs I applied for that I really would love the opportunity to interview for and subsequently end up doing. It seems like things are getting better, economy wise, because the type of jobs offered and the pay scale seem to both be improving.

Last week I also went to look at houses for sale in a few different preferred zip codes in my sweet little Austin town and thought I was SO far away from being able to even remotely qualify for anything, and was SHOCKED to see what a mortgage could be close to with my desired down payment. Owning a home is something I have dreamed about for a LONG time, because I want to decorate. Not just that, but honestly, I'm running out of room in my little 800 s.f. abode. I want and need space to really create and develop my crafty biz, and really dive in to my zen space. I have been in my apartment for 4.5 yrs now, and do love where I live, but it's just going to be time, when my lease is up next summer, for something different. It might come sooner than that, but I think giving myself 12 months to prepare and really focus on that next employment opportunity will put me in a great place to make that happen. Today I'm optimistic about it.

11 months ago, I also thought I'd be using this time right now to prepare for a home-coming for someone, but that kind of fell through. Funny thing, though, is that I wasn't sad that it went away, b/c I know that it wasn't part of the "master plan". What I was most irritated and frustrated with was the "what it was" that showed me the reality of it all. Out of respect for the situation, I'm just going to leave it at that. I'm also feeling optimistic that I have more of those opportunities coming my way, too. At least, I really hope so. I want to work on something like that, too.

The third part of this is that when I set my New Year's Resolutions, I was really focused on not eating fast food, cutting out the soda, incorporating more "REAL" food, and getting rid of the junk. With all the stress and distraction lately, I've slipped... drive thrus, dr. peppers, and fried whatever have been a part of my menu for the past couple of months... This has to stop again now. I'm ready to get back on my good eats plan, create some structure, work out more and start seeing more of a difference. If I don't do it now, I will slip all the way back to my old habits, and I won't get over the first hump that I'm so close to achieving! I want to get far enough away from this "hump" that I KNOW I won't ever see it again!

I want the best for myself, and as selfish as that sounds, I need to believe it. I need to know that I can achieve something I have dreamed of, and own my happiness. I need to live in my happiness. I need to re-learn what happiness is. It's not about weight loss. It's about being comfortable in my skin, and learning how to be vulnerable. Losing the weight will give me confidence in myself and allow me to do this more.

6 months in, and it's ON.

How?

2011-06-09T13:35:00.002-05:00

How do you say goodbye to a best friend that's been by your side for 12 years? How do you prepare, and make the decision, based on medical findings, that it is to be done, to be a blessing, to be the best thing you can do for your friend?

Tomorrow my sister's saying goodbye to her best friend and he's crossing the rainbow bridge, and tonight she's having a photoshoot with him and his sister, letting him pig out and eat what ever he wants, and then she goes to sleep only to wake up and know she has to say goodbye...

God this isn't fair...

my heart is breaking for her. I can't stop it or make it better.

Communication

2011-05-17T15:42:00.003-05:00

Funny little word... we "communicate" all the time these days... facebook, phone, text, email, instant messaging, blogs, twitter... constantly communicating.

but so many people hear NOTHING!

It's such an egocentric thing to do... to pour out constantly, to ask for opinion, to "data dump", but when we start getting information returned to us, we turn our minds off and hear NOTHING!

So next time you ask for "advice" or want to vocalize your opinion, and someone says "I might not be the best person to talk to about this because of this reason", that might be a clue to think about what you are saying to them, and maybe look to another friend for help.

I LOVE helping people and I LOVE my friends. I just don't love the place my head is right now, and honestly, the thing that was being complained about, I want. SO BAD. and don't have... not any closer to having it. And the major complaint, well that was exactly what was being done to me in the conversation.

Honesty hurts a little, but there's more respect in it that being ignored.

OCMS, ES&MZ, & M&S

2011-04-26T08:45:00.003-05:00

yes, they all mean something... probably more so tomorrow, but tonight...

EEEEK! I get to see Old Crow Medicine Show and Edward Sharp & the Magnetic Zeros open for MUMFORD & SONS!

Now independently, none of these bands has ever been on my "radar" or even a "must see". However I remember the first time I heard "Little Lion Man" on the radio, I was AMPED! Something about that song reves me up, gets my heart pumping, and makes me pay attention. Musically, it's just brilliant! Then they did that whole Bob Dylan thing on the Grammys, and add in that hot British thing, time period clothes, and I was hooked!

I heard Edward Sharp & The Magnetic Zeros on the radio and really dug their song, "Home", and have enjoyed the OCMS for a while now, but never had them on the radar to go see...

Tonight I get all 3! So I have my approval to leave work an hour early, boogie home, change clothes, walk the dog and make my way to the bus that will drop my happy feet off in front of the venue.

Music starts at 6.

Giggity!

My Crafty Page!

2011-04-19T13:28:00.002-05:00

SOOOO... I've linked to my little Crafty World on the tab up there, but if you are reading and haven't clicked on it, DO IT HERE!!! I"m not yelling at you to, but I'll ask sweetly and kindly for you to go "like" my page...

See here's the deal.

I'm glad to have the job I have and I have met some really wonderful people here. I don't hate it, but I don't love it, either. I'm good at it and I can keep doing it for a while longer, but I'm not sold on doing this forever...

I want my own business. I want to make things, not just cards, but home decor, accent pieces, unique things to make the gift giver look AWESOME, and I want to have a flexible schedule. Most of all, one day, if I'm blessed enough to have kids, I want to be able to home-school them, and have this business to do on the side, and still contribute to the family.

I'm working (err fighting and being generally annoyed) with Etsy to get a shop up and running. I had created on eons ago under a different name, and now I'm trying to get it all switched over so I can keep it uniformed and cute... eventually having a logo, website, and more... I want my money to be American Made, American Earned and I want my taxes to be paid from my earning earnestly.

So tell your friends... I'm goin' Nationwide, and Can't wait to be challenged, create more and expand my catalog, all making the world a prettier place, one crafty thing at a time...

and in case you missed it earlier:
CaMeaux's Cards and Crafts

Confidence!

2011-04-10T22:31:00.003-05:00

This past week I've gotten a bit of confidence and feel like patting myself on the back, so smile with me... I won't be gloating... I'm just content and feel a little happy with myself...

I've faltered at a few of the goals I've set for myself for the year, so I'm not perfect, but we knew this already... If you were expecting me to be, sorry for the disappointment, but I'm 100% ok with being imperfect :)

Tonight I cooked dinner based loosely on a recipe on the box... chicken w/ panko bread crumbs (yes, bread crumbs, and I have left overs, so I'll be having bread crumbs during Lent, when I gave up BREAD... I've still not been eating anything bread-y for 6 out of 7 days a week... HARDEST thing to give up! But it's been good to recognize just how MUCH I was eating on a regular basis... I can guarantee you that I will not be eating as much bread as I was before this Lent experience. ) All that being said... my dinner was AWESOME!!! mixed in a little Parmesan, dried basil, season salt, flour, bread crumbs, dipped the chicken in egg/milk mix, then the dry mix, in to the pyrex, drizzled a tiny bit of olive oil in the pan, baked it at 400 for 30 mins, topped with Italian cheese mix for the last 3 minutes... DIVINE! served with Brown Rice and Black beans. It was EXACTLY what I wanted...

Not only did I finally cook, made something new, which I LOVE, but I made home made candies this weekend for 2 events: 1. a pot luck tomorrow night for my small group, and 2. a baby shower at work on Thursday. The pic up top, which is being LAME and not letting me cut and paste it, is of the treats for the baby shower on Thursday... She's having a boy... little Carter.. I thought the mustaches were pretty cute and REAL funny!

AND, if that wasn't enough, earlier today, I had a friend come over to work on some Bridal shower invitations... only needed 7 of them, so coming up with something unique, fun, and light, for the event was a blast! I'm linking to it here, since the picture thing isn't cooperating tonight.. I'm really getting confident with my skills, abilities, and passion, to really do something with this. I see a plan taking place, and can't wait to create more!

The icing on the cake here is going places and seeing people I haven't seen in a little while. It's always great to see friends I don't see very often, but the cherry on top is when they say these few little words "have you lost weight?".

I know I'm doing things, making adjustments, and creating a healthier lifestyle, being more active, and on my way to achieving a way of life that I can handle and have fun with, versus always feeling like I'm a day late and a dollar short.

I'm catching up with life and each time I hear those words, I'm gaining confidence, and one more step away from sabotaging my goal. I still have a ways to go and I know I'll get there.

12 weeks to go. Let's see what I can do with it...

Peace!

~Christy~

I've Always Been Purple

2011-04-05T14:59:00.009-05:00

It's true! As far back as I can remember, I have always picked purple first. When I was a little girl and got to pick my decor for my bedroom, I wanted purple butterflies... I had these for YEARS! We moved to the new house and I had a light cream with purple flowers... balloon curtains that were so cool! Then I went to Jade for a bit. and I've gradually made my way back to purple...

I love love love it! I have bought more purple clothes, and have carried a purple purse for a couple of years. When it gets worn out, I find myself looking for another... it's my "black"...

Recently, I've been thinking of "colors", because I want to update my apartment, freshen up the look a bit, and I know I'm going with a light to robin's egg blue in the dining room... that's a given. I keep looking to see if I can find the perfect shade of purple for my bedroom, because I want new bedding. I have the curtains that I LOVE... so I want to find something they will go with... They are a silvery purple. I'm even willing to go tan, black, or silver/sheen, as long as I can find a way to coordinate it all together. This is proving to be a big fat chore!

In my quest to organize the craft area (this is the only part of my apartment that makes sense right now) I have stumbled across and picked up random lime green and white accessories...

(see... it's just about ready for greatness!)

Now I just have to get the rest of the place in order and do the same! I'm ready for it to sparkle... shine... get an upgraded look! Oh, but the craft area... On top of the black stamp shelf, there's a green fabric basket, and I have 2 more of them on the built ins that you can't see to your right, and I have 2 craft mats that are the same green and white... no idea where this came from, but I keep finding myself drawn to this green! Purple, never to be out done, or forgotten, will never go away. But I have to be careful and not go crazy with this green because it's slightly obnoxious! See:

If I woke up every day to a wall that color, I'd just as soon go back to bed... But the accents are adorable, and I'm not pairing ANYTHING with Hot Pink! I don't dislike Hot Pink, but I don't LURVE it, either...

But back to the reason for today's post... I was wondering what the fascination with this green is about, and if there's an explanation... I haven't found anything yet, and there's still time for me to research it and see what I can find...

But what I did find was a page that discussed what your favorite color says about you. If this is any indication, I am definitely a "Purple"... here's what it says:

Purple: Purples are highly individual, fastidious, witty and sensitive, with a strong desire to be unique and different. Temperamental, expansive and artistic, a Purple person may become aloof and sarcastic when misunderstood. If you chose Purple, you tend to be unconventional, tolerant and dignified, likely to achieve positions of authority.

I just about laughed out loud reading it, because this is me. Spot on. If you know me, you know how true this is.

And here's another:

Violet: Violet, the color of luxury and sensuality helps release creativity. Its lavish nature is seen on religious robes and smelled in expensive perfumes. If violet is your favorite, you may think your strong, sensitive, observant personality makes you quite unique. Chances are you are artistic and enjoy being creative and glamorous. Although you confide in friends, it's tough sometimes for them to "get" you. Some caution against wearing violet around the sick because it's draining.

I thought this one had some truth, too... I'm a little artistic, creative, and pseudo-glamorous, so we'll just pretend it's all true...

I'm still on the hunt for the reason for the green fascination... so lemme know if you find anything out!

but I did find my perfect blue for the wall in my quest... and here it is!:

Just imagine how pretty it'll be with that dark red, and the lime green accents... Call me crazy, but I'm gonna make this work!

Tonight, I'm on my way to fabulous.

New Tabs!

2011-04-04T14:16:00.004-05:00

Go ahead... clickity click! you know you want to! I'm going to be playing with these and adding more...

My Crafty things will link you to my Facebook page where I post all my craftiness... The second, well it's pretty self explanatory, but that goes to my Twitter... I am vaguely awesome there, and post pretty randomly. My day-to-day is still via my facebook page.

The whole blog lay out, tabs, sprucing up, etc, is pretty reflective on how I've been feeling lately. I am resigning my lease at my apartment and have now been there for 4+ years (super long time to be in an apartment), and I'm totally itching to spruce that up a bit, too. Even if it's for only a year or two more, I want to play with paint, accessories, and get my mind around having a real "grown up" place... one that doesn't reflect me as a college kid any more...

A couple of things that are "easy" fixes and can make a HUGE difference:

1. Paint the wall in the dining room (which has now transformed itself in to the craft room) a Robins Egg Blue / Tiffany Blue color that will go with the Dark Red accents I have going, as well as the bright green that has found its way in to the craft area... I imagine CUTE!

2. Overhaul the Study - 1. steam clean the carpet in here (it's become Bella's room, and she's a bit messy some times... but this is where she hangs out the most.), put down a cute rug, new bedding/ duvet, hang curtains, replace blinds (lovey has chewed a hole in them b/c she couldn't see out of them... they've since been cut in half and are always "open"), and get rid of the dresser in there that is falling apart, and looks awful - unless I decide to strip it and re-do it, too... who knows... TBD

3. Hang the sheers in the living room, de-clutter the entertainment center and other pieces of furniture, put things back in boxes and save them for when I have a bigger place... I have the feeling my apartment is starting to look like an episode of "Hoarders", and I really am not... I'm just sentimental, and have always been taught to "unpack everything"... and now, now I'm not gonna do it... back in boxes they go! Or the trash, or the next garage sale... but not on my shelves any more!

4. New bedding for my bedroom, and proper hanging of curtains... I think right now they are hung up by thumbtacks... Go ahead, just call me white trash... it's AWFUL!

I'm ready to have a fun and cute 'Country Chic' design and make it a place where friends come to gather, to craft, to be comfortable and just "BE"...

88 days and 13 weeks until the end of June... 10 lbs down, 20 to go...
(P.S. - I just bought myself a Wii, and I LOVE it! Netflix on there is a BIG fat BONUS!!! - but only after I Wii for a while ;) ) I'm also getting out more, walking more, and enjoying this fine town of mine before the sun has its way with mother nature... not sure I'm ready for 100+ degree temps just yet!

Crafty Hands

2011-03-01T11:20:00.007-06:00

Yay for new the Spring Time look! Figured it was time to switch out the "Happy New Year" thing...

This past Friday I made a trip to Ft. Worth and Billy Bob's Texas to see one of my most favorite songwriters and musicians record a live record. I got to take my mom to her first Brandon Rhyder experience, and I think she really enjoyed it! I did an insane amount of chair dancing, and I might have sang my heart out a little bit, but I can't help it. The CD/DVD should be out some time this summer. I'm so proud of those guys and the fact that Walt & Tina Wilkins AND Radney Foster were on the stage made the night even that much more incredible!

Mom and I did some crafting and card making, and participated in our first ever "Virtual Crop Night"... Here are my creations:

The challenge: incorporate sheet music in to the background of the card

The Challenge: have a red dress on the cover of the card to celebrate Women's Heart Health for the month of February
I LURRVE this one!!! I stamped her on white card stock, and then stamped the design on the red and white polka dot paper, cut out the dress/gloves, and stuck it on top of the original stamp... How cute and sassy is SHE???

I made it back home after a quick stop at Starbucks, and have cuddled with my Bella Boo.. Hoping her muscle strain / pull, or what ever the ailment is, heals quickly... I'm ready for all of her personality to come back! (and not wanting to take her to the vet, but will have to if it's not better in a couple of days)...

I have also started making wreaths made from old paper back books. I saw the idea on a blog a few months ago and KNEW I had to try it! The first one turned out so cute, that I posted it and my friends and family have LOVED the results, too! I was able to auction one off to help my sister raise money for her Avon Walk for the Cure team, and finished that one last night... here they are:

First one... sooo pretty!!!!

Second one: Cute for sweet Karsen

I've added these to the CaMeaux's Cards and Pics page on Facebook, so go "like" it and I'll continue to add pics of my fun creations as they are completed. I'm also selling these for $20/ ea. if you or anyone you know would like to order one. They are 100% customizable.

Tonight I'm going to the "Girlie Night" at Alamo Drafthouse with a couple of fabulous ladies! We'll be dancing and singing along to "Dirty Dancing"! My first time to see it on the big screen and I am STOKED!

Other than that, my week will include reading Water for Elephants (book club Friday night), completing another wreath for delivery on the 9th, and getting ready for a wedding in Halletsville this weekend!

Be fabulous!!!
xoxo!

Alphabet Soup...

2011-02-23T10:05:00.029-06:00

My friend, Mel, posted this on her blog, and I thought it was fun... I haven't done one of these in a while and I have some new readers, so I thought I'd share a bit about Moi :)...

Enjoy!

A. Age:

B. Bed size:

C. Chore you hate: I have to pick just one? Ok, I loathe dusting b/c I have so many knick-knacks... perhaps I should be more selective and rotate them? (So hard for a sentimental soul!)

D. Dogs: yes, my sweetest Bella Boo!

E. Essential start to your day: News. I feel like I'm missing out on something if I don't see/hear it. Almost lost.

F. Favorite color:

G. Gold or silver:

H. Height: 63 inches ;)

I. Instruments you play: Flute / Pic / Voice

J. Job title: Assistant Project Manager - Contract

K. Kids: I love on a few, and can't wait to have my own!

(Hud-muffin & IV)

L. Live: Austin, via Houston, Waco, San Marcos

M. Mom’s name: Judy

N. Nicknames: Cam, MoMo, Chris, C

O. Overnight hospital stays: last one was in college... not sure they ever figured that out... it was scary, though... never thrown up so much in my life!

P. Pet peeve: open cabinets, slow people in the fast lane, people who don't use blinkers, and those who talk so loud because they think it makes them sound important. I could go on, but why?

Q. Quote from a movie: "if you were a melody... I used only the good notes" - Miles - The Holiday

R. Righty or Lefty:

S. Siblings: Older brother and sister, and a younger sister

Back Row: Ronny (BIL), Blaine (Oldest)
front row: Renee (younger), me, Jan (Older), Vicky (SIL)

T. Time you wake up:

U. Underwear: yep!

V. Vegetables you dislike: I know it's a fruit, but tomatoes... but I need to try Heather's suggestions... garlic salt... and peppers... not that I won't eat them when used for seasoning, but I don't eat them raw

W. What makes you run late: what doesn't? seriously, I aim to be early, so I can be on time, and I end up late, no matter what...

X. X-rays you’ve had: knees, teeth

(not my knee, but mine has that little knee cap shifted off to the side... they grind... OUCH!)

Y. Yummy food you make: I don't cook bad stuff...

(Thanksgiving Asparagus & Creamy Mashed Potatoes)

Z. Zoo animal favorite: no idea... haven't "Zoo'd" in a while...
Ok, so I cheated and went a little crazy with the pictures, but I thought it'd be fun and I owed you guys something off the wall and a little creative... so if you just wanna answer the questions, feel free... but I'd love to see your creative pics post, too :)

I hope you enjoyed this... it was really fun to do!

Re-post this, please! These ABCs are fun to know about my fellow bloggers!

Temptation FAIL!

2011-02-22T10:35:00.003-06:00

I've been a bad bad girl...

Last Thursday I gave in to temptation... I could not get this out of my mind... Sweet, Salty, FRIED... I had this for lunch:

I know, it doesn't even look appetizing, right? And the worst part? This pic looks 10 times better than the one I was served. I knew as soon as it was in front of me that I was going to regret it. It was terrible. I actually peeled as much of the batter off of the chicken as I could, and found the chicken was dry and over-cooked. But I continued to eat it. Why? 1. Because I didn't have time to send it back, 2. I recommended the restaurant and had told them that it was soooo good (8 years ago), and 3. I kept thinking I would have one bite that would change my mind and make it worth it. None of that happened and I came back to work feeling terrible and disappointed in myself.

But instead of using this to motivate myself, I buried my head in the most delicious queso, burger, and salted french fries and 2 glasses of wine at Alamo Drafthouse for the Moulin Rouge sing-a-long... every single thing about this night was fabulous, and then I woke up the next morning feeling like my tongue was coated in grease and the taste was going no where...

FAIL!!!!

I definitely have used that day as a milestone and motivation to get my healthy eating back! I am not completely beating myself up for this, but rather choosing to see how, in just 7 weeks without the fried foods, the soda, and definitely no fast food, how much this has re-adjusted my taste buds... I find myself eating a few different things and (GASP!) I ATE GUACAMOLE / AVACADO for the FIRST TIME this year and don't find myself running from it like the plague anymore. I'm not saying we are in love, I'm just saying that if it's there, it's not scary or anything, but I still have an issue with the consistency. The one thing I WISH I could have a taste for is tomatoes... I WISH I could eat them... but again I HATE the consistency, the smell, and the bitterness that I find, even in my spaghetti and pizza sauces. Liking tomatoes would make this whole thing SOOO much easier! Do you know how many healthy recipes include tomatoes and bell peppers? I don't like those either. Generally, if it tastes like dirt, I'm not a fan.

Here's what I do enjoy:
Hummus
Edamame
Raw Carrots
Sugar Snap Peas
Cucumbers
Mushrooms
Squash
Zucchini
Eggplant

Things I have to yet try but have bought:
Butternut squash
Spaghetti Squash

Things I WANT to try but haven't ever bought:
Quinoa
Orzo
Cous Cous (I've had it but never bought it nor fixed it)

Recipes I want to create:
Cilantro Lime dressing - I had some this weekend that I drizzled over some grilled chicken on a tortilla with lettuce and light cheese... ZOMG!!! AMAZING!!!!

I have lost a total of 8 lbs since the beginning of the year, but then gained 3 this past weekend (Thurs thru Sun). I'm not mad, b/c I know that I did this to myself just by making bad decisions, and not being more disciplined with the choices I made. I also have not gotten my work out going this year, and I am disappointed in myself for that. I feel like I've been so busy, but also, I am tired a lot. I think this is because of my stress at work, and my full schedule. But even I can find 20 minutes a day to get my heart pumping and beating a little faster... Sure the butterflies and good music get me going, but I want my heart to beat because I am pushing myself, getting results I want, and be more active. Spring is right around the corner, and I have 22 more lbs to go for my first goal. I can make it!

Thoughts? Encouragement? Suggestions?

Resolution Re-Visit

2011-02-03T13:37:00.005-06:00

So how are your NY Resolutions coming along? I was asked, or challenged, on some of mine the other day, and I knew without a doubt that I was mindful and focused when it came to this one, and I thought I should check in and see how I was doing on the others. Yeah, being good at some is good, but to focus on all of them, that will be the ultimate! So here's my update on and check in with the 10 things I set in front of me back in December:

1. Read the Bible daily. I have a plan on my phone that will allow me to do this, and I have a daily reminder already set on my phone... I'm looking forward to all the ways God will speak to me and educate me in His Word this year.
*I haven't been great about reading the Bible every day. I usually ignore the reminder that pops up, so shame on me. I have been reading in the book of Esther for my Bible study (Beth Moore) - so I'm trying to be better about this.

2. To challenge excuses with truth and deep honesty. With myself, first and foremost, but also to challenge those around me the same way. I will lose some days, and I will lose people in my life, but I will be brave and not back down when I want to avoid the difficult things.
*I've been doing this with myself and have been much more aware of when the excuses are getting in my way. Like the whole "not reading the Bible thing"... I could come up with excuses why I shouldn't, but the more I think about it, I feel like I'm trying to ignore God, and that's hard to do, so I'm going to leave the "I just don't want to's", and the "I'm tired's" behind, and just start doing! I'll be a lot happier when I do! Same goes for the gym thing...

3. To create a menu and eating plan that will be effective in my lifestyle change - boosting my metabolism, eating better, staying full, and making my outside reflect the way I am on the inside.
a. 1250 cals / day. - haven't been strict on this, but have definitely made better food choices, limiting my caloric intake
b. work out 5 days a week - ultimate FAIL
c. no soda - total SUCCESS!
d. no fried foods - I'm at about 90% here. had a few fries and chips here and there. Less than 4 times in January.
e. no more drive thrus - I'm at 100% on this.
f. cheat day allowed every other week - I've not been uber focused on this b/c I haven't been strict on my calories and have not had many cravings or a ton of temptations.
g. weigh in once a week - I've not been diligent about this, usually weighing in a couple times a week, but not daily, so I'm feeling ok with this. Would like to have a chart that goes Monday to Monday, or Sunday to Sunday...
h. drink half my weight in water ounces... oy! - I did great on this half way thru the month, and then I moved offices and stopped filling up my water bottle all the time, not to mention I got tired of peeing every 5 minutes.

4. To complete a project each month - I got a new Cricut machine for Christmas, and can't wait to use this and become more of a crafty creator than I already am... I have 4 projects ready to get started on... and I don't have to go anywhere to get them.. - FAIL. I haven't gotten my craft corner organized, and I have SUCKED at being motivated for this. I miss it a ton, but I've been lazy and just haven't done anything to fix it. Taking a Card class on Saturday, though :)

5. To talk to and see more of my friends that I have lost touch with. It's been awesome to reconnect with people via facebook. - Got to visit with a few friends, and have more on my list. Getting used to my "freedom" via car is scary and liberating, all at the same time

6. Blog more regularly. - well, you can tell how well I've done here... hmpf.

7. Travel to more places. - well so far I have been to San Antonio. Ft. Worth next month, Halletsville the month of March, and April is full of music, so I'll be close to home. May is W. Palm Beach, I hope, and June / July, I'll go where I have to, to complete the circle. August, I'm praying for Colorado.

8. Get that whole 5K thing taken care of - FAIL - I haven't run one step. I want to run in the spring.

9. Be content with who I am and what I have, yet always strive for more. - I do this daily.

10. Read more books (YAY for Free Kindle via Amazon on the EVO!) - FAIL~ I need to open the kindle more often and dust off the books on my shelf. A whole world is out there... I just need to learn to be ok with the quiet and just enjoy the words on the page. Somewhere along the way, I lost the appreciation for a good quiet.

So there's my truth... how've yours been so far? Anything to high five or encourage you for?

Brrrrr!!!

2011-02-02T21:14:00.002-06:00

and yes, I know, everyone's cold today, but I can't help it! I'm even cold with the heater on! Glad to know we have some snow on the way, though. It helps with my Colorado depression (missing it BAAAAAD)! Here's hoping we get enough to make the town pretty! Bonus is that the cold weather has allowed me to dig in to my drawer of fun and cute winter accessories! I do have good taste when it comes to winter-wear! Hats, scarves, gloves... all adorable and favorites!!!!

So here's the latest run down...

I got new wheels! YAY!!! A HUGE thank you to my mom and dad for helping me with that whole thing... super stressful! I now have a 2010 Jeep Liberty, white, and her name is Gringa. I'm already in love and it's not even been 2 weeks yet. You might think that's moving a little fast, but one morning with the seat warmers sealed the deal. The bluetooth connection thru the radio is icing on the cake :)

I've also moved offices. I'm now a little further from home, but still not bad at all! I go against the traffic for the most part, and it's a pretty straight 10 miles, and 15 minutes away. The set up isn't ideal, but I know it's a lot of adjusting. The dynamics of the team have definitely changed quite a bit, and I know it needed to happen. Some things are a little more bittersweet than others, though. Work has slowly, and I mean S.L.O.W.L.Y. picked up, and I think by next week we might be at a point to be on our own and actually have some good training references. as for now, it's still a lot of down time, and confusion with everyone. I'm looking forward to having confidence in what I'm doing and being a stand out on my team.

I got to hear from the boy today. He's actually state side for an unknown amount of time, on leave. He's making his way to be with his family, as his G'pa isn't doing well. He's really fond of him, and they've always had a special bond. I know it's sad for him to know he's going to say goodbye, so I'm praying that it's peaceful, and he is able to find comfort in his family. He's done so great the past 7 months, and now with 5 to go before he's home for good, I hope it all flies by. What a sad thing... I'm just really glad that he got to come back to be with his g'pa. I know what it's like to lose your favorite. My heart breaks for him. He just missed getting his latest package by a day... I'm sure it's sitting in the mail room as we speak... the next one was supposed to go out today, but I'm going to hold off until I hear from him and see when he might be back, or if I need to send it somewhere else...

Other than that, I've been busy and on the go! I never realized how much I hadn't done b/c I was scared to drive my car at night... So if I'm a little absent here, don't worry! I haven't forgotten you, I've just been running! :)

Car Troubles...

2011-01-13T13:31:00.002-06:00

I really hate having car trouble... taking it in to the shop is always a scary thing and stresses me out. It's like they can see me coming, that I'm the lost girl walking in there, and have a "SUCKER" sticker planted on my forehead...

Yesterday it was driving a little weird, like dropping the acceleration, or speed, and then picked right back up, and it did it again when I left work, and then the light came on... so I boogied to the store, and straight home...

They were busy this morning! I was there at 8:45, thinking I'd be after the opening rush, and before the mid-day folks were gonna come in, and still have time to be at work at a decent hour... I was here by 9:45 or so, and it's thrown my whole day off...

But now I wait... anxiously... to see what the problem is with the car... praying for something minor and fixable, b/c I just got new tires, and the oil changed, and quite honestly it's nice not having a car payment... I don't wanna buy a car... but I want a good car... this one's been great so far.

But just in case, I'm looking at the Carmax dealerships here in Austin to see what they have online... this makes me so nervous.

Another side effect of this car's illness, I don't get to go to Houston this weekend. Not that I love or want to go to H-town, but I'm missing a crafty class with my sister, and friends, that had been rescheduled from the canceled one back in November. Super bummed to miss it. But I know I have plenty of stuff to keep me occupied at home, and lots of crafty things to do on my own, not to mention, my clothes situation in my room is out.of.control. I haven't seen my room this bad in YEARS! Also, I got a new crafty toy for Christmas and it's still in the BOX! ACK! I'm gonna bust that bad boy out and go to town!

What are you going to do this weekend?

Music lists...

2011-01-06T14:50:00.002-06:00

I've seen so many lately ... the sexy list, the party list, the work out list, the road trip list

list

list

list...

what lists do you have and what's on them?

I've been listening to an insane amount of John Mayer and Dave Matthews Band today, followed by a bit of Blue October, and I think Depeche Mode might be next...

So needless to say, I've been thinking about my lists of lists today... think I'll be posting them, but I gotta compile them first...

A hard task for a music girl.

Lots of New

2011-01-04T09:40:00.002-06:00

Happy 2011, Bloggers!

Whew! I was wondering if I was going to be able to tame myself with all the partying I did last week! Let me tell you, it was BRUTAL!

Actually, it was fantastically LAME! I didn't do much of anything but work, and way too much eating out (because I was trying to avoid the grocery store like the plague... every day it seemed too busy to go anywhere!) I came home from Christmas with a whole bag of goodies (courtesy of sister... AMAZING!) but then I am faced with "dear bob, it's my b-day week and how am I going to eat all of these things???) Out to lunch at Chipotle (why I haven't eaten there more is beyond me... chicken tacos, um YUM!?!?!?), dinner with a couple of friends at Texas Land & Cattle, where I proceeded to order the CFS (or Chicken Fried Steak, if you're not from the south). When I tell you that this thing covered the plate, I'm not exaggerating on bit. It was over the edges. I immediately asked for a to go box. b/c I was NOT going to sit there and stare at this enormous piece of fried deliciousness. The whole reason I got it was b/c I wanted to end my fried food fair on a high note. Let's just say, it didn't disappoint. AND I got 4 meals out of it! FOUR! QUATRO! The ladies at work also got me a delicious German Chocolate Cake (favorite)!!! So a successful birthday, and I only had a glass of wine and good night kisses from my Bella girl.

New Years Eve, I didn't do a damn thing. I facebooked, found myself watching some show about unsolved abductions (wth?), to which I switched the channel and ended up channel surfing around the celebrations from Vegas to NYC, sipping on my own bottle of Champagne. Toasted to the boy at 11, to myself at midnight, and my BFF at 1. Then it was bed time...

The best thing about going to sleep those 2 days (30th and 31st) was that I had no alarm. I had the best wake up, even if it was at 7 and 8 am, to lay there as long as I wanted to, or atleast until I had to pee, and just cuddle with my pup. I think she was a fan, too.

So here we are New Year, and I've made my ham, black eyed peas, Asian slaw salad, made sure to get my luck and prosperity taken care of. I've read my Bible (phone app) daily, and I started counting / tracking my calories / food. I went walking last night with my flashlight in hand, and it was pretty perfect. I thought that perhaps the gym would be full at the apt, so I took to the street, with an arsenal of songs in my head for different tempos. Who needs an ipod when you are a music nut and can come up with a tempo on cue?

Last night's selection was a collection of tunes from "Singin' in the Rain"... oddly enough, they are all about the same tempo, so we might have sped up the RPM a bit... (please tell me you still know what an RPM is...)

Still working on that grace thing, but definitely encouraging people to get rid of their excuses and be real with themselves, hoping it carries over to others, too.

I feel really good about what will be blessed on me this year. I'm optimistic and excited for what is already on the calendar and can't wait to see what else comes up!

This month :
Stamp camp with sister and friends in Houston
Couples shower for Jennie & Brian in San Antonio
My Honkytonk friend comes back to town for a show

How's your year going so far?

WHEW! That's Over!

2010-12-28T16:01:00.003-06:00

Christmas, that is...

It seems as fast as it ramped up, it was over! How??? How does time fly when we get older, and creep along when we're kids? Time certainly isn't slowing down, and I think it's a good thing...

The boy got his package, and I swear the USPS was on my side for SURE! It got to him in a record 7 days!!! 7! It usually takes 10, so I was really sweating that whole "get the pkg there before Christmas" thing b/c the 10th day was Christmas Eve! Miraculously, my Skype was online on my EVO, and he was able to wake me up at 6 am so I could see him open it online :) YAY for technology!!! (but BOO for the inet svc on the island... voice is better than nothing, for sure! And he was pleased with his goodies, too! Now I'm just waiting for the USPS to be so kind and get that other one delivered in the other direction... (his to me ;) )...

My Christmas was spent with my family in Missouri City, outside of Houston, where we feasted on Steak and a fine bottle of wine on Christmas Eve, watched Candlelight service on the internet from sister's home, and did a little Christmas prepping and baking. Christmas day was a blur of family, amazing food (Thanks to my awesome sister who can cook her way to anyone's heart! so talented!!), and some fun gifts, too. My grandmother was able to join us and we loved being a family that day. It's like it all finally came together. It was good. That night we had our cousin slumber party, where we watched movies, tried to educate the man-boy on good lines for the ladies, and in return, he rubbed our feet and backs. He's gonna be just fine with the ladies... no doubt!

Soooo... my little life changes and things to do this next year (YAY for 2011!!!) are taking shape quite nicely! I am getting ramped up, making my grocery list, got my calorie counter set, a plan of action, and a heart full of determination. Here they are, so far, in no particular order.

1. Read the Bible daily. I have a plan on my phone that will allow me to do this, and I have a daily reminder already set on my phone... I'm looking forward to all the ways God will speak to me and educate me in His Word this year.

2. To challenge excuses with truth and deep honesty. With myself, first and foremost, but also to challenge those around me the same way. I will lose some days, and I will lose people in my life, but I will be brave and not back down when I want to avoid the difficult things.

3. To create a menu and eating plan that will be effective in my lifestyle change - boosting my metabolism, eating better, staying full, and making my outside reflect the way I am on the inside.
a. 1250 cals / day.
b. work out 5 days a week
c. no soda
d. no fried foods
e. no more drive thrus
f. cheat day allowed every other week
g. weigh in once a week
h. drink half my weight in water ounces... oy!

4. To complete a project each month - I got a new Cricut machine for Christmas, and can't wait to use this and become more of a crafty creator than I already am... I have 4 projects ready to get started on... and I don't have to go anywhere to get them..

5. To talk to and see more of my friends that I have lost touch with. It's been awesome to reconnect with people via facebook.

6. Blog more regularly.

7. Travel to more places.

8. Get that whole 5K thing taken care of

9. Be content with who I am and what I have, yet always strive for more.

10. Read more books (YAY for Free Kindle via Amazon on the EVO!)

I have 10 things there, and I know that I will do better at some than others, but I hope they each inspire and encourage me to keep going, to break out of my comfort zone and to spend less time on the couch (this will NOT please the pup, but I WILL be pleased with the results!)

Most of all, right now, I am looking forward to the summer but don't worry... I won't miss what the next 6 months have for me first.

My heart is full and happy, or maybe it's all the Christmas candy!?!?!?

Old friends...

2010-12-21T09:12:00.003-06:00

and i'm not talking about age...

I LOVE that we can pick up the phone once in a blue moon and pick up right where we left off! She has been my friend since the first grade... We shared lots of sleep overs, a terrible bout with doggie diarrhea (Thanks, Gidget... who knew you were allergic to peanuts??), girl scout camps, sneaking out to roam the neighborhood, her babies, and incredibly shrinking boobs (seriously, she has her second baby and the first words out of my mouth were "OMG, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BOOBS???") and we can still giggle like school girls...

Last night we talked for 2 hours on the phone b/c I had to gush and tell her about THAT guy... only we had started the convo on FB while her daughter was trying to be smart, fun and witty (and she totally is! - Love ya', Olivia), and then I think we got her back... so FUN times on the FB...

Oh, and I introduced her to Bon Qui Qui, too... she's a teacher and apparently has a class full of future Bon Qui Qui's... Aim high, kids, aim. high.

She is my oldest friend, and I'm so glad for that. Not everyone can say they've had a friendship to last a lifetime. I'm glad I can.

Extension...

2010-12-20T18:45:00.002-06:00

Well today I finally heard back on my current job, with the contract extension. I've been working on one project for AT&T as a project coordinator since the end of September. I knew this was a short thing, ending at the end of the year. As the end of the year has crept up on us, or sped up on us, we, a team of 40 or so, have been wondering when we were going to be hearing back on if we were picked up on the next round of contracts for a new project. Today was that day.

I GOT THE CONTRACT!

yay, right? yeah, I guess... I mean I'm grateful and all, and it's a relief to know that I will have a paycheck at least for another 6 months... and the project is new, so I'm hoping i enjoy it more than I have the one that I am currently wrapping up. The irony is that I'm really good at what I do now, but it's not a challenge... it's not hard for me... it's a piece of cake. Pretty boring, and not very exciting. I do like the majority of my team and I'm glad to see so many of them get the invitation to continue on. There are some being let go, and for them, I am sad because I know how hard it is to find a job right now. So I'm praying they find something soon... Sadly one of them leaving is a guy that I sit next to, and we've become good friends. So I hope he finds something to go to for the new year... I know what it's like to not know what's next, especially right here at Christmas and the New Year. ... so keep those folks in your prayers...

I'm still hoping and praying I hear something this week on the Leasing Manager position at my apartment complex. I had my second interview a couple weeks ago and know they had to interview others that had applied from within the company. Per one individual that works there, I have been told that I am the front runner, as far as they are concerned, we are just up against the fact that I don't have leasing experience, but I do have a ton of Marketing, Event Planning and especially sales and people skills to do the other 90% of the job, and can definitely learn the leasing side of it. I know I would be GREAT for the property, and it's definitely a job that I want! So i'm praying for that, too.

This week IS Christmas, so I know that there are a lot of people traveling and getting to see their loved ones. I am glad to see mine, but it's going to be a different Christmas this year. Things are still pretty tense with my grandmother, and I am about to pick up the phone and call her... I'll apologize for what was said and try to explain that it was never directed at her, but it was a description of how her actions and words were making us all feel... The sad part is that out of all the great and God-led things I spoke that day, the words I said in anger and frustration are the only ones that she chooses to hear and remember... So I have my work cut out for me... I know I need to and I want to get things back to the way they should be, I'm just not ready to have her speak to me and shake a proverbial finger in my face... so I'm ready for God to give me the words and the ears to make it all better...

The other good news is that I talked to THAT guy on Friday... each time I hear his voice it's a bit sweeter, and it makes it all make sense some how... He'll get his Christmas package this week, and I'm hoping it's on Friday, before Christmas, but if not, there's nothing I can do about it, and I know he'll appreciate it all the same, regardless of when it gets there... His spirits are high, and he's on the downhill side of a 12 month assignment... I'm praying, for his sake, and mine, that these next 6 months fly by! Next summer is gonna be AWESOME! I can already tell!!!

I hope and pray you all are blessed a hundred times this Christmas! Cards are going out tomorrow... here's hoping those get there on time, too... Day late, dollar short... Story of my life.

Favorite Christmas Song:

O' Holy Night... the magnitude of what it's all about gives me chills and brings tears every time. just like the Star Spangled Banner... 2 of the best songs ever written! What's your favorite and why???

Merry Christmas!

Meow.

2010-12-15T15:14:00.002-06:00

seriously... amazing...

loving this letting go thing... so exciting and the anticipation is almost too much!

But knowing that finally seeing the good things show up and over take the not-so-good things, yeah, I'm a big fan!

And yes, I'm gonna be a big sappy nerd, but seriously, ONE silly email can change the entire tone of a day... especially when he says "I'm sending you something"...

I may have been up, out of my chair, dancing around in a circle, and trying to hold back a tear or two, because I was / am so. excited!

This girl is a smitten kitten.

WHEW I can mark THAT off my list!

2010-12-14T13:01:00.003-06:00

I knew my December was going to be ridiculously busy, and it hasn't been anything BUT so far! I don't really see it slowing down any time soon. This coming weekend, I don't have plans, but I know I will be super busy. I want to get my Christmas cards done, my entire apartment cleaned and organized, and enjoy the life that is in front of me. Oh, and I have to finish up the Christmas list... The men in my family are either boring to buy for (socks and movies, anyone?, or they give no hint as to what to get them... gift cards, anyone? = BORING! I like to give really cool gifts!)

This past weekend, I was flying around like crazy and Monday morning, it hit me in the face. I woke up, barely able to open my eyes, wearing stress like it was an accessory, and decided to call in sick, and it's a good thing I did... I ended up spending the whole day working on the ONE Christmas gift that HAD to be shipped 10 days out - MINIMUM, and I'm crossing my fingers that the USPS is on my side...

Today, I stood in line for 30 minutes and was able to ship it off without a hitch! Now I just wait for it to get there... I just wish I could see his face when he opens it! I'm pretty proud of myself... I think I did real good! I LOVE giving gifts! and I LOVE watching people open them... for me, it's better than opening my own...

so now for the next 10 days, I'll WAIT ...

Oh, and the other good thing... we're 6 months down... 6 more to go, unless there's some favorable travel arrangements made in the next couple of months... and that could totally happen... EEEK!

Birthday and New Years still have zero plans. I am 100% ok with this.

Getting my affairs in order...

2010-12-10T11:01:00.002-06:00

Only because the year is about to wrap up and I want to have all my goals set and in order for the new year. Not only is it new year time, but it's birthday time, and Christmas time, so I'm gonna end this year of ups and downs on a GOOD note! I'll eat my cake and ice cream, have my cocktails, and then...

Then it's off to the races ;)

I'm working on a list of things I want to do and kick off with for the new year, and it's somewhat inspired by others, but all for myself, getting healthy.

2009 I hit the road to healthy with exercise and calorie counting. I loved it! Then when I got laid off in Feb. of that year, my schedule and motivation hit a skid... it stopped... I was lost and confused, not to mention completely unmotivated.

I've tried to occupy my insane amount of unstructured time with healthy routines, and good intentions, and honestly, I'm glad it was still in my mind, and not forgotten, to wallow in self pity for a period of more than a few days... (which I did a few times in my "time off"...), but a few failed attempts doesn't mean I don't have the chance to do it again, so here I go...

I'm finally in a place where I'm feeling more secure in my financial and employment status, and have a sweet "he" to help occupy my mind, along with a super busy schedule, and I am honestly overflowing with optimism right now. This is such a great thing leading up to the New Year, and honestly, it takes the focus off of me officially entering my mid-thirties. (I'm not so excited about that, but know it's a guarantee, so I can't fight the calendar...)

So here's where my goals are coming from and a few things I have on my plate to work on as I enter the new year:

1. I still want to do a 5K - I'm psyching myself up for how to deal with the pain in my shins after I run... they hurt for days and days, but I believe in the Couch to 5K program, so I want to kick start that again at the gym.

2. Have a regular gym schedule. walking/weights / run / swim?

3. Counting Calories - I was really good at this and had it down to an art form! Lost 16 lbs in 6 weeks last time, and I know I can do it again this round!

4. I'm giving up soda again. If I have one per week, I will allow it, but no more.

5. I'm giving up fast food. Easy Peasy. I've pretty much stayed away from it for a while now, minus a couple of P.Terry's burgers on occasion. (C'mon, it's P.Terry's, for pete's sake!)

6. Eat more veggies, less fat, less sugar, and all around cook more at home.

The "he" is not the reason, but merely the motivation. I know he's completely ok with how I am, however I am not. I know I can be better. There's no reason at all that I should live the rest of my life in a pair of jeans, size 16. Make me a 10/12, and I'll still have the same great smile, just less of a double chin ;).

And no, Gluttony for December is not on the plate, rather, I'm being realistic, knowing that I have Christmas celebrating, Birthday celebrating, and New Years celebrating to do, as well as winding down one job, and potentially having a job offer for a new one, AND an insanely busy schedule, I would be setting myself for failure, and my theme for 2011 is success!

I have so much excitement and optimism for good things this next year, that I know I don't fathom even half of it! and I am READY!!!

oh, and another reason 2011 is gonna be great, well... it's got the number 11 in it... and we all know how I feel about 11... especially Hebrews 11:1

"Now Faith is the Substance of things Hoped for and the Evidence of things Not Yet Seen". Hebrews 11:1.

Now how's THAT for your 2011?

Bring it!

what I wrote in the "about me"

2010-12-09T11:20:00.001-06:00

TEST BLOG FROM PHONE...

Music snob, munchkin lover, certified news junkie, celebrity gossip junkie, blog reader / writer, Facebook professional, cookie baker & coffee addict.

Oh, and Hebrews 11:1... I ADORE Hebrews 11:1. And Paul. I adore Paul. I call him Precious Paul. I think we'd be great friends if we ever met. I hope he's waiting for me when I get to Heaven. I can't WAIT to meet him!!!

Do not give me brussel sprouts, weird veggies, or anything spicy... but Cheese? I can definitely eat some cheese...mmmm...Cowboy Queso from Kerry Lane? Anytime!

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Numbers...

2010-12-09T08:51:00.002-06:00

It's been fun playing the little number game on facebook... I've been a little different, and have started a "note" and have been adding to it as the numbers come in... And today I got a number that made me laugh and cry at the same time... Best way to start my day.

Now I have to figure out what to write... some are easier than others, one, I don't want to say too much, but just enough...

But to honestly see how we touch one another with friendship and love, seeing it all over, I think it's lovely.

I know, it might be annoying to see people writing to people you don't know, or do know, but not know it's them, and to see so much stuff clogging up your news feed, but honestly, I'm glad to see so many positive things, in a time where there is so much negativity around... angry co-workers, slamming phones, starting gossip, cancer diagnosis, death, war, politics, bad football seasons, etc... you name it... bad stuff, friends...

So smile and be glad that there are people who want to celebrate and recognize the good stuff...

"HE" sent me a message this morning, and wants to play... I laughed and cried at the same time, because he put some thought in to his number... it was sweet to see.

A number, message, and a cup of coffee, with a side order of puppy dog kisses... That's how I started my morning...

It is good.

The big C...

2010-12-07T22:24:00.001-06:00

struck again.

I hate it.

I just wish it'd stop hurting my friends and the ones they love... it's too much...

say your prayers for this one, friends... She's gonna need them... it's only the beginning...

Things are Stirring...

2010-12-01T13:40:00.003-06:00

My head is filled with all kinds of fun things for Christmas! I absolutely LOVE watching people smile and enjoy what they receive, and celebrate family and the birth of Christ. A true reflection of the life and liberties we are all afforded because He lived!

This year, instead of buying things to gift to my family, I am going to make most of them... I have some really sweet and fun ideas, now I just have to make sure I plan the time to get them all done. December is shaping up to be a crazy, busy one! But as crazy and busy as it will be, I don't want to lose sight of what is important. I won't go in to that again here, but Jesus IS the reason for the season, and I just ask that you all continue to keep our military men and women in your prayers, as they are away from their loved ones this Christmas season.

So what's on my plate for this month? This weekend, I have a bit of "free" time, and that will be used to get the rest of the decorating done, focus on one particular gift, b/c it has to be shipped off pretty soon, church, and getting my cards ready to send out... (if you'd like to get a crafty card, you can shoot your address to my facebook inbox, or my email... ) I think I'm going to make a few different ones... I have learned so many fun and new techniques, that I can't wait to do them en masse and send them all out!

The rest of this month, I have birthday parties, baby showers, and am crossing my fingers to get to go to San Antonio and do the "Riverwalk at Christmas", complete with some cheesy and greasy Mexican goodness, and maybe a couple of Martinis... oh, and I'm gonna help Jennie get her "Save the Dates" and Wedding DIYs done, too... I can't tell you how fun it is to help a friend plan and execute her wedding! If I can't plan my own, why not help someone else? :)

My job is going well, and I'm really excelling at it. I have been a trainer, and have been added to a "hotline" specialist, all for the same pay, but my knowledge and experience is growing, which is a great thing. However, it's not satisfying my thirst to do more. I feel like I am slipping backwards because I am not challenged at all, in doing my job. Dealing with unhappy people is not a challenge for me. I see it as something I am good at, but would love to deal with people that are less negative and understand my desire to help them. That being said, I have a new opportunity that came my way via my neighbor. It seems they are looking for a Leasing Manager at my apartment complex, and I was asked to apply for the job. It feels so good to have someone come to me because they appreciate who I am and think I would do a great job. I still have to see what it is all about, but a break in rent cost sure sounds fabulous! And I LOVE where I live, too... who knows what it all means, but I will surely open the door that is put in front of me!

Music wise, I haven't been to many shows lately, and honestly, I'm 100% ok with that. I went to see Deadman open for Micky & the Motorcars the other week, and it was a truly fantastic show! I love the music of both bands, and to have them play the same bill, it was great! Not too crowded, and a few of my fun peeps to see out, too! This weekend, I am hoping to get to San Marcos to see an acoustic show with Wade Bowen and Sean McConnell... these two guys together, it doesn't get much better... and they are both in the top 5 songwriters I LOVE to go see.

Oh, and for birthday, I think I'm just gonna do a dinner night with friends... location TBD, but I'm leaning toward "Jack Allen's Kitchen" in Bee Cave... it keeps getting rave reviews from those who have gone and I'm dying to try it out... the other place in the running is my lovely ZTejas! Ahhhh... Cornbread!!!! It's hard to plan a birthday b/w Christmas and New Years!!! And even harder to afford it, lol...

New Years plans, I'm still drawing a blank... I don't really have a desire to go out at all, and would be content sitting at home, sipping on a bottle of Almond Champagne, looking up, and catching a few fireworks... I guess turning 35 really does mean I'm growing up.

Well, that's no fun... But I'm more than ready for 2011 and have a list of things I want to accomplish next year... but I'll save that for when the list is ready and the goals are set in stone :) I have a feeling that 2011 is going to be my year of years. The one that will be the best yet. I'm so ready for it!

But until that gets here,

Merry Christmas to each of you and may God bless you all! Thanks for being my readers, my friends, and my family. God was good when He chose you for me! :)

I'm Thankful for so much, yet I feel guilty...

2010-11-24T19:05:00.006-06:00

I have to start off by saying that the Blessings that God has given me are too many to count. I am forever grateful that He is my Father, and that I have a relationship with him. I am thankful that He continues to forgive me when my mind wanders, when I say things that shouldn't be said, and when I act in ways that don't please Him.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving... so being thankful is what it's about... or at least a small part of things we think about... the blessings and graces extended to us in this year... and I have so many to list, so I won't do it all here... God knows my heart, and it is overflowing.

but here's the short list:

The time I got to spend getting to know myself again, outside of having a "real" job.
The babies I got to love on and spend time with while I was "off"
Not having to wake up with an alarm clock every day.
the JOB! (God, I am so grateful for this).
For recognizing what a heartbeat is.
For realizing what loving my family really means.
My friends that listened to me and loved me on my "not-so-good" days.
For my church and small group who let me be me and extend grace, love and prayer when I ask for it, and even when I don't.
For our military men and women. I don't know that I truly grasp what all that entails, but the sacrifices they make so we can afford to live a truly free lifestyle leaves me speechless.

and tonight I'm feeling guilty and selfish.

Why? Because I am sad that I won't have time to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Just one day and I can't make it work because of, well,... work. I get to spend it with a friend and her family, which is completely great, and I am so blessed to have the invitation. I will hit up the stores at 4 am either by myself, or with a friend or two, and then go in to work.

He will cook a turkey or two for about 20 people who are spending their American holiday in a foreign country where the number one religion is Islam. They don't worship God or pray to Him. He is surrounded by water, and the internet is spotty, so time with family and friends is never on time, and you take what you can get. He wont' see his family, or get their hugs for another 7 mos or so, and here I am, sad because I can't spend one day with mine.

I honestly don't grasp an ounce of what his life is like there. I know he's busy a LOT and is tired a LOT. He works hard and is a great leader. He inspires, instructs and does his best to find fun and outlets for stress, when they become available. But I don't have a clue as to what his "day-to-day" is. Who gets to be there for him when his days aren't so great? His best friend is in the states, his family is in the states, and whatever I am right now... well I'm here, too... (no, not a dig, just haven't had any "DTR" convos, and honestly, I'm not sure we really could because of the circumstances, but that's beside the point.) The point is, his foundation, his 'network' of people aren't within arm's reach, and a lot of times, phone's reach, or internet's reach...

It's funny to see how you can get to know someone, outside of the "typical" get-to-know-someone... Let's face it... nothing about this is "typical", except for the fact that my best friend made the introduction... and the conversations are always great... we both go our ways with smiles on our faces, anticipating the next one, thinking about "when"... knowing we will see each other at some point...

I respect him for what he does and love that he is so full of pride for his job, his duty, to our country. But I hate that he can't come home. I know, rules are rules. Duty is Duty. I looked online to try and find blogs or "this is what it's like" posts, and see so many things written about hate and objection. I want to shake these people and tell them "DON'T YOU GET THAT HIS DEDICATION AND DUTY GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT????"

And another part of me, my heart breaks a little. His picture has been published in the "news-magazine", but never his face. I know it's him. I could pick him out of any photo... which kinda surprised me... and I immediately wanted to print it out and show everyone because I was so excited to see him in his work environment - serving our country. I love seeing him from different angles. I am so proud of him. I don't think he knows just how much, but I do try to tell him often. And up until now, seeing those pictures, I don't know that I understood that feeling. I knew I was, but tonight, seeing those, I FELT it. Proud. of. him.

So as we head in to this busy and hurried holiday season, remember that the news doesn't tell you everything. They show the good stuff, and are limited on the bad. Our service men and women face more than we will ever truly know.

Tonight I shed a few tears because my family is apart this Thanksgiving. I shed a few more for him because he doesn't get to be with his, either. Not even for Christmas. A few more because I don't know how hard it is there, and I doubt he'd ever tell me it was. He is a proud protector for the U.S.A., and will stand up for our rights, as Americans. And there are a few shed because I know when I wrap my arms around his neck for the first time, it will be because for the first time since we have started this little adventure, I will know he's safe. Safe. for the first time since I've known him, I will know he is safe.

My trust in God has never been stronger. He was listening to my prayers - there are so many - past and present and ongoing. Please pray with me that he will know how much I care, and that he comes back safe. I know now why God blessed me with the patience I've prayed for, for so long.

But... ... ...

I want him home.

Mordecai Ale Van Allen O'Shea

2010-11-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

I finally won.

2010-08-31T13:42:00.002-05:00

It's always been interesting to me that people who have hurt others so terribly in the past will consistently try to come back, and see if everything is ok, masking it as true concern for the "hurt" individual... But in all honesty, they are just trying to make themselves feel better and let go of their own guilt...

I hope that makes sense, because this exact scenario played out again and again and yesterday, I fought the battle and came out of it feeling exhausted, relieved, and finished. I said what needed to be said with grace, in good taste, and 100% honesty and sincerity.

Timeline:

Sept. 07 - the IM comes thru "I'm getting married"... I was shattered b/c I had no idea he had a she, and I was apparently "the other"... I told him congrats, and good luck, and crawled in to a proverbial black hole, knowing I was done, left with a shell, and a void of emotions, wondering how I was going to simply trust, much less love someone else someday, and seeing that "clock" in front of me... He said he would leave me alone, and I prayed it was true.

He is now listed as "you're worth more than that" in my phone. I don't ever want to mistakenly answer that call again.

Dec. 08 he gets married.

Sept. 07 - Sept. 09 - He continues to call and text. I hold my ground. I don't respond, answer, or encourage contact at all. I feel sorry for his wife.

Sept. 09 - I get a text that says "are you still not talking to me?"

I respond the next day after getting angry - very angry and frustrated, and realizing that ignoring hasn't worked or sunk in, I say "what do you want? I've got nothing to say to you"

He said "sorry to bother you, I'll leave you alone and delete your number"...

I had high hopes that it was true, but I didn't fully believe it...

Good thing, too, because I got a call yesterday from an unknown number, and thinking it was possibly a job offer or something close to it, I answered, only to say "hello" 3 times and finally got the "sorry, I think I have the wrong number"...

As soon as the call ended, my heart sank, and I just knew it was him. 8 words, and it was still there... the disgust I felt realizing that he wasn't giving up.

He texted and said "christy?" and I said "yep, who's this" to get some confirmation, and then I got the confirmation of my suspicions...

In the hour+ that this text thing went on, he asked me out for drinks, I declined, I encouraged him to move from what was in the past to what is in front of him, considering he has a wife and a baby that's in the NICU...

yeah, not a typo... he has a baby.... in the NICU... and a daughter at that.

3 times I thought the convo was done, and I was fine... I wasn't trying to keep it going. He always came back, asking if I was married, still living in Austin, if I was happy, etc. and that we should meet up to talk and have lunch or drinks (yes, second invitation)... I told him that I respected myself and his family too much to do that and that we are not in a fixable place. That we will never be. That I have no desire to even entertain the thought...

I may end up changing my number (which I don't want to do, b/c I really like the YAYA in mine, but really, who uses numbers to spell on the phone anymore?)... but if it will guarantee a life free from him, free from wondering when the next text or call will come in, then I think it will be worth it...

I've had some butterflies lately, and they are so nice to have. I have recognized the strongholds that I lived in for so long were leaving me empty and I'm learning to think different and to realize that things don't have to be the way I had learned them to be, but that there is someone who thinks I'm beautiful, and I've had a bigger smile on my face that is so deserved and feels really nice there... But you don't get to know him yet... for now, I smile.

I feel like I finally won.

Serve

2010-08-29T14:39:00.003-05:00

I spent last week babysitting and interviewing (YES! one of THOSE things!), and saw quite a bit of music... A week ago Saturday, I saw Dierks Bentley (hubba hubba!!!) and yes, I took that picture, and yes, I do believe he was looking right at me... sigh... A BIG thanks to my friend, Angie, for the tickets!

Monday was dinner with my friend, David, as he left Wednesday to go back to school to get a degree in Music Education at Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches - Good Luck, David!

Tuesday Holly and I hit up Steaknite Austin at Lustre Pearl for some music by Brandon Jenkins ... I love the atmosphere there, and the crowd was so nice! It wasn't over run with the college crowd, and people talking over the music! A true listening yard for sure!

Wednesday was the Band of Hotties, errr, Heathens at Hill's Cafe' for the KVET Free Texas Music Series, and every time I see these guys I wonder why I don't see them more than I do... Their swampy funky sexy southern music always makes me want to dance, listen, sing, and do a LOT of people watching! The Saxon lady showed up and was so close to taking out my nose with her head flip / hair toss... bless her heart... but even more, bless them for playing Cornbread... le sigh...

Then that night I came home and saw my friend was online who is currently stationed in Cuba... by the time we actually got to talk, it was midnight... now I am not necessarily a "phone" person, meaning I will talk on the phone, but it's usually as I'm driving and to communicate "business", not just to talk, so when the 3 hour mark hit on Skype, I laughed (realizing that the Nyquil was going to lose the sleep battle, and I was going to keep talking), and then at 6 am, it was time to go to sleep... :P

Thursday was my day of "rest", and after the marathon Skype chat, it was much needed, lol... the only thing on my plate that day was to have dinner and a pedi with Miss Holly... early bed time that night, for sure!

Friday night I had dinner with some fine folks from church for our Advance Leadership prep for Saturday... it was awesome to meet new people, have some great food, outstanding music, and got my mind prepared for Saturday.

I woke up at 6:30 on Saturday and proceeded to sneeze no less than 20-25 times! It was like I had been invaded by an awful allergy that I couldn't sneeze loose! I was out the door and on the way to Gateway via Starbucks (Peppermint Mocha) by 7:30, and made it the church on time, if a bit early.. (GASP! and the world didn't come to an end!!!)

I had a profound day yesterday, mind full of desire to do more and reach out to those that often get forgotten, and find new ways to show love... I also learned that I have to put myself aside and stop giving myself all the "I don't ever want to date someone who... " and "I don't want to work in THAT industry..." and "I'd be foolish to do..." because just as I say those things, those are the things I find myself being led to do...

and that's all I'm saying about all that for now ;)

Wish me luck that I hear back about the job and it's favorable! I am taking some bold steps to lean solely on faith and becoming much more determined and intentional. There is no more slacking! I'm ready to get my life back. I want to be moving forward, no longer standing still.

Countdown On!

pfffft...

2010-08-16T16:45:00.002-05:00

I've just been in an irritated funk lately... I'm annoyed that I don't have a real job... I feel like I'm a 34 yr old loser who keeps trying to prove herself and continues to fail...

It's really hard right now, to realize the past 18 months have been so full of so many failures... Yeah, I love kids, and they love me... but when they aren't your own ....

I'm tired of crying... and I cry so much lately, but I hide it... no one really knows... a good razor and a bright shade of lipstick will hide a lot...

My neck and back are so tense right now and I wake up in the middle of the night with awful and painful stomach cramps... I know they are all stress related... I just feel like I've reached my limit, but I know the test isn't over yet...

Yesterday, one of my most favorite people at church stopped me and just asked me what was at the core... what the specifics were... I was a bit surprised, but so glad... I really didn't think anyone was paying attention...

He said he asked because he wanted to have specifics to pray for me over...

I'm so glad I didn't lose it right then and there... because quite honestly, I'm just worn out... I'm frustrated, irritated, annoyed and just want someone to offer me an interview... just one interview... I want to be at the front of the line...

anyone know how hard it is to look fabulous when you're just in the middle of the pack? and I hate being in the front of the line... but to live, I have to be... so when? isn't 18 months long enough?

Knowing that God hasn't given up and WON'T doesn't make me wonder if He hasn't...

I am eligible for an extension on Unemployment, but will be forced to fax in my job search each time, not to mention that I have $160 deducted because of me working one election that didn't get reported correctly by me and apparently I was "hired" by Travis County... I won't be doing THAT again... It's like no one wants you to get ahead...

I feel like I have become the proverbial punching back for this so-called economy...

I"m almost afraid to ask "what's next?" just in case the next thing takes out my knees...

Me, Versatile? Why yes I am, Thankyouverymuch!

2010-07-28T09:43:00.003-05:00

My friend, Melissa, over at Melissa's Dishes tagged me and a few of my peeps to for this award, and since I've been awful at blogging AND running, I'm getting atleast one of these back up and going... the running thing, I'm scheduling and still plan on doing the Komen 5K November 7th! Thanks, Mel, for the tag! I always have fun reading these and like participating, too :)

The Guidelines for Accepting this Award are… 

Thank the person who gave you the award. 
Tell 7 things about yourself. 
Pass the award on to 10 bloggers who you have recently discovered, and think are fantastic!

Even if it’s not passed along to you, consider yourself a Versatile Blogger and tell me at least 2 random things you’ve not yet shared.

I would classify myself as one who enjoys "structured freedom"... I'm an oxymoron
I just discovered Skype and am learning where the camera needs to be to look better than on my lap... no one wants to see my dbl chin ;)
I have 75 lbs to lose.
I just discovered a new Scrapbook store and I'm taking a few classes from them. SUPER cute! and FUN!!!
I want to live in Denver, but don't want the snow. I would move tomorrow if I could.
I experienced a true God thing when I went to the beach... I had no idea why I was there or how I ended up there, but I had 100% assurance by the time I left and got home... It was the first time I really followed what HE had put in front of me.
I have been in sales for most of my "jobs", and I have discovered I really do hate it b/c I feel like it's trying to blow smoke, and I'm over the smoke blowing... I'm 34 and have no idea what I want to do with my life other than be a wife and a mom someday...

If you would like to participate, please do... I think Mel tagged most of the ppl that I would have, and I have to go snuggle with a sweet 7 mo. old named Freddie :)

Annnndddd ... I'm still here...

2010-07-17T22:17:00.002-05:00

Sorta...

(and I keep getting deleted, just like the damn job application to a school district did yesterday... f.m.l.)

let's try this part again...

I haven't been running, working out, haven't had any desire to, any discipline to, any umph for much of anything lately... kinda like a kid behind on their homework, not scared of failing, just irritated at all I have to do to get caught up... I won't fail... I'm determined to pass the test come Nov. 7th... I just won't be on the same team I thought I would be... if anything I'll be alone, but I'm good with that, too...

Lots of changes for me and other things happening lately...

The chocolate job is pretty much dissolving... I haven't been told that, exactly, but the salary that had been mentioned and discussed isn't happening, and I have a feeling that they've known for a while, and didn't say anything to me until this past Monday... with the unemployment running out and a BIG chance that I'm out of extensions (thanks to Congress for not passing THAT bill... ugh), I'm in a bit of a panic to get myself a full time job with stable income... My desire to work for "free" is done, and I'm just disappointed in the people I believed in for so long, to see my hard work, effort, and minor success not make any difference... the only plus there is that I don't have a severe gap on my resume'...

Oh, and I have to re-write that, too... which is a pain, b/c of my experience, I really do need 2 of them with measured successes on both... Not being a numbers fan, this is going to feel like torture to do...

I have sent out a good number of resumes and am eager to hear back from someone soon... Dear God, let it be soon... I don't have much left... God has provided so far, and I know He still will... it's just worrisome and stressful... 17 months is a long time to not have that security...

I had an offer from a friend to go with their band to Wyoming this coming week and I was really excited to get away for a few days, but that fell thru, and then I just felt like I had the deck stacked against me...

THEN!...

I got asked to go to the beach with a group of youth from my church... another chance to get out of town! This won't cost anything, not even for me to have a sitter for Bella, because I GET TO TAKE HER WITH ME!!!!

Seriously, I get to take my dog to the beach and we can run, we can breath, we can have a GREAT little getaway with some great people, and some awesome God time...

So, I may not have run anywhere this past week, or much the week before, but this coming week...

will

run.

on.

the.

beach.

I get to stare in to the water of infinity, and sit in awe of the wonder of it all...

who says you can't start something on a Tuesday?

2010-07-06T16:27:00.002-05:00

Sundays and Mondays are over-rated, anyways ;)

I'm ready to get back to workin' on this C25K goal!

So I'm off to the gym, with a little giddy-up in my step and a silly grin on my face...

Dinner tonight with one of my favorites...

Hope you all had a fabulous 4th!

xoxo

Name things that go round and round....

2010-07-03T16:25:00.002-05:00

my head... it's spinning right now, and not in a good way....

That was a question on family feud this morning... yep... I'm spending a boring day on the couch, got caught up in a Gene Kelly flick, made some awful pancakes, and called my mom to tell her about said flick...

The funny thing was when I called her, I had no intention of mentioning anything about what's been going thru my head this past week, and none of that was bad, just more of a realization and wishing I didn't have to live that way... and realizing that I didn't, but needed to tell her.

Every week it seems, if my sister or I don't check in or update our facebook pages, then it's sheer panic and "where is she? have you talked to her? is she ok? where are you going? are you alone? who's driving?" Yes, I know a lot of that is just her being a mother, but I have also taken this mind set on to the point of paranoia, where I have grown afraid of driving by myself in the dark b/c something may happen, taking a hike by myself in a populated area b/c there might be someone there waiting for me in hiding, even the running thing, in my own neighborhood in the day time... I have realized I live in sheer fear and a lot of it has been perpetuated by the way I grew up. I can't blame it all on Houston... Yes, my family has had things happen that left us all with a heightened sense of paranoia and awareness of our surroundings, and no place is perfect, and bad people do exist, and even more so, we know that bad things happen to good people. But, dammit, why has that affected my sense to get outside of my apartment and LIVE?!?!?

I had thought thru a letter / email to send my mom just asking her to be more aware of how she puts that worry on other people, and how it's affected my life. It's like her worry is her addiction... and that sucks. Makes me even more angry at the people who affected our lives in such a way to make that each one of our realities...

So when I called her, I mentioned that I was glad I had gone to see a movie by myself last night (first time ever at 34 yrs old... ), and that it was a perfectly enjoyable time. She then brings up that it's just not safe to go alone at night and that she just worries that something bad will happen. This was a perfect opportunity for me to bring up what I had been thinking about, and so I did... she got defensive and started in with the, "ok, I get it, I don't need a lecture today, so you can stop'... the thing is, I just mentioned to her how it was affecting me and it's getting worse... and that it wasn't a good thing or a good way for me to live...

I didn't dare tell her that she was doing the same thing her mom has done for years...

Drop the worry... don't you know that God tells you not to? that's what He's there for...to carry our burdens and our fears...

My head won't quit spinning!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll kick your....

2010-06-29T10:34:00.003-05:00

Target!

I had a lot of fun this morning in my first Kickboxing class! I didn't know quite what to expect, but it was full of punching, kicking, jumping jacks, moving across the floor - A LOT - , and self defense. I also discovered that I need a lot od core training... my legs are the strongest thing, but my core has trouble supporting them, and leads to balance issues... but wall kicks are awesome, and next week we'll do abs & arms... I love my Tuesday morning work outs! But apparently it's going going thru July... what am I going to do in August??? I'm a little sad... but I do plan to be in the midst of my C25K training, as I am now, but just a bit further down that road...

One thing I can't shake is the pain in my shins... but it's not the front or the outside of my legs, it's the inside, on the bone. How long should it take for them to get adjusted to the new shoes and the work outs/run/walks? Anything I can do to help them get adjusted any faster? Honestly, it's the one thing that makes me stop running or doing things full on. I find myself walking a little more timidly, trying to alleviate the pain... It causes my calves to tense up and makes the work outs a lot harder, but I want to keep going. A lot of times, I'll direct my work outs to other things, like arms, machines, and exercise ball, so I'm still being active.

I've definitely upped my water and fluid intake, as well as making better choices in my diet. I even came home today craving my Harvest Peach yogurt... mmmmm ...

Oh, and I'm still in for the Komen in November, and am in talks with the store I work for to sponsor team shirts... I'd call our team the "Viva Divas"... The owner thinks it's great, now I just need to get management on board. The event happens in our shopping center, so it will be a great draw for the store, too! So let me know if you're interested in the team thing... Shirts will be chocolate brown, with pink & white logo, and I'm hoping for some bedazzled bling to go along with it... We'll see how all that works out! ;)

*Peace*

Week 3 - Ready Set Go ...Again...

2010-06-28T09:26:00.003-05:00

I got some new shoes, (YAY Sauconys) now I just gotta get my motivation and excitement back... It'll come. I will just keep praying for my mindset to transform to that! God will provide it, I am sure!

I did make it to the gym this morning. And it was surprisingly easier to wake up this morning instead of falling back asleep, so I am really glad that's started to change. Now I just gotta keep it up!

My workout this morning was not necessarily C25K centered, but I did it in spurts. After my shins feeling like I had bruised my bones, I was a little hesitant to go back full force. I know that was just a minor set back and nothing's broken, so it will heal and I will continue to build my strength, time and distance.

Today I did fast walking warm up 3 min- ran for 1 minute - walked for 1 (stupid treadmill kept kicking off and restarting, so I had to change machines & that was aggravating and led me to get off the treadmill and go to weights)

After the treadmill, I went to do a rotation of weights on legs, shoulders, and arms, and I hit the treadmill for one more round of speed walking and another minute run.

Total, my workout lasted 30 minutes, and it wasn't easy. I didn't love it, and I dragged my feet out the door to get there. But, my sister was so right when she told me "you'll never have a work out you regret"...

I just have to get past the fear of the unknown, the fear of getting hurt, and to be excited for the gym and go at it with a little less caution... When did I become a 'fraidy cat? I wasn't when I was a kid... now it's a reality, and that has to change...

and not just at the gym...

oh, and I've found my 5K ... now I've got to decide on doing it as a team or as an individual...

Anyone up for the Komen 5K on Nov. 7th? I'll be running for one of my favorite people, to celebrate her life and celebrate little J that blessed her so soon after! Can't wait to do this!

Lacking

2010-06-24T17:37:00.002-05:00

I haven't hit a wall or anything, and I know what I need to do, but I'm on the edge of the "I don't want to", and I know I need to... it's so easy to just get up and go, but here alone, I find it's just as easy to sit on my butt and do nothing, but watch Jillian Michaels yell at other people to get up off theirs... I just saw a lady lost 74 lbs in 8 weeks... she only thought she could lose 20... she beat her own goal by 54 lbs! that's insane!

So I need to make my schedule, which includes my food schedule... I'm really intimidated by food, and don't enjoy going to the grocery store. I somehow end up finding the sale items and deals I don't need... they never run the meal deals on fruits and veggies, or low fat protein... So I get that fat is cheaper, but it's only cheaper in the beginning... In the end it's just gonna cost me more... more clothes, more health issues, and more stress...

The other big thing on my agenda is to pick my 5K. Right now, I'm leaning toward the Jinglebell 5K at the Domain. It's the first week of December. I'd like to do one before that one, and use that as my way to finish the year before Christmas, birthday and New Years... That's way to much to celebrate and eat in a week... good grief! UGH!

I'm looking in to new shoes and am limited on my budget, so I'm hoping I find something awesome this weekend! My shins have been killing me, but feeling a little better today. I'm hoping I can make it to the gym for some quick cardio tonight after my spades game. *hope it doesn't go too late*... crossing fingers! If it does, I'm gonna be up and at 'em in the morning and get the run done early! It's always nice to know I've got the work out behind me and it's one less thing hanging over my head the rest of the day.

so here's my to-do's

1. Look at Grocery Ads, make my menu and list, focusing on protein intake for each meal and get back on the calorie counting plan.

2. Buy shoes.

3. Make detailed fitness plan & stick to it! (C25K W1 again again again)...

Do-do over...

2010-06-22T10:29:00.003-05:00

So week 1 wasn't a total loss... it was more than I thought I'd be able to do, and I'm really proud of myself for getting that far...

I ran / walked Mon & Wed, did crunches & weights at home a couple of times and then was on the go-go-go and was not very diligent about sticking to the plan... But then I realized the "plan" is never perfect, and doing this on my own is just for me. I wouldn't trade all the support and encouragement you guys give me for anything, but I'm gonna be the one running that race when the time comes, and I can't wait to see you on the other side of the finish line.

I decided to step back and not do the whole C25K in 9 weeks, but I will do it gradually and with my fitness being focus. So this week, I'm back on week 1, again, and next week, I'll most likely be doing week 1 again...I need to get to the point that I feel good about my distance, and time running... if I can run 5 mins, that's great... if I can run 3, that's great, too... and when I hit that 1 mile mark, that will be the most incredible feeling... So yeah, there's gonna be some struggles, some road bumps, some pain, but I'll take it...

This week, I've been successful so far in going to the gym, as well as my first experience in P90X with some ladies from work.

Monday Gym:

12 min. treadmill, small incline, 1 minute run (there were 2 other people in there & I was uncomfortable running in front of them, so I fast walked, got my heart rate up and maintained it)

15 min on bike - level 5 incline (had been feeling some pain in my calves, but not the muscles, more like the bones felt really tight, so I thought the bike would be a good way to work on the thighs and still get the cardio in)

I then did 12 reps of weights -4 or 5 different ways

3 min. on eliptical

*I was really glad I went, and was able to do so after my small group since we wrapped up a little early. Their prayers gave me the umpf I needed to do it!

Tuesday: P90X

I couldn't keep up with all the cardio, but I was impressed on how long I lasted, and I did make it thru the entire hour. I don't love this whole sweating thing so much b/c honestly, I've never been one to drip... so yeah, I'm trying to adjust. I'm finding that I sweat much easier since I'm doing this stuff on a more regular basis. Good? Bad? Indifferent?

I was also told by my wise sister that my sides hurting are b/c I'm dehydrated, so I'm increasing my water intake, but I really hate having to pee all the time... guess I just need to sweat more ;)

I also realize that my heart's not used to beating fast, so it's like starting an engine, or driving a new car..... I've got to ease in to it and get conditioned. I'd much rather do it like this than have Jillian screaming at me and having me throw up on national TV while I fall off the treadmill ;)

I'm not sure if I'm running tomorrow... My calves are still really sore and I have felt like I've got a marble lodged in my throat, that I'm attributing to allergies, but it's really annoying, nonetheless.

____________________________________________________________________

Wednesday... yeah, the above was written Tuesday night, and I got distracted and forgot to finish...

Oops...

So yeah, it's Wednesday and I didn't run this AM.. I got into the Team USA World Cup match, and now I'm a fan! I had no idea it was so much like Hockey! I dig Hockey, so now I kinda dig World Cup Futbol!

I am beyond sore today in my shins & my inner thighs... Rock on P90X! but that means that I'm not gonna run tonight b/c I don't think my shins can take it... So in lieu of the run/walk, I'll be doing jumping jacks & basketball shots, along with core training and some light weights. I'm sticking to the "something's better than nothing" school of thought.

I've also been gaining info on protein to good carb balance in my diet, and trying to make healthier decisions with my food. I know, I know... cookies and milk don't qualify, but I'm not going for perfect, just better ;-).

Today I actually started feeling like this was all making a difference, and it felt good. I can just imagine what the next week will feel like, and the week after that.

I'll be looking to get new running shoes this weekend, as I was told that my shoes are the reason for my shins being so sore... Not the muscles, but the bones... my bones hurt (holy wow,I feel old just typing that! OY!) I've gotten a lot of great advice from a few friends, and am always looking for tips and info that will help me in my journey, so feel free to pass along what has and hasn't worked for you.

I'm hoping to get back to the running Thurs, Fri, or Saturday. I will be committed to doing something toward my fitness, if it's still too painful to run. I am fully prepared to hit roadblocks and injuries along the way in this journey, but I know that this doesn't end... it just keeps evolving...

Ok, I'm off to change clothes and get fit!

xoxo,

Moi

W1D2

2010-06-17T11:01:00.003-05:00

Complete!

on Wednesday morning... Today I'll be working out at my gym at my apt... weight machines, core training, and a bit of cardio on the elliptical...

I woke up not remembering what day it was, or what I had to do, all around pretty lost... guess I slept REALLY well! Hoping that happens again soon! What a TREAT!

So back to the C25K review, b/c that is what it's really all about, so here are my notes ...

(I write them down as soon as I walk in the door, as not to forget them)...

WTH with the scale showing an increase? like a 3 lb increase? REALLY? How does that happen? I don't understand that at ALL... But, I guess it's not gonna lie, so it's my reality, and honestly, I don't want this whole thing to be about weight, but I do want to see it disappear... guess I should just do the scale weekly and not daily... it's like cleaning out my ears... I do that WAY too much, so I need to put the q-tips with the scale and get them both out of automatic reach... ok ok... on to the fitness review...

Tuesday I was supposed to get up and go to a free class at a church, which is taught by a friend, and it's all women. I was really excited to go, but woke up feeling wretched, so I missed it... I did, however, manage to get in 50 exercise ball crunches, and did a variety of arm weight exercises, increased my HR, lasting about 20 min. total, so I got SOMETHING done, which is more than I was doing, so day 2 of total fitness complete...

Wednesday, the alarm went off, I woke up slowly, and was out the door for C25K by 9:45 and did a full 25 minutes... You say yay, but I have to be honest... I only got the 4 extra minutes b/c I went right instead of making a u-turn, so that I could avoid the plethora of lawn care specialists that were blocking the sidewalk on the other side of the street... so I made the block instead of staying on my street... The choice to actually run was much easier and didn't take a full 8 minutes to decide to get running... it was a set 5 minutes and I was running! My legs definitely felt more unstable this time, as they were a bit sore from running on Monday. I could feel side cramps coming in but this time it was on the left side, instead of the right. I have a feeling these will work themselves out the more adjusted my body gets to being active again. I got in my full 3 minutes of running, as I did on Monday, and then siked myself up for a 4th, which was a good little sprint in to my parking lot... I came back breathing hard, sweating, and feeling good about my little jaunt. I realized my neighborhood's not hard to run in and it's not all flat, either ;) I'm kind of looking forward to exploring and mapping out my routes, adding distance, and time, and adding more to my running time, too.

I have realized I do enjoy waking up earlier, moving more, and thinking ahead to plan my activities, more than sitting on the couch and finding the next show, meal, or nap... The encouragement I've received here, on twitter, and facebook, have all been soooo incredible and I know God has blessed me by surrounding me with the best love! You all are so much a part of this and I couldn't stay as excited as I am w/o your continuous encouragement! So keep asking me how I'm doing, push me to get out the door, and help me with suggestions for things that have worked for you, or you'd like to pass on... I'm all about tid-bits and "try this"...

Here's a tid-bit I got from my friend, Cori. She has used it with her running group in DFW, and thought it would help me. It's pretty cool... so here's the path I traveled yesterday... Tomorrow, it might be different... we'll see ;)

W1D2

Oh, and I kept telling myself that my iced coffee would be my reward when I got back home... but I decided on a cold glass of milk, instead... I have a feeling those calorie counting ways are coming back... as soon as I get my butt to the store... (I hate planning my menu... it's so 'structured', and I'm just not...)

Better choices, better life, more success... right? Right!

And I was Running!

2010-06-14T16:50:00.003-05:00

I might not run as fast as Forest Gump, nor could I out run a pack of bullies, but by George, I did run and I didn't die! Accomplishment? CHECK!

So today was Week 1, Day 1 (W1D1) for my Couch to 5 K program (know from here out as C25K)... here are my notes I wrote down as soon as I got inside...

Dripping with sweat, this is what I could remember...

I intended to run at 7:30 this morning, as 7:30 feels a heck of a lot better than 11:15, BUT, my alarm had other plans, as in decided not to sound... I blame the blackberry, but the extra sleep was nice and I knew I had to stick to my plan! I had already made it Facebook official, so it had to be done! Right? Right!

So after I got all my gear on (I had everything laid out the night before so I wouldn't have to search for it in my "I'm not awake yet" mode), I wanted to have breakfast, and then thought that I'd puke if I did that, so I sent some emails, had to watch the beginning of the mid-day news (junkie, indeed), thought about doing an inside workout on glutes and hamstrings (b/c an inside workout is better than no workout at all, right? right!), and then decided I didn't want to do that, so I decided to atleast get out and walk... I had my clock, timer, counter thing, a bottle of water, did some stretches, and set of down the street, thinking, "oh, it's not so hot with the breeze blowing... this street's not gonna be long enough, & I don't know where to go next... Dear God, give me the desire to run, b/c I can only imagine that I look like an idiot when I do, etc..." I was pretty full of fear, self doubt, "I'm not a runner", "what the hell am I doing", "Is this sports bra strong enough?" "Are people thinking 'honey, you just shouldn't run... have you seen yourself?'" all this negative stuff... My heart was beating a little fast I was still walking, briskly, but walking... didn't know if it was b/c of the walking or the panic/anxiety that was making my heart beat a little more... did about 8 mins of "warm up-walking" before I decided to go for it and see how I did, and to see if I could even run for 1 minute... and I DID! I ran for a whole 60 seconds, or close to it! Thank GOD no one drove by!!! *FEAR* Then I walked for another 2 minutes, and then I ran for another 60 seconds... then I thought for sure I was done running... from not running at all for years (and I'm talking YEARS, people!), to 2 minutes out of 5, starting to feel a tinge of side pain, and having to concentrate on catching my breath, I was set to walk back home... but a few 3 minutes later, I thought I could do one more minute , and I DID! I did 60 more seconds, and I knew that was all I was gonna do this day, but my heart rate was up, I was sweating it out, and I felt ok... I just proved to myself that I could run... Some might call it a jog, but I was going faster than a walk, so for me, it was a run... 3 of them...

Door to door, it was a total of 21 minutes. Could I have walked for another 9? of course! but I chose not to. I had things to do before babysitting at 12:30, so I was ok with my 21 minutes.

Tomorrow morning I will be at a women's only work-out class that incorporates some Zubma, and some P90X, for all levels, that is taught by a friend and it's FREE! I love me some free stuff! and I love that I have a friend coming with me, and a friend teaching it.

The C25K program is a 3 days a week interval training, so those days I'm not doing that, I'll be incorporating some weights and core training, at home, at my apt. gym, and in class. I am giving myself one free day a week, and that will be for food, (free to eat whatever), and no work out, unless I just feel like doing something light for 30 mins or so...

My ultimate goal in all this is to do my first 5K in Oct. / Nov. here in Austin. Hopefully the weather will be cooling off by then, and I don't have to do it tomorrow, so I have time to acclimate to the feeling of running and the feeling of excitement, vs. trepidation when I think of "running"...

I am not 'focused' on weight loss, but I do hope that I see a difference in that, too, as a benefit, and not as the reason. My reason is so I can have a healthy heart, be a healthy mom & wife, (when/if that time comes), and generally just feel better and have more energy. I want to be able to do things and contribute, not be the one holding myself or someone else back.

Daily Statistics:

Starting Weight: 210

Temp: 93 degrees

Time: 21 mins

Distance 1.1 miles

Runs: 3 @ 60 seconds each

oh, and I'm already sore... but that's gonna get better, too...

Today, I am proud. Proud of myself.

That doesn't happen very often. Not at all.

To Gluten or Not to Gluten?

2010-03-29T22:51:00.003-05:00

So many friends and colleagues are finding themselves to be allergic to Gluten, therefore changing their diets (lifestyles) drastically. The odd thing is that 2 years ago I had never even heard the word "gluten"...

So now I'm researching and thinking there's a possibility that it might be something to consider...

The symptoms aren't "life threatening", but more "you'll feel 110 times better when you don't eat it and realize all that it's been doing to your body"...

Are you gluten free? If so, what do you like/dislike? What have you noticed in the changes in your body?

I have heard a few ppl talk about how they aren't half as tired or lethargic (I struggle with this ALL the time!!!), smoother skin, agility increased, and weight lost...

Now I can't go to a grocery store, restaurant, or peruse an ad without seeing it somewhere. This has prompted me to look in to it. Sure I want to be healthier, and eat better, move more, and not be tired all the time, but seeing things on the "Just say NO" list make me do a double take and almost shed a tear...

Maybe I started drinking more wine for a reason? hmmm...

Discuss...

Music Monday - No. 2

2010-03-01T23:13:00.002-06:00

Sorry, I had a crazy and wiped out weekend, so I missed out on my "So What Saturday" and my "Sunday Funday", so I'll try to catch up with some of that here...

Music I saw since my last music post includes a show Friday night at Midnight Rodeo with a boy from Aggieland... We saw Granger Smith. Granger's a nice guy, and out of all the "new" guys coming out of the woodworks, I do enjoy him. I think his live show is better than his latest album, but I definitely think that he will continue to develop his voice and songwriting and put out some stuff that will rival a lot of what's out there right now... Although he wasn't my first choice of shows to see on Friday night, it wasn't wasted time... and I danced... A LOT. It was good times, for sure!

I missed a show tonight that I desperately wanted to see, but just couldn't get away from some pretty important work stuff that had to be done... But for those of you who know his music, and those that don't, Patrick Davis is one of the best songwriters that I've had the pleasure to enjoy the music of for a few years. He doesn't get to Austin very much, but the whole month of March he's going to be at MoMo's at 7 pm each Monday. I encourage everyone to check his songs out. If you listen to country music on the radio at all, chances are, you've heard a song or two...

Coming up tomorrow night, I'll be taking pictures of my sweet friend, Sara Overall, and her band, Dandelion. They play each Tuesday at the One-2-One bar downtown. I love her voice... it's a little bluesy, a little old fashioned, but has a softness to it that will melt butter without the heat. I met Sara through church, and always love how she gives off so much emotion in the way she sings. One of the best things about Gateway is the music... ahhh.. .it's just real...

Thursday night I'll be seeing Tyrone Wells. I discovered his music on Pandora, oddly enough, and then he came to town when he opened for Sister Hazel. He's a doll, and I love his tunes, too! He is witty, entertaining, and I CANNOT wait to see him acoustic and up close... MoMo's is the BEST venue for that type of show!

Friday, I'll be utterly wiped out and ready for a HUGE nap, BUT...

I'll be making my way to see one of my ultimate faves, Brandon Rhyder. I was asked why I'm such a fan of his music, and I say it's because he writes about the love and heartache I've lived through, and then writes about the kind of love I hope to find...

so there ya' have it... songwriters heavy, but definitely worth it! Go see live music, support local, and keep encouraging those who write, to write the good stuff!

Friday Fill-Ins Numero Dos

2010-02-26T16:17:00.002-06:00

Here's my Friday Fill-Ins... Participate if you wish, just enjoy and have fun reading if not :)

1. A cup of tea at the end of a long night makes sleep near perfect... Chamomile, please.
2. Smelling a home cooked meal makes a place feel like home.
3. Everything has its beauty even in the tragic sense.
4. I LOVE the taste of strawberries but hate the seeds...
5. Art makes me think.
6. LOL I just noticed I forgot what it was I was going to tell you...
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to date night, tomorrow my plans include leadership celebration for church and Sunday, I want to go to church, finish my Bible Study, and have a totally clean apartment! Let's see if all of it happens...

questions? comments? sweet remarks?

oh, and *high-fives* to this lady for her idea!

Happy Friday! Hope to see some of you this weekend, if not then, then soon! xoxo

"Think About It" Thursday

2010-02-25T14:12:00.002-06:00

I think this will be kinda fun and thought provoking, so I just came up with "Think About It" Thursday... I will post ideas and ponderous thoughts, evoke some sort of emotion, good, bad, funny, not so funny, etc...

I wonder what the outcome would be if you woke up full of optimism each day... what things would you accomplish, what gets left behind when you don't... Think about it...

I wonder how much hurt and pain a heart can take before it actually bursts... I'm not talking about me, but I have so many friends hurting in so many ways right now, and I wish I could take all the pain away... when is enough enough... Think about it...

If you hit the lottery tomorrow, what would you do with your winnings? Me, I'd pay off all the debt my family has, and donate a good portion of it to the people in Haiti, tithe to my church, and if there was money left, I'd get a new car, and a home... put the rest in the money market and pray for a rebound... Think about it...

If you could have your dream job, no holds barred, no one to tell you know, but to do something you have passion for, what would it be... Think about it...

just a couple of things to ponder...

And while you do, please keep praying for my friend, Don, and I'm adding another friend to the list tonight... My friend, Brandon, lost his 22 yr old brother today to a heart attack! I can't even fathom his pain... so sudden and unexpected...

Have a blessed Friday, Friends!

xoxo

Workout Wednesday No. 1

2010-02-24T16:37:00.002-06:00

So this is supposed to be about Physical activity... either what I've done or what I have planned to do for the coming week, Wed. to Wed...

I have spent more physical time on the couch, sending emails, playing games, signing in to my Myspace account for the first time in almost a year, that I actually forgot my password and had to reset it... i forgot how fun it was to have a theme on your page... now if Facebook would allow THAT to happen, it'd be even more fun, instead of those stupid quiz apps to add... I want wallpaper, dang it! Where's the creativity, Facebook???

Sorry, I got all wrapped up in social networking... Now see, if I could put some of the energy I have in THAT towards working out, I'd be on the cover of the midgets version of sports illustrated... I could rock it for the short girls and for the guys that like 'em!

But seriously, I'm going to pray and formulate a plan that will 1. help me with my energy level, 2. excite me to keep doing it, and 3. promote consistency. I would love to get back in the mode I was in before I lost my job. I was so concerned with not letting myself get depressed that I kinda got lost with my motivation to get fit, so I'm hoping to pump myself up towards that goal again. I think my participation in Lent will be a big part of that. I am kind of excited to see what the scale shows at the end of 40 days...

So, bring on the warmer weather so I want to get outside and go for a walk more often, appreciate the things God has done, challenge myself physically, and add to my physical activity.

Goals for the week:

Wednesday: Saved by the Bell party @Alamo Drafthouse (no physical exercise)

Thursday: Get out of bed by 8:30 - go do treadmill for at least 30 mis, 50 crunches on ball; be at Viva by 11, work until 7 (happy hour at Aloft - Viva event)

Friday: Get out of bed by 8:30 - another 30 mins on treadmill, focus on machine rotation, Arms;

be at Viva by 11/11:30 and work for a few hours, and come home...

If I don't go out Friday night, I will use this time for Bible study and cleaning things up around my apartment...

I need to write action to have action, and create a plan for myself. I clearly do not do well without one...

Wish me luck!!!

(second post coming celebrating my "Beautiful blogger" award from my friend, Nic later on tonight!)

Now it's time to get ready to head to the Saved by the Bell Party!!! Love me some Zack Morris!!! I used to dream of being Kelly Kapowski! sigh...

Troubled Tuesday No. 1(a) ...

2010-02-23T23:03:00.003-06:00

Sunday night we had what we call "Church Unplugged" where we all sit on the stage around an "unplugged" group of musicians and sing in worship, occasionally stopping to take prayer requests and pray over those who have spoken up.

The first person who spoke up this week, I couldn't see his face, I only heard his voice. His name is Don. Don confessed to nearly swallowing the expulsion from a 12 gauge, only to stop in fear, and answer Christ's voice.

Don is still troubled. He is nearly broken, and after meeting him at our dinner after the service, I found him to be an endearing soul with so much to offer. In his brokenness, he is supporting others and giving them encouragement.

Don has just lost the love of his life, as she walked away b/c of frustration with the lack of money coming in, and told him basically he wasn't good enough, and she wanted more. Everyone is entitled to those feelings, and definitely best he find out before they got married. They were engaged.

Don's mother is dying from cancer and is on chemo that is eating up her insides. She is living with a man who is sick himself, and only stays b/c she needs his insurance. It's not a healthy relationship.

Don will be homeless come summer, and has decided he is going to live in his truck.

Don wants to go to seminary and immerse himself in the teachings of Christ, so that he can share the Word with others. He wants to live in service to The Lord.

I found myself in tears reading his blog, his cry for help, his cry for prayer.

Don is 24.

Don needs so much prayer, my heart aches for him.

Please please pray for Don. God has put him in my path for a reason and my heart is broken for him tonight. Pray for mercy, pray for a solution to his living situation, pray for direction, pray for mercy for his mother, and her health, pray for his fear to live without her to subside and to use his love for her as a springboard to live his life to God's accordance.

Thank you, my blog friends.

Troubled Tuesday No. 1 ...

2010-02-23T13:44:00.004-06:00

So I renamed it from Terrible Tuesday to Troubled Tuesday... Troubled is more hopeful as far as finding a solution, where at "terrible" just has such an icky connotation to it... so here's the troubles...

Apparently there was one month with an extra week thrown in, b/c my unemployment requests had been pretty right on time for rent and bills, and then it seems the last couple of months, I'm on the verge of selling my organs to make ends meet...

but dare I say "HALLELUJAH" b/c I do believe I am gonna be right back on track and everything will be hunky dory as of March 3rd! Can I get a "WootWoot"...

Other than that, I had my grandmother inform me, in her "I think I'm having a stroke" episode over the weekend, that she worries about me b/c other people in our family think I'm dumb b/c I quit college. Now, a year ago, or even other times in my past, I might have been offended and upset, even taken her seriously. This time, I just laughed. There was a split moment where I wondered if it was my uncle, b/c we don't really have a relationship, and at this point we merely tolerate one another and exist w/o discussing his ability to judge, and make it pleasant for everyone else... I don't dislike him, but I don't really like him either... He is a member of my family, therefore I love him as such... but back to my grandmother's declaration... I doubt it was my uncle b/c I don't think he particularly thinks about me other than holidays and the Facebook posts he may or may not see... and my sister, she may not agree with the choices I make and often times finds my road or opinions are not the same as hers, but "dumb" really isn't in her vocabulary... she's of the educated variety... and my parents? well let's just say they've had their fair share of disappointment from me, but it's not been anything we haven't moved on from and over come... their love is undoubtedly unconditional, and they don't believe in "dumb" either, unless you count the people who can't rob a liquor store w/o an ounce of wit... so I know it wasn't them either...

So out of this, I can only deduct one person that's left, and it's the finger pointer!!! am I hurt and offended that she might label me as "dumb" b/c I didn't finish college, ha... hardly... I chose not to finish. I could have salvaged my college career if I had an ounce of desire to, but but the time I choose to move on, my emotions were just about void, and I had entered in to a depression that would last more than a few years... but that's a whole other thing...

Point is, she should have probably kept that thought to herself, and 1. not said anything to me at all about it, and 2. definitely not tried to put it on someone else. But in her mind, she was doing me a favor, and I understand that. That's how she shows concern and worry. But through God's grace and love, I have moved past holding on to those things and letting them go. I will continue to pray that she will live in that freedom one day.

It's so much prettier on the other side... Especially when it snows!

Bella's First Snow... Curiouser and Curiouser

Music Monday - No. 1

2010-02-23T00:28:00.002-06:00

So music...

there's so much, but I'll tell you what I'm digging, wanting and seeing now and soon!

Since I didn't see any music this past weekend, I will tell you I didn't really miss it...

...

Now that you have all gasped and caught your collective breaths, I will say that I have been feeding my starving ears with a couple of fantastic treats...

1. John Mayer... anything and everything John Mayer has ever done and there's a copy of, I'm almost certain I have most of it... live, raw, witty, and down right sexy, I'm satisfying my obsession with what he's got going on... March 8th can't get here fast enough... I want more of him, and look forward to the little gems I haven't discovered yet!

2. Brandon Rhyder - Head Above Water

Brandon is so proud of this album and truly deserves to be. While the last album, Every Night, was polished and pretty, served up right to the ears that be, this one is back solid to who Brandon is as an artist, a songwriter, and deliverer of emotion... The fact that his band is the one on the album is an added bonus, and the guys sound fantastic. Walt Wilkins brought out the fine china when he produced and mastered this album. There is an indescribable finesse with this album and it's a definite highlight in my itunes rotation.

Live music that is in my immediate future:

There's nothing definite, but I have an opportunity to see Sean McConnell this Friday at Antone's with Cory Morrow. I'm not a huge Cory fan, but I still enjoy listening to his older stuff. I just don't get him as a person and it's somehow hindered my appreciation for his live show... But I'll do my best to keep supporting him as a songwriter. Sean McConnell, however, is one of the best things that came from my 2009. Through co-writes with Texas Music Princes and and sharing his songs with others, I learned of his talent with a pen, then discovered his giant voice. Never in a million years would I ever know THAT voice would come from THAT person. It's one of the most raw and pure treasures ever to reach my ears.

The other option won't be too shabby either... There's this little hot group called the Band of Heathens playing at the legendary Cheatham St. Warehouse in San Marcos, so I might head Southbound 35 and get some soul music and some eye candy...

There might be one conflict that could throw off both of those, however, I'm not putting the cart before the horse... I'll be patient and see what happens!

Happy Listening!!!

Cam

Sunday Funday

2010-02-21T16:13:00.003-06:00

I know I set this up to write about fun things I've done this past week, and I'm sitting here trying to think of them... that's pretty funny/sad/depressing to know I can't really think of anything "Fun"... but here's some highlights that made me smile:

Monday night - Small group... I always love spending my Monday nights with these ladies! We always have great discussion!

Thursday - was asked to represent Viva Chocolato! at a private event at the brand new and unopened Westin at the Domain. I made a lot of great and wonderful contacts that I pray will bring in new and consistent business... I'm really praying about this job thing...

I have watched a ton of the Olympics coverage. Lindsay Vonn, I just love her attitude, grace, and tenacity. Apolo Ohno, I just love his lips... well, plus he looks great in his uniform... But his attitude, as well, is professional and graceful. The majority of the athletes representing the USA have been pretty fantastic, minus that one guy getting caught making a mockery of his bronze medal. Oh, and Lysacek, LOVE him! Who know someone who's 6'2" could move across the ice like a dainty and graceful ballerina? Oh, and his Vera Wang costumes? +1

I have spent more time on the phone this week, overcoming obstacles, turning away the bad things, welcoming the good and new, getting caught up with friends, and enjoying my time at home. Some people might not get that I LIKE being home so much, but it doesn't mean that I enjoy being forgotten about, either. But being broke has it perks, some times...

Did I mention I was participating in Lent for the first time EVER? I grew up in a church that did not practice this, but this year I actually get why it should be an important thing for Christians to celebrate each year, so I plan to start making this a part of my walk. There are a multitude of things I could give up, but I chose 2 that will challenge me, yet encourage me as I do this in Christ's name. I'm giving up fried food and soda. Soda's not a huge part of my regular life, but it's easy to order a sprite or dr. pepper when going thru the drive thru. BUT I'm not spending time or money at the drive thru, because I cannot resist the french fries!!! They are my down fall, my go-to-food, and my weakness... The other side of that is that I have put the scale away until the end, so I can see what it has done for me weight wise, in 46-47 days... The last fried thing I had was a What -a-Chicken and french fries with a dr. pepper from Whataburger last Monday... so I'm almost a week in, and I feel fine. I have plenty to eat and I'm looking at more ideas to add to the menu... it doesn't have to be totally healthy, b/c the Lord knows I love me some ice cream, but just not fried and no sodas...

Eventually, I'm praying that this will lead up to me participating in my first self imposed Fast... Not sure when that will be, but I know the right time will come along for that.

I've got lots to share tomorrow for 'Music Monday', so make sure to tune in!

what's worse?

2010-02-20T16:45:00.003-06:00

realizing you were never thought of, or realizing you were an afterthought?

I'm debating, but all I know is that neither one feels very good, and just reaffirms things that should be...

defense could be an assumption, but assumptions don't feel good, either...

kinda sucks no matter which way you look at it...

Blog Schedule?

2010-02-20T14:24:00.002-06:00

So I think I have a few ideas to keep me on track with my blog...

Sunday Funday - I'll talk about fun things I've done during the week, or fun things I want to do... a wish list of sorts...

Music Monday - Here I'll discuss upcoming releases, shows I've seen, or new discoveries... this one will be so FUN!!!

Terrible Tuesday - This is my day to vent if I need to, or to discuss something terrible that has happened to the world, ie Haiti Earthquake, Plane crash in Austin, etc....

Workout Wednesday - This is where I will document my physical activity for the week, so I can keep a record of what I'm doing, what I like, what I don't, what I need to change, and get some great feedback from you guys! Plus it helps me create a level of accountability that I so desperately need.

Thursday... what do to do with Thursday... ideally the first thing that comes to mind is "thirsty" but I think that's overdone... I want it to be something strong, something courageous, something meaningful... ideas? Maybe Theology Thursday, a brief discussion on the things I'm learning in my spiritual walk...

Fill-In Friday - I started this one yesterday, and had fun with it, so I will continue to participate :)

Saturday... ah Saturday... this will be called "So What Saturday"... it what I want, when I want, and kind of my free day... anything goes on Saturday... that's what the weekend's for, right? I might throw in a recipe, a sale item, a crafty sassy somethin' or other, who knows... but I'm committing myself to do this and have fun with it!

Hope you all enjoy reading and commenting... I love comments, so leave 'em if you stop by... lemme know what's up :)

Peace "V"

Christy

Friday Fill-Ins Numero Uno

2010-02-19T17:24:00.005-06:00

I got this idea from my friend, Nicole, and she got it from here... it seemed like fun, and the answers were something I could relate to this week, so happy reading (and it's getting me close to my daily theme for my blog... if I can get back to it!!) The given is in bold, and my answers are in italics.

And...here we go!

1. Johnny Weir was completely confident during his performance last night... more so than Evan Lysacek, but I'm glad Evan won.
2. I have DVR'd all of the 2010 Olympics and seen most of them... I'm loving the pomp and circumstance... even cancelled my regular recordings... I'll catch up with them online :)
3. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud would not prove beneficial to what God has planned for me, so I'm starting to unravel wee bit by wee bit. (and i know this is an Anais Nin quote, but I wanted it to represent my life this week.)
4. Smile at someone and send a random letter or card if you get an urge... you might get a smile back, and smiles are free :)
5. Having sweet dreams leads to a sweet life, and sweet opportunities. Without dreams we have nothing.
6. What does it take for me to believe in myself and give myself the chance that someone else wants to send my way?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending time in God's word & my Beth Moore Study, "Breaking Free", tomorrow my plans include saying howdy to a new friend and Sunday, I want to praise God all day with fun church activities and carry my smile from Saturday!

Mind Dump - On

2010-02-16T14:43:00.002-06:00

This past weekend was exhausting! I definitely can't hang like I used to, and I honestly don't think I'd want to! Guess it's a sign of true age coming to take me to the next part of being a grown up... Not great, not bad, just kinda wish I had more time... but I also get to be one step closer to what's next, so I'll take it...

I went out to see a show Friday night and it was packed! Over 1400, I think was what the final count was, and that's the biggest crowd ever at this particular venue for this artist. I remember when there were less than 20, so to see the growth and the energy with the crowd was pretty cool... but I definitely am over the college crowd!

I recorded the Olympics opening ceremonies and caught up on those on Saturday, after I went up to the Domain for the Heart for Haiti Event at Viva Chocolato. We raised some cash for donation, and I hope we get to have a more sizable one before it's all over with. Valentine's Day stressed me out! Not because of what it stands for, or my lack of celebrating it, but just the stress at the store. There was a lot of talk, less action, and too many chiefs and not enough indians... I don't think the vision of the event ever lined up with everyone, and there was an underlying feeling of bitterness, and I had a big case of the "I don't give a damn"s... I just wanted people to show up, to participate and to have a great turn out. But if the store doesn't buy in to what's happening, and they don't sell raffle tickets before the event, we can't really have a successful raffle... but yet, because I suggested it, the small success of it is my fault. At this point, I really don't care...

I think I'm just more frustrated than not with how all of that is going. The process isn't one that can be trusted and if they don't follow it the way they're supposed to, I don't get paid. I have officially been on unemployment for over a year, and it's pretty depressing. I can't complain about the sleeping in, or the dress code for staying home so much, but the measurement of self value and importance is pretty low. My self esteem is ok, and I'm not sad about getting to see a lot of the Olympics this year, but I need more... I need motivation, and excitement and know I am contributing to something bigger and better. I think there has to be more... more of what and where? I have no idea... but I need more...

I am also in the middle of my first Beth Moore Bible study called 'Breaking Free' and I just love it. I love the challenges she puts before me, and the thoughts I find myself having, and seeing how AWESOME God is working in my life and the lives of the other ladies doing the study with me. We have a great group of women, and I'm beyond blessed to be connected to each of them through Christ. Now if I can just get to the point that I'm seeking that and spending time in the study each day, I'll be golden! I'm setting that goal this week!

Back to the Olympics for a sec... Vancouver is beautiful! The death of the Georgian louger was heartbreaking, and I ADORE Apolo Ohno... he's my favorite! Oh, and the commentators? I could totally do without the football guys trying to make sense outside of their usual box... Al Michaels? Chris Collingsworth? #OlympicFail... but Johnny Moseley? Hubba Hubba YES!

Go TEAM USA!!!

I'm ready for some solid spring weather and a solid job with benefits... I just wanna pay my bills and get off of the unemployment...

*Mind Dump - Off*

Dear People Complaining About John Mayer...

2010-02-11T18:01:00.002-06:00

please don't...

I think Perez has nothing else to do, nor does he want to let people know he's more concerned about being self righteous, and pointing his proverbial finger at other people...

One of my faves, Jack Ingram, commented about this whole thing on his blog, and I commented the following there...

Jack, I dig John and I'll see him at the Erwin Ctr. next month... My thoughts are 1. the interview was in Playboy, which goes for the shock interviews, usually, always pushing the envelope, and like you said, I'm sure they have no problem with what was said, simply from a sales perspective, it's a pretty smart thing to publish... inappropriate? sure, but what about Playboy isn't? and 2. Does what he said take away from his talent, or the fact that he will continue to drive women crazy with his words? Nope... I mean look at what Michael Jackson was accused of for YEARS, yet he passes away and is reveled as a Pop Hero...

I'm still happy to be a John Mayer fan, even if he did have an episode of verbal diarrhea...
KOKO,
Christy

Ok, so he said Jessica Simpson was a tiger in the sheets... Glad to know she can knock his socks off... Actually I might be a little envious that she had the chance... but then again, if it were me a guy was talking about so publicly, I might be more than offended and feel like that experience was cheapened, and I just might call him and tell him he's a douche... but still be like, "he told everyone that reads playboy that I'm a killer in bed... RAWR"...

But I still stand by the fact that John Mayer is an incredible guitarist, lyricist, and one of the best acts I've ever seen on the stage at ACL, and I honestly cannot wait until I get to see him on March 8th.

If you read his lyrics, and not know who wrote them, they'd make you feel something... perhaps romantic, perhaps reflective, perhaps blissful, perhaps they make you feel like everything's going to be ok... no matter how you feel, you feel something, and there's not a lot of people who can do that... if we all could, we'd all be named John Mayer... maybe that's why Perez is so bitter?

So Cheers, John Mayer, and keep doing what you do on that guitar, preferably without your shirt on... I think it's sexy and I have no doubt I'll leave that show talking about it and dreaming about it/him until I see him again... To even think there's a guy who could be so full of passion, even as mis-directed as it seems, that guy has true emotion...

I wanna date someone like that... but with a little more of a "filter"...

Rock it, John Mayer!

New Life!

2010-01-29T10:46:00.003-06:00

Today the family I have been blessed to babysit for this past year is welcoming a new sweet cuddly, and precious baby to the family. I can't wait to see what he looks like and to hear him coo so sweet, and that sqeaky newborn cry....

If he looks anything like the first one, they'll have to start a modeling agency... seriously...

Just look at the first one!

This is my Hud-muffin back in July... sigh... PRESH!

So say your prayers for the Andrews family today as they welcome sweet Freddie to the world! I hope to post pics after I see them this weekend!

How?

2010-01-24T20:45:00.003-06:00

do you take the next step when you can't see the edge?

so many question marks right now and a spinning head... just wish I could be "normal" according to every one else, and soon...

I keep thinking I am overcoming the things that have held me back, and then one more thing comes up and cripples me with fear...

I can't even begin to give you a reason, and Lord knows I can't give myself one either...

I'm not sad, I'm just aggravated that this is so annoying and irritating!

Quality...

2010-01-14T13:24:00.002-06:00

So I have been soooo good this week! My attitude has changed, I'm right on top of my Bible study, I'm checking things off my list, I'm praying all the time, and have even been able to help friends out a few times, and the week's not over yet!

I'm not bragging. At. All. I'm just pleased with myself, b/c I know the way my attitude was even just last week, I thought it was going to be months before I felt "normal" again... so sue me... I'm actually happy...

I thought I'd be able to cook more, but I went to cook and was missing the pan... damn the pan! So now I have to go buy a new cake dish.. you know, the big standard 9x13... thinking of getting glass so it won't rust... I hate the ones that rust!

The past few years I have had a "focus" for my year, and I was a little disappointed this year, new decade and all, and I had nothing, I was "blank"... But over the past few weeks of going through my things, getting a pile or few ready to discard, checking things off my list, I have realized that my focus this year is going to be "Quality"...

Quality people.

Quality time with God.

Quality music.

Quality food.

Quality dates. (and I will have dates, dang it!)

Quality television. (yes, I'll still watch Jersey Shore, but those are quality accents, yo')...

I want a quality way of life... I don't just want to live, I want a good life. I want the life God has intended for me...

Quality...

Twenty Ten

2010-01-09T19:01:00.002-06:00

I spent the last few months of 2009 feeling completely unsettled, weird, out of place, out of sync, and just all around funky... I cried, had no emotion, and if I did, I was crying, and couldn't make a decision to save my life... I went to friends birthdays, helped them celebrate, but ultimately ended up at home b/c I was the Debbie Downer... I faked my smiles more than not, and couldn't see the joy in much...

Then this past week, slowly, with the cold air, each day got a little less cloudy... and my reflection on what I want out of this year has formed, so I'm gonna try to relay it to you... it makes sense in my head, so I guess that's all that matters... but here it is...

I have been a people pleaser my whole life. In some way I know I always will be. However, my awareness that pleasing other people doesn't get me any closer to God, I'm going to do my best to follow the path that pleases God, and thus will ensure my happiness. He only wants the best for me, and I have to let him do that. That's in trust. I'm going to trust God...

Other things I want to focus on this year are:

1. More time in the Word.

*solid and regular Bible studies with my small group, and really putting the time and effort in to all of it... not just half way...

*Don't just speak to God, but listen to Him, as well.

*Enjoy the silence...

2. Be more creative.

*Card making, Stamp camps, Scrapbooking, Photography, Writing (see previous post), flute

3. Be healthy.

*Eat better

*Be fit

*Finally quit smoking - I've cut back and don't do it much outside of drinking (being in an environment where others are doing it is HARD!)

*Drink less... this means I'll not be at as many shows, or surrounding myself with opportunities to do it... and if I do, minimize how much... there's no need to be excessive... I want to remember my moments, not drink to get through them...

Other little things I want to enjoy this year are:

1. Expanding my recipe repertoire, and try to cook at least one or two new meals a month (seeing as how I'll have leftovers for like a week with each one...) (I got the new Pioneer Woman cookbook, so I have to find a way to make them "healthy"... yikes, but YUM! and I also got the "Music in the Kitchen" cookbook by Glenda Facemire. It's recipes from musicians who have place Austin City Limits over the past 20 years. Glenda is the make-up artist for the show... DEFINITELY a cool book, even if you don't cook)

2. Read at least 2 books a month - 1 pleasure/easy reading and 1 self improvement / leadership book.

3. See more people... know more people... love more people...

4. Experience things outside of my comfort zone... make my heart beat a little faster...

I'm gonna live life that makes me happy,my way, with God's help... If that's not good enough for you, then it doesn't have to be... I'm not selfish, nor am I trying to be that way, but pleasing others hasn't gotten me anywhere other than not feeling good enough, and God tells me I am plenty...

So if my life doesn't make sense to you, maybe it's not supposed to. Just know that it's enough for me :)

Happy Twenty Ten, Friends!

Lemme See Your...

2010-01-08T15:03:00.002-06:00

whoa.. don't go gettin' all dirty minded and stuff...

But a few weeks ago I had a guy at church ask me about a calendar for our Singles program, which I tried to get going last year. I tell him I've kinda let it go... well here's the rest of the convo:

Him: Well is it something you are passionate about?

Me: No, not really... I mean I want a program to exist, but I was hoping someone would be excited to take it over and I could help facilitate events...

Him: Well what are you passionate about?

*sidenote... this guy's a VERY accomplished musician with a Pop/Christian band creation and top 40 success under his belt, with awards and framed gold records hanging on his walls... and I only know this b/c I babysit for him and his wife...

back to the conversation:

Me: well, I love music... (for those that don't get that whole music thing, the LAST person you want to tell that your passionate about music is a musician... b/c then you just sound like an idiot who doesn't know the first thing about anything and you go dumb... )

Him: well do you want to sing, play an instrument, write? What do you do for real joy?

by this time I know where this is going and it's definitely a "God-led" conversation, and I start getting nervous, not scared but more like, ok God, where are you taking this one????

Back to convo:

Me: no, not sing.. I mean I can, and love to, but the stage is not for me... no way can I sing like those other girls... whoa! And instrument, I was a music major in college, played the flute and piccolo, but haven't touched that in years... and I miss it, but I don't think that's the "it" either...

What I love most are the words... I like the way they make me feel, how I react to them, how someone can say something that's been said a million times a different way and I get the light bulb that goes off... and then the world makes sense... I used to write poetry a long long time ago and I loved doing it... then I fell in to 'stupid', got distracted and forgot about it...

Him: well it sounds like you need to get back to writing again... expressing yourself, not letting life and other people get in the way of what you have passion for...

Me: yeah, I probably do

Him: well, I'm going to be on you to make sure you give that some focus.. I wanna see what you can write... I want samples of what makes you feel those things... (um, did I mention he was a member of and songwriter for a popular top 40 and Christian band, nevermind he's written for numerous others and been an album musician for quite a few ppl, too... )

Me: um, ok... (heart racing, get me out of this conversation NOW!!!) I gotta run, so ttyl...

That was a Sunday... on Wednesday night I get a FB message from him saying that he would like to see what lyrics I can come up with for a popular contemporary song, but using lyrics from the angle that people don't expect God to show up in places... nope, not on God's love, or questioning his existence, but forgetting that he's everywhere... H.E.A.V.Y.

He needed it by Friday afternoon... Wednesday night - Friday afternoon... um HELLO!!! haven't written in years.. how in the heck am I supposed to do THAT?

So I open the Bible and start looking for scripture, using the internet, and I have a heart that is heavy with burdens over a friendship and organization that dissolved, or rather was in question, and my mind was in a million directions...

Somehow, someway, I got it done... I have no idea if they used it in church or not, but I was pretty happy at how it turned out. It was from the perspective that we go through our daily routine and it becomes something we can do with our eyes closed and pay no mind to anything or even God... then one day we are reminded and it all starts becoming more amazing and more meaningful.

I thought I was done.. I dodged the 'bullet'...

This week he posted and said "Let me see your lyrics" .. meaning he wants to see what I have written before...

I haven't responded... I'm nervous that he'll think they are a little 'old'... so I want to write again, but i have NO clue where to start... I'm pretty sure writing about how my dog makes me laugh isn't what he's going for...

so I am starting to write here again, looking for inspiration and getting used to using this thing more often...

and I wanna meet more bloggy people...

1 hr and 55 minutes from now...

2009-12-29T22:05:00.004-06:00

will officially be my 34th birthday... woop-tee doo...

not really...

I'm sitting in bed and all I can do is think about how much I don't want it to come... I don't want to be another year older, I don't want to be reminded of it...

Goodness!!!

2009-11-09T11:29:00.002-06:00

No, not an expression, but a noun! There is SO MUCH GOOD-NESS going around, that it's exciting and has me a wee bit giddy!

Baby J should make his appearance this week, and I'm praying for mama, daddy, baby, for all to be healthy and see love in the best way! Hope I can meet the little guy at Thanksgiving!

Amberlyn is doing well! She got her chest tubes out and is in recovery from her double lung transplant (AMEN!)

God took my mom's Aunt Beth home yesterday morning, so please pray for my Grandmother, as she has the burden of seeing things through, and has worries and uncertainties in front of her. She's doing so well, so I know the prayers ahead of time were perfect!

I spent my weekend in the DFW area, spending some good quality time with my parents. It's nice to do that sometimes! Dad washed my car, put air in the tires, checked the oil, looked underneath, diagnosing where the hole is in the muffler/tail pipe (my maintenance guy at my apt and stopped and told me he was hearing it... AMEN!) As I was watching him show his love language (Acts of Service - from The Five Love Languages), I kept referring to my car as "Betsy", so "Betsy" she is... no earthly clue where this came from... but now it's me and Betsy...

The other part of my weekend was at the SoZo Global National Launch. The people I had the opportunity to meet are just incredible! One guy used to be the CEO of Comcast, and is now spearheading the Social Networking aspect of the business, another just sold his multi-million dollar marketing company to be a part of SoZo as the head of Marketing, and the president of SoZo was Earnst & Young's 2008 Entrepreneur of the Year. Clearly, I am surrounding myself with people with proven potential. I can't wait to see how well this business grows this year! Let me know if you are interested in the product... our latest report shows we have over 2o servings of fruits and veggies in one 3 oz. serving! Not to mention all the health benefits that come with it!

My other opportunity, viva chocolato, is getting up off the ground! lots of opportunities for corporate gifts, wedding favors, event catering, teacher gifts, party trays, gift baskets, etc. all of taht can be done and personalized! To see what ideas we are coming up with is so exciting and I am LOVING that creative outlet! I never would have thought I would be so blessed to have people truly value my opinion and see it bring profit! I've also learned that Viva is a storefront for Charity. After costs are covered, the store is designed to feed local charities with funding. There are over 70 local charities that benefitted from donations thru Viva Chocolato last year. How cool is THAT??? God is putting me to work for His glory! That feels AMAZING!!!

Viva is about to get a whole new look on the website that will drop sometime this week, hopefully. We will be adding more options and pricing for our party favors, treats, and gifts. I'm also handling all aspects of the social networking side for Viva Chocolato. This job was made for me!

See what I mean about GOOD-NESS??? Babies, Health, Heaven, Peace, Chocolate, SoZo, Viva Chocolato, Charity, Blessings... it's all GOOD!

I got a gig...

2009-10-19T23:13:00.002-05:00

So I know you guys have heard me or seen me post about employment prospects and such, and it's way more than I can post on a status update or twitter tweet, so I'll explain it all here... hope it makes sense to you guys, b/c it works for me!

I've been volunteering this summer for a non-profit called "ParentRise", which is a resource and minstry for Single Parents. Through this incredible group of women on the Board, I was blessed to be connected to Melissa Adams and her husband, Mark. They are owners of a high end European Chocolate and Gelato shop called Viva Chocolato. During my job hunt, the board president mentions that Viva is looking for an Asst. Mgr. for the store, and that I should call. It wasn't really what I was looking for, but I figured, eh, it was something, and I loved the ppl and the product, so it could do until something more permanent came along. I have a meeting with the mgr and find out that they have already just hired someone for the Asst. Mgr. BUT... there was an email from a prayer team member detailing what she had just prayed for, as the store has been struggling a bit, and they were praying for ways to increase the revenue. This woman detailed out a position for an outside sales rep... just so happens my background is in sales...
So there's job #1... i'm working with the mgmt team to bring in business to the store via event planners, special orders, online orders, social media, and other special store events.

Knowing that the Viva thing wasn't going to be part time, Mark and Melissa have a business partner, John, who is an entrepreneur that invests in 7 different business ventures. One of his ventures will roll out Nov. 7th in Dallas and that is SoZo. I'm now his part time to full time Office and Pipeline manager. I handle all the in-house business, and he is out recruiting and meeting clients. I will also have presentations to organize and lead, as well as general customer service duties. This is hourly with insurance after 90 days plus a monthly bonus.

I'm still on unemployment until this gets up off the ground, so I am ready for it to take off!!!

I'm sure some of this stuff will change, expand, define itself, but it's my starting place and it's mine. This is what I have been praying for and I know with out any doubt at all that this is tailor made especially for me! Thank you, Jesus!

Oh, and I started a new small group tonight, so I'm excited to dive back in to exploring the religious depths again. I needed a jump start, and I believe I've got it!

*please keep amberlyn in your prayers! she was moved up to #1 on the national transplant list today, so pray her lungs come soon! she's still sedated and intubated. Most likely she will stay that way until her transplant.

*also, there's a few people I love that have lost loved ones this week, so lift them up, too!

Thanks for reading!

Sunday Meh-day

2009-10-18T15:18:00.002-05:00

Here's my data dump - free-my-mind style

1. I really pray that Amberlyn gets her new lungs soon!

2. I really pray, too, that God takes Aunt Beth sooner than later. No need to delay the inevitable... (no, not being cruel, she's almost 90, has had a severe stroke, and has an internal infection... hospice has been called in)

3. The pregnancy storyline on Glee is LAME! I am getting disappointed with the story... the music, however, still ROCKS!

4. I still love Blue October... I will see them 2 times in November... hurry up already, October! Get on outta here!

5. I will be away from home for the next 3 weekends... Houston, Houston, DFW...

~ Sister's B-day celebration, Meaux-de-gras style, WOOT!

~ High School Football game and band nerd reunion... same day as the 10 yr anniv. of my grandfather's passing...trying to make it a happy day!

~ National roll out for SoZo (the new product I'm pimping for my boss... yes... new job! double WOOT WOOT!)

6. I REALLY want the new power cord I ordered for one of my external hard drives to come in... I have a TON of tunes on there and I want to get it ALL organized... 100% (not to mention the pics...)

7. I am going to love working from home so much... tons of PERKS!

~ Bella time... more time with the pup is always awesome!

~ the dress code is AWESOME!

~ the commute is even more AWESOME!

~ I will be able to write off a portion of my rent, internet, home phone, and cell on my taxes, not to mention other outside reimbursements... (food, gas, product, etc)

8. I can't wait to get started on the Viva Chocolato job... I'll be doing outside sales, trying to set up parties, cater weddings, corporate gifts, gift baskets, etc for high end European truffles (If you are interested lemme know! or connect me to event planners! Christmas is right around the corner!)

9. I'm super content right now with how my life is shaping up.

10. I'm becoming more crafty and have picked out a design for my home made Christmas cards... I'll make a test card this week to check out the process and see what I wanna change... (found it on the Archivers website)

11. I twitter a LOT... I make no apologies for it. I have fun interacting with ppl, and most days that and facebook are the only times I get to "talk" to people outside of work... As the work increases, the usage will prob go down.

12. I'm still praying for Amberlyn. Please don't forget about her. She's 20 yrs old with Cystic Fibrosis. She needs a double lung transplant NOW!

13. I've sent emails to a few people on facebook and have gotten no response. One was to the pastor who baptized me as a child. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does.

14. The other email was to my roommate from college who basically ignored me, talked behind my back, and turned up her nose to me. I don't even like her. I just wanted to reach out to her and say hello. This shouldn't bother me either, but it does.

15. I ignored phone calls from a guy who had asked me to dinner. He seemed nice enough, but (and there's always a "but" these days) He had asked me what I was looking for (relationship, one date, one night stand, fling, etc...) and I responded "relationship" and my reasons why, one of them being I wasn't looking for any sort of physical intimacy, the next question out of his mouth had to do with favorite positions. GAH! the one after that was about my preferred night time attire, and the one after that was about sleepovers and my ideas about cuddling... but he's not looking for that... he was just curious... YEAH, um... LIAR! this is why I don't date, or have relationships... even the innocent ones are guilty. Oh, and have I mentioned that I don't really trust men? Yeah, there's that, too... but men like the one above just reinforce my walls even more... I just want a guy to want to be around me for me... not for what they think they're gonna get... (rant over, sorry... my mind was full of these thoughts!) Point being, I set the date and never cancelled. Nor did I pick up the phone and tell him no. I just hit the ignore button on my phone. Seemed to be wasting time even calling him back.

16. There are lots of babies about to be born. October, November, December, January, February, March, April... and those are the ones I know of... I can't wait to meet all of these little blessings and pray for all of them to have safe arrivals.

17. trying to plan a menu sucks, but I need one.

18. trying to plan a "schedule" sucks even worse, but I have to limit my time with Bejeweled.

19. I'm addicted to the new version of Bejeweled Blitz... I want to be number one and I hate when I move down a spot... I want the expert level!

20. Finally, if you haven't seen Modern Family this season, you are missing out! Go watch the first episode, and the most recent one... I think they are the funniest.

That's all for now... I'll try to be more introspective and thought provoking next time... This is how my mind's running around here lately... hoping that by taking the SoZo each day that my mental acuity comes in to place, as it should, so that I can stay focused and work with more determination and purpose.

Hope each of you are having a fabulous day!

(oh and if you're reading, just comment with a "Hey" so I know who you are... I'm just curious... thanks!)

XOXO

And then I was still...

2009-10-07T11:00:00.003-05:00

I have been busier than I realized, and only realized it when I sat still this week. It hit me Monday as I opened my eyes "I have nowhere to go and nothing I have to do"... there was a time that this would excite me, but right now, I WANT to be busy... I WANT to have important things to do, (in my best Bridget jones voice)... because I am a very important person! HA!

All jokes aside, I have had a beautifully awesome few weeks! I have been busy with ParentRise, as well as getting geared up, jotting down ideas and avenues for my job that I'll have part time working with Viva Chocolato, and attending meetings and learning about SoZo, which I will be working for one of the founding distributors, helping him manage his downline, events planning, office manager, etc. The biggest perk in all of this is that I get to do most of this work from home! I know Bella will be happy I don't have to leave every morning, and I will make my schedule work for me, and I'll be saving on gas money!

I also got to head up to Denver to visit my sweet friends, D'Anne, Toby, & their 3 yr old, Tater Tot...

We had the best time just being around each other, with no major plans. We did go by the Columbine Memeorial, which was just beautiful. I never did ask about Columbine, as I always thought of it as just something to remember, not glorify as a tourist destination. D asked if I wanted to see it, and I said sure, we could drive by... so we went up and saw the memorial. It's hard to explain the design but the gist of it is that it's an outer circle and an inner circle. The outer circle includes quotes from surviors, students, teachers, parents, the President (Clinton), etc. Each one of them made me breathe a little deeper and have some sense of shock and sorrow. but most of all, the love of God, and appreciation of Him showing up that day was outstanding. In case you don't remember, there were students shot and killed for admitting to the boys doing the attack that they were Christians and they loved God. Here are a few of the quotes:

"I would be misleading you if I said I understand this. I don't" (student)

"It brought the nation to its knees, but now that we've gotten back up how have things changed; what have we learned?" (unknown)

"He was a 4.0 student before he was shot and paralyzed and he remained a 4.0 student after. And (but remember) this was a kid who had to re-learn to read and write (before he could graduate)." (injured victim's family)

"I didn't have any answers." (student)

"I'm trying to raise my kids normal, even though I'm not normal anymore." (parent)

"Columbine was a momentus event in the history of the country...Even in the midst of tragedy we've seen the best, the best there is to see about our nation and about human nature." (President Bill Clinton - at groundbreaking)

"Nobody ever trained for this. We were just teachers doing what we did every day." (faculty)

"Those of us who are people of faith in this community turned to God, found he was there and found he wasn't silent." (unknown)

A kid my age isn't supposed to go to that many funerals." (student)

And that's just a sample of what was on the outer walls. The inner circle had 13 sections. One for each deceased victim to tell who they were, and what they stood for. I was beautiful and moved me to tears. When we were done reading and reflecting, we moved over to the fountain, sat on the edge and just said a quick prayer for the families and friends affected directly by this pain and that God's grace and continued love would continue to pour over them and heal their wounded spirits.

If you ever make it up to Littleton, CO, I recommend that you check out the Columbine Memorial. Not so much as a tourist destination, but as a place to reflect on the way life changed that day and to remember those that were taken as angels. They stood up for God that day, and he rewarded their souls by taking them to Heaven.

The rest of the Colorado trip was fun. We drove thru Golden and saw the Colorado School of Mines, which my dad attended, as well as drove by the Coors Brewery. It was such a cute little town! I'd love to go back and spend some time there at a B&B some day. We packed some boxes, listened to music, sat on the patio, played with some precious kiddoes, and even had a birthday party at Build-A-Bear... remind me to never think that it's a good idea for the future... too chaotic for my taste... I'm a control nut ;)

After returning home, I had 3 days of 'rest', ish... and then it was time for ACL Fest... that's a whole other blog on it's own... I'll start working and reflecting on that soon!

FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL

2009-09-02T12:51:00.003-05:00

YES PLEASE!

This time of year brings back such great memories!!! And I don't think this year will let me down!

For the first time in over a decade Baylor is getting some good press... I kinda dig it... Call me sentimental, but that used to be my team, so I feel that I need to root for them, and there's something about rooting for the underdog... ESPECIALLY when things go their way! They deserve some good stuff!

UT is slated to continue the kick-butt fanfare, and it's always fun to root for a winning team, so I definitely want to see them succeed. Plus Colt is up for the Heisman, and I think it's his year... praying the boys stay safe and play hard... but most of all, Stay Classy and Sober (why this is such a hard thing for these boys is beyond me...) Kudos up to Mac Brown... I'm a fan...

I do need, however, an NFL team to root for... right now I'm just watching it and want a good game, played honestly and clean, but gimme some excitement... The bonus here is that John Madden and his biased opinions are not screaming at me this year... I appreciate his dedication to the sport and all, but I'm just not a fan of his commentator skills...

Also, I have submitted my profile to work on the set of Friday Night Lights... I've never seen the show, until this morning, I watched the pilot and actually got a little teary eyed...the movie rocks, and so far I'm impressed... I suppose I'll have to find someone with seasons 1 and 2 so I can watch before going to watch season 3, in preparation for 4... I hope I can fill a roll of atleast an extra here and there...

And coming up at the end of October, there has been a little High School Band Geek reunion... I cannot WAIT! I haven't been to one of my high school football games since my sister was in school, and even then, I'm sure I didn't make but one or two... there are a bunch of us band nerds getting together and I'm sure it'll be a BLAST! It's also the day of my grandfather's passing (10 yrs) so it'll be great to be there and do something happy!

Seems like I've got a lot of yelling at the TV coming my way! Here's hoping the refs make all the right calls and the players stay healthy and well!

Happy football season, Folks!

New Look, New Season, New Attitude

2009-08-23T22:50:00.005-05:00

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I've been absent a bit here this year... Had to get things back on track and find my perspective again...

So here I am, ready for all the possibilities that lie ahead... and the good news is that I'm that much closer to the next blessing and good thing that will happen, and I don't doubt for a second that it will! and SOON!

I've been applying for jobs left and right, praying for the right one, and I'm even getting excited about a couple of them...

One is for a local pizza chain based in Austin as their "Administrative Super Hero" (as was the title in their Craigslist Ad, and the other is for a private university as an admin. coordinator. I would do well at either one, and only have seen the money on one, not the other, and I just have to believe that if it's the right place for me, then God will see it through!

That being said, I do have an irritant in my life... the state unemployment practices... esp. filing an extension... did you know you have to hit zero benefits before you can request the paperwork to apply for the extension? This means lapse in payment... this means no money for the non-money maker... ergo bills will not get paid if they don't get on it pronto! (slightly annoyed...grrrr)

But there are good things going on, indeed! Bonus of this time off, I've fallen in love even more with my sweet girl, Bella! She's my little cuddle muffin and she's made this so much easier to do! Lonliness is rare with her snoring and kisses always near by! Also, I've enjoyed finding some "freebie" blogs, and learned how to shop at Staples using their Easy Rebates (those things ROCK, if you don't know!), but I still can't get there soon enough to snag the label maker before they're all gone... dangit! But I've also been able to help out a friend or two by babysitting some of the cutest boys around, and I've rediscovered my love for being around children, which also makes the desire to be a mom even more evident in my own life.

I've also learned a rough lesson about God's will and Free will... knowing that I can pray to be alerted to what God sees fit to lead me to, but just because I'm focused on such does not mean that those around me will be focused on His will... If their will is not God centered, His will can be missed and ignored... thus meaning the end result will not benefit anyone. I had never ever considered that point of view before, but the more I prayed on it and thought it out, the more I realized it was true!

So in my time off, I've gone backwards on my lifestyle change, ie fitness and diet... those pesky pounds I took off have all but come back and attached themselves to me like a bad cough! So I'm gearing up to give it another go, and my hope is to be more than 20 lbs. down by Christmastime. I cannot wait to get back on a full time regular schedule! That is the biggest downfall of unemployment! Having to fill my days... I'm more than grateful for the sleep I have discovered and the love of my soft sheets, and the foot warmer that buries herself in them nightly... but as others are going back to school tomorrow, I'm a tad bit jealous of the fact that their days are planned, their minds are challenged and they will be surrounded by other intriguing people and live on a schedule!

So tonight as I lay my head down (which will be soon, as I'm hitting up the gym at 6:30 am! YIKES!), I'll be praying for my job, my schedule, my determination and motivation!

Mom will be here in a month! I'm making my cleaning schedule this week, and planning our activities and menu... oh, and this week I'm gonna try a new recipe that JennAnn blogged about... *HERE* sounds DEEE-LISH!

Sorry for the mind-dump and scattered post... lots going on in my unscheduled world...

today he would have been 73...

2009-08-14T03:20:00.002-05:00

and it's so unfair that he didn't get this far...

people say it gets easier with time...

I say people are wrong... it's been almost 10 yrs and I feel like I was cheated out of the best years of his life... granted, he's spending them with our Saviour, but the greedy part of me wants him HERE! NOW! I want him to hold my hand, to tell me that I'm good enough, and always have been in his eyes... to tell me that his love is enough...

I always knew it was...

yet here it is, 3:22 am and I'm being selfish, emotional, and sappy, wishing we could laugh at one more joke and love each other enough to never have to say good bye...

the night before he passed, I went to bed and the last words we said to one another was "I love you"... for some people that would be more than enough, and don't get me wrong, I will always feel like I won the lottery with that, but it's still not enough...

My paw paw was my world... my best friend and the one man I knew I could never ever doubt his love for me... he was my hero...

Tonight, nearly 10 yrs after his leaving this earth, I value his existance more and miss him more and more... I just want to be by his side and hear the dumbest joke he's ever told... no matter how tacky and inappropriate it may be... I would laugh like I've never laugh and hugh his neck that much tighter...

I miss my paw paw... my buddy...

my number one...

the one man who got me, as me, my soul, my heart, my love...

MOST.. the movie

2009-04-06T12:09:00.002-05:00

I learned something about myself this weekend...

I'm the girl who fast forwards thru that part in Top Gun when Goose dies in the ocean... I'm the girl who fast forwards that part in "What Lies Beneath" when the lady comes up from the bathtub, gasping for air... I often change the topic when the conversation gets uncomfortable... there I said it... UNCOMFORTABLE...

I hinted at it in my last post, but I HATE, IGNORE, AVOID uncomfortable... but I know there's a lot to be learned from being uncomfortable... decisions can be made, life altering blessings can be seen, experience happens, chance at happiness happens, change for the better happens, love happens...

So I went to church yesterday, knowing that we were going to start off with a movie clip with some speaking and worship music after... it's different, but I love my church, and they have driven me to think deeper before, so I knew it would be good... Now I'm telling you that I got the point of the movie, and it really was superb. Honest! Beautiful on a million levels... the love between a father and a son, the likeness to God's love for Jesus and ultimately us, as His children, the sacrifices a parent makes for love, for humanity, for life... the way that God feels joy, love, and happiness when we overcome the things that haunt us and keep us from being the person He wants us to be... beautiful and moving!

But as I was watching it, I had this huge feeling of fear. I was clearly uncomfortable... I kept glancing away from the screen, my heart sped up a bit more than usual. I knew something was going to happen, but what and to whom? I had a feeling I knew who it was going to be, but hurried breath after hurried breath, I wanted to run away from the train track... Show me the train platform... show the loved ones saying good bye or hello... show me the wind created by the speeding train, the steam passing thru the forrest. But don't show me what I think is going to happen, or if you do, show it to me fast so I can get past the uncomfortable...

I live this way so much of the time... turning away from the uncomfortable... I'm trying to look towards it, but it keeps me where I am so often, many times because I'm afraid of what I will discover, or won't discover. I try to psych myself up for new experiences and good life choices. but no breakthru or sudden change is going to happen today... I'm just telling you that I've recognized the pattern... I'm not proud of it, but I really don't know how to tell myself to get past it...

So if I cancel a meeting with you at some where I've never been, or fast forward thru a pivotal part of a film, or go the long way b/c it's what I know and it's in a better part of town, know that it's just who I am... part of my quirky self. I'd like to be more daring, but I'm just not.

How have you overcome uncomfortable? I know we've all been there a time or two...

oh and here's a clip of "MOST"... it's moving and thought provoking, for sure!
(i can't get it embed, so you get the link...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N0pRWWfKKw

Today's the same as yesterday...

2009-04-04T17:04:00.003-05:00

I promise this is not a complaint or a gripe or a sob story, it's just fact...

but I'm in a pickle... (hmmm pickle sounds good... I think I have some in the fridge... )

so I have been invited to go sing karaoke tonight, which would be a blast... I'm just not in the mood for new places and people... I'm more in the mood for a dark movie theater and some buttery popcorn :)

edit* I just told her that I wasn't feeling it tonight... I'll see her next weekend for sure! :)

I like my honkytonks and South Austin bubble... it's where I feel comfortable... I think if Stacy London and Clinton Kelly were to critique my life like they critique wardrobes, they would laugh and yell that comfort's over rated and it's what got me to where I am today... I need to expand my activities and look outside of my proverbial life box... my show would be called "how not to live".. not saying my life is bad by any means, but my self-imposed rules and guidelines have put me in to a little box that I don't dare go outside of unless I have someone to do it with me...

Another option tonight is that there's a show in Gruene Hall that a year ago I wouldn't be missing for the world... I love the artist (Adam Hood), and I'd love to see the people that are going to be attending, but for some reason I'm just not feeling it... I'm just not feeling a lot of much lately... I'm just "eh"... not mad, not sad, not angry, not hurt, not happy, not excitable, not inspired, not anything, just "eh"...

I know I should pray more, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to do so... maybe I should look for a Bible study I can do on my own, just for some self exploration that will lead to discovery and the opportunity for betterment... there's a thought... hmmmm...

I'm currently organizing a benefit for a friend of mine, http://www.mybreathoflife.org/, and it's happening the first week of May. I am blessed and honored to be a part of it and I pray we can make a dent in the medical expenses that will definitely be a part of her aftercare, after her double lung transplant 9if you would like to donate, the link should be up soon on the website, or you can contact me and I will get you directed to the right place for it!)

Also, the singles ministry at chruch is growing and the activities are coming together! I'm blessed to be led to organize this, as well. A week from today I will be taking part in the Mighty Texas Dog Walk. I figured if I pay for it, I will go and I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Plus I have a few people that have registered to attend, as well. I'm hoping a large group from church will be interested and want to go...

I've kinda stepped back from the healthy eating, calorie counting, and fitness routine thing... it's really hard to keep up with no schedule... maybe getting my apartment in order will lead me to get back on track with that stuff...

I'm having my carpets steam cleaned on the 23rd, so I'm hoping to get all of my apartment organized and spit spot clean! Ultimately I would like to get my curtains hung up and looking pretty!

oh and... so far this week I've watched Twilight 3 times... I'm in love with a fictional character... I swear! Or maybe it's just remembering the butterflies... butterflies are good... even better when they're real...

Oh and my sister's walking the Avon Walk for the Cure today in Houston... she should just be finishing up her 26.4 miles for the day and she has another 13 tomorrow... I'm beyond proud of her! She continues to inspire and amaze me with her strength and determination... now i just need to inspire myself ;)

Filter ON!

2009-03-25T01:17:00.003-05:00

Suffice to say I just haven't posted anything in a long while... and while I would love to ... wait no, I would NOT love to recap my year thus far, as it's been anything but fantastic, I will give you a couple of the most prominent low-lights... as if I was gettin' my hair did... but it didn't turn out so pretty...

It all started on my birthday, Dec. 30th...

My friendships began to unravel and have now hit the end... a couple of them... one circle, 2 friends, score = 0, b/c I don't think anyone wins here... and it's petty and rediculous... I wouldn't ever tolerate a man talking to me, accusing me, or insulting me the way I felt I was treated, so it's easier for me to let it go... I wish them well, but c'est la vie et bonne chance. Most of all, Au Revoir.

the other stellar part of my year *note sarcasm* was that I got laid off over a month ago. It took around 6 weeks for my first unemployment payment to come in, and I won't even tell you how incredibly rediculous THAT whole process is...

The good things that have happened is that I have been given the opportunity to focus on God more and have started up a Singles minstry group at my church... our first lunch we had 12 ppl show up and have atleast 20 who are interested... I call that success.

Also, I have a friend who has cystic fibrosis. She is Number 5 on the lung transplant list... I am in charge of organizing a benefit for her on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th, for those that are challenged in Espanol)... Say your prayers this all comes together as it should and that we can raise enough money to help cover a portion of her after surgery costs... our goal is $5000. i will be posting details and website stuff when it's ready to go.

The job hunt is boring and completely sucks. I'm not gonna lie. I hate seeing jobs that I am qualified for offering less than half of what I was making previously. That is where things get a little discouraging. I am praying earnestly and steadfastly and trying to stay positive, but I have to be honest and say that my optimism is waning... I find my heart palpitating and this fear is creeping in, as the last time I did this I ended up in a self-enduced depression which went untreated and I became someone I no longer recognize and never want to be again.

So I keep praying that God's plan for me is shown soon, and my heart will be filled and overflow in his grace and happiness.

My friend is having a baby here in the next couple of weeks. The baby is being put up for adoption. I will be at the hospital with her and will be taking pictures of her special day. I need to be strong and show her love and understanding, and strength. I don't know how I will do this, but I know I can.

There are a lot of other things I could write here, but I think this is already too much... I'm just in a place that I really do feel lost and I need to figure out what's next... I want my schedule back! I reached my first weight goal, but haven't been doing anything to get past that... and that disappoints me... so maybe starting April 1st I will jump back on my healthy eating bandwagon and get my exercise routine back in motion...

right now it's too easy to sleep...

so that's what I'm gonna go do...

I'm an Honest Scrap, I yam!

2009-02-01T16:07:00.006-06:00

So Miss Meg tagged me with this little honor, so I thought I'd honor her by blogging about it! So here I go...

Rules are set as follows...
1. Choose...blah, blah, blah...brilliant in content or design
2. Show the...blah,blah, blah...can keep the nifty icon.
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

and then I pass this award along to some number of other folks who I find blah blah blah brilliant! Should be pretty easy, since I think there's some pretty blah blah blah brilliant folks i keep up with on a regular basis... (you should see my google reader! woo hoo!)

1. When I eventually get my house, I'd like to decorate my living room with these colors, similar style, but with cream or eggplant sheers... and considering the fact that I want to try and buy this year, it's a distinct possibility it might happen... time to relocate the denim loveseat (cute, but I need something longer with a HUGE oversized reading chair & ottoman) I LOVE sage & eggplant... soooo relaxing!

AND...

3. here are my ten honest to goodness about me things...

1. I've sang on stage a time or two, but I'm no Sarah McLachlan..I wish I was though... I adore her so so much!

2. When I started to actively lose weight I was 216 lbs. I thought I'd die when I hit 150... I let myself down.

3. I wished I would have taken a summer when I was in college to go work at Disney World... it does seem like the happiest place on earth.

4. I really do want to spend more time with my sisters and brother. I want to know their families. (3 boys, 2 girls I have never met!)

5. I want to forgive my biological father for all he's done to me and my siblings, but think it's the one thing I will never truly forgive.

6. I fear money. It's sometimes paralyzing.

7. I suffer from anxiety attacks but rarely tell anyone. To me it's like failing or being weak.

8. I hold back tears when I sing a lot, all because I feel the lyrics. I just don't want people to think I'm a complete sap!

9. I tell so many people about my workout and healthy eating now b/c I don't want to fail myself. It has nothing to do about bragging. It's more of my shame for letting myself go.

10. So far my year has pretty much not been anything what I thought it would be, but I think God has a master plan and it's all part of what he has in store for me next. I just hope the big stuff is almost over. It's been enough, but it hasn't broken me, only shown me how strong I really am. I have been suprised by myself and my heart.

So now I'm passing this along to my lovlies...

1. SheShe... she keeps me grounded in my days of "whoa"...

2. KylaSue... she is the one person I know that gets the 11 yrs of heartache...
3. Elise... b/c she's moved to another city with such gusto and love for something bigger than she knows

4. Jen... she's in love and it's the real deal, and we all need some romance to read about...

5. Nicole... she's in this crazy weight struggle with me, and I am behind her 110%!!! you go, girl!!!

6. Steph... she's one of my favorite heros... not necessarily for the hand she was given last year, and played beautifully, but becuase of the first day I met her... she never let me break, even tho I thought I was going to...

7. Nee'... just because she's who she is...

Recalculate and Regroup!

2009-01-23T14:38:00.002-06:00

so you know how I told you about the .24% last post? well funny thing is that I think I need to have my eyes checked b/c once the numbers went up on the wall, I found out I'm tied for 5th place, out of 26 and it's not .24% it's .....

.94%!!! that's almost a full out ONE percent! I'm super excited!!! and I've also realized that hunger isn't a bad thing, I just need to eat more of the good and add in the exercise to take care of the extra, so that I max out around 1500 cals a day... I can totally do that... and i'm burning calories w/o even knowing it!

so enough about the food stuff and calories stuff... the Regrouping part...

I lead a small group and am also a memeber of another small group, neither one met to do any sort of Bible study during the month of December, and January has gotten off to a slow start, but I'm so ready to get back to it all! This year I have been great at making positive changes for myself, and adding in a regular Bible study is going to make it just that much better! I'm quit smoking, except for the occassional random one here and there, I've lost some weight, I'm learning to eat right and count calories (something I was completely terrified of), and now I'm gonna get with this whole Bible study thing and get some time to myself... just me and God... I know that my life will be better for it.

I think I'm in the season of slowing down and making big decisions... sure seems that way, huh? Also this year, I'm going to actively look at buying a house.. GASP! yes.. a place to actually spread all of my stuff out and truly get organized and have fun doing it! I'm not going to stress over it, b/c i know it will all work out the way God has intended it.

Ya know it really is true that when you start handing over stuff to the big guy in the sky, things just seem to fall in to place the way they are supposed to...

Pettyness and stress don't make anything better what so ever!

So live free and live real... it's all gonna happen when it's supposed to!

oh and last night I saw Darius Rucker, Dierks Bentley, and Brad Paisley. Each one of them put on a fantastic set! Darius's was a bit toned down, but the guy has got some serious moves!!! He just seems like the perfect guy to take around the dance floor! Dierks came out strong with "How am I Doin" and it reminded me that it was THAT song that turned me on to him... little white tank top didn't really do it for me, or maybe it was just corporate radio shoving it down my throat that did it for me, I dunno, but suffice to say I did come around when the next single hit the air, and I've been a fan ever since. Brad Paisley... seriously, if you've never seen the guy play guitar, country fan or not, you NEED to do so... this guy was simply amazing and every song it seemed like he had a new 6 string... His stage presence was huge, even if he wasn't, and every song that he played, I found myself saying "Oh yeah! I forgot about that one!"... and then there was the dang "I'm gonna miss her - fishing song" UGH! the coolest thing about that was the giant screen behind him was like being in a big ol' stocktank with pure goggles on.. you could see all the fish everywhere! it was pretty cool! The encore was the more stupid "ticks" song, so we left at that point. I was happy that he did Whiskey Lullaby w/ a hologramed Alison Krauss sitting in (VERY Cool!), and "She's Everything", b/c I simply pretend that some day there will be THAT guy who thinks those things about me... it's just a beautiful song and so simple, when so often we get caught up in the blown up details...

sometimes the best is when we're just who we are... t-shirts, pj pants, and a laptop... oh and throw a pup in there for good measure...

now that's a perfect setting, only if there was a man's chest for me to rest my head on...

so I'm adding
Darius Rucker
Dierks Bentley
Brad Paisley

to my musical list for the year.

Tonight I'm supposed to go see Bob Schneider at Antone's (I won free tix).. now I'm looking for someone to go with... I have a few feelers out but if no one wants to go, I think can do this one alone... it's BOB!

.24%

2009-01-21T13:02:00.002-06:00

not quite a quarter of a whole percent, but almost... but that's where I am on my weight loss after the first week... it may not look like much to your eye, but I'm right on schedule with what my online program says I should be doing...

So I'm feeling a wee bit confident and this whole thing is getting to be so much easier... and funny enough, it's all about awareness!!!!

but what I don't get is that by the afternoon, I'm on the lower edge of my calories, the day's almost done at work, and I'm starving! it's making me want to pick up another handfull of almonds or popcorn... ooohhh do I have some in my drawer? I think i might go pop that popcorn!!!

and YES! it was just as mouth watering and tasty as I'd thought it'd be!

People are calling me inspiring, but what they don't see is that them doing that keeps me excited, inspires me, drives me, because the last thing I want to do, now that everyone's watching, is to fail... I will NOT fail! I don't fail anymore... that's so 99... lol...

good gosh I need to go watch heather's again! I miss that movie! only this time I'll skip the ben & jerry's !

Baubles & Cupcakes

2009-01-19T12:57:00.004-06:00

First off, here's a link to a great little contest on Blissful Style of the Blissfully Domestic super blog...go play!!!

oh and one more contest for you from an Etsy shop... love me some Etsy!!! go to the AllOverArt blog to play!!!

Here's my little weekend review... and honestly it was really nice... maybe a tad bit of stress, but that's just proof I'm alive...

So Friday was my first night that I left work "on time"... got home around 6 or so and went to work out for about an hour (Go Me!)... then I went to the store and picked up a few snack items for my Lia Sophia party that was happening on Sat. (all healthy foods - fruits, veggies, low-cal; low-fat crackers)... i only splurged on the HEB Dill Dip... I need to find me a low-fat recipe for this... I just absolutely love it!!! but I can only have 2 tbsp of it at a time (it's 110 cal)...

Saturday morning I feverishly picked up the rest of the open area of my apt (they didn't see where I stashed all the piles of papers and other assorted messes), and prepared for the party. As I was "preparing", I opened the wine, and it was the best wine I'd had in a long long time! maybe b/c I've been working so much and have been stressed beyond my full comprehension lately, but the wine was good... and it was a sign of things to come...

The party was nice. I had myself, the presenter, and a friend w/ her sister...we may have been small in numbers, but we loved the fruit dip and trying all of the jewelery on! Also, we each got a free piece of jewelry for being there, and I got an additional piece for hosting! When it's all said and done I'll be able to get 20% of my total sales in free stuff! The catalog's online and the party's open until Friday! so let me know if you wanna order!

After everyone left and I'd put everything away, I sat down... I just sat down and I think the stress of work and other things lately just finally got the best of me... so I just let my tears fall.. it was just going to be a pity party kind of night! Jen was gonna come over and drink wine with me and watch chick flicks, and then I remembered that the girls where gonna be relaxing at Sissy's, so to Sissy's I went... and I was right where I needed to be! some good friends, some good wine (yes, it was still going at this point... I'm blaming HEB for their $5 bottle of Chardonnay).. home at 4 am (WHOA!!) and staight to bed! I had to be at church to work in my little pre-school room at 11:15,...

Made it to church, then to lunch with Abby (sorry I was a few min. late!!!) and we met up at Cheddar's where I got my veggie place w/ green beans (yum!), glazed carrots, mashed potatoes, broccoli rice casserole (to.die.for!omg!!!) and it came w/ a side salad... now if you aren't familiar with the little bonus they serve w/ their salads, I'm going to tell you i do not have the will power to pass these little things up EVER! they literally melt in your mouth... they are warm... they are tasty... they have butter drizzling off of them...

I give you the Croissant (plus it's really fun to say!!!)

after my guilty croissant was consumed and we finished lunch, we went and worked out... like broke a sweat, lifted some weights, watched some ME television, rolled eyes at parents that bring their toddlers w/ no toys to a fitness center and expects them to behave, meanwhile they are throwing medicine balls into the machine I'm on... UGH! but we were there for an hour and a half, and it felt REALLY good!

After that I went home and got ready for church. We have a service once a month on a Sunday night for Communion and deeper fellowship, and they always serve tasty treats... Last night it was Hey!Cupcake. I had a Red Velvet and a 24 Carrot to go...

Finally got home and did some research on the internets for a class I'm teaching with my small group and finally went to bed...

One great thing about Sat. night is that my friend called. I've missed him. Haven't really talked in a couple of months... hope to talk to him again soon... he made me smile and gave me permission for the pity party... only b/c he doesn't like wine and said I had to get it out of my system before he came to town;)

this week I'm meeting up with people, resolving issues, working late, working out, eating right, oh, and Thursday we're going to see Brad Paisley w/ Dierks Bentley and Darius Rucker. I'm excited to see all 3 b/c at this point, I'd settle for a slowdown ;)

Healthy Eating Recipes and Websites

2009-01-14T15:34:00.002-06:00

What websites do you use for recipes, weight management, and fitness?

I'm going to give a list of those I know of, but I'm always looking for more good healthy and low-cal low-fat recipes... or even some that might not be, but can be caloried-down... :)

Recipe Websites:
www.eatingwell.com
www.cleaneatingmag.com
www.weightwatchers.com
www.sparkpeople.com
www.allrecipes.com
www.hungrygirl.com
www.tasteoftexas.com/recipes
www.foodnetwork.com
www.kraftfoods.com

Weight Loss Tips / Weight Management

Fitness Websites:
www.itrain.com

Fitness Article of the day: courtesy of www.Sparkpeople.com and www.divinecaroline.com
http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.asp?id=1209 ( I included the link b/c it's pretty lengthy...)

9 Cold, Hard Weight Loss Truths
What the Diet Industry Won't Tell You
-- By Brie Cadman of DivineCaroline.com

Even if you’re not trying to lose weight, chances are you’ve seen some ideas on how to do so:

“Eat what you want and lose weight!”
“Lose 30 pounds in 30 days!”
“Finally, a diet that really works!”
“Lose one jean size every 7 days!”
“Top 3 fat burners revealed”
“10 minutes to a tighter tummy!”

But these claims are readily rebuked by anyone who’s tried to lose five, 10, or 100 pounds. Losing weight ain’t that easy. It’s not in a pill, it doesn’t (usually) happen in 30 days, and judging from the myriad plans out there, there is no one diet that works for everyone.

Looking past the outrageous claims, there are a few hard truths the diet industry isn’t going to tell you, but that just might help you take a more realistic approach to sustained weight loss.

1. You have to exercise more than you think. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends getting at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week; this includes things like shoveling snow and gardening. And while this is great for improving heart health and staying active, research indicates that those looking to lose weight or maintain weight loss have to do more—about twice as much.

For instance, members of the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR)—a group of over 5,000 individuals who have lost an average of 66 pounds and kept it off for five and a half years—exercise for about an hour, every day.

A study published in the July 28, 2008 issue of Archives of Internal Medicine supports this observational finding. The researchers enrolled 200 overweight and obese women on a diet and exercise regimen and followed them for two years. Compared with those that gained some of their weight back, the women who were able to sustain a weight loss of 10 percent of their initial weight for two years exercised consistently and regularly—about 275 minutes a week, or 55 minutes of exercise at least five days a week.

In other words, things like taking the stairs, walking to the store, and gardening are great ways to boost activity level, but losing serious weight means exercising regularly for an hour or so. However, this doesn’t mean you have to start running or kickboxing—the most frequently reported form of activity in the NWCR group is walking.

2. A half-hour walk doesn’t equal a brownie.

I remember going out to eat with some friends after a bike ride. Someone commented on how we deserved dessert because we had just spent the day exercising; in fact, we had taken a leisurely 20-minute ride through the park. This probably burned the calories in a slice of our French bread, but definitely not those in the caramel fudge brownie dessert. Bummer.

And while it’s easy to underestimate how many calories some foods contain, it’s also easy to overestimate how many calories we burn while exercising. Double bummer. Even if you exercise a fair amount, it’s not carte blanche to eat whatever you want. (Unless you exercise a ton, have the metabolism of a 16-year-old boy, and really can eat whatever you want). A report investigating the commonly-held beliefs about exercising, published in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, concludes that although exercise does burn calories during and after exercise, for overweight persons, “excessive caloric expenditure has limited implications for substantially reducing body weight independent of nutritional modifications.” In other words, to lose weight, you have to cut calories and increase exercise.

3. You do have time to exercise.

If you have time to check email, watch a sitcom or two, surf the Internet, have drinks, coffee and dinner with friends, go clothes shopping, and on and on, then you have time to exercise. Yes, sometimes you have to sacrifice social, TV, or leisure time to fit it in. Yes, sometimes you have to prioritize your exercise time over other things. But your health and the feeling you get after working out is well worth it.

4. Eating more of something won’t help you lose weight.

The food industry is keen to latch onto weight loss research and spin it for their sales purposes. A prime example is the widespread claim that eating more dairy products will help you lose weight. However, a recent review of 49 clinical trials from 1966 to 2007 showed that “neither dairy nor calcium supplements helped people lose weight.”

This idea—that eating more of a certain type of product will help you lose weight—is constantly regurgitated on supermarket shelves (think low-fat cake, low-carb crackers, whole grain cookies, and fat-free chips), but is in direct opposition to the basic idea behind weight loss—that we have to eat less, not more.

5. Calories in = calories out?

There is a fair amount of controversy over the basic question of how people gain weight. Is it simply a matter of energy intake being greater than energy expenditure? Or is there more too it; do the type of calories we eat matter and can avoiding certain types help to lose or prevent weight? The various low-fat, low-carb, and glycemic index advocates can’t seem to agree on which it is.

However, most can agree, and logical sense would tell us, that drinking 500 calories of soda is not equal to eating 500 calories of fruits and vegetables. One is simply “empty” calories—those that provide no real nutritional benefit and don’t do much to combat hunger. Whether you ascribe to the simple idea of trying to burn more calories than you take in or focus on avoiding certain types of calories, you want to minimize intake of empty calories, and maximize nutrient-dense calories.

6. Your body is working against you.

Most people have noticed that it’s hard to lose weight, but easy to gain it. This is a relic of harder times, when food was not as abundant as it is today. Our genetic taste buds made energy-dense food desirable because it was necessary to pack away calories so we could make it through the thin times. We feasted when we could, in preparation for the famine.

But now that we live in a time of abundance, that system predisposes many of us for weight gain and retention. And for obese dieters, this system is even harder to overcome; after weight loss, they become better at storing fat, making it harder to keep weight off. However, this isn’t to say that many haven’t lost weight and kept it off successfully. It just means you have to be diligent.

7. Our cultural environment is also working against you.

Let’s face it, modern society does not make it easy on those trying to eat healthfully and exercise. According to Linda Bacon, associate professor of nutrition at University of California at Davis, “We get a tremendous amount of pressure to eat for reasons other than nurturing ourselves, and over time, people lose sensitivity to hunger/fullness/appetite signals meant to keep them healthy and well nourished. It’s hard for people to come to a healthy sense of themselves given the cultural climate, and nutritious and pleasurable options for healthy food are not as easily accessible as less nutritious (ones).”

That doesn’t mean this can’t be overcome, but it does require maybe putting other parts of your life on a “diet.” TV would be the biggest culprit, since many food advertisements, especially for children’s junk food, come during this time. Other areas to put on a “diet” are chain and fast food restaurants (where portion sizes are distorted), a bad-influence friend, or driving, which may help increase walking and biking.

8. Maybe you don’t need to lose weight.

Some feel that the medical problems associated with excess weight are exaggerated. Gina Kolata, a New York Times science writer questions the notion that thin is a realistic or necessary objective for most. In her book, Rethinking Thin, she asserts that weight loss is an unachievable goal for many, and that losing weight isn’t so much about health as it is about money, trends, and impossible ideals. Recent research also challenges the idea that being overweight is bad. A study in JAMA, the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that being 25 pounds overweight did not increase the risk of heart disease and cancer, and may even help stave off infections.

It’s true that people can be fit and healthy and not necessarily be thin, just as it’s true that thin people may not necessarily be healthy. Good health, rather than weight, should be our focus; too often, it’s not. Striving for an unhealthy level of thinness may be detrimental to our health, but understanding the health repercussions of obesity is also critical.

9. This is not a diet; this is your life.

The diet industry would have us all think that we can lose weight fast, and that’s that. But most people who maintain their weight understand that eating and exercising are not temporary conditions, to be dumped once a pair of jeans fit. Instead, they are lifestyle choices, and ones to be made for the long haul.

so there ya' have it... we have to eat right, eat smart, and EXERCISE!
*that's the hardest part! so tonight I'm going to put down the computer and exercise before Letterman so I can see one of my Texas bands, The Randy Rogers Band, perform on David Letterman tonight! You should watch, too!!!

So Long My Friends...

2009-01-13T13:53:00.003-06:00

I have to say goodbye to some things I love...

and i would put in pictures, but I'm writing this at work and the picture uploader thing isn't cooperating, so here's the list...

*chocolate...
*regular dr. pepper (but diet's ok b/c there's no calories, but I'm still sticking to water until I can't stand it anymore)
*chips (I can't eat just one... I'm blaming the salt!) (oh, and I'm cutting back on that, too!)
* empty nights at home - they are now filled with activity, whether it's cleaning, organizing, or exercising, and maybe a combo of a few of these all together...
* Pizza - I'll be scraping the ingredients off the crust and going everything low-cal; low fat...
* Crackers...sigh again with the salt and carb thing... why can't they do salt substitutes that don't make you retain water...

oh yeah, and I'm drinking a ton of water... staying fuller for longer, and making good choices...
I'm a huge fan and cheerleader for ground turkey, eggbeaters, and low-cal items! oh, and did I mention skinny cow ice cream desserts?

I'm gonna have my rewards, don't you worry... but now I have my incentive!

Starting tomorrow morning, we are doing a public weigh in at WORK! this is in front of the people I work with, and there's a buy in, too, so I've not only invested the money to see it thru, I've invested the effort, and the "embarassment" of showing my weight to everyone!

Now I just gotta exercise!!! I've got my gameplan down, with alternatives, so I need to make sure I stick to it! last night was taking down the Christmas tree after getting home at nearly 9 pm, so no exercise, but tonight, I'm getting home and I'm gonna boogie in the living room to a healthy heart rate... maybe I'll look in to the WiiFit! ??? (if you have one, tell me how you like it...)

oh, and one last thing... it's fun, so get excited!
I read www.blissfullydomestic.com on a regular basis... it's actually subscribed on my google reader (YAY!) and they do contests on a regular basis... so here's the link to the current one... go play! you have until the 17th to do so!!!

CONTEST

New Year, New Look...

2009-01-05T09:38:00.002-06:00

So I figured I'd clean up the festive look, but continue the "cool" colors, and hey, I'm a fan of argyle... what can I say?

So I'm going to try and keep up with posting a list of the music I see each week, the week consisting of Sun. to Sat. I wanna see how muchmusic I can actually see in a year and how many different artists I am exposed to...I've never really kept track...

1/1/09 Brandon Rhyder - Midnight Rodeo - (at the stroke of midnight, technically it counts ;)
1/1/09 Band of Heathens - Gruene Hall
1/3/09 Bruce Robison - The Broken Spoke

so I rang in the new year listening to Brandon Rhyder & his band at Midnight Rodeo with Mindy and her friend, Janine. All in all a great time, great music, great friends. I can't even begin to tell you all how extraordinary the people watching was... INCREDIBLE! LOL... sad displays of women being those I never want to be... a pretty good reminder...

I've had highs, I've had some lows, but all in all, I've not lost myself... I even saw that he called and texted twice in the span of 5 minutes and I continued to ignore him... I don't think I'll ever understand why he thinks it's ok to call over a year after he told me he was getting married... I've moved on... and one would think he would have, too... I'm good w/o him... I'm actually, dare I say, better?!?!?!?

I got back on the scale yesterday and I was happy... I haven't reached my first goal, but I've definitely stayed where I was and that's where than where I started, so not all's lost... now I am jumping back on the weight loss wagon...

This year I want to spend more time with my family, love those around me a little more and find new people to love, too... In that, too, I want more time with God and learn how to not be so afraid of the quiet silence that will inevitably find me.. maybe some how I will find peace in it, rather than fear...

I'll create my gym habit and might even look good...errrr... better when bathing suit season rolls around...

This year I hope to discover even more great music, too... My favorite discoveries via other musicians and friends, have been The Mother Truckers (2007 find at Gruene Hall), Paul Thorn (via Matt Powell/Wade Bowen), and Sean McConnell (via Wade Bowen)... and just the other day I heard Bethany Dillon sing "Beautiful", and it was...

here's to a great year...

2009, I'm gonna make it mine...

Into the Mystic

2008-12-18T17:01:00.002-06:00

this was my view driving in to work this morning... can I just tell you that it was horrific for me? I know some of you are saying, eh, no biggie... it's just a little fog... but see, I have some kind of vertigo happening, that when I see certain movies or go down a hill too fast, I lose my stomach and have to close my eyes to get my "ground" again...

The first thing I did when I left the house this morning was vocally ask God to keep me safe b/c I was scared... not even lying... I was scared I wouldnt' seen someone or they wouldn't see me... It got worse each mile I drove, and there's only 16 of them b/w here and my office.

This afternoon it struck me as being poetic, almost... I finally got it when I realized that this must be how God saw me trying to get thru my life these past 10 yrs or so... I've been living in a virtual fog... no wonder I hadn't gotten anywhere very fast... I was blinded by things I surrounded myself with...

It's amazing how much you see when you give him time to show it to you...

So tonight I'll drive home in the fog, appreciating it a little bit more than I did this morning. I hope those that are driving around me are doing the same thing!

and when I get home, I'll spend some more time praying about seeing the things he wants me to see...

'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen' - Hebrews 11:1

Sing us a song, You're a Piano Man....

2008-12-15T14:36:00.002-06:00

so I did it!

I bought tickets to go see Billy Joel & Elton John on March 21st in San Antonio, and believe it or not, tickets weren't outrageous... I think anything under $60 for this show is a steal! I mean I'd go see both of them separately, but together, it's musical caviar ... not that I'm in to caviar, but it's just going to be amazing! Oh, and I get to go with some fo my favorite girls AND my mama!

can you even imagine the dualing pianos?!?!?!?!?

Here's a review from someone who saw the show back in 2003... seems pretty incredible...

other notables from this past weekend:
unexpected text messages at 3:30 in the morning that make me giggle...
new babies...
Bar Golf w/ furry Christmas argyle socks...
Friends I haven't seen in way too long and good bonding, too...
Free tickets to a show at Antone's w/ a killer prize pack and music that was AWESOME! Go see Alpha Rev if you get the chance... c'est incroyable!
Edward.... again.... (this makes 3 times so far....)
Shopping...
3 pair of shoes - none of which cost more that $9.. SCORE!

how was your weekend???

The First Step Of Forgiveness

2008-12-11T13:54:00.003-06:00

Is getting past the hurt and pain from years ago, even tho you remember what it was that caused it.

Regardless of the words chosen, the choices made, and opinions that were thought of as truth, no one deserves to be victimized.

I am truly sorry that people are made in to victims by someone else's free will. God cannot control the free will of those that are living their lives thru the devil. Satan is truly an evil entity who controls the weak minded, and he uses them to prey on those that are strong. I have seen it time and time again. The strong always survive.

This is the time of year that we do things for those we don't know, and some that we do, b/c when it comes down to it, we all have a few pennies here and there that can be put to better use than filling up a water tub for decoration.

At my church a few weeks ago, they handed out money... real American dollars... anywhere from $5 to $300 to each person that showed up that Sunday. We were challenged to give it back to the community, and see how far our "dollar" could go to do God's work. We weren't allowed to keep it, or give it back to the church.. this was good community money.

I have struggled on what I should do with it, and now I have found a place to send it. but I haven't just found one place to send it, I have found several. So now I have been blessed enough to make 4 other donations that will match the amount I was given. Here is where I am donating this year. If you feel the need to donate and don't know where to, here are some great ideas. Each of them I know the people involved, or have known them before.

Out of a Job and Robbed - I used to know the victim(s), but don't anymore, just think that no one, regardless of the past, deserves to be victimized - REGARDLESS
Parent Rise - a Start-up Non Profit for single parents - unlimited resources and assistance
Amsterdam Missionaries - click on the "Get Involved" link - then "how to get started giving" - starting churches in the underground of Amsterdam - GREAT story!
Grounded in Music - provides musical instruments and lessons for underprivledged children
The SIMS foundation - provides health care and counseling to the wonderful musicians that do not have the money or benefits to afford proper care... yet they give us so much of themselves w/o asking for anything in return...

there's my list of who I'm giving to this season... I have been praying for a long time over this, and I'm so so GLAD that God gave me the answer I needed.

It reminds me of the Lord's Prayer...

Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Thy Will be done
On Earth, as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Searching for Butterflies

The verse that saved my life

Ready for BIG!

Sweet "Christianity"

Gotta Be Upbeat...

Foggy Future

Some things don't need titles.

Well that sucked...

Why Why Why, You silly little French Fry?

Reality Check.

Low key kind of week...

It's ALLLLL good!

Re-Upping the Confidence

How?

Communication

OCMS, ES&MZ, & M&S

My Crafty Page!

Confidence!

I've Always Been Purple

New Tabs!

Crafty Hands

Alphabet Soup...

Temptation FAIL!

Resolution Re-Visit

Brrrrr!!!

Car Troubles...

Music lists...

Lots of New

WHEW! That's Over!

Old friends...

Extension...

Meow.

*WHEW* I can mark THAT off my list!

Getting my affairs in order...

what I wrote in the "about me"

Numbers...

The big C...

Things are Stirring...

I'm Thankful for so much, yet I feel guilty...

Mordecai Ale Van Allen O'Shea

I finally won.

Serve

pfffft...

Me, Versatile? Why yes I am, Thankyouverymuch!

Annnndddd ... I'm still here...

who says you can't start something on a Tuesday?

Name things that go round and round....

I'll kick your....

Week 3 - Ready Set Go ...Again...

Lacking

Do-do over...

W1D2

And I was Running!

To Gluten or Not to Gluten?

Music Monday - No. 2

Friday Fill-Ins *Numero Dos*

"Think About It" Thursday

Workout Wednesday No. 1

Troubled Tuesday No. 1(a) ...

Troubled Tuesday No. 1 ...

Music Monday - No. 1

Sunday Funday

what's worse?

Blog Schedule?

Friday Fill-Ins *Numero Uno*

*Mind Dump - On*

Dear People Complaining About John Mayer...

New Life!

How?

Quality...

Twenty Ten

Lemme See Your...

1 hr and 55 minutes from now...

Goodness!!!

I got a gig...

Sunday Meh-day

And then I was still...

FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL

New Look, New Season, New Attitude

today he would have been 73...

WHEW I can mark THAT off my list!

Friday Fill-Ins Numero Dos

Friday Fill-Ins Numero Uno

Mind Dump - On