"Fat Shaming"

At the encouragement from a girlfriend who had recently joined a certain dating app, I did it...

Now let me preface this by saying I LOATHE online dating. I can't tell you how much I actually REALLY hate it. It just feels unauthentic, low quality and somewhat desperate. Not saying it's that way for everyone, but it's really just not my thing.

First day:
Figure this thing out, how does it work? Swipe left, swipe right, shoot, I meant to swipe the other direction. Crap, now I'm stuck with a match I didn't want.

But I'm getting matches, and some seem like decent quality people, looking for similar things, a few reply with messages and chats, they all are very complimentary, "you're beautiful, gorgeous, great smile, pretty eyes, etc..." And for a hot second, I start thinking maybe this isn't so terrible. Maybe I've really been so closed off that I can't take a compliment, but I should take these. After all, they're authentic, right?

Oh, and side note:  Seeing guys I know "sell" their profiles that are entertaining at best... seeing husbands of girls I know (are they / aren't they still married? and if they are WHY are they on here? Do their significant others know what's on their phone?? These guys have kids!) But not my biz and Immediate "nope", b/c I don't even want to consider one of them possibly matching me.

But back to my matches.

Second Day:
I ended up exchanging phone numbers, FB requests, and texts with one guy who toted himself as a gentleman with 2 teenage daughters, "I want to be a good example for them. I don't want them to see me as a POS. I want them to want and see a quality guy and not settle for a dirtbag" (all quotes from our conversation).  I end up sending him to the website for my box that I attend. I know there's a "full body" pic there, and I have nothing to hide. I actually feel more comfortable with this pic, even if I do have chalk on my pants, my hair is a shaggy stray mess, my face is a bit flushed, and the other girls in the pic are obviously smaller than I am, because I'm proud of the work I did that day & I can see it when I look at that photo.

Sure, I see places that need some work. We all have them. Me, just a little more of those are visible than they are on others. 

That being said, I wasn't truly prepared for the conversation that followed. 

Him: Is that you in the grey top?
Me: yes,
Him: How current?
     *(as soon as he sent that, I felt the tide change. I knew what he was thinking.)
Me: um, maybe Sept? Oct?
Him: I have to ask even though I will sound like a pig. Are you still the same size?
     *(this is where I made the conscious decision to be a gracious lady, standing up for myself, and show that at least one of us contained an ounce of tact)
Me: Yep. I'm b/w a 10/12.  And you totally sound like a pig asking that.
Him: I'm sorry but I need someone petite. I had to be upfront and I sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings.

It didn't take long for me to find the awareness that comes with his statement. I was winding down to get ready for bed and all I could think of was "he just pointed out that I"m not "petite" so basically it was the same as being called "fat".

Gasp.

Gulp.

Swallow.

And guess what the first thought was that I had this morning when I woke up?

Yep. Same.

I did delete his number, blocked it, even, deleted him from FB, deleted him as a "match", etc... covered my bases.

Third Day:
This AM I deleted my account on the app, removed the one other I'd "friended" on FB, and deleted the app all together.

This is why I don't do online dating. I definitely prefer, if I'm going to meet someone, that it's someone who sees me in person, knows who they are talking to, what I look like IRL (which is the same as I do in pics, so not sure what the pig was expecting?)

I'll meet a "friend of a friend".  I'll chat with someone who approaches me in a public setting.  I'm good at talking to people face to face.

But as far as online and apps go... Done.

Here's what I'm not done with:
Crossfit - I'm pretty damn proud of the work I do there. and I feel good when I do it.  I'm proud of the accomplishments I have achieved, the strides I've made, the weight I've thrown (And I can totally deadlift that pig, too... )

Feeling Confident where I know I can:  Look. I'm not unattractive. I don't wake up each day and pull my hair back, brush my teeth, put on my makeup, and pick out an outfit to "settle" on looking "ok".  Even when I dress down, I feel like I look good or decent, some days even pretty.  I think this is normal and healthy.

Being around people that make me feel good and happy.  Most of these are my Box mates. Others are concert friends. And there's those few ladies who are my "Sex & The City" girls.  My really close friends I can count on one hand.  But I'm about to have to add in my second just to keep up. Hashtag Blessed :-P

I don't need to be in a relationship. I don't need to date. I just need to be happy with where I am and with what I do.

But if you're ever rejecting someone who you might have had a slight interest in, don't make it about their size or shape. Use your manners, be tactful and don't point out what might be a tender subject for someone. Chances are they're probably insecure about it already and don't need your help.

PRs and what not

Hey there, Hi.

I've been absent for about a week here, so really wanted to get back on track with updating, mind dumping, etc before I got too far away from doing it...

The last couple of weeks, gym-wise, have been good, great and not-so-great.  The strength elements have been exciting and "fun", and I've hit a good number of PRs. 2 of those were during a dedicated CFT day (Crossfit Total), where we work up to our 1 rep max weight on 3 elements: Backsquat, Shoulder (Strict) Press, and Deadlift.

Deadlift: 175#s, THEN 4 days later, 215#s! It's my first time to do anything over 200 lbs!
Backsquat: 157#s, THEN the following week, 185#s!
Push Press 115#s
Bench Press 115#s

These are all really proud moments.

What's suffering now (and will always be something I struggle against), is my endurance.  My WOD times are slipping, in general, & it's super frustrating.I want to feel like I'm making strides there, & I'm just not...

AND I strained my back a little bit trying to be a badass... and the badass kicked me square in the back. well, lower back, but still... it's been bothered since doing the deadlifts and backsquats.

AND my toe is still not 100%, so I'm modifying my movements there, too...

If all this keeps up, I'm not going to be able to do much of anything. I"m just frustrated. I want all the things to be improving and instead I end up hurting myself, which will keep me from improving much more for a little bit.

I want to get faster, more than anything, I just want to feel like my times and my efforts are improving, not just getting stronger.

I want to SEE the tone in my body... not just went I'm brushing my hair, but when I'm wearing tank tops and cute summer dresses... I want my gut not to hang over my jeans.. I want to be able to feel confident and actually look good in a WOD pic.. b/c so far every single one of them makes me just cringe.

Needed: One Good Run of Good Luck

Man, I swear... the second I start feeling some sort of confidence and get excited about fighting through another WOD, esp. one that I know I'll struggle with, but WANT to do, attempt anyways, I have to pull myself back and find another way to do it.

The WOD today is best described as "Hell".

But it didn't scare me,

30 Min. AMRAP
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees
800m run
75 DUs (150 Singles)
20 burpees
400m run
50 DUs (100 Singles)
15 burpees
200m run
25 DUs (50 Singles)
10
200m
25 (50)
10
400m
50 (100)
15
800m
75 (150)
20
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees

Now there's NO way I would finish that in the 30 minute time cap, BUT that doesn't mean I didn't want a good long WOD... I mean I'd prob. only make it thru the first set, but I NEED to run. I NEED to get more consistent with my Singles, and I need to get my burpees skill back to some sort of level.  However, for this, I'd most likely sub those out with my new regular 1 leg push ups, just to keep the movement going.  But the point is I was all set to go... Shoot, even when I woke up before God and er'body, I was looking at it and thought, man, that's gonna be rough, but I could use a good long 30 min WOD. Tolerable.

But then I was sidelined.

I dont know if it's the pressure the deadlifts put on my back yesterday, the level I actually engaged my core and abs doing the other moves, and the post-WOD core work, or some random stomach bug of torture, but whatever it was, I was out.  I'm more sore from trying not to puke than I am from yesterday's workout.

Perk: I lost another lb, so I am at 6 total since 2/2. I didn't take my MNS today, there was no way at all.

I'm supposed to head out to San Antonio tomorrow to see friends and hit up the stock show. That all depends on 1. how I feel 2. how I sleep.

If I, for a really stupid reason, don't get to go, I guess I'll spend Valentine's working on my own heart and try to work in a run, if the weather doesn't suck.

Maybe that will kickstart my Good Run of Good Luck.

Paleo Baseline Take 2.

What. The. Hell.

I actually added a minute and 4 seconds to my time.  Mentally, physically, ability, weight wise, food wise, everything, I was prepared to beat my previous time.  Heck, after I finished it in January, I was mortified b/c my time was so terrible. But I knew I was unprepared. I could understand it, I could explain it.

Yesterday's effort, I'm at a loss.

I didn't want the hi-fives. I didn't feel like I earned it. I did everything the same, minus upping the push-ups off my knees, but still no burpees, no running, 10 lb wall ball, banded pull ups... my row splits were right on.. I expected to have a good 8 min of rowing total. That was spot on.

Nothing to explain that extra minute+.

I didn't practice the movements enough. I didn't put in the work.  I just expected things to be better.

So I'll take the responsibility, stop looking for an explanation, accept where it lies, and push myself to do this again, in another 30 days and see if I can make that time eat itself.


We also have the Crossfit Games coming up at the end of February.  I'm not signing up, b/c I don't need the t-shirt, I won't be competitive, but I know we'll have the WODs planned throughout the event, so I'll do the work.  I enjoyed doing them last year, even made up the ones I was out of town for, just to say that I did. They're always tough, but definitely a good measure of skill, agility, and ability.

I just need endurance to swing a little bit in my direction. I just don't really know how to make that happen.

The other thing I've got going on, in relation to my fitness (or lack thereof) is my 24 Day Challenge.  Today is day 10, so I'm wrapping up my cleanse phase and tomorrow I'll take my measurements & weight, and start the Max Phase.  As of yesterday, I was down 5 lbs and I know I've cut a few inches.  Both needed to be done. I'm hopeful I'll drop even more lbs in the next 14 days, and get a few more inches trimmed up. I like the changes I'm already seeing and it feels good to have my food under control again.

Ultimately I'm in control of everything here.  My food, my fitness, my health. I'm in charge, so if it fails and I don't get the results I want, this is all on me.

If it's not working, change it, tweak it until it does.  I KNOW I'll find the right mix of everything. I KNOW I have the right tools.  I just need to get it all in check and stay focused.

The Friendly Comp

I did it.

I competed, completed 3 WODs, got judged, and honestly didn't have time to think through the whole thing, which lasted around 2 hrs.

The irony of doing this thing was that I didn't consciously make a real decision to participate. It just sort of happened.  Had I thought about it at all, I would have said no. I don't like competition. I like being a spectator of competitions, but it's a very uneasy and nervous feeling for me.

Irony = A second place finish in the Women's Scaled Division with a partner who wasn't in it to compete, either, and is very new (like a month) in to Crossfit.  She was stellar! Such a rockstar! It was fun to do that with a partner.  I think she's a Crossfit natural.

So that's done, in the books, and I'm good with the accomplishment.

Things I learned:

* I can Push Press 115#s over my head.  Last I had logged, I was at 90#s. That's a 25# improvement.
* WODs that finish in just under 5 minutes are great!
* I still can't do lunges (boo!)
* 1-legged push ups are a whole new kind of push-up (take that, stupid toe!)
* Burpees still suck.  That's old news. Definitely not learned yesterday.
* I make the most ridiculous faces when I work out and they aren't even cute.  I need to wear a mask.
* I don't squat down as far as I thought I did, so I still need to work a bit more on that consistent depth thing.
* I will never have a "cute" workout pic. I don't even think those exist.
* Second place feels the same as any other place on the podium. I still laugh thinking that I actually ended up there.

Will I do it again?  Prob. not.

At least not in a public arena. Being judged in any capacity, regardless of ability or confidence, is one of the most crippling feelings ever.

It was friendly.  It was not un-fun, And I did it.

I keep forgetting...

Then I remember...

I have a freaking "competition" this weekend.

Okay, so it's not "competing" with strangers, with the general public watching and invited and everything, but it's a competition at our box.

I'm not really nervous about doing the work.  I'm nervous about being or appearing vulnerable.  About being watched by my peers. I never have really thrived on spectator attention. Being coached, encouraged as I finish last during a WOD, okay... but that's generally like 4 people.  There will be more there watching me finish last, or close to it, I'm sure.

We are competing against / with one another, as partners, and I don't know who my partner is yet... that'll be determined on Saturday morning, I guess, by our coaches.  And I already feel sorry for the person that gets paired with me. The last thing I want is to let my partner down, slow them down, make them finish way past what they deserve.

Then we get 3 WODs to do...  I've never done 2 WODs in a day, much less 3.

I just don't want to embarrass myself.

Fear of failure.

I had to learn how to fail on a 1 rep max. That wasn't a fun lesson. It was more fun to play it safe and be successful. It's always more fun to be successful and in control.

See, none of this is about strength.  This is all mental.

And I feel completely unprepared and insecure about every single element.

Injury, weight gain, modified movements b/c of said injury, etc...

It's a really mean cycle.

I guess for now, though, I'm going to try to not remember for a little bit and see what I can do to attack the WOD in front of me today...

I still have 2 full days to panic and remind myself not to vomit on Saturday.

Depth

I remember when we (okay, I) started doing squats, air squats, front / back, KB, anything that required me to drop my ass toward the floor, with or without equipment, I would see these frog squats and silently, in my head think "oh hell no".

Last night doing back squats, I'm still working back up to my pre-injury max, which was 170#s, I was at about 120 and one of the coaches comes by and says "You're getting a lot better depth in your squats.  Great work!"  I don't care who you are, when someone who is ridiculously good at breaking form down and really focuses on it gives you a compliment, that feels really good.

I have depth.

Who knew.

Feels like Friday... but...

It's only Thursday.

I think this week has been on of the toughest, as far as WODs are concerned.  SO many shoulders!!! And SO much running!!! It all feels extra heavy, but I feel like I'm finally getting my work out back...

Maybe it was stepping on the scale (I know, I know...blah).
Maybe it's getting those baby runs in on Saturday.
Maybe it was the longer 800m run on Monday.
Maybe it's having my food in order.
Maybe it's a little bit of all of that combined.

I dunno. I feel like my schedule is falling back in place and that's a really good feeling. What didn't feel so great is knowing what I weighed a month ago, getting on the scale this week and seeing that it'd gone up another lb and a few oz. My clothes aren't feeling very comfortable right now.  the back and arms thing, I know that's muscle related, but the pants being too tight, the jeans that feel like I'm encased like a sausage, the shirts that ride up, the saddle bags that seemingly have come back overnight, my self image and confidence have taken a hit and it's all my fault.

Today I wore leggings and a super slouchy loose knit sweater thing.  I lucked out that it's long and covers my bum.  I couldn't handle another day of wondering if I'd be able to wiggle out of my clothes.

I'm actually feeling pretty confident about the WOD tonight... it includes Weighted sit-ups, which is one of my faves... and let's be honest, I could really use the fluff help. One of these days, when I'm not hitting my gut with the barbell when I'm doing cleans, I'll think it's funny.

Right now, it's just depressing

Running "Jackie"

Honestly, I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I walked in to the box yesterday.  I'd seen the WOD posted, and saw the 800m run to kick it off...

This was after doing a 5x5 backsquat pre-WOD. (I'm still trying to work my way back up on that one...

That being said, legs were already going to be worked before I hit the concrete.

Row or Run.

That was my question.

What was going to leave me with enough gas in the tank to knock out 50 35# thrusters when I got done?

And THEN allow me to be consistent with the 30 assisted pull ups I still had on the table after the thrusters.

This was my first time meeting "Jackie", I think, so I didn't have a lot to go off of. I only knew "the foot" and that I'd just done my first set of 200m runs on Saturday that didn't bother me at all, so....

I ran the 800.

The fun thing is that it didn't totally suck. I actually made it to about the 600m point before I paused and walked a few steps before finishing it out.  It was so much easier to do than a 400.  I just think 400s are the WORST!

Those thrusters?  I did them in sets of 10 for the most part.  the last 2 sets, those were broke down into 5s.  I didn't feel like dying. THAT is a miracle! Thrusters are the worst lung burner ever. Imagine squishing your diaphragm and trying to breathe.  It just sucks. But at 35#s, manageable.

The pull-ups, though... I even used the bar w/ the grip on it, used the green w/ the black bands, and I still lost SO much time.  My height was consistent, (I think), but I kept feeling dizzy, and out of sync, so I had to keep resetting.

I finished in 14:06. It's a time that needs improvement, but it's a time that I'm okay with.  I've learned to allow myself a few moments of leniency. to adapt to the things I can, and not let the others weigh down my progress.  Every day I'm there, I'm getting stronger.

I've also been good and feel GREAT with getting my food back on track.  It seems like it's been months since I can confidently say that, and I'm sure it has been... I hate getting lazy, being lazy, and staying lazy... but I'm SO good at it...

touche'.

I start my next 24 day challenge on Monday, Feb. 2nd. I can't wait! I'm ready to get rid of the toxins, up my energy, sleep better, feel better, and lose a few lbs & inches along the way. I'll be sure to share results as I go along. 

ALLLL the Running!!!

The last time I ran in a WOD was Oct. 29, 2014.

I haven't run any, other than a jog from my door to the grass so Bella could sniff all the grass.

Today it was 200m x3.

Being mindful of putting equal pressure on my foot, a steady pace, not too fast (really, that's never been a problem, HA!), and leading with the left foot.

The weighted / overhead lunges are still a no go... I tried, but ended up subbing them out with weighted squats.  Not the same, but still working my legs. *YAY*

I'm still nervous about trying out the burpees, but I guess they will happen when my foot is 100% ready.  I'm not going to do anything too fast. That being said, I'm getting SO strong with my pushups.  My Triceps are going to be huge! HAHA!

Not really, but they feel like the size of baseballs when they're on fire.

It took me a while to get to the point where I didn't feel like 200 was going to kill me.  And 400s, haha, what a joke.  I didn't love the 400s before injury, and I don't think I will love them when I'm back on my game, but honestly, I'm appreciating every step more and I know when I need to pull back.

If I've learned anything in all of this ridiculousness, it's to listen to what my aches and pains are telling me and when it doesn't get better, pushing it just to be in the game won't do me any favors.

I'm SO lucky to have the coaches and the members around me that I do.  I know for a fact that if I'd had this happen on my own, I would have quit. I would have been so discouraged and I would have fallen back in to 2009 all over again.

So bring it on.

ALL the Running!!!

In case no one has told you lately...

I want YOU to know...

You are worth SO much more than you can ever imagine.

Trust me.



Few things break my heart more than seeing the friends I love and cherish devalue themselves or become blind to seeing their self worth;  compromising their core because they don't know or see how to change their circumstance, or maybe they don't think about it, it just becomes a 'fight or flight"...

Obviously, I'm not in that situation, but we've all been in and through things that we react first and respond to later, or maybe we don't respond at all, but deep down know we aren't in the right place.

Be strong enough to do what you need to do for you and those you love.
Be strong enough to make the best choices, not the easiest ones.
Be determined enough to pursue those things with complete abandon, regardless of what those around you think.
Do it because it's what is right for you, not just what is right now for you.
Don't sell me on your justifications. If it's the right thing, you won't feel like you have to.
Don't explain them.
DO them.

I don't judge you.
I choose to care.
I choose you to be in my sphere, near or far.
I'm influencing you, and I wouldn't be doing it correctly, or appropriately if I didn't encourage you to CHOOSE YOU!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have a friend who I know needs to see the above, which was my motivation for writing it.  Who knows, maybe you did, too. OR maybe you have someone who does?  If that's the case, don't be afraid to tell them.

This is what I do know... I struggle with choosing myself ALL THE DANG TIME!
I find myself wanting to choose things for others, and a lot of the time, I end up hurting myself, mentally, emotionally, bad diet, messy house, stress, fitness, other relationships / friendships, etc.

The balance is SO hard to achieve in living a good healthy life, being a good friend, a solid positive influence, and not forget about yourself, without sounding selfish. But I believe that sometimes being selfish is exactly the best thing and can bring some of the best moments, not just for you but for those around you, too.

I've skipped out on invitations to dinners, drinks, bar hops, out of town trips, concerts, painting classes, all kind of fun things, and made choices that were better for me, and thus allowing me to be better for my friends.  Sometimes there are those that don't understand it, and for them, well, their loss, honestly.

So don't forget to take care of yourself and in doing so, you'll help take care of those around you.

Paleo Baseline = Suck.

So each year we do our Paleo challenge, which comes with a Baseline WOD that we do on days 1 and 30.

I told you guys yesterday that I wasn't prepared, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that I was woefully unprepared. I just sucked.

My time and performance yesterday was so sub par compared to what I know I can do.  I just didn't have anything in the tank to get it done the way I wanted to.  Realizing that I have to work back up to things I was doing with ease before, switching from a 14lb wall ball to a 10 lb one, doing a green band pull up, wishing I'd used a green / black combo b/c my body weight felt like 2 tons, pulling the rower felt like I was never going to get to the end...

The only thing I did feel really good about was my bench press after the WOD was done.


The lesson:

A fellow crossfit friend called me last night after her Baseline WOD, and she was equally as frustrated with her performance.  I found myself giving her the advice I needed to hear myself.

We may not be where we want to be, we may be slow, we may be last, but we're ahead of where we were a year ago.

It comes down to this.

As a flute student, if I wanted to get better, I had to practice.  I took private lessons. I spent HOURS with just me and my instrument working on scales, breathing, noodling, transitions.  Micro-movements with my pinky finger.  Every single tiny element had to have focus and study in order for me to get better.  Just showing up and playing through the 30-45 mins in class each day wasn't going to make me a better flute player.  I had to be the student of my instrument, of my skill. That was on me.  I didn't get to be first chair because I was cordial.  I earned it by being a good student and knew my craft and my instrument.

The same thing goes for Crossfit.  Me showing up and working out each day isn't going to necessarily make me better, more efficient, more apt.  I have to practice even when I'm not there.  I have to take my own time to come in and work on the elements I want to get better at.

I want to run faster?  Practice running. Break down my movements. Focus on the short run.  Focus on my breathing.  Focus on how my foot rolls when I'm moving forward.

Every single tiny element makes a difference.  Transitions. Shoes. Arms. Shoulders. Tension (or lack there of)... Everything.

Break it down.

Get better.

I've got 29 days until we do this WOD again. I'm going to be working on the things I can do to improve my time.  I know I can do this and shave a good 5 mins off.

Goal set.

Getting my legs going again

Today the box is kicking off their 30 day Paleo challenge.  I'm participating, and doing my best to keep things on track, food wise.  I definitely need to track my food & stay accountable.

I'm not prepared at all.

I didn't go to the store yesterday. I don't have a lot of food at home, but I have a few things that can pass for paleo in the fridge / freezer, so I will do what I can and be mindful of it all.

The Paleo Baseline WOD is posted and ordinarily I'd be pumped to get it done, but after my foot issue, I don't know that I can actually push thru all of it, so I'll most likely end up doing a modified version with rowing instead of running, push ups and step ups instead of the burpee box jumps...

I want to run so bad, I just know I'm not ready for it... I need to work up to it a little bit more.

I'll show up today, and I'll do what I can.

Mentally, I'm just not in the game yet... I'm not prepared with the food, I haven't gone to the store, I don't have the funds to really do it yet...

But these are all excuses. I have to jump in and make this work the best I can.

I refuse to be the same as I was last year.

More Samantha, Less Charlotte

It struck me today, during a text convo w/ a girlfriend, wondering if the new designer brand purse she bought was too big, that we (women) seem to shy away from going "BIG", as in "bold", and when is that appropriate, or okay to do, like maybe we're afraid to offend or come off as showboats or braggarts.

I think I'm pretty balanced when it comes to doing that... being bold.  It's something that I've had to learn, because it doesn't necessarily come easy to me; to do something to draw attention to myself, and I often find myself apologizing for it when it's really not necessary to do so.

Luckily, I've been ridiculously blessed with new friends in the past couple of years who have taught me that there's grace in being bold, and that it really is okay. Friends that aren't afraid to take ridiculous & fun pictures, splurge on a whimsical purchase, go on a random trip because we can, wear bright red lipstick, and obnoxious amounts of animal print, be the fun group, not the quiet group... you know the kind of girls I'm talking about.  The "Sex in The City" group you see walking down the street... Some days I really do feel more like the "Charlotte", wishing I could let it go and be more "Samantha", even a "Carrie" is good, too and it's doable with the right friends walking with me.

Maybe this is just all in my head, trying to balance being polite and being excited and proud to wear a new dress, drive a new car, show off my latest Kendra Scott piece(s), share my latest accomplishment in the gym, etc...

Maybe it's because I'm staring at 40 in the face and I'm a little sad about all the things I've not done, and don't really see happening that I somehow expected by this point, letting go of those expectations, and having a quiet exit, stage right...

But the times I remember to do this, to be bold, and maybe a little obnoxious when I let my guard down, I have fun.

It's okay to be proud.
It's okay to be loud.
It's okay to be bold.
It's FUN to be fancy.

You can do all of this and be graceful.

Just balance it out and find the girlfriends who show you how.

Quality: Focus 2015

I always seem to find myself focusing on something, a theme or vision, every time the new year comes around.  Maybe because my birthday happens at the same time.  Maybe because I visit with family and exchange cards and gifts with people I don't see nearly enough.  Maybe because I have some kind of hope that things can get better, and maybe some day I won't have to feel so defensive all the time, and might actually let my walls down.

Maybe I just want more.

I think it's healthy to want more.  Not necessarily stuff, but goals, dreams, wishes, hope... It's all pretty open ended.

Last year I kept coming back to "authentic"... real people, real food, real relationships... authentic, not fake. I think I did pretty good.

A few years ago, the Prayer of Jabez was a big deal. I was focused on expanding my territory, impacting others positively, broadening my sphere of influence.

This year, it's Quality.

Quality Time
     with 
Quality People
     in
Quality Relationships
     having 
Quality Conversations
     doing
Quality Things
     eating
Quality Food.

Quality workout efforts. - No half-assed "just to get it done" 
Quality purchases.
Quality products.

Quality.

My standards are high.

I've asked my facebook and twitter connections for feedback on what they think of when they see the word "Quality".  It can be a thing, a feeling, a perception, whatever they want it to be.  If you read this and we aren't connected "IRL", comment here. 

Be empowered, 
Hold your standards high, 
Be satisfied.

Have quality.

Happy 2015 to you! I can't wait to see what's ahead for each one of us.


     

2014 Out.

The breakdown of 2014

210.

The number of WODs I completed in 2014.  My last WOD of the year.

59

The number of weeks I've been to crossfit since I started in Oct. 2013.

4
The fourth WOD of the week


I'm not sure what I thought I'd feel when I hit that number, or even what number I expected to hit, but this is it... this is what I did in a year. I'm content with it.  365 days. I lifted, ran, pulled up, sweated and gained for 210 of them.  So that is what it is... My only goal in that regard, for next year, is to match it, or beat it, but have a balance between gym, work, and life, too.

It's been interesting, this full year of crossfit.
I've learned that I really do love having the barbell in my hands.
I felt the pause at the top of what will lead to me achieving a "Toes2Bar".
I hit the 100# bench press.
I've gained the weight I wanted to lose.
I've worked out through an injury, that still isn't healed 100%.
I've made some of the best new friends that I'm so fully blessed and happy to have.
I've cried.
I've been defeated by a jump rope.

I didn't quit.

One thing I did quit was a 20 yr habit that I needed to quit. I let go of the guilt of feeling like a health fraud, always trying to hide and hoping no one could tell, being cautious of who knew and guarding myself against who didn't. It's been liberating.

I'm thinking of the things I want to accomplish in the gym in 2015 and the list is hard to narrow down.  Then again, why should it be limited?  I've accomplished more things than I ever had on my list last year.  I've also left a few things on the list and those I'll carry over to this year. I know they are achievable, it's just going to take me a little longer to reach them.

Here's what I've got so far:
Toes 2 Bar
95# Power Clean
Double Unders - Full WOD
Unassisted Pull Up
20 in. box jump
Run. Run. Run.


I'm sure the list will grow and still will be grossly incomplete when I come back to revisit this next December, but as long as I keep achieving, keep reaching and keep setting goals, I'll be okay.

Diet needs adjusting, and it's being looked at and prepped. I want more tone, I want less fat. I want less weight on my frame and I want smaller sizes in my clothes. I want to get over the hump, and I want people to look at me and know I workout. There's a respect that comes with that appearance and as shallow as that sounds, I want it.


2015 is happening, regardless of how I feel about it, so I might as well have a few things on my plate that I can try to reach. And I don't have to depend on anyone other than myself to see them happen.

Crossfit: Jane Fonda Style.

I'm over in a corner doing my little leg lifts with a stability ball, working my core (much needed! SO fluffy), doing strict dumbbell press, high reps, low weight, here's hoping for more tone... 

Meanwhile, my box-mates are running, lifting heavy shit, doing squats, lunges, jumping rope, landing on boxes....

I'm really trying to find the up side to this whole "being injured" thing... I know there are a lot of things to be grateful for, but the reality of my reality is humbling. 

My coach(es) are patient and helping me SO much.  We've had private meetings to plan a course of action, coming up with movements that I CAN do, creating WODs, coaching me privately, taking the time to help me stay on some kind of course and achieve the things I can, texting to see how I'm doing, when I'm coming in, how the previous workout was, etc... 

It's difficult to not think about the things I can't do.  Even the smallest movements like a plank.  Nope, can't do it. I can't bend my toe. Lunge? Nope.  Squat?  Nope. 

And finding ways to work my glutes, or my legs, without impacting or my right foot... ugh. ugh ugh ugh. 

Y'all, I'm frustrated.  It doesn't feel better. I can still feel the inflammation even when I'm sitting still, doing nothing. This stupid boot, off. on. off. on. Like the Wax on, wax off. I can't drive in it, so every time in and out of the car... And trying to wear it in the gym seems like a horrible idea, but I'm thinking I will be in trouble if I don't start doing that, so I guess I'm going to be lame and strap the stupid thing on, and try to not let it interfere with the little that I CAN do... 

I want to find a way to rehab this and not let it keep me down.  Part of me is not so much scared, but sad at the possibility that I will have to quit what I've been able to do.  My whole method of fitness and confidence in what I've achieved, what milestones I've hit, and those goals I've set for the future... all of this is questionable. 

This is the saddest part of it.  The uncertainty. 

Hearing the "this is one of the hardest things to come back from... it's one of the hardest to heal... you'll have to continually monitor this going forward b/c of they way your foot is constructed... cortisone shots will deteriorate the tissue around your bones..." ... all of these things are terrifying. Will I ever run with what little confidence I had before this?  These stupid bones are the SIZE OF GREEN PEAS! and they are affecting EVERYTHING! 

I go back in a week and I'm fully preparing myself for the shots.  

And I don't see it getting better before the end of the year... so yeah... 

I got the boot on Nov. 3rd.  

I'll be lucky to have it off by Jan. 3rd. 

2 Months. 8 weeks. Even then, if I'm lucky to get that off, I'll have to go super slow to get things back, if I even can. 

I still don't even have a good story to tell people when they ask. (And what's with all the strangers thinking that asking about what happened or making commentary is appropriate? I'm not pregnant. No, you can't touch it.  Why do you want to ask? Oh, just being nosy.  I hate, loathe, am super annoyed with nosy people.)  And the ones who just stare but don't offer to let the booted go ahead of them in the speedy checkout ... not that I would, but the offer would be nice instead of rushing to make sure you get your loaded buggy in line before the crippled boot gets up to the register. 

I. Am. Annoyed. 

1 Year down & Sesamoiditis

So I hit my 1 yr at CFOH.  There were congrats, Athlete of the Month recognition and a lot of really frustrating WODs, with the cherry on top being Sesamoiditis.

I'm in this ridiculously bulky and super inconvenient orthopaedic boot and I hate it.

hate it
hate it
HATE IT!

Today I'm about ready to chunk the damn thing and I'm supposed to be in it a minimum of  1.5 - 2 more weeks.

I'm grateful to have a coach that is helping me work on my upper body while I am restricted on what movements I can do.  I'm looking forward to upping my strength and am trying to find goals to set during my modifications.  I know for sure I want to reach my 100# bench press. I am honestly having a lot of fun trying new movements and adaptable ones that will translate in to what I can do on my own at home, and learning how to motivate myself.

I don't have a broken foot, I just have a really pissed off tendon.  I'm nervous for the long term effects of it, and how it's going to be when I jump rope, run, do box jumps... all things I struggle with and deep down, really do want to do better with.


I guess one good thing about this is that I'll be able to throw a good and heavy punch on the days I want to hit something.

Maybe I'll try that today.

Because !*#@$(&$#!

Rest Days

We need them. We've earned them. We should enjoy them. 

And I do.  When I remember to rest. 

This weekend was a little all over the place, physically, mentally, emotionally. 

I've perfected the art of over thinking, over analyzing, but it's all part of my defense mechanism and need to have structure, security, stability, and balance.  I guess it's a little hard to explain to those who don't thrive on that, but I know if I don't have control over these things, or possess them, I'm no good to myself or anyone I might come in contact with. It's paramount to avoid putting on blinders like a horse going through a parade.  Honestly, that's how I feel a lot of the time. And it's why I try to plan something on my rest days. It keeps me more accountable and gives me less time to think. 

Here's a mind dump that reared its head during my 2 days of "rest", when only one of them really was and only because I was basically riddled with anxiety over having to see or talk to anyone. Yesterday, it was just easier to be alone. Some days that's just needed. Usually for me, it's on Sundays and filled with HGTV or Snapped marathons.

1. I wish I could honestly ditch the whole Facebook thing. If it weren't for my Advocare team and business there, I would.  SO much judgement and mis-perception, by people that consider themselves to be "friends". That term has honestly lost its true meaning, just like "love" and "hate" have, too.  Overuse kills authenticity. 

2. Facebook is subjective. I don't share everything. I share a lot, but it's not everything. Most of the time, it's a way to look busy without people being nosy enough to ask questions.  

     ***That's another thing all together - people being nosy and people who are genuinely interested and want to or have invested in a friendship... ***

3. Yes, I'm proud of the progress I've made physically, but some days I'd take the peace I've lost over the smaller clothes.   Maybe some day that will change, but it's not right now. 

4.   I have goals. Crossfit and Advocare will help me achieve them, but the fear of failing internally is crippling. 

5. It's hard to walk in to a room filled with people you KNOW will be pleasant, sweet, endearing, complimentary, and say everything to build you up, and not know how to truly be gracious and not verbally vomit all over it. I miss the times when I could just "be" instead of "minding my mind". 

Call it anxiety, call it depression, call it being a girl, call it pathetic, I don't care. But for me, this is my reality. My rest day yesterday wasn't restful, it was more restless, and all I did was sit on the couch. 

Today I'm going back to the gym. The posted WOD seems achievable, even if I'm not feeling so strong. 

Where have I Been???

Honestly, no where, really, other than the gym 5x / week, and watching a ridiculous amount of Texas Rangers Baseball (Hooray for both!!!)

I'm not necessarily making great strides as I was a few months ago, but I haven't been tracking as well as I should be either.

***Note to self - start using the app you paid for to track your Crossfit efforts... Heck, even write it down in a note.  Just track it.

Things I can say that I have improved on:

• Upping my weights on lifts, cleans, jerks, snatches, etc. 
• Up to 16 inches on the jumps full wod, but still not on the box. The box is like kryptonite!  My coach says I'll hit 20 in. by the end of the summer... well he says I can hit it now, but I set the "end of summer" goal. ;) 
• Push ups - still using my knees for full wod, but I'm cleaner and faster
• Burpees - pulling my feet in together instead of jumping them up apart on a more consistent basis
• Jump Rope - I'm faster with higher reps before tripping, definitely more confident. Now working on jumping higher to get my DUs going, vs just doing one at a time (softer landing) 
• Distance I run
• Endurance

Things I still want to improve on:

• Distance I run
• Speed - running and AMRAPs for a WOD - be more of the middle of the pack than the end of it... 
• Get to where I encourage more, instead of being the one receiving the encouragement - b/c most of the members are already done and I'm pulling up the caboose. 
• Get to the Green band pull ups
• Consistent DUs
• Get on the damn box. 

There's more, but that's what I have in the immediate future.  I like the training, I like the strength training, I don't like the running or burpees, or frog jumps (or whatever those things were, but I suck at jumping).

I'm noticing new and more defined muscles, but a little concerned with the shoulder / neck muscles that I've started to notice. I just don't want to look like a thick necked body builder. I'd prefer "svelte" (is that even a word anymore?) Excited for the tone in my biceps, looking forward to seeing more of my triceps, and good grief, can I just go ahead and get rid of the belly jelly already? I think that's the hardest thing to work on, but I know my core is getting stronger. Everything is.

I'm stuck at the the same weight plateau, and can't seem to buy myself out of the 170s. it's maddening. But there's no way I'm going to set myself up for eliminating a food group (dairy, wheat, grains, etc.), too many weddings and festivals coming up / going on.  So I'll focus on cutting out as much processed as possible, and prepare for my next 24 day challenge in June.  I need to be more prepared than I was for the last one. I got results, but they weren't what I wanted. Nowhere near it. 

So here's to achieving goals, breaking a plateau, the good times ahead, and hopefully a good tan. 

I'm ready for the sun. 

Oh, and GO RANGERS!!! ***CLAP, CLAP***CLAP,CLAP,CLAP***