Was once a Butler...

This morning, I was on the phone with my mom as I was driving to work.  Just catching up after the weekend, as is a pretty usual thing...

I got a text message from my older brother ( I have an older sister, too)... we all have the same dad, they have the same mom, and my younger sister and I have the same mom...

Anywho...

My younger sister and I haven't been close with that side of the family in a very long time.  A tumultuous divorce and ignored custody, alcoholism and mental / physical abuse by our biological dad, my mom always let us make the choice on how much of a relationship we had with him.  After years of 1 child support check, mailbox birthday cards (not mailed, but the effort to drop off and not see us), beer over bonding and sheer fear of what he would do when... we let him go.  We chose not to pursue that relationship.  He chose not to try.

When we each turned 18, we went to court and had our name changed to that of the man who was our father, the man who raised us, loved us, and was more of a father than any DNA could pre-determine.  We became Meauxs.

Younger sister and I had been lead back to a part time relationship with our older siblings via a high school friend, and email, facebook, etc.  So we've been in touch, just haven't seen each other very much.

Oh, back to the text from the brother... So he texts us that our grandmother from dad's side had passed away last night.  I knew she was in poor health, so in the regard that she's at peace is comforting.  He'd mentioned before that she had told him that she wanted to see us again, and I'm sure she did.  Knowing that she was still his mother, I didn't trust that she wouldn't betray, or tell him something about me.

I don't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing me, knowing an ounce of anything about me.

My cousins, who live in Arizona, will be coming in for the service.   One of the younger ones reached out to my sister and I today, asking if we would be there, as they would all like to see us and still love us, and have missed knowing us.   We are all connected on Facebook, so we've been able to get to know them on some level there.

It would be so good to see them, and be around them, I'm just hesitant because of him.

I know this will sound harsh, but it would be so much easier if he weren't around... The day he doesn't exist anymore will find me sighing a huge sigh of relief.  I won't ever have to wonder if he will have a moment of trying to find me, showing up on my doorstep, and having a moment of crazy... Hell, he could have that moment of crazy if we show up, I have no idea...

So I'm crossing my fingers I get to see my cousins and siblings, paying my respects to my grandmother on my own time, and not during the service. I don't think I am at that point... it's a shame, really...

But I used to be a Butler.