Well Damn...

It happened.  I knew it had. I decided I needed to see it to really give it the reality it is.

I'm back up over 200.

No, my food isn't where it needs to be.

No, my gym time isn't on point, and way more sporadic than it's been in 2 years.

Yes, my stress level is higher than it's been in ages.

No, I'm not happy about it.

I still feel like part of my body is betraying everything I've tried to do to "fix" it.  But I feel lame if I use that as any kind of reason for this.

At my lowest, since starting my weight loss and healthy effort, I got down to 168.  I just knew I could get down to the 150s and be even better.  I JUST KNEW IT.

Instead, over the past 3 years I've put it all back on.  Yes, some of you will tell me it's muscle.  And you're right.  BUT I haven't put on 40 lbs of muscle.  I've gotten stronger, but I haven't gotten thin.

It's so disappointing to know that you can bust your ass, do SO much to make yourself better but you'll never get the payoff you've been begging yourself for for the past 5-7 years.

That's a long damn time to keep letting yourself down.

So just let me have my "mad" days.

I guess I won't be diving in to those Holiday treats at all.  I sure as hell haven't earned them.