Was once a Butler...

This morning, I was on the phone with my mom as I was driving to work.  Just catching up after the weekend, as is a pretty usual thing...

I got a text message from my older brother ( I have an older sister, too)... we all have the same dad, they have the same mom, and my younger sister and I have the same mom...

Anywho...

My younger sister and I haven't been close with that side of the family in a very long time.  A tumultuous divorce and ignored custody, alcoholism and mental / physical abuse by our biological dad, my mom always let us make the choice on how much of a relationship we had with him.  After years of 1 child support check, mailbox birthday cards (not mailed, but the effort to drop off and not see us), beer over bonding and sheer fear of what he would do when... we let him go.  We chose not to pursue that relationship.  He chose not to try.

When we each turned 18, we went to court and had our name changed to that of the man who was our father, the man who raised us, loved us, and was more of a father than any DNA could pre-determine.  We became Meauxs.

Younger sister and I had been lead back to a part time relationship with our older siblings via a high school friend, and email, facebook, etc.  So we've been in touch, just haven't seen each other very much.

Oh, back to the text from the brother... So he texts us that our grandmother from dad's side had passed away last night.  I knew she was in poor health, so in the regard that she's at peace is comforting.  He'd mentioned before that she had told him that she wanted to see us again, and I'm sure she did.  Knowing that she was still his mother, I didn't trust that she wouldn't betray, or tell him something about me.

I don't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing me, knowing an ounce of anything about me.

My cousins, who live in Arizona, will be coming in for the service.   One of the younger ones reached out to my sister and I today, asking if we would be there, as they would all like to see us and still love us, and have missed knowing us.   We are all connected on Facebook, so we've been able to get to know them on some level there.

It would be so good to see them, and be around them, I'm just hesitant because of him.

I know this will sound harsh, but it would be so much easier if he weren't around... The day he doesn't exist anymore will find me sighing a huge sigh of relief.  I won't ever have to wonder if he will have a moment of trying to find me, showing up on my doorstep, and having a moment of crazy... Hell, he could have that moment of crazy if we show up, I have no idea...

So I'm crossing my fingers I get to see my cousins and siblings, paying my respects to my grandmother on my own time, and not during the service. I don't think I am at that point... it's a shame, really...

But I used to be a Butler.

The verse that saved my life

"Now Faith is the Substance of things Hoped for and the Evidence of Things not Yet seen"

Hebrews 11:1

If you've been a reader or facebooker or twitter follower of mine for any length of time, you've more than likely seen this verse posted and mentioned before.  I can't even to begin to tell you how grateful I am for whomever wrote it in the book of Hebrews (could have been my main man (next to Jesus), Precious Paul, but it's not been decided upon by the scholars.)  That's not the important part, though.  Those words... wow... just read it again. Slowly.  I don't know what made me sit up and pay attention to that one verse when I saw it in a book, but wow... I'm so so so glad it did!

Still today, some 6 years later, there it is, and it's just as powerful for me now as it was then.  So much so, that on New Years Eve, I got the tattoo above done on the inside of my right wrist.  It's funny to realize that it's even more a part of me now than it was just an hour before it was done, and I'm not just talking about the "permanent" part on  my body.

It's no secret that I struggle with depression and insecurity somewhat frequently.  For someone like myself who is generally optimistic, depression and insecurity are pretty painful things.  Dark rooms, too many thoughts to process, too many tears to count, and an insane amount of things that can trigger it any time.

This verse saved my life.

There are two times in my life that I prayed for a means to an end.  It's not something I ever think is cool, and I now know that I was completely saved for a good reason or few. I think when I saw this in a book (and no, it wasn't the Bible,  yet a book about how we are all per-destined to be blessed), I finally got what God had been trying to tell me for SO long, but I was too sad, too blind,  and too deaf to hear anything He wanted to tell me.  Depression is a fickle beast!

Since that day, I've recognized the things He has blessed me with and a few things He hasn't just yet.  BUT I love that word "yet"... It doesn't mean "never"... it's merely an undefined amount of time, and in that time we have to trust and have that faith that God knows every inch of our hearts and our desires.  He wants to bless us in ways we can't even fathom or even begin to understand.  We cannot fulfill our own desires.  All of the blessings of answered prayers and those we still have yet to pray, that is our faith, that God will see to it that we receive those things in His time and in His terms.

The hardest thing I am focusing on this year is not the 50 lb weight loss I am striving to achieve, but it's to get my SELF out of the way and trust and have ultimate Faith that God has my life and my heart in His hands.

Seeing this on my wrist, every time I move my arm / hand, it's already making a huge difference in my thoughts and allowing me to enjoy more peace than I've had in, well, forever.

I hope this lets you in a little deeper and finds you smiling, knowing that God wants all of these things for you, too.  Have faith in Him.  He will continue to bless you, and He already has.

Happy New Year, 

~C~