This has nothing to do with crossfit, goals, fitness, wellness, healthy living, or anything other than what the title implies. No hidden message, agenda, or encouragement.
I don't enjoy my birthday anymore.
When I was young my parents did a great job of making me feel special on my day. I was always one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go to school. Presents, a special dinner, I had parties, sleepovers, pizza parties, skating parties, etc...
Then I got older.
21 was a chore, not a fun party.
25 was crap.
30 was liberating.
35 was "oh, I'm almost 40, but I still have time"
40 was devastating.
* This year I really tried to be better, to not cry, to not think about all the things I think about so often.
I feel like that's where I am this day every year.
I've realized a lot of things I dreamt of when I was younger were just dreams that would never happen. I had to let those go. It's the right thing to do. and I've done okay with that.
Most of the time.
And then this day comes around, I don't plan anything anymore. No one is ever around to do anything. If they are, they bail out (minus a very small few who step up and do everything to make me feel special). Most get busy, are traveling, have family plans, etc. So for someone who isn't traveling, who doesn't have a family, who isn't busy, it's one of the loneliest feelings and days of the year. Having New Years Eve the next day and spending that alone, too, well... yeah, there's that. But it's the reality. It IS what it IS. I can't change that.
I removed my day being listed on Bookface. I don't need 2381326 posts from people I never interact with and don't talk to. No one can post on my wall because it's on lockdown. I feel like it's a great day for people to stop by and be nosy, see what I've been up to. So no, I'll pass.
My sis put up a sweet post, which was appreciated, and also made me cringe. Every person that likes that and comments on it, okay great, whatever. Why do you care today? Because someone reminded you? Eh, meh... I'll pass on that, too. (not her, the likers and commenters)...
Look, it's a shitty time of year, a shitty season of me, and not something that I love. It gives me more anxiety than anything. So the faster the clock ticks today the better. I just want to get past it and go to bed. I want things back to normal. today isn't any different for me. People seem sad when I say this, but it's true. This date means absolutely nothing to me other than it's the date that will be on my birth cert, death cert, and headstone. That's it. I'm not being morbid. I don't have any reason to treat this day any different. I don't celebrate because there aren't many who can celebrate with me. I could throw a party, but no one would show up. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being real.
I'm not going to advertise for attention. I don't want the attention.
You wishes are sweet. I just don't need a post, a comment, a like, or anything really. I'm older. I hate it. My grace is falling and my give-a-damn is breaking.
I don't expect you to get it. I'd feel like an asshole asking you to. The only thing I can do is try to explain it.
#BirthdayOut.
Friday, December 30, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Thick.
Ladies,
Have you ever had a man comment on your size, figure, body, appearance? It's such a strange moment. It's even more strange when that comment / compliment is "thick". Example:
Let me tell you what men like. Men like a thick woman. You're thick". Me = spits out drink, not really but I could have if I had taken one. "Oh, that's nice. Well I never knew that. I'm glad you let me know".
Let me tell you what men like. Men like a thick woman. You're thick". Me = spits out drink, not really but I could have if I had taken one. "Oh, that's nice. Well I never knew that. I'm glad you let me know".
CRINGING!
Seriously, when did that ever become a thing and even a thing that women want to hear or is even remotely acceptable to say to anyone? "Honey, you're thick". That's awful. There's not one thing about that that would even make me consider hearing it as a nice thing.
I'm wearing the same jeans I wore yesterday and the day before, they're new, and they fit really well. I have an ass, I do my squats on the reg, and I squat heavy on occasion, too. I have thick thighs that I'm busting my "squat" ass to tone up, and get them smaller. I don't want them thick. I want them toned. I want them to be muscular. I want them to look like I can run and I can kick your ass. I probably wouldn't do either, but some asshole telling me I'm thick won't know that.
At first I was a little hurt. I was offended (still am). But I have thought about this for a couple of days now, and I've learned a few things:
1. I hate being called thick.
2. I'd most likely be uncomfortable with a stranger coming up and making any kind of unsolicited comment about my figure, ass, chest, outfit, appearance, etc.
3. I'd be more in to anyone who takes a notice to me coming to talk to me and engaging my mind, having a conversation about interesting topics. Using the mind is way more sexy than all the physical bullshit.
4. Apparently "Thick" is a compliment is some areas of the US, mostly culturally driven. I still don't understand how. That's like telling me right is left and left is right, and no no no, that's not true at all! Is this some kind of Seussical trickery? Mind Fuckery? That HAS to be it.
Y'all, now I'm just mad about the whole dang thing. How dare this guy? and I'm mad that I let this get to me at all.
The only thing I want thick is my steak.
And maybe my skin. Because let's face it, those with thin skin get hurt easier and let shit get to them. Hey, Hi, Hello.
good grief.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Society is a Bitch.
Let me explain.
This goes all the way back to when you were born. Your parents most likely had these really big dreams for you.
"What will she be?"
"She's so smart - she's mimicking my sounds."
"She can read really well - a third grade level as a 1st grader!"
"She's going to be so successful"
"She loves puppy dogs, I bet she'll be a vet"
"She's so good with kids, she's going to be a great mom"
"She in the top 25% of her class, she's practically a genius"
"She's a gorgeous girl. Her figure is so curvy and svelt."
You KNOW what I mean. Beauty shop talk. Think "Steel Magnolias" at Truvy's.
These perceptions and expectations that are put on us (boys / men, too) when we are just babies, growing up. This doesn't stop as we get in adulthood, either. Only we have a larger audience setting those expectations and creating those perceptions.
"Oh, she's changed jobs 3 times in 4 years. Why can't she keep a job? Why is she always looking for a new one? Why is she still single? I thought for sure she'd be married by now. Why doesn't she have kids? She would have been a great mom... "
On the other, less encouraging side is the "I wonder what's wrong with her that this, this, and this..."
So much of all of this talk that goes on around us, to us, about us... these things create the perceptions, opinions and expectations we often create for ourselves.
It's been something in the back of my mind for a while. All of the "why did I want to get married and have kids, a job, this life that I had growing up? Is it what I truly would need to be fulfilled and happy? Or is it what I knew and was comfortable with because I was raised to expect and want those things?"
Truth is, I don't even really know.
Today I think I've worked to have a better grasp of my being, purpose, and fulfillment.
This is what I want.
Time freedom to have the ability to help others, help myself, and keep grinding away toward optimal body composition, eating my way to a thriving metabolism while gaining more muscle and muscle tone. I may never have a 6 pack but it doesn't mean I won't quit working toward that finding happiness when / if I achieve it. And if I don't that's okay, too.
Peace about where I am in life instead of fearing the strong chance that I won't have a significant other to grow old with. This is something I struggle with, trying to discern my true heart's desire vs. what I've been taught to desire... but deep down I do want to connect with someone on a heart level. I also have to resolve that may not be in my cards. So I keep looking for peace around me, through my activities, my pursuit of heath, my friendships (which those alone have become more defined, true, and purposeful). When you don't have to try or mind your words around those you love, you know you are with the right friends.
Anyway... all this to say don't let what society dictates as successful, beautiful, fit, strong, smart, or anything else define you. Trust yourself enough to find that peace within your soul where you know you're doing the best you can with where you are and who you are. If you want things to change for the better, to have more of that peace, then go after it.
If you need someone to listen and offer up some encouragement, reach out to me. (Whomever, if anyone reads this anymore?)
do what you do for you.
I'm going to be working on completing my Eat To Perform Coaching Course by the end of this year. My hope is to be able to bless others with the knowledge and food freedom this program has given me. The peace I have with food, and no more "labels" other than "carbs, fats, proteins", is beyond liberating.
Society is a bitch. You don't have to be friends with her.
This goes all the way back to when you were born. Your parents most likely had these really big dreams for you.
"What will she be?"
"She's so smart - she's mimicking my sounds."
"She can read really well - a third grade level as a 1st grader!"
"She's going to be so successful"
"She loves puppy dogs, I bet she'll be a vet"
"She's so good with kids, she's going to be a great mom"
"She in the top 25% of her class, she's practically a genius"
"She's a gorgeous girl. Her figure is so curvy and svelt."
You KNOW what I mean. Beauty shop talk. Think "Steel Magnolias" at Truvy's.
These perceptions and expectations that are put on us (boys / men, too) when we are just babies, growing up. This doesn't stop as we get in adulthood, either. Only we have a larger audience setting those expectations and creating those perceptions.
"Oh, she's changed jobs 3 times in 4 years. Why can't she keep a job? Why is she always looking for a new one? Why is she still single? I thought for sure she'd be married by now. Why doesn't she have kids? She would have been a great mom... "
On the other, less encouraging side is the "I wonder what's wrong with her that this, this, and this..."
So much of all of this talk that goes on around us, to us, about us... these things create the perceptions, opinions and expectations we often create for ourselves.
It's been something in the back of my mind for a while. All of the "why did I want to get married and have kids, a job, this life that I had growing up? Is it what I truly would need to be fulfilled and happy? Or is it what I knew and was comfortable with because I was raised to expect and want those things?"
Truth is, I don't even really know.
Today I think I've worked to have a better grasp of my being, purpose, and fulfillment.
This is what I want.
Time freedom to have the ability to help others, help myself, and keep grinding away toward optimal body composition, eating my way to a thriving metabolism while gaining more muscle and muscle tone. I may never have a 6 pack but it doesn't mean I won't quit working toward that finding happiness when / if I achieve it. And if I don't that's okay, too.
Peace about where I am in life instead of fearing the strong chance that I won't have a significant other to grow old with. This is something I struggle with, trying to discern my true heart's desire vs. what I've been taught to desire... but deep down I do want to connect with someone on a heart level. I also have to resolve that may not be in my cards. So I keep looking for peace around me, through my activities, my pursuit of heath, my friendships (which those alone have become more defined, true, and purposeful). When you don't have to try or mind your words around those you love, you know you are with the right friends.
Anyway... all this to say don't let what society dictates as successful, beautiful, fit, strong, smart, or anything else define you. Trust yourself enough to find that peace within your soul where you know you're doing the best you can with where you are and who you are. If you want things to change for the better, to have more of that peace, then go after it.
If you need someone to listen and offer up some encouragement, reach out to me. (Whomever, if anyone reads this anymore?)
do what you do for you.
I'm going to be working on completing my Eat To Perform Coaching Course by the end of this year. My hope is to be able to bless others with the knowledge and food freedom this program has given me. The peace I have with food, and no more "labels" other than "carbs, fats, proteins", is beyond liberating.
Society is a bitch. You don't have to be friends with her.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
No Worries.
I say that often. "No worries."
Someone can't make an event? No worries.
Someone didn't text back right away? No worries.
Someone stepped on my toes? No worries. (as long as they acknowledge it ;) )
Facing not having a job?
Truth be told, I'm not so much "worried". Will there be time of uncertainty? Yes. Will money be tight? Yes. Will I have to cut out a few luxuries I've come to enjoy? Most likely.
There are a few worries, of course.
Will I be able to afford to stay in my apartment? I don't know. Depends on how long this lag is.
Will I be able to stick with my ETP Group Coaching?
Will I be able to afford to keep my membership with Crossfit?
These are all things paramount to me being successful and happy. I don't tie my happiness to them, but these all play a part in me being okay. I know I have a tendency to crawl in to a hole when things take a down turn. I know days get darker. I know this happens when the seasons change, too. I am making it a point to head any of these things off before I have a second of self doubt and a chance for depression to rear its ugly head.
I honestly don't feel that it will be long term, this employment pause. There are things I have wanted to do for myself and this will afford me the opportunity to do so. I will be able to take the time I need to organize and deep clean my apartment. I will have a flexible schedule. I have friends that I will be able to go help with things they need help with.
I can babysit, do odd jobs, paint, craft, clean, pack, move, dog sit, dog walk, That's all for money and other people.
For me, I can clean, organize, get to work on making card sets to sell, finish my ETP Coaching Certification course, start marketing for clients, tie that in with my Advocare business, and find fulfillment in helping others find a way to be comfortable and confident in their own skin and existence. Where that is through diet, exercise, both, tracking, macros, supplements, etc. I want to help. I feel like there's a whole group of people who have some how bought in to the myth of undereating equals being fit and thin, which is one of the biggest lies I ever believed. I don't want anyone else to ever suffer in that mindset and set themselves up for a continuous cycle of negative self talk and sabotage. Lord knows we have a whole society that does that, we surely don't need to help nor contribute to that.
I truly believe all of this will work out the way it is supposed to. To health, happiness, and no worries.
~C~
Someone can't make an event? No worries.
Someone didn't text back right away? No worries.
Someone stepped on my toes? No worries. (as long as they acknowledge it ;) )
Facing not having a job?
Truth be told, I'm not so much "worried". Will there be time of uncertainty? Yes. Will money be tight? Yes. Will I have to cut out a few luxuries I've come to enjoy? Most likely.
There are a few worries, of course.
Will I be able to afford to stay in my apartment? I don't know. Depends on how long this lag is.
Will I be able to stick with my ETP Group Coaching?
Will I be able to afford to keep my membership with Crossfit?
These are all things paramount to me being successful and happy. I don't tie my happiness to them, but these all play a part in me being okay. I know I have a tendency to crawl in to a hole when things take a down turn. I know days get darker. I know this happens when the seasons change, too. I am making it a point to head any of these things off before I have a second of self doubt and a chance for depression to rear its ugly head.
I honestly don't feel that it will be long term, this employment pause. There are things I have wanted to do for myself and this will afford me the opportunity to do so. I will be able to take the time I need to organize and deep clean my apartment. I will have a flexible schedule. I have friends that I will be able to go help with things they need help with.
I can babysit, do odd jobs, paint, craft, clean, pack, move, dog sit, dog walk, That's all for money and other people.
For me, I can clean, organize, get to work on making card sets to sell, finish my ETP Coaching Certification course, start marketing for clients, tie that in with my Advocare business, and find fulfillment in helping others find a way to be comfortable and confident in their own skin and existence. Where that is through diet, exercise, both, tracking, macros, supplements, etc. I want to help. I feel like there's a whole group of people who have some how bought in to the myth of undereating equals being fit and thin, which is one of the biggest lies I ever believed. I don't want anyone else to ever suffer in that mindset and set themselves up for a continuous cycle of negative self talk and sabotage. Lord knows we have a whole society that does that, we surely don't need to help nor contribute to that.
I truly believe all of this will work out the way it is supposed to. To health, happiness, and no worries.
~C~
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Sabotage
I am SO good at it. Let me tell you how.
I've been on this wellness / get healthier track for a long time. I'm sure I could trace it back to forever if I really thought about it and wanted to. all that to say, however, that all for but a couple of downward spirals when I honestly didn't care who or what or when or how, I've had a subconscious desire to be the best version of me. I hope that never changes.
My self confidence, however, has always been somewhat questionable. I go through phases of feeling amazing, wanting to look my best, attract the right people to surround myself with, etc. I think I've done a fairly good job at that, too, minus a few blind spots.
So that brings me to what led me to write this today.
The 30th of June I got down to 189.2 lbs. That may not be anything to someone who has no trouble living at 130 or so... I'm sure the perception of someone who is almost 190 - 200 lbs is a bit different than me, or maybe not... anywho, that's not my focus. I'm sharing my weight because I was PROUD of that. I've worked really hard to get to that point, tracking, counting, working out, being mindful. I earned it.
I shared my progress with everyone on my FB page, instagram, my ETP groups. I was celebrated a bit, which wasn't my intention - I honestly wanted to encourage others to keep fighting for themselves and not to be afraid of the hard work (because it's really not that hard when you have the right things in the right places). but people were commenting about my body changing to my face. It felt REALLY good. I'm not great at compliments and I don't love attention. I need some of both, I think we all do to some level, but these things have always been some sort of sabotage trigger for me. It gives me freedom and some twisted lack of discipline. I don't understand it, nor can I diagnose what drives my mind switch, but I get some kind of permission to "let go".
So that's what I did.
Two weekends ago, July 4th weekend, I was a bit gluttonous with my food, didn't track much that weekend, and I was back up to 194 the morning of July 4th. I thought "if I'm really good this week, I'll just drop right back down to where I was".
That was a lie I told myself.
Sabotaged again.
Then I had a "fat reality check" when I noticed my numbers were wrong in my food tracker. This meant I had been over eating my fats for a good two weeks, and not getting enough carbs. This messed with my head, led to confusion and disappointment for me. I used this as another excuse to sabotage and not take accountability for what was happening on the scale.
I worked my way down to 191 Friday morning. I was making up some ounces, progress. Again, my mind thinks "eh, I'll be able to wing it this weekend.. it'll be fun. I don't need to micromanage my food. I'll be in control."...
Another Sabotage.
This past weekend - I wouldn't have traded any of my time and fun with some of my closest friends for ANYTHING - I should have been more diligent and mindful of my food choices. I was beyond gluttonous. I can't tell you all of what I ate and drank. I can tell you it was all too much of this, too little of that, and I still feel disgusting for most of it (except for the sushi b/c THAT was the best!)
I met Monday morning with a bit of disorientation, exhaustion, and another fat check on the scale at 194.6. I knew it wouldn't be great, and honestly, I'm a bit surprised it wasn't worse.
I'm disappointed in myself. I'm letting myself down. I know I won't ever get to my goal of 18-20% body fat (living range I want to be at when I hit my ultimate goal), with these different lies and moments of sabotage. I need to be better. I need to believe in myself more. I can't keep losing the same 5 lbs.
I need to do this for me.
I've been on this wellness / get healthier track for a long time. I'm sure I could trace it back to forever if I really thought about it and wanted to. all that to say, however, that all for but a couple of downward spirals when I honestly didn't care who or what or when or how, I've had a subconscious desire to be the best version of me. I hope that never changes.
My self confidence, however, has always been somewhat questionable. I go through phases of feeling amazing, wanting to look my best, attract the right people to surround myself with, etc. I think I've done a fairly good job at that, too, minus a few blind spots.
So that brings me to what led me to write this today.
The 30th of June I got down to 189.2 lbs. That may not be anything to someone who has no trouble living at 130 or so... I'm sure the perception of someone who is almost 190 - 200 lbs is a bit different than me, or maybe not... anywho, that's not my focus. I'm sharing my weight because I was PROUD of that. I've worked really hard to get to that point, tracking, counting, working out, being mindful. I earned it.
I shared my progress with everyone on my FB page, instagram, my ETP groups. I was celebrated a bit, which wasn't my intention - I honestly wanted to encourage others to keep fighting for themselves and not to be afraid of the hard work (because it's really not that hard when you have the right things in the right places). but people were commenting about my body changing to my face. It felt REALLY good. I'm not great at compliments and I don't love attention. I need some of both, I think we all do to some level, but these things have always been some sort of sabotage trigger for me. It gives me freedom and some twisted lack of discipline. I don't understand it, nor can I diagnose what drives my mind switch, but I get some kind of permission to "let go".
So that's what I did.
Two weekends ago, July 4th weekend, I was a bit gluttonous with my food, didn't track much that weekend, and I was back up to 194 the morning of July 4th. I thought "if I'm really good this week, I'll just drop right back down to where I was".
That was a lie I told myself.
Sabotaged again.
Then I had a "fat reality check" when I noticed my numbers were wrong in my food tracker. This meant I had been over eating my fats for a good two weeks, and not getting enough carbs. This messed with my head, led to confusion and disappointment for me. I used this as another excuse to sabotage and not take accountability for what was happening on the scale.
I worked my way down to 191 Friday morning. I was making up some ounces, progress. Again, my mind thinks "eh, I'll be able to wing it this weekend.. it'll be fun. I don't need to micromanage my food. I'll be in control."...
Another Sabotage.
This past weekend - I wouldn't have traded any of my time and fun with some of my closest friends for ANYTHING - I should have been more diligent and mindful of my food choices. I was beyond gluttonous. I can't tell you all of what I ate and drank. I can tell you it was all too much of this, too little of that, and I still feel disgusting for most of it (except for the sushi b/c THAT was the best!)
I met Monday morning with a bit of disorientation, exhaustion, and another fat check on the scale at 194.6. I knew it wouldn't be great, and honestly, I'm a bit surprised it wasn't worse.
I'm disappointed in myself. I'm letting myself down. I know I won't ever get to my goal of 18-20% body fat (living range I want to be at when I hit my ultimate goal), with these different lies and moments of sabotage. I need to be better. I need to believe in myself more. I can't keep losing the same 5 lbs.
I need to do this for me.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Always a long time....
Y'all...
Seriously...
I really do like writing here. I don't know why I always lag between my posts. I don't know what I wrote about last. Today, I'm in an okay-ish place. I'm not complaining, I'm not going to be a cheerleader word vomiting all the great things you don't need to hear from me to get your own ish straight.. I'm just gonna let my mind go for a hot second...
Read it with me?
ETP (Eat to Perform):
This is going really well. 6 months in and I feel more confident with myself, my mind, my body, my crossfit efforts than I have in a time frame I can't begin to pin down. The community is as big a part of this as the actual food part. Group coaching has been an afforded blessing, keeping me on some kind of track, even when I'm not tracking my best. I liked my first coach, and recently changed to a new one who I feel is an even better fit. She's forged a path I'm excited to follow and hopefully reach my results. If I can be half the success she is, THIS possibility is exciting.
I have also signed up to take the ETP certification course, and I'm eager to learn so much more about what ETP is, how it words on a macro/micro level, and see if there are doors that might open there for me to help people reach their goals. My sister has recently joined the program and I am SO excited to see what she will accomplish with this, too. There IS power in numbers and it's so much more fun to do it with friends and family than to go it alone.
Boats:
One of my sweet and best girls and family recently moved and have graciously taken me out on the lake for the past couple weekends. I honestly had no idea how therapeutic this has been for me. I feel like I have been re-centered a bit. I've been craving beach time and a WPB, FL trip for so long, desperate for it, even. These little day outings have put that at bay for now, and given me a really sweet time to breathe and just be. Even with the 123036789084 things they have going on, they have shown friendship and grace, invited me to be a part of their family, and treated me as nothing less. I honestly think that's been a huge part of it, too. With so many bittersweet and chaotic things going on with my own family, it's been a treat to have those moments and allowances to just "be".
Crossfit:
Back to running and other basics.
It seems like it's taking me forever to really get my legs back in good working order. Injury upon injury, back to back to back, basically. Right foot, left ankle, left calf... let's not forget to mention the shins what tried to do all the work and getting too tight for much of anything, too. I mean mercy! BUT I'm slowly coming out of those things, and making them work again. I know it's silly to celebrate, esp. when you aren't much of a runner at all in the first place, but damn... Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to. Let's read that again...
Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to.
It's still not my favorite, but I will take running over any day of not being able to do so. I've also started working burpees back in to the mix. Those still suck and I didn't miss not doing them, even though I know I need to for a multitude of reasons I'm not going to go in to here (because there are really that many of them), but the fact that I actually can get both legs back up at once, in a wide stance, I feel like the movement is much more fluid. I'm spending a lot of time doing more lifting and building muscle. My form is being broken down in to more macro movements, working on getting things right and solid so I can start adding in more substantial weight to work with. My biggest obstacle, other than anything gymnastics or speed / endurance, is getting under the bar. For some reason my body thinks I need to muscle up everything with my arms. :-P
Overall it's going really well. I'm having fun and continually hitting new milestones. I finally hit my sub 2 minute 500m row, so that felt pretty amazing.
Job:
This one is weird. I was about 60% certain I was going to be losing my job July 1st. somehow it was extended to September 3rd. I'm hopeful there is a place for me post project with the same team, as the installs slow and halt, to do follow up and post deployment work with one of my team members here. I am going to be spending time in August to look for other opportunities, however. I am at the point, financially, that I need to stay close to my current pay rate, put more and more aside to try and buy a home next year. I need stable and steady employment to do so. So we shall see. I finally have a supervisor who is invested in seeing me succeed, providing me opportunities to prove myself and work with the other teams, strengthening my skill set and allowing me to have my hands in the dough, if that makes sense. Somewhat encouraging and I'm thankful for her.
I'll try to do better updating more here on a more regular basis. It's as good for me to do as it is to satisfy those of you who are nosy ;) (I'm nosy, too... I'm a blogger, I get it....)
Cheers!
Seriously...
I really do like writing here. I don't know why I always lag between my posts. I don't know what I wrote about last. Today, I'm in an okay-ish place. I'm not complaining, I'm not going to be a cheerleader word vomiting all the great things you don't need to hear from me to get your own ish straight.. I'm just gonna let my mind go for a hot second...
Read it with me?
ETP (Eat to Perform):
This is going really well. 6 months in and I feel more confident with myself, my mind, my body, my crossfit efforts than I have in a time frame I can't begin to pin down. The community is as big a part of this as the actual food part. Group coaching has been an afforded blessing, keeping me on some kind of track, even when I'm not tracking my best. I liked my first coach, and recently changed to a new one who I feel is an even better fit. She's forged a path I'm excited to follow and hopefully reach my results. If I can be half the success she is, THIS possibility is exciting.
I have also signed up to take the ETP certification course, and I'm eager to learn so much more about what ETP is, how it words on a macro/micro level, and see if there are doors that might open there for me to help people reach their goals. My sister has recently joined the program and I am SO excited to see what she will accomplish with this, too. There IS power in numbers and it's so much more fun to do it with friends and family than to go it alone.
Boats:
One of my sweet and best girls and family recently moved and have graciously taken me out on the lake for the past couple weekends. I honestly had no idea how therapeutic this has been for me. I feel like I have been re-centered a bit. I've been craving beach time and a WPB, FL trip for so long, desperate for it, even. These little day outings have put that at bay for now, and given me a really sweet time to breathe and just be. Even with the 123036789084 things they have going on, they have shown friendship and grace, invited me to be a part of their family, and treated me as nothing less. I honestly think that's been a huge part of it, too. With so many bittersweet and chaotic things going on with my own family, it's been a treat to have those moments and allowances to just "be".
Crossfit:
Back to running and other basics.
It seems like it's taking me forever to really get my legs back in good working order. Injury upon injury, back to back to back, basically. Right foot, left ankle, left calf... let's not forget to mention the shins what tried to do all the work and getting too tight for much of anything, too. I mean mercy! BUT I'm slowly coming out of those things, and making them work again. I know it's silly to celebrate, esp. when you aren't much of a runner at all in the first place, but damn... Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to. Let's read that again...
Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to.
It's still not my favorite, but I will take running over any day of not being able to do so. I've also started working burpees back in to the mix. Those still suck and I didn't miss not doing them, even though I know I need to for a multitude of reasons I'm not going to go in to here (because there are really that many of them), but the fact that I actually can get both legs back up at once, in a wide stance, I feel like the movement is much more fluid. I'm spending a lot of time doing more lifting and building muscle. My form is being broken down in to more macro movements, working on getting things right and solid so I can start adding in more substantial weight to work with. My biggest obstacle, other than anything gymnastics or speed / endurance, is getting under the bar. For some reason my body thinks I need to muscle up everything with my arms. :-P
Overall it's going really well. I'm having fun and continually hitting new milestones. I finally hit my sub 2 minute 500m row, so that felt pretty amazing.
Job:
This one is weird. I was about 60% certain I was going to be losing my job July 1st. somehow it was extended to September 3rd. I'm hopeful there is a place for me post project with the same team, as the installs slow and halt, to do follow up and post deployment work with one of my team members here. I am going to be spending time in August to look for other opportunities, however. I am at the point, financially, that I need to stay close to my current pay rate, put more and more aside to try and buy a home next year. I need stable and steady employment to do so. So we shall see. I finally have a supervisor who is invested in seeing me succeed, providing me opportunities to prove myself and work with the other teams, strengthening my skill set and allowing me to have my hands in the dough, if that makes sense. Somewhat encouraging and I'm thankful for her.
I'll try to do better updating more here on a more regular basis. It's as good for me to do as it is to satisfy those of you who are nosy ;) (I'm nosy, too... I'm a blogger, I get it....)
Cheers!
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
130 Days of Changes
130 days.
11.6 lbs down
14.8 lbs of lean mass added
10.8% body fat lost.
14.8 lbs of lean mass added
10.8% body fat lost.
Eating all the food. Logging it, too.
#Consistent #Accountable #Committed
#ETP #EatToPerform
#Consistent #Accountable #Committed
#ETP #EatToPerform
This may not be fast, but it's forever good for me. And that feels REALLY REALLY good.
I posted that on Facebook, and wanted to make sure I remembered it and had a place to find it in 70 days or so.
This morning I felt confident. I didn't feel shame, or wish I looked different, or think negative until I thought about it. Up until this point, it was my default. It was the first thing I saw, something negative... my knees are too flabby, my stomach is huge, my arms look fat... The negatives are easier to see. I NEED positive. I NEED confidence. All of that put together, with a pretty package, I would want to date myself... haha, kidding... sorta?
My mom this past weekend (we were there packing and moving more stuff), make conversation about realizing I may end up being alone going forward, and it's something I have to, and do consider, of course, but bless, WHY does it need to be said? I'm grown, I'm okay, and I'm doing all of this work now so I can live later. I'm not giving up on me. I don't want to be riddled with arthritis and not able to be active in 30 years. I wanna be the old lady who still shows up and gets my work done at the gym.
I've been doing a little mini-cut for the past 3 weeks, going in to the Bach party weekend next week, and my body has responded really well. I've lost a couple lbs, toned up a bit, and my lifting efforts aren't necessarily doing fantastic, but that's to be expected. I've been working on some gymnastics movements, high reps, low weights. The programming has helped me a ton right now, too.
My plan for the next few months are as follows:
Mini cut up until 5/19
Eat as I can, mindfully 5/19-5/31
June 1st - July 28 - PFFL (Performance Focused Fat Loss)
June 28-Aug 1 - Wedding in Louisiana
Aug. 2 - 12/31 - Eat at normal macros for 5 mos.
2017 - PFFL for 12 weeks.
Crazy, huh? 2016 is half way over and the other half is going to fly by. I definitely like and need a plan to be successful. I can't wait to see what the next 70, 170, 270, days hold. I love feeling successful in a plan I've worked on myself.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Spring Cleaning (Of Sorts)
Man, I really suck at updating this thing regularly.
Here's the Skinny:
Since Feb. 18th (last update),
WORK:
I've been moved out of my role and in to a new one at work. The new one has greater reward, where I have an opportunity to feel like a true contributor to the success of the project, which is great. However, with this, my opportunity for employment has been taken away as the new role is contract only, with a hard stop at then end of October. I've also been told that my role and employment on this project has now become a month-to month status, where I am reviewed and the need for my presence is looked at as such. So they could cut me at any time. There's also been tension, frustration, condescending passive aggressive behaviors and emails, ... so much so that I'm at the point of looking for new opportunities, but not leaving this one until something else comes my direction. Praying for something sooner than later, all for a bit of breathing room and peace of mind. Security would be a bonus. I don't remember the last time I had that, career wise.
BODY:
It's been a good first 3 months of the year, as far as my body comp and changes go. A lot of this is attributed to ETP, the coaching staff there, my understanding of the importance in logging all of my food every single day, and my crossfit community and coaches allowing me to do a little bit of customization and support.
None of this is a fast change. However, this will be a permanent and lifelong change. I am losing fat. I am gaining muscle. I am eating to fuel my workouts. It's WORKING!!! So far I've lost over 10 lbs of fat, added almost 10 lbs of muscle, and I'm hitting PRs like crazy. Prime example: My Deadlift max is listed at 225#s. Not some small little number. A week ago, I deadlifted that weight 5x in a row. It'll be interesting to see what my new number is. 250? 260? 270? No matter what it is, I'm having fun. Strong is fun.
HOME:
I'm finally getting things in some kind of order. Nearly a year later, the craft room / guest room is coming together to be an actual working studio. I've got more work to do, but the vision is coming together. My master closet, well, it's not functional for me. Things have their place, but it's not how I want it to be. Minus the fact that my size is all over the place, I'm not sure what fits my arms and shoulders anymore. It looks like I'll be trying on and tossing out quite a few things in the next month or so. Good and bad. Can I just live in workout clothes? That would be the best.
FAMILY:
This stuff is still heavy heavy... My grandad isn't doing well at all. To the point of any nutrition or drinking anything is questionable most days. My dad is there with him and my g'ma this week until his sister comes in this weekend. The 4 siblings are doing well at taking turns loving on them and being there best they can. They can't be alone right now. I'm heartbroken for what they're going through. Keep them, and all of us, in your prayers, as things are certain to take a turn at any time.
*Update* My grandfather passed away this morning. We are heartbroken for our loss, and relieved that he's no longer suffering and in pain.
We are also trying to find the best way to share this with my other g'ma who is suffering from dementia, but needs to be told in some way about all of this.
My folks are already in the midst of a move, packing, transporting, taking things that can be taken. Having been there this past week, I am absolutely astonished and sad at how much is still left to do. There's hardly been a dent in progress. I'm going back up there in a couple weeks to help some more. Hopefully this time, with my sister being there, we can get a ton of stuff done and speed up this process for them more. I know my dad would be glad to speed things up, and my mom will relish the help, although we might be speeding her pace up more than she's comfortable with. This is my family. My folks are getting older... what we can purge now will save us so much time purging stuff later.
EVENTS:
My calendar is a DOOZY! I literally have stuff going on left and right, all through June, and some in July, too. This weekend I am cleaning, prepping, sorting, trashing, full speed ahead. It's really the only time I have left to do much of anything. I am going to start a new macros this coming week and will eat less, but need to prep even more. Leaner, cleaner, less. It's called PFFL (Performance Focused Fat Loss). This will help propel my fat burn even more so than I have previously. It will affect my workouts, possibly negatively, so I'm getting ready mentally for all this challenge will present.
There are a few small things here and there, dinners, lunches, meetings, birthdays, etc. A month from now, I'll be on a trip for a bachelorette party in Orange Beach, AL. The following Thursday I'll leave for Salt Lake City for the weekend with family. There's a baseball game the following weekend, possible bridal shower in Louisiana, and the last weekend I'm going back up to my parents' for my mom's birthday and see the Rangers play the Red Sox. Big Papi had better be playing! My friend's wedding is the last weekend in July, so I'll be going to Louisiana that week.
If anyone needs me, I'll be trying to find the biggest rock to hide under.
Here's the Skinny:
Since Feb. 18th (last update),
WORK:
I've been moved out of my role and in to a new one at work. The new one has greater reward, where I have an opportunity to feel like a true contributor to the success of the project, which is great. However, with this, my opportunity for employment has been taken away as the new role is contract only, with a hard stop at then end of October. I've also been told that my role and employment on this project has now become a month-to month status, where I am reviewed and the need for my presence is looked at as such. So they could cut me at any time. There's also been tension, frustration, condescending passive aggressive behaviors and emails, ... so much so that I'm at the point of looking for new opportunities, but not leaving this one until something else comes my direction. Praying for something sooner than later, all for a bit of breathing room and peace of mind. Security would be a bonus. I don't remember the last time I had that, career wise.
BODY:
It's been a good first 3 months of the year, as far as my body comp and changes go. A lot of this is attributed to ETP, the coaching staff there, my understanding of the importance in logging all of my food every single day, and my crossfit community and coaches allowing me to do a little bit of customization and support.
None of this is a fast change. However, this will be a permanent and lifelong change. I am losing fat. I am gaining muscle. I am eating to fuel my workouts. It's WORKING!!! So far I've lost over 10 lbs of fat, added almost 10 lbs of muscle, and I'm hitting PRs like crazy. Prime example: My Deadlift max is listed at 225#s. Not some small little number. A week ago, I deadlifted that weight 5x in a row. It'll be interesting to see what my new number is. 250? 260? 270? No matter what it is, I'm having fun. Strong is fun.
HOME:
I'm finally getting things in some kind of order. Nearly a year later, the craft room / guest room is coming together to be an actual working studio. I've got more work to do, but the vision is coming together. My master closet, well, it's not functional for me. Things have their place, but it's not how I want it to be. Minus the fact that my size is all over the place, I'm not sure what fits my arms and shoulders anymore. It looks like I'll be trying on and tossing out quite a few things in the next month or so. Good and bad. Can I just live in workout clothes? That would be the best.
FAMILY:
This stuff is still heavy heavy... My grandad isn't doing well at all. To the point of any nutrition or drinking anything is questionable most days. My dad is there with him and my g'ma this week until his sister comes in this weekend. The 4 siblings are doing well at taking turns loving on them and being there best they can. They can't be alone right now. I'm heartbroken for what they're going through. Keep them, and all of us, in your prayers, as things are certain to take a turn at any time.
*Update* My grandfather passed away this morning. We are heartbroken for our loss, and relieved that he's no longer suffering and in pain.
We are also trying to find the best way to share this with my other g'ma who is suffering from dementia, but needs to be told in some way about all of this.
My folks are already in the midst of a move, packing, transporting, taking things that can be taken. Having been there this past week, I am absolutely astonished and sad at how much is still left to do. There's hardly been a dent in progress. I'm going back up there in a couple weeks to help some more. Hopefully this time, with my sister being there, we can get a ton of stuff done and speed up this process for them more. I know my dad would be glad to speed things up, and my mom will relish the help, although we might be speeding her pace up more than she's comfortable with. This is my family. My folks are getting older... what we can purge now will save us so much time purging stuff later.
EVENTS:
My calendar is a DOOZY! I literally have stuff going on left and right, all through June, and some in July, too. This weekend I am cleaning, prepping, sorting, trashing, full speed ahead. It's really the only time I have left to do much of anything. I am going to start a new macros this coming week and will eat less, but need to prep even more. Leaner, cleaner, less. It's called PFFL (Performance Focused Fat Loss). This will help propel my fat burn even more so than I have previously. It will affect my workouts, possibly negatively, so I'm getting ready mentally for all this challenge will present.
There are a few small things here and there, dinners, lunches, meetings, birthdays, etc. A month from now, I'll be on a trip for a bachelorette party in Orange Beach, AL. The following Thursday I'll leave for Salt Lake City for the weekend with family. There's a baseball game the following weekend, possible bridal shower in Louisiana, and the last weekend I'm going back up to my parents' for my mom's birthday and see the Rangers play the Red Sox. Big Papi had better be playing! My friend's wedding is the last weekend in July, so I'll be going to Louisiana that week.
If anyone needs me, I'll be trying to find the biggest rock to hide under.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Heavy
Heavy.
This applies to so much right now.
Heavy lifts (yay)
Heavy heart (not yay)
Heavy body weight (not yay, more meh).
Heavy Workload (definitely meh)
So pardon my mind dump. I'm honestly just looking for a way to get it out "there" so I don't keep it all in "here", replaying it every minute.
Heavy Lifts:
Since 12/27 I've regained my focus with ETP. I've worked my way up to "around" my calories, and semi-consistently have been hitting my macros. It's more mindful food and eating than I've ever done. It's hard to fix a mentality of "eat less, see the lbs go down" and eat more, scale stays somewhat the same after 6 weeks (I've lost 5-6 lbs, depending on the day). I've learned a lot logging my food every day, and once I got used to seeing where to find 160g of protein, even on rest days, the food has been a relief. My energy has been on the up and up. My output in the gym, although not any faster on my WOD times, my strength and power output has increased a LOT! I honestly love lifting the most, and feel most empowered when I hit a new PR. Also, quick update on my foot / ankle / leg issues: I am working my way back to running on a more regular basis. I ran my first 400 in 6 months last week, and last night I ran 2 400s and a 300 in the WOD. It wasn't fast, but it was steady and I didn't stop once. I just kept going. These are BIG wins for me, and I know it's got a lot to do with getting my food in order.
Heavy Heart:
There's so much going on in this area, I'm almost afraid to type it all out for fear of inviting more of the same in. But here it goes:
1. My G'Pa was diagnosed with advanced Adenocarcinoma (Pancreatic). to be blunt: he's dying. Quickly. Knowing my G'ma and my dad, his siblings are all brokenhearted and devastated, we all are, but how do you comfort someone who is always the strong one? How do you plan to go see someone, knowing you most likely won't see them again? What do you say to the ones left behind who have loved him their whole lives? We knew he was sick, but we had no idea it would happen so fast.
2. My Nana. She has dementia. When we saw her Thanksgiving, she didn't know who we were at first. Then she told me I was a disappointment. The disease, I know. but still. And Christmas she wouldn't even wake up to see us. Apparently she's getting even worse and more mean than usual. I'm having a hard time thinking that of all the great days we have, of all the life we get to live, these are the terrible things that we are reduced to as we grow old and prepare to die. There is no dignity in any of this. There is pain, confusion and heartbreak.
That's heavy.
3. My friend lost her dad Tuesday. His heart was tired. He wore his heart out for living so big and so bold. I didn't know him, never met him, but I know how she spoke of him and of all the fantastic things she shared about him, and how ridiculously large his smile was in the pictures with his family. They really knew and exuded love and pride for one another. So fortunate to be confident in those things from your family. I know her heart is broken in a million pieces. She didn't go to sleep on Monday contemplating she would say goodbye to him the next day she woke up.
4. One of my best friends, if not my best, Her sweet dad, bless him. His cancer is becoming more aggressive. This time it's in his hip joint. They are going to do the best they can to address it tomorrow, with a possible hip replacement. I'm praying that it goes well. He's been through SO much with this, and I don't think I've known anyone to fight this harder and more purposeful than he has. I pray every day that he is another of God's big miracles, the kind people talk about for the rest of our existence.
Heavy Body Weight:
The ETP stuff is working. I know it is. I'm still up over 200. I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for a sweet and lovely friend at the end of July. I am desperately working my ass off to lean out and look the best I ever have by her wedding date. I will always be a work in progress, Lord willing, but I'm ready to feel more confident than I ever have, and look like a toned athlete. No one wants to be the one people see in pictures now and every anniversary celebrated on social media as "the fluffy / chubby bridesmaid". so I signed up for Group Coaching for the next month. Maybe the month after that, too, with a hope of doing a PFFL (Performance focus fat loss) round, or speak to coaches and see about doing it at the same time? I'm not sure what would be best. But I think it lasts a few months, so it wouldn't be bad to start and have time to push at the end for bigger results. I'm tired of playing around. If I sit here and think about the amount of time, effort, money, and tears I've put toward getting better, losing weight, It's overwhelmingly depressing. It's hard to change your mindset from eat less, weigh less. Pray that something starts to happen sooner rather than later. I deserve to see something drastic. I feel that I'm SO close to unlocking my biggest potential, my most drastic transformation. Part of me feels like I'm waiting for that to happen before I allow myself to consider a lot of other things.
Heavy Work Load.
This has been ongoing since I started my job. I don't know that I was truly prepared for what the job entailed. I know I certainly did not get the background or training to revolve around the schedule, the expectations, etc. I've been overwhelmed since day one. As much as I've tried to gain any confidence, it was shot right back down the second it started to go up. I respond to the feedback by recoiling and got so nervous to hit send on an email for fear that something else will come back and bite me, which of course means that it will. I wanted to do so good. I don't feel like I was every really given the chance to. The lady who had the role before me apparently was the best person ever, so I don't know that I truly stood a chance.
All that to say that I was told this week that my role is changing to one that is strictly a contractor role, with no hopes of being brought on as an employee. I should have known better than to trust the 90 day rule I was told when I was offered the position. The money has been okay, sometimes even nice, BUT I'm also paying my own insurance out of pocket, which if you know anything about the "affordable" bullshit, it really isn't, so... And the icing on the cake is that I get to "train" the person I'm being replaced with. I feel like every time I stand up, someone is waiting to throw an egg in my face.
I'm most likely spending my weekend getting my resume' polished and uploaded, reaching out to potential opportunities, networking with those that I know have reputable connections in my town. fingers crossed there are opps that will afford me to stay in my apartment, and not have to live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard to really look at this and think "this is what I've gotten to"... It's so disappointing and I don't know that I have much of a mindset to seek my new direction. It's a constant argument in my mind. I'll come back up. I always do, but damn.
Y'all, this is my heavy right now and it's more than enough. I need to not be so heavy hearted right now. I hate it. I'm beyond grateful for the chance to still be able to make it to crossfit. I'm nervous that there's something that will come along and take that away. I'm busting my ass and making it a priority to go every day (minus the weekends). I'm running more, I'm lifting more, and I'm focusing on getting better. I can't contemplate what my life looks like without it. None of this is the 40 I thought I'd ever be living.
So if you're the praying type, lift these folks, my family, my friends, up in a prayer or few. Lord knows we could all use them right now.
This applies to so much right now.
Heavy lifts (yay)
Heavy heart (not yay)
Heavy body weight (not yay, more meh).
Heavy Workload (definitely meh)
So pardon my mind dump. I'm honestly just looking for a way to get it out "there" so I don't keep it all in "here", replaying it every minute.
Heavy Lifts:
Since 12/27 I've regained my focus with ETP. I've worked my way up to "around" my calories, and semi-consistently have been hitting my macros. It's more mindful food and eating than I've ever done. It's hard to fix a mentality of "eat less, see the lbs go down" and eat more, scale stays somewhat the same after 6 weeks (I've lost 5-6 lbs, depending on the day). I've learned a lot logging my food every day, and once I got used to seeing where to find 160g of protein, even on rest days, the food has been a relief. My energy has been on the up and up. My output in the gym, although not any faster on my WOD times, my strength and power output has increased a LOT! I honestly love lifting the most, and feel most empowered when I hit a new PR. Also, quick update on my foot / ankle / leg issues: I am working my way back to running on a more regular basis. I ran my first 400 in 6 months last week, and last night I ran 2 400s and a 300 in the WOD. It wasn't fast, but it was steady and I didn't stop once. I just kept going. These are BIG wins for me, and I know it's got a lot to do with getting my food in order.
Heavy Heart:
There's so much going on in this area, I'm almost afraid to type it all out for fear of inviting more of the same in. But here it goes:
1. My G'Pa was diagnosed with advanced Adenocarcinoma (Pancreatic). to be blunt: he's dying. Quickly. Knowing my G'ma and my dad, his siblings are all brokenhearted and devastated, we all are, but how do you comfort someone who is always the strong one? How do you plan to go see someone, knowing you most likely won't see them again? What do you say to the ones left behind who have loved him their whole lives? We knew he was sick, but we had no idea it would happen so fast.
2. My Nana. She has dementia. When we saw her Thanksgiving, she didn't know who we were at first. Then she told me I was a disappointment. The disease, I know. but still. And Christmas she wouldn't even wake up to see us. Apparently she's getting even worse and more mean than usual. I'm having a hard time thinking that of all the great days we have, of all the life we get to live, these are the terrible things that we are reduced to as we grow old and prepare to die. There is no dignity in any of this. There is pain, confusion and heartbreak.
That's heavy.
3. My friend lost her dad Tuesday. His heart was tired. He wore his heart out for living so big and so bold. I didn't know him, never met him, but I know how she spoke of him and of all the fantastic things she shared about him, and how ridiculously large his smile was in the pictures with his family. They really knew and exuded love and pride for one another. So fortunate to be confident in those things from your family. I know her heart is broken in a million pieces. She didn't go to sleep on Monday contemplating she would say goodbye to him the next day she woke up.
4. One of my best friends, if not my best, Her sweet dad, bless him. His cancer is becoming more aggressive. This time it's in his hip joint. They are going to do the best they can to address it tomorrow, with a possible hip replacement. I'm praying that it goes well. He's been through SO much with this, and I don't think I've known anyone to fight this harder and more purposeful than he has. I pray every day that he is another of God's big miracles, the kind people talk about for the rest of our existence.
Heavy Body Weight:
The ETP stuff is working. I know it is. I'm still up over 200. I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for a sweet and lovely friend at the end of July. I am desperately working my ass off to lean out and look the best I ever have by her wedding date. I will always be a work in progress, Lord willing, but I'm ready to feel more confident than I ever have, and look like a toned athlete. No one wants to be the one people see in pictures now and every anniversary celebrated on social media as "the fluffy / chubby bridesmaid". so I signed up for Group Coaching for the next month. Maybe the month after that, too, with a hope of doing a PFFL (Performance focus fat loss) round, or speak to coaches and see about doing it at the same time? I'm not sure what would be best. But I think it lasts a few months, so it wouldn't be bad to start and have time to push at the end for bigger results. I'm tired of playing around. If I sit here and think about the amount of time, effort, money, and tears I've put toward getting better, losing weight, It's overwhelmingly depressing. It's hard to change your mindset from eat less, weigh less. Pray that something starts to happen sooner rather than later. I deserve to see something drastic. I feel that I'm SO close to unlocking my biggest potential, my most drastic transformation. Part of me feels like I'm waiting for that to happen before I allow myself to consider a lot of other things.
Heavy Work Load.
This has been ongoing since I started my job. I don't know that I was truly prepared for what the job entailed. I know I certainly did not get the background or training to revolve around the schedule, the expectations, etc. I've been overwhelmed since day one. As much as I've tried to gain any confidence, it was shot right back down the second it started to go up. I respond to the feedback by recoiling and got so nervous to hit send on an email for fear that something else will come back and bite me, which of course means that it will. I wanted to do so good. I don't feel like I was every really given the chance to. The lady who had the role before me apparently was the best person ever, so I don't know that I truly stood a chance.
All that to say that I was told this week that my role is changing to one that is strictly a contractor role, with no hopes of being brought on as an employee. I should have known better than to trust the 90 day rule I was told when I was offered the position. The money has been okay, sometimes even nice, BUT I'm also paying my own insurance out of pocket, which if you know anything about the "affordable" bullshit, it really isn't, so... And the icing on the cake is that I get to "train" the person I'm being replaced with. I feel like every time I stand up, someone is waiting to throw an egg in my face.
I'm most likely spending my weekend getting my resume' polished and uploaded, reaching out to potential opportunities, networking with those that I know have reputable connections in my town. fingers crossed there are opps that will afford me to stay in my apartment, and not have to live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard to really look at this and think "this is what I've gotten to"... It's so disappointing and I don't know that I have much of a mindset to seek my new direction. It's a constant argument in my mind. I'll come back up. I always do, but damn.
Y'all, this is my heavy right now and it's more than enough. I need to not be so heavy hearted right now. I hate it. I'm beyond grateful for the chance to still be able to make it to crossfit. I'm nervous that there's something that will come along and take that away. I'm busting my ass and making it a priority to go every day (minus the weekends). I'm running more, I'm lifting more, and I'm focusing on getting better. I can't contemplate what my life looks like without it. None of this is the 40 I thought I'd ever be living.
So if you're the praying type, lift these folks, my family, my friends, up in a prayer or few. Lord knows we could all use them right now.
Monday, January 4, 2016
2016 - The Gimp Returns & ETP in Place
Well, I suppose it's appropriate that I would end up with an injury more ridiculous than the other two, or maybe equal to the first, but ridiculous all the same.
12/30/15.
The day I ran a 200m in the warm up and it actually felt really good! I even thought to myself "wow, my legs DO feel lighter! Now I just need to get my endurance back up and keep going".
Then we go in and do "high-knees", and I feel it. The twinge of pain in my left calf, like a charlie horse that won't let go, yet I keep going thinking that it'll work itself out. It has to.
Next move is inchworms and high skip back down the length of the gym.
*POP*.
Man down. My calf muscle actually popped. Holy Hell.
and that's being polite.
Needless to say I was out for the regular WOD, but came up with a sub that didn't involve the leg.
It's still a little "cramped" up, feels like it could pop again, and yes, I'm resting, icing, and being extremely mindful of it.
I just want to work out and get my calorie burn up, make my heart beat a little quicker, and build my endurance. I'm strong AF, but without the speed, I'm going to be stuck with my performance.
I've joined up with Eat To Perform as a lifetime member. It was the smartest choice as I tackle this fat that keeps holding on. I'm going to be working up to my macros and learning about carb cycling, when to eat what, and get the best out of my body. I'm excited about the possibility with this program. The best thing is that it's dependent on food, not supplements.
Don't get me wrong, I love Advocare and I fully believe that the products DO work. I need a supplement free solution that allows me to add lean mass AND burn fat at the same time, without starving myself.
This will allow me to eat mindfully, and focus on truly fueling my body correctly. I will be correcting my skewed metabolism and teaching my body to burn fuel instead of storing it.
So here goes whatever will be...
12/30/15.
The day I ran a 200m in the warm up and it actually felt really good! I even thought to myself "wow, my legs DO feel lighter! Now I just need to get my endurance back up and keep going".
Then we go in and do "high-knees", and I feel it. The twinge of pain in my left calf, like a charlie horse that won't let go, yet I keep going thinking that it'll work itself out. It has to.
Next move is inchworms and high skip back down the length of the gym.
*POP*.
Man down. My calf muscle actually popped. Holy Hell.
and that's being polite.
Needless to say I was out for the regular WOD, but came up with a sub that didn't involve the leg.
It's still a little "cramped" up, feels like it could pop again, and yes, I'm resting, icing, and being extremely mindful of it.
I just want to work out and get my calorie burn up, make my heart beat a little quicker, and build my endurance. I'm strong AF, but without the speed, I'm going to be stuck with my performance.
I've joined up with Eat To Perform as a lifetime member. It was the smartest choice as I tackle this fat that keeps holding on. I'm going to be working up to my macros and learning about carb cycling, when to eat what, and get the best out of my body. I'm excited about the possibility with this program. The best thing is that it's dependent on food, not supplements.
Don't get me wrong, I love Advocare and I fully believe that the products DO work. I need a supplement free solution that allows me to add lean mass AND burn fat at the same time, without starving myself.
This will allow me to eat mindfully, and focus on truly fueling my body correctly. I will be correcting my skewed metabolism and teaching my body to burn fuel instead of storing it.
So here goes whatever will be...
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Pushing "Reset"
It's almost here... Actually I should say "they're"...
Christmas
Birthday
New Years Eve
New Years Day
Finding out if my contract with work goes past the end of January
Memories
Family
and a shit load of anxiety.
Every single one of those.
I've been fighting anxiety and depression this season like I haven't had in a few years. I hate it when it comes up. Trying to hide it gets more challenging because I'm aware of all my nuances, and behaviors, and the closer my few friends get, the more often they recognize it. The difference this year is that I'm not just aware of it, but I'm really doing everything I can to fight it. It's not going to last forever and I know this. But knowing that people will bring up a birthday I'm not keen on celebrating, my age, making a big deal about it over and over and over again, is just one reminder after another that I'm not happy. I'm not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point. In my 30s I had so much hope. The hope tank is empty. No kids. I should have known. Actually I think I did know when I was 23 that it wasn't in my "plan"... not the plan I chose for myself, anyway. Being alone, I guess I should have always considered it. Silly me.
But I digress.
2016 I'm hitting the reset button as best I can. Here's the things I'd like to spend my time focused on:
Being more careful when making memories and who I share them with.
I'm going to get serious about finding a new Dachshund to add to our pack. Bella needs a sibling and I've been looking for one since I moved.
Travel more. Even if I go places alone I'm going to go see more and do more.
I'm going to get my health right. I have needed a full work up and blood panel for a while. Fear of the unknown is diminished by my frustration with not being able to lose a serious amount of fat with my increased muscle and fitness efforts.
I've been thinking of my Crossfit goals, too.
I am confident in a few things, and lacking confidence in a laundry list of others. So I'll have a mix of possibilities so I can get things moving up more than backtracking or staying the same.
1. Bench Press - I want to work up to at LEAST 150. I'm at 130 now. I'm pretty confident that I can get close or even beat this. Attainable.
2. Run a 5k in under 45 mins. I need to get my running back. I started that today, running 200s. I need my legs, ankles, feet all healthy, and to stay that way.
3. Focus on my own work, outside of class. Additional programming? Make a plan and stick to it. Possible 2-a-days, or add in Saturday and /or Sunday work. Something...
4. 10 DUs unbroken. Again, attainable. I can do the single (x3), double, combo, and need to spend more time practicing. I dig my new rope.
5. It would be nice to get a HSPU, T2B, Pull-Up, but those are going to be added bonuses. I think i f I can figure out the health stuff, the weight / fat retention issues, some of these will be more possible than they are today.
That's where I am today. It's not the best place, mentally, emotionally, but here's hoping that once all these "things" get past, my mood and mentality will get better.
Christmas
Birthday
New Years Eve
New Years Day
Finding out if my contract with work goes past the end of January
Memories
Family
and a shit load of anxiety.
Every single one of those.
I've been fighting anxiety and depression this season like I haven't had in a few years. I hate it when it comes up. Trying to hide it gets more challenging because I'm aware of all my nuances, and behaviors, and the closer my few friends get, the more often they recognize it. The difference this year is that I'm not just aware of it, but I'm really doing everything I can to fight it. It's not going to last forever and I know this. But knowing that people will bring up a birthday I'm not keen on celebrating, my age, making a big deal about it over and over and over again, is just one reminder after another that I'm not happy. I'm not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point. In my 30s I had so much hope. The hope tank is empty. No kids. I should have known. Actually I think I did know when I was 23 that it wasn't in my "plan"... not the plan I chose for myself, anyway. Being alone, I guess I should have always considered it. Silly me.
But I digress.
2016 I'm hitting the reset button as best I can. Here's the things I'd like to spend my time focused on:
Being more careful when making memories and who I share them with.
I'm going to get serious about finding a new Dachshund to add to our pack. Bella needs a sibling and I've been looking for one since I moved.
Travel more. Even if I go places alone I'm going to go see more and do more.
I'm going to get my health right. I have needed a full work up and blood panel for a while. Fear of the unknown is diminished by my frustration with not being able to lose a serious amount of fat with my increased muscle and fitness efforts.
I've been thinking of my Crossfit goals, too.
I am confident in a few things, and lacking confidence in a laundry list of others. So I'll have a mix of possibilities so I can get things moving up more than backtracking or staying the same.
1. Bench Press - I want to work up to at LEAST 150. I'm at 130 now. I'm pretty confident that I can get close or even beat this. Attainable.
2. Run a 5k in under 45 mins. I need to get my running back. I started that today, running 200s. I need my legs, ankles, feet all healthy, and to stay that way.
3. Focus on my own work, outside of class. Additional programming? Make a plan and stick to it. Possible 2-a-days, or add in Saturday and /or Sunday work. Something...
4. 10 DUs unbroken. Again, attainable. I can do the single (x3), double, combo, and need to spend more time practicing. I dig my new rope.
5. It would be nice to get a HSPU, T2B, Pull-Up, but those are going to be added bonuses. I think i f I can figure out the health stuff, the weight / fat retention issues, some of these will be more possible than they are today.
That's where I am today. It's not the best place, mentally, emotionally, but here's hoping that once all these "things" get past, my mood and mentality will get better.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Confidence & Vulnerability
I suppose they go hand in hand.
I lack them both. I need them both.
So for 2016, I will be praying for them. I will focus on them. I will seek opportunities for them.
It's not just about my fitness, my efforts, my gym time, a box jump, a mile run.
It's in everything.
Fear of being vulnerable, lack of confidence... they keep me crippled on my couch more days and nights than I can count.
I need these.
I lack them both. I need them both.
So for 2016, I will be praying for them. I will focus on them. I will seek opportunities for them.
It's not just about my fitness, my efforts, my gym time, a box jump, a mile run.
It's in everything.
Fear of being vulnerable, lack of confidence... they keep me crippled on my couch more days and nights than I can count.
I need these.
Age is...
I've never been fast, but it seems lately, as much as I am getting stronger, I am definitely slower. Part of it is me not wanting or caring about doing anything to fix the "speed" issue, or lack there of. It's kind of my "schtick", if that makes sense. I'll lift heavy and love it. I'll run slow and expect it. It is what it is.
As much as I hate that saying, it's true. I hate that it puts limits on things. It's like it steals possibility, like "this is it, no matter what, you can't change it. You just have to accept it.".
And that's what I'm finding to be true about my age and impending birthday. There are so many things to consider with this and I have done a piss poor job preparing for it. I find myself thinking about all the things I haven't done, and now, I'm at 98% certain that I never will. there's one thing I know won't happen, and that's becoming a mother. I'm letting that go. I realized it was a sincere possibility a couple years ago, but there was this glimmer of hope that it would happen. Reality is that at this point, it isn't going to. Other 40 somethings will say it's the best ever, there's nothing left to prove, etc. And I know there's some truth to that. The ones who've said that to me, they have the family, the spouse, the kids, the career. I'm just over here hoping I still have a job at the end of January and try not to think about the other things. Not saying I don't, but I try not to.
Now I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer". I know I'm supremely blessed with a phenomenal tight circle of those closest to me. I also know that they have their own lives and families. Coordinating time together gets more challenging, but it's still manageable. I'm going to try to be more positive and encourage more. I need to adjust to all of this "what comes with 40" bullshit.
I don't feel much like celebrating. I'm not sure what I'd even celebrate. Making it this far? Why wouldn't I? But yeah, I'll keep skating by and right now I hope people don't remember and it's just "another" day.
I'll be fine on the couch with a movie and my Bella.
It is what it is....
As much as I hate that saying, it's true. I hate that it puts limits on things. It's like it steals possibility, like "this is it, no matter what, you can't change it. You just have to accept it.".
And that's what I'm finding to be true about my age and impending birthday. There are so many things to consider with this and I have done a piss poor job preparing for it. I find myself thinking about all the things I haven't done, and now, I'm at 98% certain that I never will. there's one thing I know won't happen, and that's becoming a mother. I'm letting that go. I realized it was a sincere possibility a couple years ago, but there was this glimmer of hope that it would happen. Reality is that at this point, it isn't going to. Other 40 somethings will say it's the best ever, there's nothing left to prove, etc. And I know there's some truth to that. The ones who've said that to me, they have the family, the spouse, the kids, the career. I'm just over here hoping I still have a job at the end of January and try not to think about the other things. Not saying I don't, but I try not to.
Now I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer". I know I'm supremely blessed with a phenomenal tight circle of those closest to me. I also know that they have their own lives and families. Coordinating time together gets more challenging, but it's still manageable. I'm going to try to be more positive and encourage more. I need to adjust to all of this "what comes with 40" bullshit.
I don't feel much like celebrating. I'm not sure what I'd even celebrate. Making it this far? Why wouldn't I? But yeah, I'll keep skating by and right now I hope people don't remember and it's just "another" day.
I'll be fine on the couch with a movie and my Bella.
It is what it is....
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Community
People often ask me what it is about my Box that keeps me going back. They say they want to try Crossfit and that there's a gym right by their house / work / grocery store, etc. And that they are "inspired" by my dedication and I make it look fun, so they want to give it a go.
Now of course I think my box is the best. BUT it's the only one I've ever been to. I'm beyond thankful for that. I liken it to buying the first wedding dress a bride tries on. It fits so perfect you don't need or want to see anything else.
I've praised my coaches before, and that still stands. They allow me to be the athlete I am, at my level, and give encouragement and instruction on how to be better. I've had victories and I've had set backs, and I've never quit. I've thought about it, but that's on me. The coaches keep me coming back and making me want more.
One of the biggest components to finding the right Box for you is the community. It's as vital as anything, maybe even more so. Finding those people that lift you up, become your friends away from the Box, You find the encouragers, the support team on a bad day, the motivators, the equals, the muscle, the competitors... They all contribute to the successes you have. Use them to get where you're going and even the mental places you didn't know you could go.
That being said, there are the detractors, too. Those who don't encourage, but take away a bit of your momentum and you don't understand any of it.
But you don't quit. There's still community that will make you thrive. A community that will encourage and support you. Friendships that you will make and pour in to outside of the Box. You go to the classes that those people go to and you stay away from the ones they don't.
Give to the community and the community will give back to you.
It's one of the most important elements in finding a gym that fits.
Community.
Now of course I think my box is the best. BUT it's the only one I've ever been to. I'm beyond thankful for that. I liken it to buying the first wedding dress a bride tries on. It fits so perfect you don't need or want to see anything else.
I've praised my coaches before, and that still stands. They allow me to be the athlete I am, at my level, and give encouragement and instruction on how to be better. I've had victories and I've had set backs, and I've never quit. I've thought about it, but that's on me. The coaches keep me coming back and making me want more.
One of the biggest components to finding the right Box for you is the community. It's as vital as anything, maybe even more so. Finding those people that lift you up, become your friends away from the Box, You find the encouragers, the support team on a bad day, the motivators, the equals, the muscle, the competitors... They all contribute to the successes you have. Use them to get where you're going and even the mental places you didn't know you could go.
That being said, there are the detractors, too. Those who don't encourage, but take away a bit of your momentum and you don't understand any of it.
But you don't quit. There's still community that will make you thrive. A community that will encourage and support you. Friendships that you will make and pour in to outside of the Box. You go to the classes that those people go to and you stay away from the ones they don't.
Give to the community and the community will give back to you.
It's one of the most important elements in finding a gym that fits.
Community.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Well Damn...
It happened. I knew it had. I decided I needed to see it to really give it the reality it is.
I'm back up over 200.
No, my food isn't where it needs to be.
No, my gym time isn't on point, and way more sporadic than it's been in 2 years.
Yes, my stress level is higher than it's been in ages.
No, I'm not happy about it.
I still feel like part of my body is betraying everything I've tried to do to "fix" it. But I feel lame if I use that as any kind of reason for this.
At my lowest, since starting my weight loss and healthy effort, I got down to 168. I just knew I could get down to the 150s and be even better. I JUST KNEW IT.
Instead, over the past 3 years I've put it all back on. Yes, some of you will tell me it's muscle. And you're right. BUT I haven't put on 40 lbs of muscle. I've gotten stronger, but I haven't gotten thin.
It's so disappointing to know that you can bust your ass, do SO much to make yourself better but you'll never get the payoff you've been begging yourself for for the past 5-7 years.
That's a long damn time to keep letting yourself down.
So just let me have my "mad" days.
I guess I won't be diving in to those Holiday treats at all. I sure as hell haven't earned them.
I'm back up over 200.
No, my food isn't where it needs to be.
No, my gym time isn't on point, and way more sporadic than it's been in 2 years.
Yes, my stress level is higher than it's been in ages.
No, I'm not happy about it.
I still feel like part of my body is betraying everything I've tried to do to "fix" it. But I feel lame if I use that as any kind of reason for this.
At my lowest, since starting my weight loss and healthy effort, I got down to 168. I just knew I could get down to the 150s and be even better. I JUST KNEW IT.
Instead, over the past 3 years I've put it all back on. Yes, some of you will tell me it's muscle. And you're right. BUT I haven't put on 40 lbs of muscle. I've gotten stronger, but I haven't gotten thin.
It's so disappointing to know that you can bust your ass, do SO much to make yourself better but you'll never get the payoff you've been begging yourself for for the past 5-7 years.
That's a long damn time to keep letting yourself down.
So just let me have my "mad" days.
I guess I won't be diving in to those Holiday treats at all. I sure as hell haven't earned them.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Unexpected Conversations
I need to pat myself on the back. Yesterday was one year since I smoked my last cigarette. It wasn't a conscious decision, but it was something I knew I needed to do. I had been in San Antonio, watching my friends compete in a Crossfit competition. We went out that night and I was so focused on not smoking that it was bothersome. I had been thinking about how much of a fraud I had been, going to the gym, coming home and smoking before I went inside, still in my workout gear, my crossfit shoes and gym hoodie, tank, t-shirt, whatever. I'm also an Advocare distributor, promoting health and wellness. Why would anyone want to buy from me when I wasn't being healthy at all?
A walking contradiction.
That bothered me more than smoking. I actually enjoyed that part, the smoking part. It was relaxing, but it made me feel like crap the next day. And I was more encouraged about being the walking example of healthy, and knew this was keeping me from it.
So one day I just didn't buy anymore.
I wasn't ever really tempted. It doesn't bother me to be around it, and sometimes I even enjoy the smell. Weird, I know.
But back to the real reason for this post.
I've been feeling out of control with a lot of things lately and it's infected my thoughts about nearly everything. Fear of losing more friends, poor gym performance, or desire to be there at all, work performance and fear of losing my job, behind on my apartment maintenance, food....
Food. Most of this goes back to food, which translates to body image. I feel like my clothes are tighter, don't fit right, look bad, feel frumpy, lethargic, a bit depressed about it all. A lot of this I take on myself and hold myself to a high standard. I feel like I'm failing myself and therefore failing everyone around me. I've become one of those people I can't stand to talk to because I feel like I'm always complaining about something. I try to be positive and find myself holding back on celebrating things, and try to sit on things I'd be annoyed to hear from others.
I saw a friend in the kitchen today, and we somehow got on the topic of food programs for strength promotion and fat loss. I've tip toed around one, but never really got it off of the ground. He shared another with me and I'll be taking a look at that one, simplifying my food choices and getting back to the basics of eating. I know HOW to eat, but I need to learn the proper way to use food as fuel. This is my problem. I eat stuff I don't need, or at the wrong time, so it doesn't work in my favor (looking right at you, Carbs!), so I'll give this some attention.
He also complimented me on the changes he sees, and has seen over time these past two years. I'm having a hard time seeing much of anything, other than feeling like I'm just blowing right up, getting bigger, feeling fatter, and ultimately being the contradiction I've tried to avoid for years. But I'm going to try to focus on the positives, the things he has noticed, and he says others have noticed, too. I need to get back to weighing, measuring, and get a dexascan done, so I have a surefire point of reference.
It was honestly so kind, and I'm really hard on myself. I just want to be better. I want to be my best and I feel like I'm nowhere near it yet. I'm ready to see bigger changes. I want to push my body as far as it will go.
I'd be a fool to quit now, and an even bigger fool if I don't give it the attention it deserves to get there.
A walking contradiction.
That bothered me more than smoking. I actually enjoyed that part, the smoking part. It was relaxing, but it made me feel like crap the next day. And I was more encouraged about being the walking example of healthy, and knew this was keeping me from it.
So one day I just didn't buy anymore.
I wasn't ever really tempted. It doesn't bother me to be around it, and sometimes I even enjoy the smell. Weird, I know.
But back to the real reason for this post.
I've been feeling out of control with a lot of things lately and it's infected my thoughts about nearly everything. Fear of losing more friends, poor gym performance, or desire to be there at all, work performance and fear of losing my job, behind on my apartment maintenance, food....
Food. Most of this goes back to food, which translates to body image. I feel like my clothes are tighter, don't fit right, look bad, feel frumpy, lethargic, a bit depressed about it all. A lot of this I take on myself and hold myself to a high standard. I feel like I'm failing myself and therefore failing everyone around me. I've become one of those people I can't stand to talk to because I feel like I'm always complaining about something. I try to be positive and find myself holding back on celebrating things, and try to sit on things I'd be annoyed to hear from others.
I saw a friend in the kitchen today, and we somehow got on the topic of food programs for strength promotion and fat loss. I've tip toed around one, but never really got it off of the ground. He shared another with me and I'll be taking a look at that one, simplifying my food choices and getting back to the basics of eating. I know HOW to eat, but I need to learn the proper way to use food as fuel. This is my problem. I eat stuff I don't need, or at the wrong time, so it doesn't work in my favor (looking right at you, Carbs!), so I'll give this some attention.
He also complimented me on the changes he sees, and has seen over time these past two years. I'm having a hard time seeing much of anything, other than feeling like I'm just blowing right up, getting bigger, feeling fatter, and ultimately being the contradiction I've tried to avoid for years. But I'm going to try to focus on the positives, the things he has noticed, and he says others have noticed, too. I need to get back to weighing, measuring, and get a dexascan done, so I have a surefire point of reference.
It was honestly so kind, and I'm really hard on myself. I just want to be better. I want to be my best and I feel like I'm nowhere near it yet. I'm ready to see bigger changes. I want to push my body as far as it will go.
I'd be a fool to quit now, and an even bigger fool if I don't give it the attention it deserves to get there.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I did it.
Guilty as charged....
Great, now I've got Dave Matthews Band stuck in my head. (hashtag no complaints).
But what did I do?
TWO YEARS of CROSSFIT!
Y'all, I still can't believe I ever walked in to that box at all, much less learned to love holding a barbell, doing a million push ups, jumping on a box (even if that's been put on hold while my ankle is STILL healing),
But nevertheless, I'm here. I'm stronger, even if my outward appearance doesn't necessarily reflect it, mentally, and physically.
I'm stronger.
What sucks is that I still feel like I've lost my "smile". It's hard to explain, but I used to be able to look in the mirror and really smile, the real kind. Authentic. It feels like I've adopted this weight of insecurity, this uncertainty. Maybe it's due to job stress, the impending holidays, the weight gain (stress eating), the upcoming birthday (ugh), the fact that nothing feels like I thought it would at this point, that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be, and the fact that I never thought my reality would ever be my reality, good and bad.
All of that aside, I'm proud of myself for making it this far. I still don't know how long this will last. Honestly, lately, I've just had the "I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse so why am I even doing it?" going through my head. I don't know if it's really that I'm not getting better , or if I'm staying the same, or if I'm stuck and I can't see past everything else that I feel isn't going "right" or "well", or just what. It's all very confusing.
I just read that last paragraph and I think I confused myself more, and proved my point all at the same time.
Whatever it is, I need it to change. I need to start feeling like I'm being a good friend, employee, dog mom, crossfitter, and just good to myself. My self-talk is terrible. I can't decide on anything, but I keep trying to. I want to know when I smile back in the mirror that I mean it. That I don't have to try, that I'm not forcing it.
So if you're reading and you know me away from this blog, just know I'm trying. You don't need to ask, or point things out. Believe me, I already know.
But two years.
I did that.
So for now, that's good. That's enough.
Year 3, let's see if I make it or if my head wins.
Day 1, year 3 done. So at least there's that.
Great, now I've got Dave Matthews Band stuck in my head. (hashtag no complaints).
But what did I do?
TWO YEARS of CROSSFIT!
Y'all, I still can't believe I ever walked in to that box at all, much less learned to love holding a barbell, doing a million push ups, jumping on a box (even if that's been put on hold while my ankle is STILL healing),
But nevertheless, I'm here. I'm stronger, even if my outward appearance doesn't necessarily reflect it, mentally, and physically.
I'm stronger.
What sucks is that I still feel like I've lost my "smile". It's hard to explain, but I used to be able to look in the mirror and really smile, the real kind. Authentic. It feels like I've adopted this weight of insecurity, this uncertainty. Maybe it's due to job stress, the impending holidays, the weight gain (stress eating), the upcoming birthday (ugh), the fact that nothing feels like I thought it would at this point, that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be, and the fact that I never thought my reality would ever be my reality, good and bad.
All of that aside, I'm proud of myself for making it this far. I still don't know how long this will last. Honestly, lately, I've just had the "I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse so why am I even doing it?" going through my head. I don't know if it's really that I'm not getting better , or if I'm staying the same, or if I'm stuck and I can't see past everything else that I feel isn't going "right" or "well", or just what. It's all very confusing.
I just read that last paragraph and I think I confused myself more, and proved my point all at the same time.
Whatever it is, I need it to change. I need to start feeling like I'm being a good friend, employee, dog mom, crossfitter, and just good to myself. My self-talk is terrible. I can't decide on anything, but I keep trying to. I want to know when I smile back in the mirror that I mean it. That I don't have to try, that I'm not forcing it.
So if you're reading and you know me away from this blog, just know I'm trying. You don't need to ask, or point things out. Believe me, I already know.
But two years.
I did that.
So for now, that's good. That's enough.
Year 3, let's see if I make it or if my head wins.
Day 1, year 3 done. So at least there's that.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Oh MYLanta!!! Seriously!
Y'all, I haven't posted an update since APRIL!!! So let's chew some "fat"...
I moved. I got a new job. All at the same dadgum time! Because I mean, why spread out change. Let's just throw all the chaos together at once.
Crossfit
That being said, I'm STILL Crossfitting. Pat on my back for that b/c there have been so many times I wonder if I should even keep trying.
Because of said job, I've had to switch to the 6:30 AM class. It took a week and a half to realize my 5:30 pm schedule was done-zo. Late afternoon meetings all but two days of the week (okay, it was three, then two, now back to three), I had to set my foot down and make myself have some kind of "me" time. Well, that, and I'm honestly terrified to see what would happen if I quit, mentally, physically, etc.
I've hit some ridiculous PRs (I mean I hit a 225 lb DEADLIFT, a 195 lb backsquat, 160 on the front, and 105 on my clean...) those are all things that make me really proud. And then we started doing the "Texas Method" . I was honestly excited to get on a program that I knew would make me even stronger. We are in the middle of it and while I can "do" the work, I find myself making excuses to not go on certain days, to modify the weight percentages, go lighter, etc. I feel like it's defeating me, physically and mentally. Yeah, I mean, A+ for effort, and even getting there, but I have had more absences than normal, slower performance times on my WODs, and I'm feeling my "age". So I don't really know what that says about where I am with this whole thing. For the first time in 2 yrs I'm wondering if it's even worth doing anymore or if I should look for something else. I really don't know. The community isn't what it used to be, and well, neither am I.
Injury.
About 2 months ago I rolled my ankle doing a box jump. I say I rolled it b/c that's how I treated it. I've been really cautious, work a boot for a bit, used a support brace, iced it, popped aleve, you name it. If it was something I could do to try and treat the golfball on the side of my ankle, I did it.
2 months later, I still have mobility issues with it, it's still swollen, and there's a bit of pain from the ankle to the top of my foot. My guess, I've done more than a severe sprain. I've either torn or broken something, and now I'm a tad nervous to find out the extent of my stubbornness and injury. The last thing I want is to 1. have to have surgery 2. bite in to my $6000 deductible (Thanks Obama, not kidding), 3. be sidelined for longer period of time 4. be back in that damn horrible and uncomfortable boot. The only redeeming factor there is that it's my left foot and the boot fits both feet, so I don't have to buy another one.
Quandary.
Work.
Stress.
Inadequate.
a million small mistakes.
Learning a language I've never heard before.
It's like starting a novel in the middle of the book and having to figure out where I fit in and make it make sense.
Possibility.
If I can stick with it and they keep me, I think I can make it work, but to what sacrifices?
It will take me to a completely different level of dedication, participation, and have a greater opportunity to provide real input and make a difference, to really be included and be a part of something. I just need to find the balance and right now it's a little lopsided. It's throwing me for a million loops on a very regular basis.
Home
It's taken a LOT longer than I have expected to feel comfortable in my new space. It's SO nice to have room to move around, not have everything within an arm's reach, to open the backdoor and let the dog out (without having to put on a bra or pants ;) ), and have a designated bedroom & bathroom for guests and crafts (which I still don't have completely done yet, but it's getting there!!!)
I have curtains hung up the right way for the first time in forever. The last ones I had up in my bedroom were being held up by push pins. (Don't judge). It's amazing all the things you can do with a stepladder. ;-)
I've discovered my love for the color orange. I don't even know where it came from, but when I was out looking for ideas, and there it was. On some level, it's soothing and comforting. On another, it's energetic and bright. So, balance, right?
Diet
In all of this, I've lost track and focus on my food, my weight, my shape. I've taken liberties, I stayed consistent with my paleo lunches from Fixed Foods (they just closed down - SO sad!!), and I'm now back to having to think about and prep my lunches each day. I've also poked around a bit, and am paying a small monthly fee, for Eat to Perform. It's a program for those who want to maintain or increase muscle / lean mass, and burn fat. Essentially it's not a "low carb" but they have online coaching that can help you with macros and getting your food on track to correct your broken metabolism. I have learned that I've been grossly under-eating my calories, teaching my body how to store fat. I haven't stepped on a scale in months. The last time I did, I audibly gasped.
So, some good, some not so good, some just ugly and some a little scary. There's so much up in the air right now and I could use a good dose of confidence in something.
I'm sure there's more I could say and play "Catch-up" with, but right now, I think I've said about enough.
Oh, and tomorrow night, Go Rangers!!!
I moved. I got a new job. All at the same dadgum time! Because I mean, why spread out change. Let's just throw all the chaos together at once.
Crossfit
That being said, I'm STILL Crossfitting. Pat on my back for that b/c there have been so many times I wonder if I should even keep trying.
Because of said job, I've had to switch to the 6:30 AM class. It took a week and a half to realize my 5:30 pm schedule was done-zo. Late afternoon meetings all but two days of the week (okay, it was three, then two, now back to three), I had to set my foot down and make myself have some kind of "me" time. Well, that, and I'm honestly terrified to see what would happen if I quit, mentally, physically, etc.
I've hit some ridiculous PRs (I mean I hit a 225 lb DEADLIFT, a 195 lb backsquat, 160 on the front, and 105 on my clean...) those are all things that make me really proud. And then we started doing the "Texas Method" . I was honestly excited to get on a program that I knew would make me even stronger. We are in the middle of it and while I can "do" the work, I find myself making excuses to not go on certain days, to modify the weight percentages, go lighter, etc. I feel like it's defeating me, physically and mentally. Yeah, I mean, A+ for effort, and even getting there, but I have had more absences than normal, slower performance times on my WODs, and I'm feeling my "age". So I don't really know what that says about where I am with this whole thing. For the first time in 2 yrs I'm wondering if it's even worth doing anymore or if I should look for something else. I really don't know. The community isn't what it used to be, and well, neither am I.
Injury.
About 2 months ago I rolled my ankle doing a box jump. I say I rolled it b/c that's how I treated it. I've been really cautious, work a boot for a bit, used a support brace, iced it, popped aleve, you name it. If it was something I could do to try and treat the golfball on the side of my ankle, I did it.
2 months later, I still have mobility issues with it, it's still swollen, and there's a bit of pain from the ankle to the top of my foot. My guess, I've done more than a severe sprain. I've either torn or broken something, and now I'm a tad nervous to find out the extent of my stubbornness and injury. The last thing I want is to 1. have to have surgery 2. bite in to my $6000 deductible (Thanks Obama, not kidding), 3. be sidelined for longer period of time 4. be back in that damn horrible and uncomfortable boot. The only redeeming factor there is that it's my left foot and the boot fits both feet, so I don't have to buy another one.
Quandary.
Work.
Stress.
Inadequate.
a million small mistakes.
Learning a language I've never heard before.
It's like starting a novel in the middle of the book and having to figure out where I fit in and make it make sense.
Possibility.
If I can stick with it and they keep me, I think I can make it work, but to what sacrifices?
It will take me to a completely different level of dedication, participation, and have a greater opportunity to provide real input and make a difference, to really be included and be a part of something. I just need to find the balance and right now it's a little lopsided. It's throwing me for a million loops on a very regular basis.
Home
It's taken a LOT longer than I have expected to feel comfortable in my new space. It's SO nice to have room to move around, not have everything within an arm's reach, to open the backdoor and let the dog out (without having to put on a bra or pants ;) ), and have a designated bedroom & bathroom for guests and crafts (which I still don't have completely done yet, but it's getting there!!!)
I have curtains hung up the right way for the first time in forever. The last ones I had up in my bedroom were being held up by push pins. (Don't judge). It's amazing all the things you can do with a stepladder. ;-)
I've discovered my love for the color orange. I don't even know where it came from, but when I was out looking for ideas, and there it was. On some level, it's soothing and comforting. On another, it's energetic and bright. So, balance, right?
Diet
In all of this, I've lost track and focus on my food, my weight, my shape. I've taken liberties, I stayed consistent with my paleo lunches from Fixed Foods (they just closed down - SO sad!!), and I'm now back to having to think about and prep my lunches each day. I've also poked around a bit, and am paying a small monthly fee, for Eat to Perform. It's a program for those who want to maintain or increase muscle / lean mass, and burn fat. Essentially it's not a "low carb" but they have online coaching that can help you with macros and getting your food on track to correct your broken metabolism. I have learned that I've been grossly under-eating my calories, teaching my body how to store fat. I haven't stepped on a scale in months. The last time I did, I audibly gasped.
So, some good, some not so good, some just ugly and some a little scary. There's so much up in the air right now and I could use a good dose of confidence in something.
I'm sure there's more I could say and play "Catch-up" with, but right now, I think I've said about enough.
Oh, and tomorrow night, Go Rangers!!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
The State of Things
I need to kinda do hodgepodge "unload" of things... Not bad things, but I feel like I've gone from not busy, to "WHOA! I'm already through June and It's only Mid-April", and then my heart starts racing and if I don't get things down, make a list, get some control and order in place, then I'm going to set myself up to fail at a LOT of things.
I don't fail well.
so sit back and enjoy the read, or don't read at all... ;-)
Work:
I'm coming up on my 1 yr at my current position. The guy who hired me retired in Dec. and the guy who has become my boss is really great. I genuinely do like him, but I don't feel like I have had enough time with him to understand his expectations. My role is still being developed, and I was hoping that I would have established myself as an asset to the team by now. But I'm feeling like I'm expendable. I'm a contractor. I suppose that just comes with the territory. However, my last job I was an employee and I was let go, so I guess nothing comes with job security anymore.
Gym:
Things here are kinda the same. I'm not really hitting many PRs right now, and my times, if anything are slipping backward. I feel like I'm running slower, my recovery is taking longer, and I'm in a fitness rut. But I'm still gaining muscle, so that's a good thing. I still don't love running, now dealing with tight calves and the slightest hint of a shin splint on my left leg, so I'm not pushing this a ton.
Diet:
April 21st.
60 days. (well technically like 62, since I'm going to June 21st, which is a Sunday)... BUT this is huge. My recent blog post kinda touched on what's been going through my head, feeling stuck... Adding muscle, not losing fat quick enough, getting stronger, but ultimately gaining weight that I can't explain away, much less justify, etc... So I'm making some pretty drastic changes. Well not so "super drastic", but big changes for me. I eat pretty well for the most part. Well meaning "Clean", few processed foods, structured calories in, exercise out, etc. But I've been using artificial sweeteners since I started drinking tea and coffee, so that's been a while. I'm cutting it all out. Yes, I'll have a few cheats here and there, but if I go to dinner and don't dive in to the queso, you'll know why. This also means I'm putting my Advocare intake on hiatus until this is done. No spark. No Meal Replacement Shakes. No Rehydrate, None. This will be the biggest challenge of all. I've done it once for 30 days and it was what I missed the most.
That being said, I'm not quitting Advocare. I'm still going to help people who are interested in learning what it holds, what the products can do, what money they can make if they so choose to see the biz, and live healthy while doing so. I trust Advocare. I love Advocare. The products, the company, the people... I love it all.
I'm just taking a 62 day break from it and I'll re-introduce things when I get to the other side of this.
- Journal
Part of this 62 day trial is journaling. I don't know why this is such a daunting and fearful task. I know I'm self deprecating. I don't like to boast, or brag, or cheer for myself. It's much more exciting and fun when I can do that for other people. Honestly, I haven't let myself think about "Blessings", "wants", "great expectations", etc, mainly out of fear of being let down and disappointed. I've really just gotten tired of being let down and not seeing those great and positive things come to fruition, so I've adapted to and adopted this mindset of not thinking about those things. That way it's a "roll with the punches" but I don't feel like I've been let down so much b/c the expectations weren't there. I'm pretty screwed up, I know...
Massages / Cupping:
I've been getting massages once a month, and could probably do more if I wanted to pay for them :P I am working on strengthening my back and correcting some of my form, so I've had a whole new set of aches and pains that I'm working through. Note: a 215# deadlift will make your head spin and strain your back a little bit ;-) We also have a gym member who does cupping. I'd never had it done before, and she was doing free 15 min. sessions at the gym. It was crazy!!! I looked like I had angel wing hickeys on my back :P Not sure how often I'd get it done, but I wouldn't be opposed to spending some serious time with it again.
Moving:
So I wanted to buy a house. That didn't go my way, although I was completely set up and prepared financially. (See, that whole expectation / let down thing...) BUT Apparently my job isn't good enough for Fannie Mae. It's total crap. SO now I'm in a bit of a quandary. Do I stay in my apartment for another year, making it 9 yrs in one place, out of room where I am, really NEED to move, but can't justify the expense, BUT it would help me get set and get rid of a bunch of crap, OR do I move to a 2 bdrm at my same complex? Because after 8+ yrs w/ them, I'd be dumb to move elsewhere. I love the area and the complex. My complaint right now is my space. I'm just out of it. But if I don't have a yard w/ the new apt, then I'm staying. That's pretty much what it's come down to. I can't justify moving and spending money to set up all new utilities and the effort and frustration for more money...
Body Image:
My body image just sucks. I'll admit it. It's that whole self-deprecating thing. It's hard, though. I mean one morning, I'll wake up, no scale, just "feel" like I look "smaller", so I get dressed according to that, have a small bit of confidence, then BAM. I get to work and see myself in the mirror and it's like I never looked in one before I left home. Like one of those "oh that poor girl must not have any friends b/c none of my friends would EVER have let me leave the house looking like THAT!" kind of moment. Thos happen a lot. And I don't see the changes I feel like I've been fighting for for years, but especially the last year. I figured I'd start doing crossfit and I'd end up looking like this super fit and fab girl.
I don't. Not yet, anyway.
Doctors:
I know. I know. I need to go. I don't have time to go and honestly it makes me nervous to think about what all they'll tell me is wrong and then something will get in to my head, like that needs to happen, and I"ll get derailed, I won't be able to work out, my life will change for the worse and it'll all be because I went to the stupid doctor.
Spring / Summer Fun:
Seriously, my calendar in to June is already full. Where has my year gone? And I'm supposed to move when? Wait, whaaatt?? But really, I want to spend a lot of time with my girlfriends. I seriously have the most solid group of girlfriends that I've ever had. I want to do alll the things. But then I get the "I don't have vacation with work, so good luck getting time off and being able to afford that"... I should save some pennies and make it happen. I'll go ahead and add that to my plate, too, because, well, why not.
If you got this far, you're a champ.
And I'm exhausted, nervous, and not quite sure where to start it all, but I gotta start somewhere.
What tools do you use to stay organized?
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Me? Single? HA! (Always!)
This Buzzfeed article cracked me UP!
So much so that I had to reply to each of the "You're single because..." Assumptions
These were half true, have obnoxious, and mostly ridiculous, but true. But not really.
So much so that I had to reply to each of the "You're single because..." Assumptions
These were half true, have obnoxious, and mostly ridiculous, but true. But not really.
1. You're too busy to meet new people.
*probably.
2. You're mixing in the wrong
circles.
*maybe,
but I like my circles.
3. All your friends settled down
super early and don't introduce you to single people any more.
*not
really… I have a good mix of single v. marrieds
4. You're too intimidating.
*I've heard this before.
5. You have the aura of someone
who isn’t single.
*um, no, I'm pretty sure my aura screams “SINGLE”
6. You're too modest to notice
when someone likes you.
*totally.
Well maybe not modest, but more so oblivious
7. You've been misremembering your
phone number for years.
*No, I
know my number. I don't usually give it out.
8. There are loads of people with
your name on Facebook, which makes you difficult to find.
*Nope,
there’s only one other me and she’s in Louisiana
9. You're better looking than most
people.
*duh
10. You live in an ugly area of
town.
*no, my
part of town is pretty pretty
11. And everyone at your work is
ugly, apart from you.
*no, they're just all married or hooked up, I think.
12. And all of your friends are
ugly.
*nope.
13. And all of their friends are
ugly.
*again,
nope.
14. And you are just intimidatingly
gorgeous.
*above
average, yes. But this, no.
15. Your Tinder pictures are too
modest.
*No “Tinder”.
16. Your
OkCupid profile doesn’t reflect your shining personality.
*No online
dating profiles anywhere.
17. Everyone on match.com is too
basic for you.
*see #16
18. You're too independent.
*Probably.
But I've had to be.
19. Your political views are too
advanced for your generation.
*No, I
think those are pretty even and laid back.
20. Your conversation is too
intellectual for your peers.
* I can be
a bit cerebral and witty… too intellectual? I don’t think so.
21. You're going to the wrong
bars.
*Totally.
22. Everyone at the bars you go to
is uglier than you.
*Not
uglier, just younger.
23. And more stupid.
*See #22
24. And less fun.
*Oh I'm fun,
I’m just the less fun one.
25. You're too spontaneous, and
people can’t keep up.
*Spontaneity
scares me.
26. People are too exhausted to
hang out with you because you’re so much fun.
*No, it’s
more or less the other way around.
27. Your star quality is so
bright, it blinds potential suitors.
* I think
it’s dulled down a little bit.
28. Your personality is so warm,
it makes people sweat.
*This
could be part of it.
29. You’re so hot, you burn anyone
who looks at you too long.
*Whatever.
Shut up.
30. Your conversation is so deep
that after talking to you people have to ponder your thoughts for weeks, and
that’s why they never call you back.
*Yeah, I
totally over-think and go off on random, irrelevant tangents.
31. You’re so sassy, people are
afraid of your shade.
*I’m a
classy sassy, or at least I try to be.
32. People like you so much that
they can’t risk asking you out for fear of rejection.
*Yeah,
whatever. Short list, if any.
33. You’re so cool that people
don’t want to be compared to you.
*Yeah,
that’s it. Smh.
34. You’re too revolutionary.
*Huh?
35. People assume that phones are
too mainstream for you, and so never ask for your number.
*I can
guarantee this isn’t it at all.
36. You’re such a catch, people
can’t believe you’re not taken.
*Totally
37. You’re so funny, people always
wet themselves in your company and then don’t want to get too close in case you
smell the pee.
*Oh, well
that makes complete (albeit disgusting) sense.
38. You’re so interesting that
people are scared of boring you with their mundane chat.
*Doubtful.
39. People assume you’re so
cultured you've seen every film ever made, so they never ask you to go to the
cinema with them.
*More
doubtful (more of the “I’m not cultured enough and probably wouldn't understand
it")
40. People think you’re too
responsible for alcohol so don’t ask you out for drinks.
*Ha! Ha!
Ha! My friends know better
41. People think you’re so fit you
must run everywhere so never ask you to go for a walk in the park with them.
*More that
I can’t keep up, so the walk would take too long.
42. People think you’re so
creative that all art ever made must bore you, so never ask you to go to a
museum with them.
*No, I’m
just a crazy craft lady. They are all
very scared of the mess.
43. You’re so godly, people assume
you’re not human and don’t eat normal food so don’t ask you out to dinner.
*Godly? Haha. I don’t think that’s ever been thought
of about me.
44. People think you are just so
great and beautiful and interesting and funny that there is no way in hell you
can be single, and if you were you would never go out with them, and that is
why you are still looking for someone as equally fabulous as you.
*Exactly.
;-)
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