And I do. When I remember to rest.
This weekend was a little all over the place, physically, mentally, emotionally.
I've perfected the art of over thinking, over analyzing, but it's all part of my defense mechanism and need to have structure, security, stability, and balance. I guess it's a little hard to explain to those who don't thrive on that, but I know if I don't have control over these things, or possess them, I'm no good to myself or anyone I might come in contact with. It's paramount to avoid putting on blinders like a horse going through a parade. Honestly, that's how I feel a lot of the time. And it's why I try to plan something on my rest days. It keeps me more accountable and gives me less time to think.
Here's a mind dump that reared its head during my 2 days of "rest", when only one of them really was and only because I was basically riddled with anxiety over having to see or talk to anyone. Yesterday, it was just easier to be alone. Some days that's just needed. Usually for me, it's on Sundays and filled with HGTV or Snapped marathons.
1. I wish I could honestly ditch the whole Facebook thing. If it weren't for my Advocare team and business there, I would. SO much judgement and mis-perception, by people that consider themselves to be "friends". That term has honestly lost its true meaning, just like "love" and "hate" have, too. Overuse kills authenticity.
2. Facebook is subjective. I don't share everything. I share a lot, but it's not everything. Most of the time, it's a way to look busy without people being nosy enough to ask questions.
***That's another thing all together - people being nosy and people who are genuinely interested and want to or have invested in a friendship... ***
3. Yes, I'm proud of the progress I've made physically, but some days I'd take the peace I've lost over the smaller clothes. Maybe some day that will change, but it's not right now.
4. I have goals. Crossfit and Advocare will help me achieve them, but the fear of failing internally is crippling.
5. It's hard to walk in to a room filled with people you KNOW will be pleasant, sweet, endearing, complimentary, and say everything to build you up, and not know how to truly be gracious and not verbally vomit all over it. I miss the times when I could just "be" instead of "minding my mind".
Call it anxiety, call it depression, call it being a girl, call it pathetic, I don't care. But for me, this is my reality. My rest day yesterday wasn't restful, it was more restless, and all I did was sit on the couch.
Today I'm going back to the gym. The posted WOD seems achievable, even if I'm not feeling so strong.