Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I did it.

Guilty as charged....

Great, now I've got Dave Matthews Band stuck in my head. (hashtag no complaints).

But what did I do?


Y'all, I still can't believe I ever walked in to that box at all, much less learned to love holding a barbell, doing a million push ups, jumping on a box (even if that's been put on hold while my ankle is STILL healing),

But nevertheless, I'm here. I'm stronger, even if my outward appearance doesn't necessarily reflect it, mentally, and physically.

I'm stronger.

What sucks is that I still feel like I've lost my "smile".  It's hard to explain, but I used to be able to look in the mirror and really smile, the real kind. Authentic.  It feels like I've adopted this weight of insecurity, this uncertainty.  Maybe it's due to job stress, the impending holidays, the weight gain (stress eating), the upcoming birthday (ugh), the fact that nothing feels like I thought it would at this point, that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be, and the fact that I never thought my reality would ever be my reality, good and bad.

All of that aside, I'm proud of myself for making it this far. I still don't know how long this will last.  Honestly, lately, I've just had the "I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse so why am I even doing it?" going through my head.  I don't know if it's really that I'm not getting better , or if I'm staying the same,  or if I'm stuck and I can't see past everything else that I feel isn't going "right" or "well", or just what. It's all very confusing.

I just read that last paragraph and I think I confused myself more, and proved my point all at the same time.

Whatever it is, I need it to change.  I need to start feeling like I'm being a good friend, employee, dog mom, crossfitter, and just good to myself. My self-talk is terrible. I can't decide on anything, but I keep trying to.  I want to know when I smile back in the mirror that I mean it.  That I don't have to try, that I'm not forcing it.

So if you're reading and you  know me away from this blog, just know I'm trying. You don't need to ask, or point things out. Believe me, I already know.

But two years.

I did that.

So for now, that's good.  That's enough.

Year 3, let's see if I make it or if my head wins.
Day 1, year 3 done. So at least there's that.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Oh MYLanta!!! Seriously!

Y'all, I haven't posted an update since APRIL!!! So let's chew some "fat"...

I moved. I got a new job. All at the same dadgum time! Because I mean, why spread out change. Let's just throw all the chaos together at once.

That being said, I'm STILL Crossfitting.  Pat on my back for that b/c there have been so many times I wonder if I should even keep trying.

Because of said job, I've had to switch to the 6:30 AM class. It took a week and a half to realize my 5:30 pm schedule was done-zo. Late afternoon meetings all but two days of the week (okay, it was three, then two, now back to three), I had to set my foot down and make myself have some kind of "me" time. Well, that, and I'm honestly terrified to see what would happen if I quit, mentally, physically, etc.

I've hit some ridiculous PRs (I mean I hit a 225 lb DEADLIFT, a 195 lb backsquat, 160 on the front, and 105 on my clean...)  those are all things that make me really proud.  And then we started doing the "Texas Method" .  I was honestly excited to get on a program that I knew would make me even stronger. We are in the middle of it and while I can "do" the work, I find myself making excuses to not go on certain days, to modify the weight percentages, go lighter, etc. I feel like it's defeating me, physically and mentally. Yeah, I mean, A+ for effort, and even getting there, but I have had more absences than normal, slower performance times on my WODs, and I'm feeling my "age".  So I don't really know what that says about where I am with this whole thing.  For the first time in 2 yrs I'm wondering if it's even worth doing anymore or if I should look for something else. I really don't know. The community isn't what it used to be, and well, neither am I.

About 2 months ago I rolled my ankle doing a box jump.  I say I rolled it b/c that's how I treated it.  I've been really cautious, work a boot for a bit, used a support brace, iced it, popped aleve, you name it.  If it was something I could do to try and treat the golfball on the side of my ankle, I did it.

2 months later, I still have mobility issues with it, it's still swollen, and there's a bit of pain from the ankle to the top of my foot.  My guess, I've done more than a severe sprain. I've either torn or broken something, and now I'm a tad nervous to find out the extent of my stubbornness and injury. The last thing I want is to 1. have to have surgery 2. bite in to my $6000 deductible (Thanks Obama, not kidding), 3. be sidelined for longer period of time 4. be back in that damn horrible and uncomfortable boot. The only redeeming factor there is that it's my left foot and the boot fits both feet, so I don't have to buy another one.


a million small mistakes.
Learning a language I've never heard before.
It's like starting a novel in the middle of the book and having to figure out where I fit in and make it make sense.
If I can stick with it and they keep me, I think I can make it work, but to what sacrifices?
It will take me to a completely different level of dedication, participation, and have a greater opportunity to provide real input and make a difference, to really be included and be a part of something. I just need to find the balance and right now it's a little lopsided. It's throwing me for a million loops on a very regular basis.

It's taken a LOT longer than I have expected to feel comfortable in my new space. It's SO nice to have room to move around, not have everything within an arm's reach, to open the backdoor and let the dog out (without having to put on a bra or pants ;) ), and have a designated bedroom & bathroom for guests and crafts (which I still don't have completely done yet, but it's getting there!!!)

I have curtains hung up the right way for the first time in forever.  The last ones I had up in my bedroom were being held up by push pins. (Don't judge). It's amazing all the things you can do with a stepladder.  ;-)

I've discovered my love for the color orange. I don't even know where it came from, but when I was out looking for ideas, and there it was.  On some level, it's soothing and comforting.  On another, it's energetic and bright. So, balance, right?

In all of this, I've lost track and focus on my food, my weight, my shape. I've taken liberties, I stayed consistent with my paleo lunches from Fixed Foods (they just closed down - SO sad!!), and I'm now back to having to think about and prep my lunches each day. I've also poked around a bit, and am paying a small monthly fee, for Eat to Perform.  It's a program for those who want to maintain or increase muscle / lean mass, and burn fat.  Essentially it's not a "low carb" but they have online coaching that can help you with macros and getting your food on track to correct your broken metabolism. I have learned that I've been grossly under-eating my calories, teaching my body how to store fat. I haven't stepped on a scale in months.  The last time I did, I audibly gasped.

So, some good, some not so good, some just ugly and some a little scary. There's so much up in the air right now and I could use a good dose of confidence in something.

I'm sure there's more I could say and play "Catch-up" with, but right now, I think I've said about enough.

Oh, and tomorrow night, Go Rangers!!!