Food Tracking. Again.

So Last post I was detailing my frustration with my adding lean mass, (weight), and not losing much body fat, scared to hit the 200 mark again, and not understanding out how my output (workouts) wasn't helping or making a difference in this, when I know I have the tools to make it happen.

My frustration hasn't gone away.  I try not to think about it, because I really do enjoy my food, and I'll be damned if I'm going to get to a point where I don't. That would be SO sad. Devastating, actually.

I mentioned it to my coach, prefacing that I wasn't trying to be negative or self-deprecating, but rather just frustrated trying to make sense of it all.  She offered to take a look at my food for the next two weeks, and see if there's something she's noticing, that I'm not, which is being counter productive to my progress, or lack there of.

So today, I jumped back on myfitnesspal and started tracking my food again.  I'd say I'd track my fitness, but I really don't have any idea how many calories I'm burning on what day at the gym.  Some days it's more, others, not so much.  It really varies with each WOD.

Honestly, okay, I "should" go to the dr. I don't have a GP.  I dread going to a new one because it's been years, honestly, since I've had any sort of check up.  I live in my world where I go to the Dr. when I know something is wrong and I need it fixed.  I had pain in my foot.  Went to the Dr.  I couldn't shake the Upper Respiratory Infection, turns out it was the Flu (a year and a half ago), but I went to the Dr. then, too... rather the "clinic"... I don't have a Dr, but I've got a couple of recommendations. But just Ugh. SO inconvenient.  I kinda like living in my "ignorance is bliss" reality. I fear being limited when I feel like I'm finally in a good place and making good strides for myself, and for the most part, I'm okay.  Just all the testing, all the pokes, pricks, "try this" bull crap... I don't want it. I hate having an excuse for anything...

I'm so stubborn, I know.

Hard Headed and Stubborn.

You can make sure they put that on my headstone or plaque one day...

But for now, I'm just tracking my food.

Staying Positive

I dont know if it's the changing of the seasons, the exasperation with winter, the anticipation of spring, the time change, the let downs, the amount of overwhelming sadness my friends are dealing with, or just all of the things combined, but griping and being defensive about everything has been WAY too easy lately.

Does that make sense?

It's SO difficult to be positive around others, and even more so to myself, when I know those around me are hurting.

I was challenged by my coach to be positive for one week. I know I need to, and I owe it to myself to be.

So here it goes:

I loved the Scaled 15.4 WOD.
8 minutes, short and sweet.
10 Push Presses (65 lbs)
10 Power Cleans (75 lbs)

I'm stoked with my efforts. I ended up with 86 reps and my only complaint is that I didn't have quicker rests that would have helped me get 90 even.

I'm starting to see some tone in places I wasn't sure even existed.  I do wish that other people could see them when I'm just doing my everyday things, wearing my every day clothes. I'm working on trying to make that happen, I just need to figure out the diet to workout ratio.

I feel myself getting stronger with the weights and my efforts are noticeable. Now to get those to translate in to other non-weighted movements... In time, right?

I did gain 2. 6 lbs last month, 2.4 of them being lean mass (muscle) & my body fat % went down by half a point, so that's all great.  The frustration I have is that my weight is climbing, and I'm not looking or getting leaner. I am still carrying 60+ lbs of fat.  Ideally I'd love to lose about 40 lbs of the fat, and end up living around 145-155 lbs. I can totally justify that weight if my body reflects it as muscle and tone.  But living at 194, just 6 lbs shy of 200, still not looking like I do much of anything fitness wise, that's hard. I'm not trying to be negative, but it's really hard to process mentally.

So I've upped my calorie output, and have started walking a 5K 3-4 times a week during my lunch hour, and eat paleo pretty much every day for lunch, with a meal replacement protein shake for breakfast, and usually something small and fairly lean for dinner.  I eat "clean" 85/15 ratio...

So I guess what I need to do is focus on my macros next, and getting those figured out.  It just seems so daunting.

I'm also starting to purge my apartment so I can move in to a larger one this summer, hopefully a 2 bdrm w/ a small yard for the pup.

I just need to remember not to overwhelm myself.

I can do it, right?

Wimpy

It's crazy how quick I can go from feeling like I won a race, even if I came in last, to feeling like I can't do anything and the thought of putting on my Nanos seems like it's too much.

that's me today. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to walk in and have to socialize with anyone. I don't want to answer questions about "are you okay?" "What's going on?" "You've been distant lately"... but here's the answers.

1. No, I'm upset, annoyed and frankly I'm pissed off at things that have nothing to do with the gym or any one person in particular. I'm angry at a system that punishes people for being successful in anything, because it doesn't meet some stupid "guideline" on what one group deems "acceptable" or "good enough".  So I'm stuck in a place I can't buy myself out of right now and I'm pissed off about it. So much for following the "rules".

2. See above. And there's more, I just don't want to talk about it.

3 No kidding... see last sentence on #2.

When you keep taking these little steps forward, to get to a place in your life that you've earned, and then get knocked down because someone is judging you on paper, says "not good enough" and then someone who's supposed to love you treats you as "inconvenient", it's not something that makes you want to jump out and say "look at me"... well for me, anyway... It makes me recoil and hide from everything.  I'm fighting that a LOT right now.

I'm sore.
I'm tired.
I'm angry.
I'm frustrated.
I'm alone.

I just feel so wimpy and defeated.

Hashtag Ice Day. Just Kidding

Last night they cancelled all the schools in the area for today. I was hesitant to believe the weatherman's hype, but hopeful all the same, that I'd be able to "Work from home" and really get some things done....

You know all the things I have on my list to do and still haven't done this week?  Yeah, those.

Laundry
Kitchen
Craft Area
Change Sheets
Throw Shit Out..

And today I'm at work b/c the ice didn't stick around and I couldn't log on to my network from home b/c it was being really dumb.

But this weekend, tho'.... Watchout!

I have been diligent with my workouts, though. Mindful of my aches and pains, but pushing myself to do more and strive for the next level.

I felt good on the rower yesterday.  5 rounds of 300m, 20 pushups (knees) and 10 Deadlifts @125#s, all felt pretty solid. I did modify the pushups so that I wouldn't strain my back on coming back up and putting all the pressure on my left foot.  Good news, the right foot really doesn't feel too bad. I am barely recognizing the little tinge of pain that comes and goes. The back pain is less, and it's more muscle ache than it is seized up or spasming.

I'm feeling a bit stronger.  I've been hesitant to say it, but after seeing my measurements and seeing the lean mass number go up, I think it's a good time to start believing it.

Here's the frustrating part.  When I started tracking this stuff using "Beyond the White Board" App, I was 177 lbs. I was stoked for that number... it was about 9 lbs over my lowest recorded weight (I got down to 168 in Jan. 2014 after the flu), but I could deal with it. I was working out. I had gained some muscle.  I wasn't sure how much or what my stats were, but it was a starting place.  I thought for SURE that my weight would start to go down, my body fat would decrease, I would finally be able to say that I didn't fit in the "obese" category anymore, and my lean mass would eat up all the excess fat, my weight would go down, etc... Because in MY head, that's how this thing works.

But maybe I'm wrong.  Okay, I'm probably really wrong in my perception.

But here's my "truth", as you will... The only thing I will say is when you look at this, don't just look at the "weight"... I don't... rather look at the "lean mass" This is the biggest encouragement, and I look forward to seeing that number increase and the weight decrease. That's what I hope for, anyway...

Yes, I've gained 19+ lbs, but 12+  of those have been muscle. That's a lot of muscle. And in 13 days, I've added 2 lbs of lean mass (muscle) (middle pic)... But The reality is that I have 62 lbs of fat on my frame... that's what is keeping me from looking "cut" or "fit"... 

and THAT is my frustration.

But this formula is what keeps me grounded.  And if anyone reading this judges me and wants to call me "not-petite" then go ahead... but if I hear you or see you do it, haha... you just need to rethink that and walk away.  I'm not kidding. I can only be graceful and polite for so long. 

The hilarity here:  I weighed a buck twelve in high school, when I graduated. I've got 18 more lbs of straight up lean muscle on that today.  

So how's that for "perspective"... 

Re-Org

Organization as it correlates to success...

It is absolutely the key to being successful, at least for me. And right now I am just failing at it.

I just need to spend time at home alone and take care of my mess.  I hate that I just suck at keeping up with it. I get lazy, I get busy and before I know it, I'm walking in the door wondering where I can set my purse and not lose it in the chaos in front of me.

It's all a part of that whole "finding balance" thing.

Gym time
Home
Friends
Work
Craft time
Food
Bella
Quiet time

and
Find a house before the lease expires in June.

So I'm making a list... it's going to be a long list, but I think I need to see that I'm checking things off, even if it's a little progress here and there, I need to see that I'm doing something.  I'm going to try to add in those things here, even if it's just to tally what I've done in each category at the conclusion of each post.

Here are my goals for this week: Kitchen clean! Laundry Done! 6 days at the gym!

And for today:

Monday: 
Gym: 5:30-7:30 - Double WOD day. I really WANT to do 15.1, AND I want to work out w/ the ladies at the 6:30 class, so I'm gonna give this whole thing a go.  We'll see if I have the stamina to make it through 2 tough WODs. 1 15 minute WOD, and 1 that's prob. going to be about 18, if I'm on point, or better ;)
Home: Kitchen - I've gotta get this whole kitchen thing in a better rotation, stay on top of the dishes, the mess, cooking, etc... Tonight I'm going to get the dishes taken care of at LEAST! Laundry: at LEAST one or two loads of laundry. I need to learn if I don't stay on top of this, it multiplies like a giant disease and it starts to take over my entire apartment.
Friends: See Gym time  6:30
Work: I'm here...
Craft Time: None - Need to organize my space to do anything...
Food: after I clean the kitchen, I need to take stock of what I have in the freezer & Pantry & make due with what I have on hand. No spending this week.
Bella: Just time to play & wind down, her curled up next to me on the couch.
Quiet Time:  My favorite time of day is the last hour or so before bed, watching the news, wrapping up conversations with friends via text or online, with Law & Order on the tv while I fall asleep.

I think that'll do for now... hopefully I have good and positive things to say about my afternoon / evening when I get back with you tomorrow and map out how my Tuesday will go :)