Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Pushing "Reset"

It's almost here... Actually I should say "they're"...

New Years Eve
New Years Day

Finding out if my contract with work goes past the end of January


and a shit load of anxiety.

Every single one of those.

I've been fighting anxiety and depression this season like I haven't had in a few years. I hate it when it comes up. Trying to hide it gets more challenging because I'm aware of all my nuances, and behaviors, and the closer my few friends get, the more often they recognize it. The difference this year is that I'm not just aware of it, but I'm really doing everything I can to fight it.  It's not going to last forever and I know this. But knowing that people will bring up a birthday I'm not keen on celebrating, my age, making a big deal about it over and over and over again, is just one reminder after another that I'm not happy.  I'm not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point.  In my 30s I had so much hope. The hope tank is empty. No kids. I should have known.  Actually I think I did know when I was 23 that it wasn't in my "plan"... not the plan I chose for myself, anyway. Being alone, I guess I should have always considered it.  Silly me.

But I digress.

2016 I'm hitting the reset button as best I can. Here's the things I'd like to spend my time focused on:

Being more careful when making memories and who I share them with.

I'm going to get serious about finding a new Dachshund to add to our pack. Bella needs a sibling and I've been looking for one since I moved.

Travel more. Even if I go places alone I'm going to go see more and do more.

I'm going to get my health right. I have needed a full work up and blood panel for a while.  Fear of the unknown is diminished by my frustration with not being able to lose a serious amount of fat with my increased muscle and fitness efforts.

I've been thinking of my Crossfit goals, too.
I am confident in a few things, and lacking confidence in a laundry list of others. So I'll have a mix of possibilities so I can get things moving up more than backtracking or staying the same.

1. Bench Press - I want to work up to at LEAST 150. I'm at 130 now.  I'm pretty confident that I can get close or even beat this.  Attainable.

2. Run a 5k in under 45 mins. I need to get my running back. I started that today, running 200s.  I need my legs, ankles, feet all healthy, and to stay that way.

3. Focus on my own work, outside of class. Additional programming?  Make a plan and stick to it.   Possible 2-a-days, or add in Saturday and /or Sunday work.  Something...

4. 10 DUs unbroken. Again, attainable. I can do the single  (x3), double, combo, and need to spend more time practicing. I dig my new rope.

5. It would be nice to get a HSPU, T2B, Pull-Up, but those are going to be added bonuses. I think i f I can figure out the health stuff, the weight / fat retention issues, some of these will be more possible than they are today.

That's where I am today. It's not the best place, mentally, emotionally, but here's hoping that once all these "things" get past, my mood and mentality will get better.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Confidence & Vulnerability

I suppose they go hand in hand.

I lack them both.  I need them both.

So for 2016, I will be praying for them. I will focus on them. I will seek opportunities for them.

It's not just about my fitness, my efforts, my gym time, a box jump, a mile run.

It's in everything.

Fear of being vulnerable, lack of confidence... they keep me crippled on my couch more days and nights than I can count.

I need these.

Age is...

I've never been fast, but it seems lately, as much as I am getting stronger, I am definitely slower.  Part of it is me not wanting or caring about doing anything to fix the "speed" issue, or lack there of.  It's kind of my "schtick", if that makes sense.  I'll lift heavy and love it.  I'll run slow and expect it.   It is what it is.

As much as I hate that saying, it's true.  I hate that it puts limits on things. It's like it steals possibility, like "this is it, no matter what, you can't change it.  You just have to accept it.".

And that's what I'm finding to be true about my age and impending birthday.  There are so many things to consider with this and I have done a piss poor job preparing for it.  I find myself thinking about all the things I haven't done, and now, I'm at 98% certain that I never will.  there's one thing I know won't happen, and that's becoming a mother. I'm letting that go. I realized it was a sincere possibility a couple years ago, but there was this glimmer of hope that it would happen.  Reality is that at this point, it isn't going to.  Other 40 somethings will say it's the best ever, there's nothing left to prove, etc. And I know there's some truth to that.  The ones who've said that to me, they have the family, the spouse, the kids, the career. I'm just over here hoping I still have a job at the end of January and try not to think about the other things.  Not saying I don't, but I try not to.

Now I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer".  I know I'm supremely blessed with a phenomenal tight circle of those closest to me. I also know that they have their own lives and families. Coordinating time together gets more challenging, but it's still manageable.  I'm going to try to be more positive and encourage more. I need to adjust to all of this "what comes with 40" bullshit.

I don't feel much like celebrating.  I'm not sure what I'd even celebrate.  Making it this far?  Why wouldn't I?  But yeah, I'll keep skating by and right now I hope people don't remember and it's just "another" day.

I'll be fine on the couch with a movie and my Bella.

It is what it is....

Tuesday, December 1, 2015


People often ask me what it is about my Box that keeps me going back.  They say they want to try Crossfit and that there's a gym right by their house / work / grocery store, etc.  And that they are "inspired" by my dedication and I make it look fun, so they want to give it a go.

Now of course I think my box is the best.  BUT it's the only one I've ever been to.  I'm beyond thankful for that.   I liken it to buying the first wedding dress a bride tries on.  It fits so perfect you don't need or want to see anything else.

I've praised my coaches before, and that still stands.  They allow me to be the athlete I am, at my level, and give encouragement and instruction on how to be better. I've had victories and I've had set backs, and I've never quit.  I've thought about it, but that's on me.  The coaches keep me coming back and making me want more.

One of the biggest components to finding the right Box for you is the community. It's as vital as anything, maybe even more so.  Finding those people that lift you up, become your friends away from the Box,  You find the encouragers, the support team on a bad day, the motivators, the equals, the muscle, the competitors... They all contribute to the successes you have. Use them to get where you're going and even the mental places you didn't know you could go.

That being said, there are the detractors, too.  Those who don't encourage, but take away a bit of your momentum and you don't understand any of it.

But you don't quit.  There's still community that will make you thrive.  A community that will encourage and support you.  Friendships that you will make and pour in to outside of the Box.  You go to the classes that those people go to and you stay away from the ones they don't.

Give to the community and the community will give back to you.

It's one of the most important elements in finding a gym that fits.