Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Well Damn...

It happened.  I knew it had. I decided I needed to see it to really give it the reality it is.

I'm back up over 200.

No, my food isn't where it needs to be.

No, my gym time isn't on point, and way more sporadic than it's been in 2 years.

Yes, my stress level is higher than it's been in ages.

No, I'm not happy about it.

I still feel like part of my body is betraying everything I've tried to do to "fix" it.  But I feel lame if I use that as any kind of reason for this.

At my lowest, since starting my weight loss and healthy effort, I got down to 168.  I just knew I could get down to the 150s and be even better.  I JUST KNEW IT.

Instead, over the past 3 years I've put it all back on.  Yes, some of you will tell me it's muscle.  And you're right.  BUT I haven't put on 40 lbs of muscle.  I've gotten stronger, but I haven't gotten thin.

It's so disappointing to know that you can bust your ass, do SO much to make yourself better but you'll never get the payoff you've been begging yourself for for the past 5-7 years.

That's a long damn time to keep letting yourself down.

So just let me have my "mad" days.

I guess I won't be diving in to those Holiday treats at all.  I sure as hell haven't earned them.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Unexpected Conversations

I need to pat myself on the back.  Yesterday was one year since I smoked my last cigarette.  It wasn't a conscious decision, but it was something I knew I needed to do. I had been in San Antonio, watching my friends compete in a Crossfit competition.  We went out that night and I was so focused on not smoking that it was bothersome.  I had been thinking about how much of a fraud I had been, going to the gym, coming home and smoking before I went inside, still in my workout gear, my crossfit shoes and gym hoodie, tank, t-shirt, whatever.  I'm also an Advocare distributor, promoting health and wellness.  Why would anyone want to buy from me when I wasn't being healthy at all?

A walking contradiction.

That bothered me more than smoking.  I actually enjoyed that part, the smoking part.  It  was relaxing, but it made me feel like crap the next day.  And I was more encouraged about being the walking example of healthy, and knew this was keeping me from it.

So one day I just didn't buy anymore.

I wasn't ever really tempted.  It doesn't bother me to be around it, and sometimes I even enjoy the smell.  Weird, I know.

But back to the real reason for this post.

I've been feeling out of control with a lot of things lately and it's infected my thoughts about nearly everything.  Fear of losing more friends, poor gym performance, or desire to be there at all, work performance and fear of losing my job, behind on my apartment maintenance, food....

Food.  Most of this goes back to food, which translates to body image.  I feel like my clothes are tighter, don't fit right, look bad, feel frumpy, lethargic, a bit depressed about it all.   A lot of this I take on myself and hold myself to a high standard.  I feel like I'm failing myself and therefore failing everyone around me. I've become one of those people I can't stand to talk to because I feel like I'm always complaining about something.  I try to be positive and find myself holding back on celebrating things, and try to sit on things I'd be annoyed to hear from others.

I saw a friend in the kitchen today, and we somehow got on the topic of food programs for strength promotion and fat loss. I've tip toed around one, but never really got it off of the ground.  He shared another with me and I'll be taking a look at that one, simplifying my food choices and getting back to the basics of eating. I know HOW to eat, but I need to learn the proper way to use food as fuel. This is my problem. I eat stuff I don't need, or at the wrong time, so it doesn't work in my favor (looking right at you, Carbs!), so I'll give this some attention.

He also complimented me on the changes he sees, and has seen over time these past two years.  I'm having a hard time seeing much of anything, other than feeling like I'm just blowing right up, getting bigger, feeling fatter, and ultimately being the contradiction I've tried to avoid for years. But I'm going to try to focus on the positives, the things he has noticed, and he says others have noticed, too.  I need to get back to weighing, measuring, and get a dexascan done, so I have a surefire point of reference.

It was honestly so kind, and I'm really hard on myself.  I just want to be better. I want to be my best and I feel like I'm nowhere near it yet.  I'm ready to see bigger changes. I want to push my body as far as it will go.

I'd be a fool to quit now, and an even bigger fool if I don't give it the attention it deserves to get there.