Wednesday, July 13, 2016


I am SO good at it. Let me tell you how.

I've been on this wellness / get healthier track for a long time. I'm sure I could trace it back to forever if I really thought about it and wanted to.  all that to say, however, that all for but a couple of downward spirals when I honestly didn't care who or what or when or how, I've had a subconscious desire to be the best version of me. I hope that never changes.

My self confidence, however, has always been somewhat questionable. I go through phases of feeling amazing, wanting to look my best, attract the right people to surround myself with, etc.  I think I've done a fairly good job at that, too, minus a few blind spots.

So that brings me to what led me to write this today.

The 30th of June I got down to 189.2 lbs. That may not be anything to someone who has no trouble living at 130 or so... I'm sure the perception of someone who is almost 190 - 200 lbs is a bit different than me, or maybe not... anywho, that's not my focus.  I'm sharing my weight because I was PROUD of that.  I've worked really hard to get to that point, tracking, counting, working out, being mindful.  I earned it.

I shared my progress with everyone on my FB page, instagram, my ETP groups.  I was celebrated a bit, which wasn't my intention - I honestly wanted to encourage others to keep fighting for themselves and not to be afraid of the hard work (because it's really not that hard when you have the right things in the right places). but people were commenting about my body changing to my face.  It felt REALLY good. I'm not great at compliments and I don't love attention.  I need some of both, I think we all do to some level, but these things have always been some sort of sabotage trigger for me.  It gives me freedom and some twisted lack of discipline.  I don't understand it, nor can I diagnose what drives my mind switch, but I get some kind of permission to "let go".

So that's what I did.

Two weekends ago, July 4th weekend, I was a bit gluttonous with my food, didn't track much that weekend, and I was back up to 194 the morning of July 4th. I thought "if I'm really good this week, I'll just drop right back down to where I was".

That was a lie I told myself.

Sabotaged again.

Then I had a "fat reality check" when I noticed my numbers were wrong in my food tracker.  This meant I had been over eating my fats for a good two weeks, and not getting enough carbs.  This messed with my head, led to confusion and disappointment for me. I used this as another excuse to sabotage and not take accountability for what was happening on the scale.

I worked my way down to 191 Friday morning. I was making up some ounces, progress. Again, my mind thinks "eh, I'll be able to wing it this weekend.. it'll be fun. I don't need to micromanage my food. I'll be in control."...

Another Sabotage.

This past weekend - I wouldn't have traded any of my time and fun with some of my closest friends for ANYTHING - I should have been more diligent and mindful of my food choices. I was beyond gluttonous. I can't tell you all of what I ate and drank. I can tell you it was all too much of this, too little of that, and I still feel disgusting for most of it (except for the sushi b/c THAT was the best!)

I met Monday morning with a bit of disorientation, exhaustion, and another fat check on the scale at 194.6.  I knew it wouldn't be great, and honestly, I'm a bit surprised it wasn't worse.

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm letting myself down. I know I won't ever get to my goal of 18-20% body fat (living range I want to be at when I hit my ultimate goal), with these different lies and moments of sabotage. I need to be better. I need to believe in myself more.  I can't keep losing the same 5 lbs.

I need to do this for me.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Always a long time....



I really do like writing here.  I don't know why I always lag between my posts. I don't know what I wrote about last. Today, I'm in an okay-ish place. I'm not complaining, I'm not going to be a cheerleader word vomiting all the great things you don't need to hear from me to get your own ish straight.. I'm just gonna let my mind go for a hot second...

Read it with me?

ETP (Eat to Perform):
This is going really well. 6 months in and I feel more confident with myself, my mind, my body, my crossfit efforts than I have in a time frame I can't begin to pin down. The community is as big a part of this as the actual food part.  Group coaching has been an afforded blessing, keeping me on some kind of track, even when I'm not tracking my best. I liked my first coach, and recently changed to a new one who I feel is an even better fit. She's forged a path I'm excited to follow and hopefully reach my results.  If I can be half the success she is, THIS possibility is exciting.

I have also signed up to take the ETP certification course, and I'm eager to learn so much more about what ETP is, how it words on a macro/micro level, and see if there are doors that might open there for me to help people reach their goals. My sister has recently joined the program and I am SO excited to see what she will accomplish with this, too.  There IS power in numbers and it's so much more fun to do it with friends and family than to go it alone.

One of my sweet and best girls and family recently moved and have graciously taken me out on the lake for the past couple weekends. I honestly had no idea how therapeutic this has been for me.  I feel like I have been re-centered a bit.  I've been craving beach time and a WPB, FL trip for so long, desperate for it, even.  These little day outings have put that at bay for now, and given me a really sweet time to breathe and just be.  Even with the 123036789084 things they have going on, they have shown friendship and grace, invited me to be a part of their family, and treated me as nothing less.  I honestly think that's been a huge part of it, too. With so many bittersweet and chaotic things going on with my own family, it's been a treat to have those moments and allowances to just "be".

Back to running and other basics. 
It seems like it's taking me forever to really get my legs back in good working order. Injury upon injury, back to back to back, basically.  Right foot, left ankle, left calf... let's not forget to mention the shins what tried to do all the work and getting too tight for much of anything, too. I mean mercy!  BUT I'm slowly coming out of those things, and making them work again.  I know it's silly to celebrate, esp. when you aren't much of a runner at all in the first place, but damn... Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to.  Let's read that again...

Running doesn't suck as bad as not being able to.

It's still not my favorite, but I will take running over any day of not being able to do so. I've also started working burpees back in to the mix. Those still suck and I didn't miss not doing them, even though I know I need to for a multitude of reasons I'm not going to go in to here (because there are really that many of them), but the fact that I actually can get both legs back up at once, in a wide stance, I feel like the movement is much more fluid.  I'm spending a lot of time doing more lifting and building muscle.  My form is being broken down in to more macro movements, working on getting things right and solid so I can start adding in more substantial weight to work with. My biggest obstacle, other than anything gymnastics or speed / endurance, is getting under the bar. For some reason my body thinks I need to muscle up everything with my arms. :-P

Overall it's going really well.  I'm having fun and continually hitting new milestones.  I finally hit my sub 2 minute 500m row, so that felt pretty amazing.

This one is weird. I was about 60% certain I was going to be losing my job July 1st.  somehow it was extended to September 3rd.  I'm hopeful there is a place for me post project with the same team, as the installs slow and halt, to do follow up and post deployment work with one of my team members here.  I am going to be spending time in August to look for other opportunities, however.  I am at the point, financially, that I need to stay close to my current pay rate, put more and more aside to try and buy a home next year.  I need stable and steady employment to do so.  So we shall see.  I finally have a supervisor who is invested in seeing me succeed, providing me opportunities to prove myself and work with the other teams, strengthening my skill set and allowing me to have my hands in the dough, if that makes sense.  Somewhat encouraging and I'm thankful for her.

I'll try to do better updating more here on a more regular basis. It's as good for me to do as it is to satisfy those of you who are nosy ;) (I'm nosy, too... I'm a blogger, I get it....)