Friday, December 30, 2016

Why I don't really do birthdays.

This has nothing to do with crossfit, goals, fitness, wellness, healthy living, or anything other than what the title implies. No hidden message, agenda, or encouragement.

I don't enjoy my birthday anymore.

When I was young my parents did a great job of making me feel special on my day.  I was always one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go to school.  Presents, a special dinner, I had parties, sleepovers, pizza parties, skating parties, etc...

Then I got older.

21 was a chore, not a fun party.

25 was crap.

30 was liberating.

35 was "oh, I'm almost 40, but I still have time"

40 was devastating.
* This year I really tried to be better, to not cry, to not think about all the things I think about so often.

I feel like that's where I am this day every year.

I've realized a lot of things I dreamt of when I was younger were just dreams that would never happen.  I had to let those go.  It's the right thing to do.  and I've done okay with that.

Most of the time.

And then this day comes around, I don't plan anything anymore. No one is ever around to do anything.  If they are, they bail out (minus a very small few who step up and do everything to make me feel special).  Most get busy, are traveling, have family plans, etc.  So for someone who isn't traveling, who doesn't have a family, who isn't busy, it's one of the loneliest feelings and days of the year.  Having New Years Eve the next day and spending that alone, too, well... yeah, there's that.   But it's the reality.  It IS what it IS.  I can't change that.

I removed my day being listed on Bookface. I don't need 2381326 posts from people I never interact with and don't talk to.  No one can post on my wall because it's on lockdown. I feel like it's a great day for people to stop by and be nosy, see what I've been up to.  So no, I'll pass.

My sis put up a sweet post, which was appreciated, and also made me cringe.  Every person that likes that and comments on it, okay great, whatever.  Why do you care today?  Because someone reminded you?  Eh, meh... I'll pass on that, too. (not her, the likers and commenters)...

Look, it's a shitty time of year, a shitty season of me, and not something that I love.  It gives me more anxiety than anything.  So the faster the clock ticks today the better.  I just want to get past it and go to bed. I want things back to normal.  today isn't any different for me. People seem sad when I say this, but it's true.  This date means absolutely nothing to me other than it's the date that will be on my birth cert, death cert, and headstone.  That's it.  I'm not being morbid.  I don't have any reason to treat this day any different. I don't celebrate because there aren't many who can celebrate with me.  I could throw a party, but no one would show up.  I'm not being dramatic, I'm being real.

I'm not going to advertise for attention.  I don't want the attention.

You wishes are sweet.  I just don't need a post, a comment, a like, or anything really.  I'm older. I hate it. My grace is falling and my give-a-damn is breaking.

I don't expect you to get it.  I'd feel like an asshole asking you to.  The only thing I can do is try to explain it.