Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I did it.

Guilty as charged....

Great, now I've got Dave Matthews Band stuck in my head. (hashtag no complaints).

But what did I do?


Y'all, I still can't believe I ever walked in to that box at all, much less learned to love holding a barbell, doing a million push ups, jumping on a box (even if that's been put on hold while my ankle is STILL healing),

But nevertheless, I'm here. I'm stronger, even if my outward appearance doesn't necessarily reflect it, mentally, and physically.

I'm stronger.

What sucks is that I still feel like I've lost my "smile".  It's hard to explain, but I used to be able to look in the mirror and really smile, the real kind. Authentic.  It feels like I've adopted this weight of insecurity, this uncertainty.  Maybe it's due to job stress, the impending holidays, the weight gain (stress eating), the upcoming birthday (ugh), the fact that nothing feels like I thought it would at this point, that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be, and the fact that I never thought my reality would ever be my reality, good and bad.

All of that aside, I'm proud of myself for making it this far. I still don't know how long this will last.  Honestly, lately, I've just had the "I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse so why am I even doing it?" going through my head.  I don't know if it's really that I'm not getting better , or if I'm staying the same,  or if I'm stuck and I can't see past everything else that I feel isn't going "right" or "well", or just what. It's all very confusing.

I just read that last paragraph and I think I confused myself more, and proved my point all at the same time.

Whatever it is, I need it to change.  I need to start feeling like I'm being a good friend, employee, dog mom, crossfitter, and just good to myself. My self-talk is terrible. I can't decide on anything, but I keep trying to.  I want to know when I smile back in the mirror that I mean it.  That I don't have to try, that I'm not forcing it.

So if you're reading and you  know me away from this blog, just know I'm trying. You don't need to ask, or point things out. Believe me, I already know.

But two years.

I did that.

So for now, that's good.  That's enough.

Year 3, let's see if I make it or if my head wins.
Day 1, year 3 done. So at least there's that.

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