Heavy

Heavy.

This applies to so much right now.

Heavy lifts (yay)
Heavy heart (not yay)
Heavy body weight (not yay, more meh).
Heavy Workload (definitely meh)

So pardon my mind dump. I'm honestly just looking for a way to get it out "there" so I don't keep it all in "here", replaying it every minute.

Heavy Lifts:
Since 12/27 I've regained my focus with ETP.  I've worked my way up to "around" my calories, and semi-consistently have been hitting my macros.  It's more mindful food and eating than I've ever done.  It's hard to fix a mentality of "eat less, see the lbs go down" and eat more, scale stays somewhat the same after 6 weeks (I've lost 5-6 lbs, depending on the day).  I've learned a lot logging my food every day, and once I got used to seeing where to find 160g of protein, even on rest days, the food has been a relief.  My energy has been on the up and up.  My output in the gym, although not any faster on my WOD times, my strength and power output has increased a LOT!  I honestly love lifting the most, and feel most empowered when I hit a new PR. Also, quick update on my foot / ankle / leg issues:  I am working my way back to running on a more regular basis. I ran my first 400 in 6 months last week, and last night I ran 2 400s and a 300 in the WOD.  It wasn't fast, but it was steady and I didn't stop once. I just kept going. These are BIG wins for me, and I know it's got a lot to do with getting my food in order.


Heavy Heart:
There's so much going on in this area, I'm almost afraid to type it all out for fear of inviting more of the same in. But here it goes:
1. My G'Pa was diagnosed with advanced Adenocarcinoma (Pancreatic). to be blunt: he's dying. Quickly. Knowing my G'ma and my dad, his siblings are all brokenhearted and devastated, we all are, but how do you comfort someone who is always the strong one?  How do you plan to go see someone, knowing you most likely won't see them again? What do you say to the ones left behind who have loved him their whole lives?  We knew he was sick, but we had no idea it would happen so fast.
2. My Nana. She has dementia. When we saw her Thanksgiving, she didn't know who we were at first. Then she told me I was a disappointment.  The disease, I know. but still.  And Christmas she wouldn't even wake up to see us. Apparently she's getting even worse and more mean than usual. I'm having a hard time thinking that of all the great days we have, of all the life we get to live, these are the terrible things that we are reduced to as we grow old and prepare to die. There is no dignity in any of this. There is pain, confusion and heartbreak.

That's heavy.

3. My friend lost her dad Tuesday. His heart was tired. He wore his heart out for living so big and so bold.  I didn't know him, never met him, but I know how she spoke of him and of all the fantastic things she shared about him, and how ridiculously large his smile was in the pictures with his family. They really knew and exuded love and pride for one another. So fortunate to be confident in those things from your family.  I know her heart is broken in a million pieces. She didn't go to sleep on Monday contemplating she would say goodbye to him the next day she woke up.

4. One of my best friends, if not my best, Her sweet dad, bless him. His cancer is becoming more aggressive. This time it's in his hip joint.  They are going to do the best they can to address it tomorrow, with a possible hip replacement. I'm praying that it goes well. He's been through SO much with this, and I don't think I've known anyone to fight this harder and more purposeful than he has. I pray every day that he is another of God's big miracles, the kind people talk about for the rest of our existence.

Heavy Body Weight:
The ETP stuff is working. I know it is. I'm still up over 200.  I have been asked to be a bridesmaid for a sweet and lovely friend at the end of July. I am desperately working my ass off to lean out and look the best I ever have by her wedding date. I will always be a work in progress, Lord willing, but I'm ready to feel more confident than I ever have, and look like a toned athlete.  No one wants to be the one people see in pictures now and every anniversary celebrated on social media as "the fluffy / chubby bridesmaid".   so I signed up for Group Coaching for the next month. Maybe the month after that, too, with a hope of doing a PFFL (Performance focus fat loss) round, or speak to coaches and see about doing it at the same time? I'm not sure what would be best. But I think it lasts a few months, so it wouldn't be bad to start and have time to push at the end for bigger results.  I'm tired of playing around.  If I sit here and think about the amount of time, effort, money, and tears I've put toward getting better, losing weight, It's overwhelmingly depressing. It's hard to change your mindset from eat less, weigh less.  Pray that something starts to happen sooner rather than later. I deserve to see something drastic. I feel that I'm SO close to unlocking my biggest potential, my most drastic transformation. Part of me feels like I'm waiting for that to happen before I allow myself to consider a lot of other things.

Heavy Work Load.
This has been ongoing since I started my job.  I don't know that I was truly prepared for what the job entailed.  I know I certainly did not get the background or training to revolve around the schedule, the expectations, etc. I've been overwhelmed since day one. As much as I've tried to gain any confidence, it was shot right back down the second it started to go up. I respond to the feedback by recoiling and got so nervous to hit send on an email for fear that something else will come back and bite me, which of course means that it will.   I wanted to do so good. I don't feel like I was every really given the chance to. The lady who had the role before me apparently was the best person ever, so I don't know that I truly stood a chance.

All that to say that I was told this week that my role is changing to one that is strictly a contractor role, with no hopes of being brought on as an employee. I should have known better than to trust the 90 day rule I was told when I was offered the position. The money has been okay, sometimes even nice, BUT I'm also paying my own insurance out of pocket, which if you know anything about the "affordable" bullshit, it really isn't, so... And the icing on the cake is that I get to "train" the person I'm being replaced with. I feel like every time I stand up, someone is waiting to throw an egg in my face.

I'm most likely spending my weekend getting my resume' polished and uploaded, reaching out to potential opportunities, networking with those that I know have reputable connections in my town.  fingers crossed there are opps that will afford me to stay in my apartment, and not have to live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard to really look at this and think "this is what I've gotten to"... It's so disappointing and I don't know that I have much of a mindset to seek my new direction.  It's a constant argument in my mind. I'll come back up. I always do, but damn.

Y'all, this is my heavy right now and it's more than enough. I need to not be so heavy hearted right now. I hate it.  I'm beyond grateful for the chance to still be able to make it to crossfit.  I'm nervous that there's something that will come along and take that away.  I'm busting my ass and making it a priority to go every day (minus the weekends). I'm running more, I'm lifting more, and I'm focusing on getting better. I can't contemplate what my life looks like without it. None of this is the 40 I thought I'd ever be living.

So if you're the praying type, lift these folks, my family, my friends, up in a prayer or few.  Lord knows we could all use them right now.