Sabotage

I am SO good at it. Let me tell you how.

I've been on this wellness / get healthier track for a long time. I'm sure I could trace it back to forever if I really thought about it and wanted to.  all that to say, however, that all for but a couple of downward spirals when I honestly didn't care who or what or when or how, I've had a subconscious desire to be the best version of me. I hope that never changes.

My self confidence, however, has always been somewhat questionable. I go through phases of feeling amazing, wanting to look my best, attract the right people to surround myself with, etc.  I think I've done a fairly good job at that, too, minus a few blind spots.

So that brings me to what led me to write this today.

The 30th of June I got down to 189.2 lbs. That may not be anything to someone who has no trouble living at 130 or so... I'm sure the perception of someone who is almost 190 - 200 lbs is a bit different than me, or maybe not... anywho, that's not my focus.  I'm sharing my weight because I was PROUD of that.  I've worked really hard to get to that point, tracking, counting, working out, being mindful.  I earned it.

I shared my progress with everyone on my FB page, instagram, my ETP groups.  I was celebrated a bit, which wasn't my intention - I honestly wanted to encourage others to keep fighting for themselves and not to be afraid of the hard work (because it's really not that hard when you have the right things in the right places). but people were commenting about my body changing to my face.  It felt REALLY good. I'm not great at compliments and I don't love attention.  I need some of both, I think we all do to some level, but these things have always been some sort of sabotage trigger for me.  It gives me freedom and some twisted lack of discipline.  I don't understand it, nor can I diagnose what drives my mind switch, but I get some kind of permission to "let go".

So that's what I did.

Two weekends ago, July 4th weekend, I was a bit gluttonous with my food, didn't track much that weekend, and I was back up to 194 the morning of July 4th. I thought "if I'm really good this week, I'll just drop right back down to where I was".

That was a lie I told myself.

Sabotaged again.

Then I had a "fat reality check" when I noticed my numbers were wrong in my food tracker.  This meant I had been over eating my fats for a good two weeks, and not getting enough carbs.  This messed with my head, led to confusion and disappointment for me. I used this as another excuse to sabotage and not take accountability for what was happening on the scale.

I worked my way down to 191 Friday morning. I was making up some ounces, progress. Again, my mind thinks "eh, I'll be able to wing it this weekend.. it'll be fun. I don't need to micromanage my food. I'll be in control."...

Another Sabotage.

This past weekend - I wouldn't have traded any of my time and fun with some of my closest friends for ANYTHING - I should have been more diligent and mindful of my food choices. I was beyond gluttonous. I can't tell you all of what I ate and drank. I can tell you it was all too much of this, too little of that, and I still feel disgusting for most of it (except for the sushi b/c THAT was the best!)

I met Monday morning with a bit of disorientation, exhaustion, and another fat check on the scale at 194.6.  I knew it wouldn't be great, and honestly, I'm a bit surprised it wasn't worse.

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm letting myself down. I know I won't ever get to my goal of 18-20% body fat (living range I want to be at when I hit my ultimate goal), with these different lies and moments of sabotage. I need to be better. I need to believe in myself more.  I can't keep losing the same 5 lbs.

I need to do this for me.