I Drank the Kool-Aid

See that cute new little tab on the top right hand side???

yeah, that's right...

I'm in... For at least 6 months.

Crossfit.

Holy shit.

I love the box I've joined, the coaches, the location, the schedule flexibility, the members I've met so far, and I know I'm going to get in to the best shape I've ever been in my life.

I can sit here and reflect on all the bullshit that has happened in the past 12 months, because quite frankly it was 12 months ago that it started to turn from peace and happiness to worry, stress, heartbreak, and ultimate destruction.  

Or I can find something to exhaust me so I don't have to think about it all the time... about how he said he didn't have time to date, yet he's dating her... which in itself is disgusting.

I guess he found the time...

It doesn't mean he doesn't still break my heart, because, quite honestly, he will for the rest of my life.

So now, after I see the lies, the signs, the half-truths, the bullshit, I'm going to focus on me. Because when all is said and done, the only guarantee I have in my life is that if I wake up tomorrow, I'm still here, and I at least have myself, if no one else. Not a pity party, just a fact... The reality.  I've accepted this, and you should, too.


Crossfit will be my distraction.  Crossfit I will do for myself.  Crossfit will cloud my head with goals and ideas I didn't have before, because something has to take the place of the effort and time and money I wasted trying to show someone that I loved him.  He couldn't have cared less.

I wasn't worth it for him.  So I guess I have to be worth something for myself...

What do I want from all this?  I need to have goals. I need to make sure they are written down. I need to have a record of my why...  So here's what I have so far:

Ultimately I want:
 to lose 30+ lbs. 30 is the minimum.
to be strong
to have definition in my arms
finish a WOD in the time given
to not be dead last
     ... maybe dare I say "first"?
for my knees to not hurt
to see a glimmer of a 6 pack
to do a box jump & not put a hole in my shin.
to not be afraid
to make working out a habit, not a "have to", but a "want to"
to be defined as fit
for people to see me as authentic, not just someone who spouts off facts, but someone who can back them up.
to be motivated by myself, and not have to depend on others (this is across the board, not just for crossfit or working out)
to run a 5K without being winded
To be a size 6
To achieve all of these to make a list of new goals

All because I Googled "Wiener Dog"

I got my dog off of Craigslist in November 2007.  She was a total impulse buy, but I was excited! I quickly got her home and started Googling everything and anything I could on "Dachshunds", "Wiener Dogs", and any other name or misspelling they could be classified under. Along the way, I stumbled across a blog called "The Wonderful World of Wieners".  I kept reading and thought that if she didn't live in Maine, some place I don't know I'll ever visit, so far away from Texas, that Hallie and I could be friends.  I celebrated her sons birthdays, her dad's transplant, graduations, military adventures, her adoration for her husband (and him for her, too), just a really nice family.  The kind of family that you'd be happy to have as neighbors, see at the grocery store, etc.  You just know the kind that have similar thoughts, values, ways of living, etc. 

I got busy.  I stopped keeping up with my Google Reader (RIP), and some 6 months or so go by, and I get back on Reader, see something that catches my eye.  She said something about being sorry for Schmoops, how she let him down, how she didn't do enough to save him... I gasped.  Surely nothing had happened to him.  Her firstborn, her oldest son... I knew he'd had some stress in the Army. I knew that he was close to his family, and there were other things that had been going on, but never ever did I expect or anticipate what I would discover, going back and catching up on the blogs I'd missed.

CJ was gone. 

Her firstborn. Her Schmoops. Her baby. There was some sort of situation that he went to his car, at the end of their driveway.  He took his life.  One shot. He was gone. 

I sobbed. 

I had missed the day she shared the tragic news, but in the moment I realized her sadness, caught up on the words, the regret, the pain she had, I messaged her immediately.  I friended her on facebook, and each time she posted, her pain was so public, but I understood it. I cried with her over and over again.  I've prayed for her more. 

Yesterday, 42 months after CJ left, she posted the most beautiful request on her page.  I've copied and pasted below:

"Been thinking a lot lately about CJ's ashes and the lack of a final resting place. Both John and I feel strongly that we do not want the burden of disposal to fall to Connor when we are gone. We truly believe that it's our responsibility to attend to. 

Our son did not get to see the world as he might have if he had lived. Our son did not experience travel as he might have if he had lived. Our son did not experience adventures as he might have if he had lived.

He just didn't. And it breaks my heart.

And it makes me want to give him these things if I can.

John and I want our beloved Shmoops to see the world, BECOME part of a world he didn't get to see.

We'd love for our son to see the mountains that he never got to climb, see the vast oceans that he would have loved, see tropical beaches and lands far and away.

We believe that CJ would be happy to know that caring and sensitive people, both friends and strangers alike, took him on an adventure and sprinkled a small portion of his ashes in places worth seeing.

We have already begun spreading small amounts of our son in places that meant something to him: Oqunguit Beach, Hampton Beach, the Marginal Way, Florida and even a certain ballpark that he loved.

Kimmy and Ryan graciously took him to Washington, DC and scattered him in an area dedicated to the military.

Some of his ashes are scattered below the tree planted in his honor at The Loop in Methuen.

We've scattered some of his ashes but we have a lot left.

Would love to have people, through the power of social media, spread this post to see if anyone out there would be willing to take some of my son's ashes and show him the world. To show him a beautiful place he never made it to and to scatter his ashes at that location.

All I ask is that you promise to think of my amazing son even if you didn't know him. That you find the right place to send my son off on a journey. That you think about all the lives he saved through organ donation. That you tell him that his mom will always love him. And that's she sorry. YOU MUST AGREE TO SAY THAT. Because I am and I need him to hear it as the last thing he hears before he takes off.

I would ask that you take a picture of the location you scattered his ashes and write a description of the moment. Where you alone? Was it sunny? Windy? Near water? Rainy? Was their a view? If you can also take a second photo of his ashes actually being scattered, that would be truly appreciated.

My plan is to publish a journal of his adventures (SOARING AFTER SUICIDE) and hopefully publish it. ALl proceeds would go to the NEw England Organ Bank.

Not sure if it will end up being publish worthy but CJ's story IS worth sharing. This is just another way to do it.

AM I CRAZY?

Are there people out there that are willing to help this heartbroken mom give her beloved son one last adventure?

SUICIDE IS A BEAST.

I can't let the beast win.

I MUST find a way for my son to soar across the universe."

I commented immediately, willing and wanting to share Austin w/ CJ and Hallie, and their family. Thinking, if anything, it was the least I could do, to offer.  Honestly thinking that she would appreciate it, but most likely He'd travel to exotic and fantastic, wonderful, places.

I got to work to see a message from Hallie, thanking me for my offer, and questions regarding the places I could offer to take CJ, to share, to help extend an ounce of peace. I cried. I cried a lot. 

I cried while responding to her.  My heart breaks for this family, for Hallie carrying the guilt and burden of that moment.  

I want to cry again.

I don't know when CJ will be in Austin, but I look forward to the time I will spend with him, his ashes, and the words I will share with this family.  I hope one day I can meet them all, extend a hug and get to know more about the son / brother they lost. 

I will let you all know, so that if you'd like to join me on CJs Austin adventure, and visit, you can do so.  

Please be praying for this family, as nearly 2 years later, their grief is no less, the pain has not and will not subside, as they continue to live, missing their loved one. 

All because I Googled "Wiener Dogs". 

Was once a Butler...

This morning, I was on the phone with my mom as I was driving to work.  Just catching up after the weekend, as is a pretty usual thing...

I got a text message from my older brother ( I have an older sister, too)... we all have the same dad, they have the same mom, and my younger sister and I have the same mom...

Anywho...

My younger sister and I haven't been close with that side of the family in a very long time.  A tumultuous divorce and ignored custody, alcoholism and mental / physical abuse by our biological dad, my mom always let us make the choice on how much of a relationship we had with him.  After years of 1 child support check, mailbox birthday cards (not mailed, but the effort to drop off and not see us), beer over bonding and sheer fear of what he would do when... we let him go.  We chose not to pursue that relationship.  He chose not to try.

When we each turned 18, we went to court and had our name changed to that of the man who was our father, the man who raised us, loved us, and was more of a father than any DNA could pre-determine.  We became Meauxs.

Younger sister and I had been lead back to a part time relationship with our older siblings via a high school friend, and email, facebook, etc.  So we've been in touch, just haven't seen each other very much.

Oh, back to the text from the brother... So he texts us that our grandmother from dad's side had passed away last night.  I knew she was in poor health, so in the regard that she's at peace is comforting.  He'd mentioned before that she had told him that she wanted to see us again, and I'm sure she did.  Knowing that she was still his mother, I didn't trust that she wouldn't betray, or tell him something about me.

I don't want him to have the satisfaction of seeing me, knowing an ounce of anything about me.

My cousins, who live in Arizona, will be coming in for the service.   One of the younger ones reached out to my sister and I today, asking if we would be there, as they would all like to see us and still love us, and have missed knowing us.   We are all connected on Facebook, so we've been able to get to know them on some level there.

It would be so good to see them, and be around them, I'm just hesitant because of him.

I know this will sound harsh, but it would be so much easier if he weren't around... The day he doesn't exist anymore will find me sighing a huge sigh of relief.  I won't ever have to wonder if he will have a moment of trying to find me, showing up on my doorstep, and having a moment of crazy... Hell, he could have that moment of crazy if we show up, I have no idea...

So I'm crossing my fingers I get to see my cousins and siblings, paying my respects to my grandmother on my own time, and not during the service. I don't think I am at that point... it's a shame, really...

But I used to be a Butler.

The verse that saved my life

"Now Faith is the Substance of things Hoped for and the Evidence of Things not Yet seen"

Hebrews 11:1

If you've been a reader or facebooker or twitter follower of mine for any length of time, you've more than likely seen this verse posted and mentioned before.  I can't even to begin to tell you how grateful I am for whomever wrote it in the book of Hebrews (could have been my main man (next to Jesus), Precious Paul, but it's not been decided upon by the scholars.)  That's not the important part, though.  Those words... wow... just read it again. Slowly.  I don't know what made me sit up and pay attention to that one verse when I saw it in a book, but wow... I'm so so so glad it did!

Still today, some 6 years later, there it is, and it's just as powerful for me now as it was then.  So much so, that on New Years Eve, I got the tattoo above done on the inside of my right wrist.  It's funny to realize that it's even more a part of me now than it was just an hour before it was done, and I'm not just talking about the "permanent" part on  my body.

It's no secret that I struggle with depression and insecurity somewhat frequently.  For someone like myself who is generally optimistic, depression and insecurity are pretty painful things.  Dark rooms, too many thoughts to process, too many tears to count, and an insane amount of things that can trigger it any time.

This verse saved my life.

There are two times in my life that I prayed for a means to an end.  It's not something I ever think is cool, and I now know that I was completely saved for a good reason or few. I think when I saw this in a book (and no, it wasn't the Bible,  yet a book about how we are all per-destined to be blessed), I finally got what God had been trying to tell me for SO long, but I was too sad, too blind,  and too deaf to hear anything He wanted to tell me.  Depression is a fickle beast!

Since that day, I've recognized the things He has blessed me with and a few things He hasn't just yet.  BUT I love that word "yet"... It doesn't mean "never"... it's merely an undefined amount of time, and in that time we have to trust and have that faith that God knows every inch of our hearts and our desires.  He wants to bless us in ways we can't even fathom or even begin to understand.  We cannot fulfill our own desires.  All of the blessings of answered prayers and those we still have yet to pray, that is our faith, that God will see to it that we receive those things in His time and in His terms.

The hardest thing I am focusing on this year is not the 50 lb weight loss I am striving to achieve, but it's to get my SELF out of the way and trust and have ultimate Faith that God has my life and my heart in His hands.

Seeing this on my wrist, every time I move my arm / hand, it's already making a huge difference in my thoughts and allowing me to enjoy more peace than I've had in, well, forever.

I hope this lets you in a little deeper and finds you smiling, knowing that God wants all of these things for you, too.  Have faith in Him.  He will continue to bless you, and He already has.

Happy New Year, 

~C~