Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Looking in the Mirror

It's funny. I know I see "A" reflection in front of the mirror...  I watch as I brush my teeth, so I don't drool all down the front of my outfit for the day.... I brush my hair, throw it up in a pony most days, because I'm lazy and it's probably a gym day, and would hate for that to be off center...  I zoom in to catch any wayward eyebrows that need tending...  I hurriedly put on my make up, too,  just making sure I "stay within the lines" and don't walk out looking like Dorothy from the Drew Carey Show...

But it donned on me this morning.  Rarely do I "SEE" myself. I have a mental image of what I look like, so it's not like I have any need to stare at myself, or want to...  I think this is normal???

Then this morning I caught a glimpse of a reflection that looked different to me.  It didn't match what I had in my head of how I see myself.  It was a "who is that?"

I know my sizes are changing, my inches are changing, the lbs are changing... there is a lot of change going on here.  It's not easy, but for the most part, it's enjoyable.  Other people noticing, well that's good, I suppose, but it's also the trigger for sabotage, too... (more on that in another post).

I sent a pic to a couple of close friends today because what I saw felt so different to me. It was uncomfortable. I don't know how I feel about it. It feels completely weird.  I saw my face as "thin".  It's a whole new thing to me.

I've lost another 5 lbs while doing this paleo challenge, so I'm up to 45 total, with another 35 to go.  Today I actually feel like I might accomplish the goal by fall, if I stay with it, stay dedicated, stay focused.

This whole thing, it's such a mind game.

Part of me wants to be excited to see myself differently, but it's also about being different and letting go of an identity I've had with myself for years. I also see myself looking older. So that part makes me a little sad.  It makes me nervous that the more I lose, the older I'll look. I guess I can't stay 25 forever ;) ...

But if I'm going to be alone, I won't regret a single day I spent in the sun.

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