Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I keep forgetting...

Then I remember...

I have a freaking "competition" this weekend.

Okay, so it's not "competing" with strangers, with the general public watching and invited and everything, but it's a competition at our box.

I'm not really nervous about doing the work.  I'm nervous about being or appearing vulnerable.  About being watched by my peers. I never have really thrived on spectator attention. Being coached, encouraged as I finish last during a WOD, okay... but that's generally like 4 people.  There will be more there watching me finish last, or close to it, I'm sure.

We are competing against / with one another, as partners, and I don't know who my partner is yet... that'll be determined on Saturday morning, I guess, by our coaches.  And I already feel sorry for the person that gets paired with me. The last thing I want is to let my partner down, slow them down, make them finish way past what they deserve.

Then we get 3 WODs to do...  I've never done 2 WODs in a day, much less 3.

I just don't want to embarrass myself.

Fear of failure.

I had to learn how to fail on a 1 rep max. That wasn't a fun lesson. It was more fun to play it safe and be successful. It's always more fun to be successful and in control.

See, none of this is about strength.  This is all mental.

And I feel completely unprepared and insecure about every single element.

Injury, weight gain, modified movements b/c of said injury, etc...

It's a really mean cycle.

I guess for now, though, I'm going to try to not remember for a little bit and see what I can do to attack the WOD in front of me today...

I still have 2 full days to panic and remind myself not to vomit on Saturday.

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