It's almost here... Actually I should say "they're"...
New Years Eve
New Years Day
Finding out if my contract with work goes past the end of January
and a shit load of anxiety.
Every single one of those.
I've been fighting anxiety and depression this season like I haven't had in a few years. I hate it when it comes up. Trying to hide it gets more challenging because I'm aware of all my nuances, and behaviors, and the closer my few friends get, the more often they recognize it. The difference this year is that I'm not just aware of it, but I'm really doing everything I can to fight it. It's not going to last forever and I know this. But knowing that people will bring up a birthday I'm not keen on celebrating, my age, making a big deal about it over and over and over again, is just one reminder after another that I'm not happy. I'm not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point. In my 30s I had so much hope. The hope tank is empty. No kids. I should have known. Actually I think I did know when I was 23 that it wasn't in my "plan"... not the plan I chose for myself, anyway. Being alone, I guess I should have always considered it. Silly me.
But I digress.
2016 I'm hitting the reset button as best I can. Here's the things I'd like to spend my time focused on:
Being more careful when making memories and who I share them with.
I'm going to get serious about finding a new Dachshund to add to our pack. Bella needs a sibling and I've been looking for one since I moved.
Travel more. Even if I go places alone I'm going to go see more and do more.
I'm going to get my health right. I have needed a full work up and blood panel for a while. Fear of the unknown is diminished by my frustration with not being able to lose a serious amount of fat with my increased muscle and fitness efforts.
I've been thinking of my Crossfit goals, too.
I am confident in a few things, and lacking confidence in a laundry list of others. So I'll have a mix of possibilities so I can get things moving up more than backtracking or staying the same.
1. Bench Press - I want to work up to at LEAST 150. I'm at 130 now. I'm pretty confident that I can get close or even beat this. Attainable.
2. Run a 5k in under 45 mins. I need to get my running back. I started that today, running 200s. I need my legs, ankles, feet all healthy, and to stay that way.
3. Focus on my own work, outside of class. Additional programming? Make a plan and stick to it. Possible 2-a-days, or add in Saturday and /or Sunday work. Something...
4. 10 DUs unbroken. Again, attainable. I can do the single (x3), double, combo, and need to spend more time practicing. I dig my new rope.
5. It would be nice to get a HSPU, T2B, Pull-Up, but those are going to be added bonuses. I think i f I can figure out the health stuff, the weight / fat retention issues, some of these will be more possible than they are today.
That's where I am today. It's not the best place, mentally, emotionally, but here's hoping that once all these "things" get past, my mood and mentality will get better.