The State of Things

I need to kinda do hodgepodge "unload" of things... Not bad things, but I feel like I've gone from not busy, to "WHOA! I'm already through June and It's only Mid-April", and then my heart starts racing and if I don't get things down, make a list, get some control and order in place, then I'm going to set myself up to fail at a LOT of things. 

I don't fail well. 

so sit back and enjoy the read, or don't read at all... ;-) 

Work:

I'm coming up on my 1 yr at my current position. The guy who hired me retired in Dec. and the guy who has become my boss is really great. I genuinely do like him, but I don't feel like I have had enough time with him to understand his expectations.  My role is still being developed, and I was hoping that I would have established myself as an asset to the team by now.  But I'm feeling like I'm expendable. I'm a contractor. I suppose that just comes with the territory.  However, my last job I was an employee and I was let go, so I guess nothing comes with job security anymore. 

Gym:

Things here are kinda the same.  I'm not really hitting many PRs right now, and my times, if anything are slipping backward.  I feel like I'm running slower, my recovery is taking longer, and I'm in a fitness rut.  But I'm still gaining muscle, so that's a good thing. I still don't love running, now dealing with tight calves and the slightest hint of a shin splint on my left leg, so I'm not pushing this a ton. 

Diet:

April 21st. 

60 days. (well technically like 62, since I'm going to June 21st, which is a Sunday)... BUT this is huge. My recent blog post  kinda touched on what's been going through my head, feeling stuck... Adding muscle, not losing fat quick enough, getting stronger, but ultimately gaining weight that I can't explain away, much less justify, etc...   So I'm making some pretty drastic changes. Well not so "super drastic", but big changes for me.  I eat pretty well for the most part.  Well meaning "Clean", few processed foods, structured calories in, exercise out, etc. But I've been using artificial sweeteners since I started drinking tea and coffee, so that's been a while.  I'm cutting it all out. Yes, I'll have a few cheats here and there, but if I go to dinner and don't dive in to the queso, you'll know why. This also means I'm putting my Advocare intake on hiatus until this is done. No spark. No Meal Replacement Shakes. No Rehydrate, None. This will be the biggest challenge of all. I've done it once for 30 days and it was what I missed the most. 

That being said, I'm not quitting Advocare. I'm still going to help people who are interested in learning what it holds, what the products can do, what money they can make if they so choose to see the biz, and live healthy while doing so. I trust Advocare. I love Advocare. The products, the company, the people... I love it all. 

I'm just taking a 62 day break from it and I'll re-introduce things when I get to the other side of this.

 

      - Journal

        Part of this 62 day trial is journaling. I don't know why this is such a daunting and fearful task. I know I'm self deprecating.  I don't like to boast, or brag, or cheer for myself. It's much more exciting and fun when I can do that for other people. Honestly, I haven't let myself think about "Blessings", "wants", "great expectations", etc, mainly out of fear of being let down and disappointed.  I've really just gotten tired of being let down and not seeing those great and positive things come to fruition, so I've adapted to and adopted this mindset of not thinking about those things.  That way it's a "roll with the punches" but I don't feel like I've been let down so much b/c the expectations weren't there. I'm pretty screwed up, I know... 

Massages / Cupping:

I've been getting massages once a month, and could probably do more if I wanted to pay for them :P I am working on strengthening my back and correcting some of my form, so I've had a whole new set of aches and pains that I'm working through. Note: a 215# deadlift will make your head spin and strain your back a little bit ;-)  We also have a gym member who does cupping.  I'd never had it done before, and she was doing free 15 min. sessions at the gym. It was crazy!!! I looked like I had angel wing hickeys on my back :P  Not sure how often I'd get it done, but I wouldn't be opposed to spending some serious time with it again.  

Moving:

So I wanted to buy a house.  That didn't go my way, although I was completely set up and prepared financially.  (See, that whole expectation / let down thing...) BUT Apparently my job isn't good enough for Fannie Mae. It's total crap. SO now I'm in a bit of a quandary. Do I stay in my apartment for another year, making it 9 yrs in one place, out of room where I am, really NEED to move, but can't justify the expense, BUT it would help me get set and get rid of a bunch of crap, OR do I move to a 2 bdrm at my same complex? Because after 8+ yrs w/ them, I'd be dumb to move elsewhere.  I love the area and the complex. My complaint right now is my space. I'm just out of it. But if I don't have a yard w/ the new apt, then I'm staying. That's pretty much what it's come down to. I can't justify moving and spending money to set up all new utilities and the effort and frustration for more money... 

Body Image:

My body image just sucks. I'll admit it. It's that whole self-deprecating thing. It's hard, though. I mean one morning, I'll wake up, no scale, just "feel" like I look "smaller", so I get dressed according to that, have a small bit of confidence, then BAM. I get to work and see myself in the mirror and it's like I never looked in one before I left home. Like one of those "oh that poor girl must not have any friends b/c none of my friends would EVER have let me leave the house looking like THAT!" kind of moment.  Thos happen a lot. And I don't see the changes I feel like I've been fighting for for years, but especially the last year.  I figured I'd start doing crossfit and I'd end up looking like this super fit and fab girl.

I don't.  Not yet, anyway.

Doctors:

I know. I know. I need to go. I don't have time to go and honestly it makes me nervous to think about what all they'll tell me is wrong and then something will get in to my head, like that needs to happen, and I"ll get derailed, I won't be able to work out, my life will change for the worse and it'll all be because I went to the stupid doctor. 

Spring / Summer Fun:

Seriously, my calendar in to June is already full. Where has my year gone?  And I'm supposed to move when? Wait, whaaatt??  But really, I want to spend a lot of time with my girlfriends. I seriously have the most solid group of girlfriends that I've ever had.  I want to do alll the things. But then I get the "I don't have vacation with work, so good luck getting time off and being able to afford that"... I should save some pennies and make it happen. I'll go ahead and add that to my plate, too, because, well, why not.

If you got this far, you're a champ. 

And I'm exhausted, nervous, and not quite sure where to start it all, but I gotta start somewhere. 

What tools do you use to stay organized?

Me? Single? HA! (Always!)

This Buzzfeed article cracked me UP!

So much so that I had to reply to each of the "You're single because..." Assumptions

These were half true, have obnoxious, and mostly ridiculous, but true.  But not really.

1. You're too busy to meet new people.

*probably.

2. You're mixing in the wrong circles.

*maybe, but I like my circles.

3. All your friends settled down super early and don't introduce you to single people any more.

*not really… I have a good mix of single v. marrieds

4. You're too intimidating.

*I've heard this before.

5. You have the aura of someone who isn’t single.

*um, no, I'm pretty sure my aura screams “SINGLE”

6. You're too modest to notice when someone likes you.

*totally. Well maybe not modest, but more so oblivious

7. You've been misremembering your phone number for years.

*No, I know my number. I don't usually give it out.

8. There are loads of people with your name on Facebook, which makes you difficult to find.

*Nope, there’s only one other me and she’s in Louisiana

9. You're better looking than most people.

*duh

10. You live in an ugly area of town.

*no, my part of town is pretty pretty

11. And everyone at your work is ugly, apart from you.

*no, they're just all married or hooked up, I think.

12. And all of your friends are ugly.

*nope.

13. And all of their friends are ugly.

*again, nope.

14. And you are just intimidatingly gorgeous.

*above average, yes. But this, no.

15. Your Tinder pictures are too modest.

*No “Tinder”.

16. Your OkCupid profile doesn’t reflect your shining personality.

*No online dating profiles anywhere.

17. Everyone on match.com is too basic for you.

*see #16

18. You're too independent.

*Probably. But I've had to be.

19. Your political views are too advanced for your generation.

*No, I think those are pretty even and laid back.

20. Your conversation is too intellectual for your peers.

* I can be a bit cerebral and witty… too intellectual? I don’t think so.

21. You're going to the wrong bars.

*Totally.

22. Everyone at the bars you go to is uglier than you.

*Not uglier, just younger.

23. And more stupid.

*See #22

24. And less fun.

*Oh I'm fun, I’m just the less fun one.

25. You're too spontaneous, and people can’t keep up.

*Spontaneity scares me.

26. People are too exhausted to hang out with you because you’re so much fun.

*No, it’s more or less the other way around.

27. Your star quality is so bright, it blinds potential suitors.

* I think it’s dulled down a little bit.

28. Your personality is so warm, it makes people sweat.

*This could be part of it.

29. You’re so hot, you burn anyone who looks at you too long.

*Whatever. Shut up.

30. Your conversation is so deep that after talking to you people have to ponder your thoughts for weeks, and that’s why they never call you back.

*Yeah, I totally over-think and go off on random, irrelevant tangents.

31. You’re so sassy, people are afraid of your shade.

*I’m a classy sassy, or at least I try to be.

32. People like you so much that they can’t risk asking you out for fear of rejection.

*Yeah, whatever. Short list, if any.

33. You’re so cool that people don’t want to be compared to you.

*Yeah, that’s it. Smh.

34. You’re too revolutionary.

*Huh?

35. People assume that phones are too mainstream for you, and so never ask for your number.

*I can guarantee this isn’t it at all.

36. You’re such a catch, people can’t believe you’re not taken.

*Totally

37. You’re so funny, people always wet themselves in your company and then don’t want to get too close in case you smell the pee.

*Oh, well that makes complete (albeit disgusting) sense.

38. You’re so interesting that people are scared of boring you with their mundane chat.

*Doubtful.

39. People assume you’re so cultured you've seen every film ever made, so they never ask you to go to the cinema with them.

*More doubtful (more of the “I’m not cultured enough and  probably wouldn't understand it")

40. People think you’re too responsible for alcohol so don’t ask you out for drinks.

*Ha! Ha! Ha! My friends know better

41. People think you’re so fit you must run everywhere so never ask you to go for a walk in the park with them.

*More that I can’t keep up, so the walk would take too long.

42. People think you’re so creative that all art ever made must bore you, so never ask you to go to a museum with them.

*No, I’m just a crazy craft lady.  They are all very scared of the mess.

43. You’re so godly, people assume you’re not human and don’t eat normal food so don’t ask you out to dinner.

*Godly?  Haha. I don’t think that’s ever been thought of about me.  

44. People think you are just so great and beautiful and interesting and funny that there is no way in hell you can be single, and if you were you would never go out with them, and that is why you are still looking for someone as equally fabulous as you.

*Exactly. ;-)

8 day streak...

SO I've managed to log in to My Fitness Pal for 8 days and I have tracked pretty close, if not on the dot, to my caloric intake.

Good and Bad.

I'd lost 3 lbs after like 4 days, then I added them right back on this weekend w/ food and drink consumption on Thursday & Saturday.

I haven't done any of my 5K walking, either.

This week I'm getting 10 meals from Fixed Foods delivered, so I'll be doing those for Lunch & dinner.  I'll see how much of a difference that will make.  Basically, if I don't eat anything outside of my usual with that, I'll have my Advocare Shakes for breakfast, Almonds / Fruit for snack, and my FF meals for lunch and dinner.  All but the Advocare is Paleo.

It's been a slow transition and maybe one day I'll go 100%, but I need to exercise this dedication and commitment to myself. I HAVE to see something change. I HAVE to see the inches change.

Y'all, I don't care about the scale. I really don't. I care about how I look. I know I don't see a lot of the changes that everyone else sees, and that's my fault for being that hard on myself, but I own it. I'll take full responsibility for it.

The measuring tape is what I CAN see change.

And when that doesn't and the scale goes up, the fat percentage stays the same, and I can't justify the number on the scale, much less understand why or what is happening, THAT is my weight issue.

Justifying it, understanding it, being able to look at some fat-shaming asshole and tell him "The scale may say THIS, and I might be a size 10/12, BUT my percentage is spot on and I have THIS much of my weight in muscle". and be able to walk off and feel like I just won at life...

THAT is what I want.

Justifiable pride.

So tomorrow I'll log back in again.