Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The State of Things

I need to kinda do hodgepodge "unload" of things... Not bad things, but I feel like I've gone from not busy, to "WHOA! I'm already through June and It's only Mid-April", and then my heart starts racing and if I don't get things down, make a list, get some control and order in place, then I'm going to set myself up to fail at a LOT of things. 

I don't fail well. 

so sit back and enjoy the read, or don't read at all... ;-) 

I'm coming up on my 1 yr at my current position. The guy who hired me retired in Dec. and the guy who has become my boss is really great. I genuinely do like him, but I don't feel like I have had enough time with him to understand his expectations.  My role is still being developed, and I was hoping that I would have established myself as an asset to the team by now.  But I'm feeling like I'm expendable. I'm a contractor. I suppose that just comes with the territory.  However, my last job I was an employee and I was let go, so I guess nothing comes with job security anymore. 

Things here are kinda the same.  I'm not really hitting many PRs right now, and my times, if anything are slipping backward.  I feel like I'm running slower, my recovery is taking longer, and I'm in a fitness rut.  But I'm still gaining muscle, so that's a good thing. I still don't love running, now dealing with tight calves and the slightest hint of a shin splint on my left leg, so I'm not pushing this a ton. 

April 21st. 
60 days. (well technically like 62, since I'm going to June 21st, which is a Sunday)... BUT this is huge. My recent blog post  kinda touched on what's been going through my head, feeling stuck... Adding muscle, not losing fat quick enough, getting stronger, but ultimately gaining weight that I can't explain away, much less justify, etc...   So I'm making some pretty drastic changes. Well not so "super drastic", but big changes for me.  I eat pretty well for the most part.  Well meaning "Clean", few processed foods, structured calories in, exercise out, etc. But I've been using artificial sweeteners since I started drinking tea and coffee, so that's been a while.  I'm cutting it all out. Yes, I'll have a few cheats here and there, but if I go to dinner and don't dive in to the queso, you'll know why. This also means I'm putting my Advocare intake on hiatus until this is done. No spark. No Meal Replacement Shakes. No Rehydrate, None. This will be the biggest challenge of all. I've done it once for 30 days and it was what I missed the most. 

That being said, I'm not quitting Advocare. I'm still going to help people who are interested in learning what it holds, what the products can do, what money they can make if they so choose to see the biz, and live healthy while doing so. I trust Advocare. I love Advocare. The products, the company, the people... I love it all. 

I'm just taking a 62 day break from it and I'll re-introduce things when I get to the other side of this.
      - Journal
        Part of this 62 day trial is journaling. I don't know why this is such a daunting and fearful task. I know I'm self deprecating.  I don't like to boast, or brag, or cheer for myself. It's much more exciting and fun when I can do that for other people. Honestly, I haven't let myself think about "Blessings", "wants", "great expectations", etc, mainly out of fear of being let down and disappointed.  I've really just gotten tired of being let down and not seeing those great and positive things come to fruition, so I've adapted to and adopted this mindset of not thinking about those things.  That way it's a "roll with the punches" but I don't feel like I've been let down so much b/c the expectations weren't there. I'm pretty screwed up, I know... 

Massages / Cupping:
I've been getting massages once a month, and could probably do more if I wanted to pay for them :P I am working on strengthening my back and correcting some of my form, so I've had a whole new set of aches and pains that I'm working through. Note: a 215# deadlift will make your head spin and strain your back a little bit ;-)  We also have a gym member who does cupping.  I'd never had it done before, and she was doing free 15 min. sessions at the gym. It was crazy!!! I looked like I had angel wing hickeys on my back :P  Not sure how often I'd get it done, but I wouldn't be opposed to spending some serious time with it again.  

So I wanted to buy a house.  That didn't go my way, although I was completely set up and prepared financially.  (See, that whole expectation / let down thing...) BUT Apparently my job isn't good enough for Fannie Mae. It's total crap. SO now I'm in a bit of a quandary. Do I stay in my apartment for another year, making it 9 yrs in one place, out of room where I am, really NEED to move, but can't justify the expense, BUT it would help me get set and get rid of a bunch of crap, OR do I move to a 2 bdrm at my same complex? Because after 8+ yrs w/ them, I'd be dumb to move elsewhere.  I love the area and the complex. My complaint right now is my space. I'm just out of it. But if I don't have a yard w/ the new apt, then I'm staying. That's pretty much what it's come down to. I can't justify moving and spending money to set up all new utilities and the effort and frustration for more money... 

Body Image:
My body image just sucks. I'll admit it. It's that whole self-deprecating thing. It's hard, though. I mean one morning, I'll wake up, no scale, just "feel" like I look "smaller", so I get dressed according to that, have a small bit of confidence, then BAM. I get to work and see myself in the mirror and it's like I never looked in one before I left home. Like one of those "oh that poor girl must not have any friends b/c none of my friends would EVER have let me leave the house looking like THAT!" kind of moment.  Thos happen a lot. And I don't see the changes I feel like I've been fighting for for years, but especially the last year.  I figured I'd start doing crossfit and I'd end up looking like this super fit and fab girl.

I don't.  Not yet, anyway.

I know. I know. I need to go. I don't have time to go and honestly it makes me nervous to think about what all they'll tell me is wrong and then something will get in to my head, like that needs to happen, and I"ll get derailed, I won't be able to work out, my life will change for the worse and it'll all be because I went to the stupid doctor. 

Spring / Summer Fun:
Seriously, my calendar in to June is already full. Where has my year gone?  And I'm supposed to move when? Wait, whaaatt??  But really, I want to spend a lot of time with my girlfriends. I seriously have the most solid group of girlfriends that I've ever had.  I want to do alll the things. But then I get the "I don't have vacation with work, so good luck getting time off and being able to afford that"... I should save some pennies and make it happen. I'll go ahead and add that to my plate, too, because, well, why not.

If you got this far, you're a champ. 

And I'm exhausted, nervous, and not quite sure where to start it all, but I gotta start somewhere. 

What tools do you use to stay organized?

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