Monday, December 14, 2015

Age is...

I've never been fast, but it seems lately, as much as I am getting stronger, I am definitely slower.  Part of it is me not wanting or caring about doing anything to fix the "speed" issue, or lack there of.  It's kind of my "schtick", if that makes sense.  I'll lift heavy and love it.  I'll run slow and expect it.   It is what it is.

As much as I hate that saying, it's true.  I hate that it puts limits on things. It's like it steals possibility, like "this is it, no matter what, you can't change it.  You just have to accept it.".

And that's what I'm finding to be true about my age and impending birthday.  There are so many things to consider with this and I have done a piss poor job preparing for it.  I find myself thinking about all the things I haven't done, and now, I'm at 98% certain that I never will.  there's one thing I know won't happen, and that's becoming a mother. I'm letting that go. I realized it was a sincere possibility a couple years ago, but there was this glimmer of hope that it would happen.  Reality is that at this point, it isn't going to.  Other 40 somethings will say it's the best ever, there's nothing left to prove, etc. And I know there's some truth to that.  The ones who've said that to me, they have the family, the spouse, the kids, the career. I'm just over here hoping I still have a job at the end of January and try not to think about the other things.  Not saying I don't, but I try not to.

Now I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer".  I know I'm supremely blessed with a phenomenal tight circle of those closest to me. I also know that they have their own lives and families. Coordinating time together gets more challenging, but it's still manageable.  I'm going to try to be more positive and encourage more. I need to adjust to all of this "what comes with 40" bullshit.

I don't feel much like celebrating.  I'm not sure what I'd even celebrate.  Making it this far?  Why wouldn't I?  But yeah, I'll keep skating by and right now I hope people don't remember and it's just "another" day.

I'll be fine on the couch with a movie and my Bella.

It is what it is....

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