Thick.

Ladies, 

Have you ever had a man comment on your size, figure, body, appearance?  It's such a strange moment.  It's even more strange when that comment / compliment is "thick".  Example:
Let me tell you what men like. Men like a thick woman. You're thick". Me = spits out drink, not really but I could have if I had taken one. "Oh, that's nice. Well I never knew that. I'm glad you let me know".

CRINGING! 

Seriously, when did that ever become a thing and even a thing that women want to hear or is even remotely acceptable to say to anyone? "Honey, you're thick". That's awful. There's not one thing about that that would even make me consider hearing it as a nice thing. 

I'm wearing the same jeans I wore yesterday and the day before, they're new, and they fit really well. I have an ass, I do my squats on the reg, and I squat heavy on occasion, too. I have thick thighs that I'm busting my "squat" ass to tone up, and get them smaller. I don't want them thick. I want them toned. I want them to be muscular. I want them to look like I can run and I can kick your ass.  I probably wouldn't do either, but some asshole telling me I'm thick won't know that. 

At first I was a little hurt. I was offended (still am). But I have thought about this for a couple of days now, and I've learned a few things:

1. I hate being called thick. 

2. I'd most likely be uncomfortable with a stranger coming up and making any kind of unsolicited comment about my figure, ass, chest, outfit, appearance, etc. 

3. I'd be more in to anyone who takes a notice to me coming to talk to me and engaging my mind, having a conversation about interesting topics.  Using the mind is way more sexy than all the physical bullshit. 

4. Apparently "Thick" is a compliment is some areas of the US, mostly culturally driven. I still don't understand how.  That's like telling me right is left and left is right, and no no no, that's not true at all! Is this some kind of Seussical trickery?  Mind Fuckery? That HAS to be it. 

Y'all, now I'm just mad about the whole dang thing. How dare this guy? and I'm mad that I let this get to me at all. 

The only thing I want thick is my steak. 

And maybe my skin.  Because let's face it, those with thin skin get hurt easier and let shit get to them.  Hey, Hi, Hello.  

good grief. 

Society is a Bitch.

Let me explain.

This goes all the way back to when you were born.  Your parents most likely had these really big dreams for you.

"What will she be?"
"She's so smart - she's mimicking my sounds."
"She can read really well - a third grade level as a 1st grader!"
"She's going to be so successful"
"She loves puppy dogs, I bet she'll be a vet"
"She's so good with kids, she's going to be a great mom"
"She in the top 25% of her class, she's practically a genius"
"She's a gorgeous girl. Her figure is so curvy and svelt."

You KNOW what I mean.  Beauty shop talk. Think "Steel Magnolias" at Truvy's.

These perceptions and expectations that are put on us (boys / men, too) when we are just babies, growing up.  This doesn't stop as we get in adulthood, either.  Only we have a larger audience setting those expectations and creating those perceptions.

"Oh, she's changed jobs 3 times in 4 years. Why can't she keep a job?  Why is she always looking for a new one?  Why is she still single? I thought for sure she'd be married by now.  Why doesn't she have kids?  She would have been a great mom... "

On the other, less encouraging side is the "I wonder what's wrong with her that this, this, and this..."

So much of all of this talk that goes on around us, to us, about us... these things create the perceptions, opinions and expectations we often create for ourselves.

It's been something in the back of my mind for a while.  All of the "why did I want to get married and have kids, a job, this life that I had growing up?  Is it what I truly would need to be fulfilled and happy? Or is it what I knew and was comfortable with because I was raised to expect and want those things?"

Truth is, I don't even really know.

Today I think I've worked to have a better grasp of my being, purpose, and fulfillment.

This is what I want.

Time freedom to have the ability to help others, help myself, and keep grinding away toward optimal body composition, eating my way to a thriving metabolism while gaining more muscle and muscle tone. I may never have a 6 pack but it doesn't mean I won't quit working toward that finding happiness when / if I achieve it. And if I don't that's okay, too.

Peace about where I am in life instead of fearing the strong chance that I won't have a significant other to grow old with.  This is something I struggle with, trying to discern my true heart's desire vs. what I've been taught to desire... but deep down I do want to connect with someone on a heart level. I also have to resolve that may not be in my cards. So I keep looking for peace around me, through my activities, my pursuit of heath, my friendships (which those alone have become more defined, true, and purposeful).  When you don't have to try or mind your words around those you love, you know you are with the right friends.

Anyway... all this to say don't let what society dictates as successful, beautiful, fit, strong, smart, or anything else define you. Trust yourself enough to find that peace within your soul where you know you're doing the best you can with where you are and who you are.  If you want things to change for the better, to have more of that peace, then go after it.

If you need someone to listen and offer up some encouragement, reach out to me. (Whomever, if anyone reads this anymore?)

do what you do for you.

I'm going to be working on completing my Eat To Perform Coaching Course by the end of this year.  My hope is to be able to bless others with the knowledge and food freedom this program has given me. The peace I have with food, and no more "labels" other than "carbs, fats, proteins", is beyond liberating.

Society is a bitch.  You don't have to be friends with her.

No Worries.

I say that often. "No worries."

Someone can't make an event? No worries.
Someone didn't text back right away? No worries.
Someone stepped on my toes?  No worries. (as long as they acknowledge it ;) )

Facing not having a job?

Truth be told, I'm not so much "worried".  Will there be time of uncertainty?  Yes. Will money be tight? Yes.  Will I have to cut out a few luxuries I've come to enjoy?  Most likely.

There are a few worries, of course.
Will I be able to afford to stay in my apartment?  I don't know. Depends on how long this lag is.
Will I be able to stick with my ETP Group Coaching?
Will I be able to afford to keep my membership with Crossfit?

These are all things paramount to me being successful and happy.  I don't tie my happiness to them, but these all play a part in me being okay.  I know I have a tendency to crawl in to a hole when things take a down turn. I know days get darker. I know this happens when the seasons change, too.  I am making it a point to head any of these things off before I have a second of self doubt and a chance for depression to rear its ugly head.

I honestly don't feel that it will be long term, this employment pause.  There are things I have wanted to do for myself and this will afford me the opportunity to do so.  I will be able to take the time I need to organize and deep clean my apartment.  I will have a flexible schedule.  I have friends that I will be able to go help with things they need help with.

I can babysit, do odd jobs, paint, craft, clean, pack, move, dog sit, dog walk,   That's all for money and other people.

For me, I can clean, organize, get to work on making card sets to sell, finish my ETP Coaching Certification course, start marketing for clients, tie that in with my Advocare business, and find fulfillment in helping others find a way to be comfortable and confident in their own skin and existence. Where that is through diet, exercise, both, tracking, macros, supplements, etc. I want to help.  I feel like there's a whole group of people who have some how bought in to the myth of undereating equals being fit and thin, which is one of the biggest lies I ever believed.  I don't want anyone else to ever suffer in that mindset and set themselves up for a continuous cycle of negative self talk and sabotage. Lord knows we have a whole society that does that, we surely don't need to help nor contribute to that.

I truly believe all of this will work out the way it is supposed to. To health, happiness, and no worries.

~C~