"Fat Shaming"

At the encouragement from a girlfriend who had recently joined a certain dating app, I did it...

Now let me preface this by saying I LOATHE online dating. I can't tell you how much I actually REALLY hate it. It just feels unauthentic, low quality and somewhat desperate. Not saying it's that way for everyone, but it's really just not my thing.

First day:
Figure this thing out, how does it work? Swipe left, swipe right, shoot, I meant to swipe the other direction. Crap, now I'm stuck with a match I didn't want.

But I'm getting matches, and some seem like decent quality people, looking for similar things, a few reply with messages and chats, they all are very complimentary, "you're beautiful, gorgeous, great smile, pretty eyes, etc..." And for a hot second, I start thinking maybe this isn't so terrible. Maybe I've really been so closed off that I can't take a compliment, but I should take these. After all, they're authentic, right?

Oh, and side note:  Seeing guys I know "sell" their profiles that are entertaining at best... seeing husbands of girls I know (are they / aren't they still married? and if they are WHY are they on here? Do their significant others know what's on their phone?? These guys have kids!) But not my biz and Immediate "nope", b/c I don't even want to consider one of them possibly matching me.

But back to my matches.

Second Day:
I ended up exchanging phone numbers, FB requests, and texts with one guy who toted himself as a gentleman with 2 teenage daughters, "I want to be a good example for them. I don't want them to see me as a POS. I want them to want and see a quality guy and not settle for a dirtbag" (all quotes from our conversation).  I end up sending him to the website for my box that I attend. I know there's a "full body" pic there, and I have nothing to hide. I actually feel more comfortable with this pic, even if I do have chalk on my pants, my hair is a shaggy stray mess, my face is a bit flushed, and the other girls in the pic are obviously smaller than I am, because I'm proud of the work I did that day & I can see it when I look at that photo.

Sure, I see places that need some work. We all have them. Me, just a little more of those are visible than they are on others. 

That being said, I wasn't truly prepared for the conversation that followed. 

Him: Is that you in the grey top?
Me: yes,
Him: How current?
     *(as soon as he sent that, I felt the tide change. I knew what he was thinking.)
Me: um, maybe Sept? Oct?
Him: I have to ask even though I will sound like a pig. Are you still the same size?
     *(this is where I made the conscious decision to be a gracious lady, standing up for myself, and show that at least one of us contained an ounce of tact)
Me: Yep. I'm b/w a 10/12.  And you totally sound like a pig asking that.
Him: I'm sorry but I need someone petite. I had to be upfront and I sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings.

It didn't take long for me to find the awareness that comes with his statement. I was winding down to get ready for bed and all I could think of was "he just pointed out that I"m not "petite" so basically it was the same as being called "fat".

Gasp.

Gulp.

Swallow.

And guess what the first thought was that I had this morning when I woke up?

Yep. Same.

I did delete his number, blocked it, even, deleted him from FB, deleted him as a "match", etc... covered my bases.

Third Day:
This AM I deleted my account on the app, removed the one other I'd "friended" on FB, and deleted the app all together.

This is why I don't do online dating. I definitely prefer, if I'm going to meet someone, that it's someone who sees me in person, knows who they are talking to, what I look like IRL (which is the same as I do in pics, so not sure what the pig was expecting?)

I'll meet a "friend of a friend".  I'll chat with someone who approaches me in a public setting.  I'm good at talking to people face to face.

But as far as online and apps go... Done.

Here's what I'm not done with:
Crossfit - I'm pretty damn proud of the work I do there. and I feel good when I do it.  I'm proud of the accomplishments I have achieved, the strides I've made, the weight I've thrown (And I can totally deadlift that pig, too... )

Feeling Confident where I know I can:  Look. I'm not unattractive. I don't wake up each day and pull my hair back, brush my teeth, put on my makeup, and pick out an outfit to "settle" on looking "ok".  Even when I dress down, I feel like I look good or decent, some days even pretty.  I think this is normal and healthy.

Being around people that make me feel good and happy.  Most of these are my Box mates. Others are concert friends. And there's those few ladies who are my "Sex & The City" girls.  My really close friends I can count on one hand.  But I'm about to have to add in my second just to keep up. Hashtag Blessed :-P

I don't need to be in a relationship. I don't need to date. I just need to be happy with where I am and with what I do.

But if you're ever rejecting someone who you might have had a slight interest in, don't make it about their size or shape. Use your manners, be tactful and don't point out what might be a tender subject for someone. Chances are they're probably insecure about it already and don't need your help.

PRs and what not

Hey there, Hi.

I've been absent for about a week here, so really wanted to get back on track with updating, mind dumping, etc before I got too far away from doing it...

The last couple of weeks, gym-wise, have been good, great and not-so-great.  The strength elements have been exciting and "fun", and I've hit a good number of PRs. 2 of those were during a dedicated CFT day (Crossfit Total), where we work up to our 1 rep max weight on 3 elements: Backsquat, Shoulder (Strict) Press, and Deadlift.

Deadlift: 175#s, THEN 4 days later, 215#s! It's my first time to do anything over 200 lbs!
Backsquat: 157#s, THEN the following week, 185#s!
Push Press 115#s
Bench Press 115#s

These are all really proud moments.

What's suffering now (and will always be something I struggle against), is my endurance.  My WOD times are slipping, in general, & it's super frustrating.I want to feel like I'm making strides there, & I'm just not...

AND I strained my back a little bit trying to be a badass... and the badass kicked me square in the back. well, lower back, but still... it's been bothered since doing the deadlifts and backsquats.

AND my toe is still not 100%, so I'm modifying my movements there, too...

If all this keeps up, I'm not going to be able to do much of anything. I"m just frustrated. I want all the things to be improving and instead I end up hurting myself, which will keep me from improving much more for a little bit.

I want to get faster, more than anything, I just want to feel like my times and my efforts are improving, not just getting stronger.

I want to SEE the tone in my body... not just went I'm brushing my hair, but when I'm wearing tank tops and cute summer dresses... I want my gut not to hang over my jeans.. I want to be able to feel confident and actually look good in a WOD pic.. b/c so far every single one of them makes me just cringe.

Needed: One Good Run of Good Luck

Man, I swear... the second I start feeling some sort of confidence and get excited about fighting through another WOD, esp. one that I know I'll struggle with, but WANT to do, attempt anyways, I have to pull myself back and find another way to do it.

The WOD today is best described as "Hell".

But it didn't scare me,

30 Min. AMRAP
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees
800m run
75 DUs (150 Singles)
20 burpees
400m run
50 DUs (100 Singles)
15 burpees
200m run
25 DUs (50 Singles)
10
200m
25 (50)
10
400m
50 (100)
15
800m
75 (150)
20
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees

Now there's NO way I would finish that in the 30 minute time cap, BUT that doesn't mean I didn't want a good long WOD... I mean I'd prob. only make it thru the first set, but I NEED to run. I NEED to get more consistent with my Singles, and I need to get my burpees skill back to some sort of level.  However, for this, I'd most likely sub those out with my new regular 1 leg push ups, just to keep the movement going.  But the point is I was all set to go... Shoot, even when I woke up before God and er'body, I was looking at it and thought, man, that's gonna be rough, but I could use a good long 30 min WOD. Tolerable.

But then I was sidelined.

I dont know if it's the pressure the deadlifts put on my back yesterday, the level I actually engaged my core and abs doing the other moves, and the post-WOD core work, or some random stomach bug of torture, but whatever it was, I was out.  I'm more sore from trying not to puke than I am from yesterday's workout.

Perk: I lost another lb, so I am at 6 total since 2/2. I didn't take my MNS today, there was no way at all.

I'm supposed to head out to San Antonio tomorrow to see friends and hit up the stock show. That all depends on 1. how I feel 2. how I sleep.

If I, for a really stupid reason, don't get to go, I guess I'll spend Valentine's working on my own heart and try to work in a run, if the weather doesn't suck.

Maybe that will kickstart my Good Run of Good Luck.

Paleo Baseline Take 2.

What. The. Hell.

I actually added a minute and 4 seconds to my time.  Mentally, physically, ability, weight wise, food wise, everything, I was prepared to beat my previous time.  Heck, after I finished it in January, I was mortified b/c my time was so terrible. But I knew I was unprepared. I could understand it, I could explain it.

Yesterday's effort, I'm at a loss.

I didn't want the hi-fives. I didn't feel like I earned it. I did everything the same, minus upping the push-ups off my knees, but still no burpees, no running, 10 lb wall ball, banded pull ups... my row splits were right on.. I expected to have a good 8 min of rowing total. That was spot on.

Nothing to explain that extra minute+.

I didn't practice the movements enough. I didn't put in the work.  I just expected things to be better.

So I'll take the responsibility, stop looking for an explanation, accept where it lies, and push myself to do this again, in another 30 days and see if I can make that time eat itself.


We also have the Crossfit Games coming up at the end of February.  I'm not signing up, b/c I don't need the t-shirt, I won't be competitive, but I know we'll have the WODs planned throughout the event, so I'll do the work.  I enjoyed doing them last year, even made up the ones I was out of town for, just to say that I did. They're always tough, but definitely a good measure of skill, agility, and ability.

I just need endurance to swing a little bit in my direction. I just don't really know how to make that happen.

The other thing I've got going on, in relation to my fitness (or lack thereof) is my 24 Day Challenge.  Today is day 10, so I'm wrapping up my cleanse phase and tomorrow I'll take my measurements & weight, and start the Max Phase.  As of yesterday, I was down 5 lbs and I know I've cut a few inches.  Both needed to be done. I'm hopeful I'll drop even more lbs in the next 14 days, and get a few more inches trimmed up. I like the changes I'm already seeing and it feels good to have my food under control again.

Ultimately I'm in control of everything here.  My food, my fitness, my health. I'm in charge, so if it fails and I don't get the results I want, this is all on me.

If it's not working, change it, tweak it until it does.  I KNOW I'll find the right mix of everything. I KNOW I have the right tools.  I just need to get it all in check and stay focused.

The Friendly Comp

I did it.

I competed, completed 3 WODs, got judged, and honestly didn't have time to think through the whole thing, which lasted around 2 hrs.

The irony of doing this thing was that I didn't consciously make a real decision to participate. It just sort of happened.  Had I thought about it at all, I would have said no. I don't like competition. I like being a spectator of competitions, but it's a very uneasy and nervous feeling for me.

Irony = A second place finish in the Women's Scaled Division with a partner who wasn't in it to compete, either, and is very new (like a month) in to Crossfit.  She was stellar! Such a rockstar! It was fun to do that with a partner.  I think she's a Crossfit natural.

So that's done, in the books, and I'm good with the accomplishment.

Things I learned:

* I can Push Press 115#s over my head.  Last I had logged, I was at 90#s. That's a 25# improvement.
* WODs that finish in just under 5 minutes are great!
* I still can't do lunges (boo!)
* 1-legged push ups are a whole new kind of push-up (take that, stupid toe!)
* Burpees still suck.  That's old news. Definitely not learned yesterday.
* I make the most ridiculous faces when I work out and they aren't even cute.  I need to wear a mask.
* I don't squat down as far as I thought I did, so I still need to work a bit more on that consistent depth thing.
* I will never have a "cute" workout pic. I don't even think those exist.
* Second place feels the same as any other place on the podium. I still laugh thinking that I actually ended up there.

Will I do it again?  Prob. not.

At least not in a public arena. Being judged in any capacity, regardless of ability or confidence, is one of the most crippling feelings ever.

It was friendly.  It was not un-fun, And I did it.

I keep forgetting...

Then I remember...

I have a freaking "competition" this weekend.

Okay, so it's not "competing" with strangers, with the general public watching and invited and everything, but it's a competition at our box.

I'm not really nervous about doing the work.  I'm nervous about being or appearing vulnerable.  About being watched by my peers. I never have really thrived on spectator attention. Being coached, encouraged as I finish last during a WOD, okay... but that's generally like 4 people.  There will be more there watching me finish last, or close to it, I'm sure.

We are competing against / with one another, as partners, and I don't know who my partner is yet... that'll be determined on Saturday morning, I guess, by our coaches.  And I already feel sorry for the person that gets paired with me. The last thing I want is to let my partner down, slow them down, make them finish way past what they deserve.

Then we get 3 WODs to do...  I've never done 2 WODs in a day, much less 3.

I just don't want to embarrass myself.

Fear of failure.

I had to learn how to fail on a 1 rep max. That wasn't a fun lesson. It was more fun to play it safe and be successful. It's always more fun to be successful and in control.

See, none of this is about strength.  This is all mental.

And I feel completely unprepared and insecure about every single element.

Injury, weight gain, modified movements b/c of said injury, etc...

It's a really mean cycle.

I guess for now, though, I'm going to try to not remember for a little bit and see what I can do to attack the WOD in front of me today...

I still have 2 full days to panic and remind myself not to vomit on Saturday.

Depth

I remember when we (okay, I) started doing squats, air squats, front / back, KB, anything that required me to drop my ass toward the floor, with or without equipment, I would see these frog squats and silently, in my head think "oh hell no".

Last night doing back squats, I'm still working back up to my pre-injury max, which was 170#s, I was at about 120 and one of the coaches comes by and says "You're getting a lot better depth in your squats.  Great work!"  I don't care who you are, when someone who is ridiculously good at breaking form down and really focuses on it gives you a compliment, that feels really good.

I have depth.

Who knew.