2016 - The Gimp Returns & ETP in Place

Well, I suppose it's appropriate that I would end up with an injury more ridiculous than the other two, or maybe equal to the first, but ridiculous all the same.

12/30/15.
The day I ran a 200m in the warm up and it actually felt really good! I even thought to myself "wow, my legs DO feel lighter! Now I just need to get my endurance back up and keep going".

Then we go in and do "high-knees", and I feel it.  The twinge of pain in my left calf, like a charlie horse that won't let go, yet I keep going thinking that it'll work itself out. It has to.

Next move is inchworms and high skip back down the length of the gym.

*POP*.

Man down.  My calf muscle actually popped. Holy Hell.
and that's being polite.

Needless to say I was out for the regular WOD, but came up with a sub that didn't involve the leg.

It's still a little "cramped" up, feels like it could pop again, and yes, I'm resting, icing, and being extremely mindful of it.

I just want to work out and get my calorie burn up, make my heart beat a little quicker, and build my endurance.  I'm strong AF, but without the speed, I'm going to be stuck with my performance.

I've joined up with Eat To Perform as a lifetime member.  It was the smartest choice as I tackle this fat that keeps holding on.  I'm going to be working up to my macros and learning about carb cycling, when to eat what, and get the best out of my body. I'm excited about the possibility with this program.  The best thing is that it's dependent on food, not supplements.

Don't get me wrong, I love Advocare and I fully believe that the products DO work. I need a supplement free solution that allows me to add lean mass AND burn fat at the same time, without starving myself.

This will allow me to eat mindfully, and focus on truly fueling my body correctly.  I will be correcting my skewed metabolism and teaching my body to burn fuel instead of storing it.

So here goes whatever will be...

Pushing "Reset"

It's almost here... Actually I should say "they're"...

Christmas
Birthday
New Years Eve
New Years Day

Finding out if my contract with work goes past the end of January

Memories
Family

and a shit load of anxiety.

Every single one of those.

I've been fighting anxiety and depression this season like I haven't had in a few years. I hate it when it comes up. Trying to hide it gets more challenging because I'm aware of all my nuances, and behaviors, and the closer my few friends get, the more often they recognize it. The difference this year is that I'm not just aware of it, but I'm really doing everything I can to fight it.  It's not going to last forever and I know this. But knowing that people will bring up a birthday I'm not keen on celebrating, my age, making a big deal about it over and over and over again, is just one reminder after another that I'm not happy.  I'm not anywhere near where I thought I would be at this point.  In my 30s I had so much hope. The hope tank is empty. No kids. I should have known.  Actually I think I did know when I was 23 that it wasn't in my "plan"... not the plan I chose for myself, anyway. Being alone, I guess I should have always considered it.  Silly me.

But I digress.

2016 I'm hitting the reset button as best I can. Here's the things I'd like to spend my time focused on:

Being more careful when making memories and who I share them with.

I'm going to get serious about finding a new Dachshund to add to our pack. Bella needs a sibling and I've been looking for one since I moved.

Travel more. Even if I go places alone I'm going to go see more and do more.

I'm going to get my health right. I have needed a full work up and blood panel for a while.  Fear of the unknown is diminished by my frustration with not being able to lose a serious amount of fat with my increased muscle and fitness efforts.



I've been thinking of my Crossfit goals, too.
I am confident in a few things, and lacking confidence in a laundry list of others. So I'll have a mix of possibilities so I can get things moving up more than backtracking or staying the same.

1. Bench Press - I want to work up to at LEAST 150. I'm at 130 now.  I'm pretty confident that I can get close or even beat this.  Attainable.

2. Run a 5k in under 45 mins. I need to get my running back. I started that today, running 200s.  I need my legs, ankles, feet all healthy, and to stay that way.

3. Focus on my own work, outside of class. Additional programming?  Make a plan and stick to it.   Possible 2-a-days, or add in Saturday and /or Sunday work.  Something...

4. 10 DUs unbroken. Again, attainable. I can do the single  (x3), double, combo, and need to spend more time practicing. I dig my new rope.

5. It would be nice to get a HSPU, T2B, Pull-Up, but those are going to be added bonuses. I think i f I can figure out the health stuff, the weight / fat retention issues, some of these will be more possible than they are today.

That's where I am today. It's not the best place, mentally, emotionally, but here's hoping that once all these "things" get past, my mood and mentality will get better.

Confidence & Vulnerability

I suppose they go hand in hand.

I lack them both.  I need them both.

So for 2016, I will be praying for them. I will focus on them. I will seek opportunities for them.

It's not just about my fitness, my efforts, my gym time, a box jump, a mile run.

It's in everything.

Fear of being vulnerable, lack of confidence... they keep me crippled on my couch more days and nights than I can count.

I need these.

Age is...

I've never been fast, but it seems lately, as much as I am getting stronger, I am definitely slower.  Part of it is me not wanting or caring about doing anything to fix the "speed" issue, or lack there of.  It's kind of my "schtick", if that makes sense.  I'll lift heavy and love it.  I'll run slow and expect it.   It is what it is.

As much as I hate that saying, it's true.  I hate that it puts limits on things. It's like it steals possibility, like "this is it, no matter what, you can't change it.  You just have to accept it.".

And that's what I'm finding to be true about my age and impending birthday.  There are so many things to consider with this and I have done a piss poor job preparing for it.  I find myself thinking about all the things I haven't done, and now, I'm at 98% certain that I never will.  there's one thing I know won't happen, and that's becoming a mother. I'm letting that go. I realized it was a sincere possibility a couple years ago, but there was this glimmer of hope that it would happen.  Reality is that at this point, it isn't going to.  Other 40 somethings will say it's the best ever, there's nothing left to prove, etc. And I know there's some truth to that.  The ones who've said that to me, they have the family, the spouse, the kids, the career. I'm just over here hoping I still have a job at the end of January and try not to think about the other things.  Not saying I don't, but I try not to.

Now I'm not trying to be a "Debbie Downer".  I know I'm supremely blessed with a phenomenal tight circle of those closest to me. I also know that they have their own lives and families. Coordinating time together gets more challenging, but it's still manageable.  I'm going to try to be more positive and encourage more. I need to adjust to all of this "what comes with 40" bullshit.

I don't feel much like celebrating.  I'm not sure what I'd even celebrate.  Making it this far?  Why wouldn't I?  But yeah, I'll keep skating by and right now I hope people don't remember and it's just "another" day.

I'll be fine on the couch with a movie and my Bella.

It is what it is....

Community

People often ask me what it is about my Box that keeps me going back.  They say they want to try Crossfit and that there's a gym right by their house / work / grocery store, etc.  And that they are "inspired" by my dedication and I make it look fun, so they want to give it a go.

Now of course I think my box is the best.  BUT it's the only one I've ever been to.  I'm beyond thankful for that.   I liken it to buying the first wedding dress a bride tries on.  It fits so perfect you don't need or want to see anything else.

I've praised my coaches before, and that still stands.  They allow me to be the athlete I am, at my level, and give encouragement and instruction on how to be better. I've had victories and I've had set backs, and I've never quit.  I've thought about it, but that's on me.  The coaches keep me coming back and making me want more.

One of the biggest components to finding the right Box for you is the community. It's as vital as anything, maybe even more so.  Finding those people that lift you up, become your friends away from the Box,  You find the encouragers, the support team on a bad day, the motivators, the equals, the muscle, the competitors... They all contribute to the successes you have. Use them to get where you're going and even the mental places you didn't know you could go.

That being said, there are the detractors, too.  Those who don't encourage, but take away a bit of your momentum and you don't understand any of it.

But you don't quit.  There's still community that will make you thrive.  A community that will encourage and support you.  Friendships that you will make and pour in to outside of the Box.  You go to the classes that those people go to and you stay away from the ones they don't.

Give to the community and the community will give back to you.

It's one of the most important elements in finding a gym that fits.
Community.

Well Damn...

It happened.  I knew it had. I decided I needed to see it to really give it the reality it is.

I'm back up over 200.

No, my food isn't where it needs to be.

No, my gym time isn't on point, and way more sporadic than it's been in 2 years.

Yes, my stress level is higher than it's been in ages.

No, I'm not happy about it.

I still feel like part of my body is betraying everything I've tried to do to "fix" it.  But I feel lame if I use that as any kind of reason for this.

At my lowest, since starting my weight loss and healthy effort, I got down to 168.  I just knew I could get down to the 150s and be even better.  I JUST KNEW IT.

Instead, over the past 3 years I've put it all back on.  Yes, some of you will tell me it's muscle.  And you're right.  BUT I haven't put on 40 lbs of muscle.  I've gotten stronger, but I haven't gotten thin.

It's so disappointing to know that you can bust your ass, do SO much to make yourself better but you'll never get the payoff you've been begging yourself for for the past 5-7 years.

That's a long damn time to keep letting yourself down.

So just let me have my "mad" days.

I guess I won't be diving in to those Holiday treats at all.  I sure as hell haven't earned them.

Unexpected Conversations

I need to pat myself on the back.  Yesterday was one year since I smoked my last cigarette.  It wasn't a conscious decision, but it was something I knew I needed to do. I had been in San Antonio, watching my friends compete in a Crossfit competition.  We went out that night and I was so focused on not smoking that it was bothersome.  I had been thinking about how much of a fraud I had been, going to the gym, coming home and smoking before I went inside, still in my workout gear, my crossfit shoes and gym hoodie, tank, t-shirt, whatever.  I'm also an Advocare distributor, promoting health and wellness.  Why would anyone want to buy from me when I wasn't being healthy at all?

A walking contradiction.

That bothered me more than smoking.  I actually enjoyed that part, the smoking part.  It  was relaxing, but it made me feel like crap the next day.  And I was more encouraged about being the walking example of healthy, and knew this was keeping me from it.

So one day I just didn't buy anymore.

I wasn't ever really tempted.  It doesn't bother me to be around it, and sometimes I even enjoy the smell.  Weird, I know.

But back to the real reason for this post.

I've been feeling out of control with a lot of things lately and it's infected my thoughts about nearly everything.  Fear of losing more friends, poor gym performance, or desire to be there at all, work performance and fear of losing my job, behind on my apartment maintenance, food....

Food.  Most of this goes back to food, which translates to body image.  I feel like my clothes are tighter, don't fit right, look bad, feel frumpy, lethargic, a bit depressed about it all.   A lot of this I take on myself and hold myself to a high standard.  I feel like I'm failing myself and therefore failing everyone around me. I've become one of those people I can't stand to talk to because I feel like I'm always complaining about something.  I try to be positive and find myself holding back on celebrating things, and try to sit on things I'd be annoyed to hear from others.

I saw a friend in the kitchen today, and we somehow got on the topic of food programs for strength promotion and fat loss. I've tip toed around one, but never really got it off of the ground.  He shared another with me and I'll be taking a look at that one, simplifying my food choices and getting back to the basics of eating. I know HOW to eat, but I need to learn the proper way to use food as fuel. This is my problem. I eat stuff I don't need, or at the wrong time, so it doesn't work in my favor (looking right at you, Carbs!), so I'll give this some attention.

He also complimented me on the changes he sees, and has seen over time these past two years.  I'm having a hard time seeing much of anything, other than feeling like I'm just blowing right up, getting bigger, feeling fatter, and ultimately being the contradiction I've tried to avoid for years. But I'm going to try to focus on the positives, the things he has noticed, and he says others have noticed, too.  I need to get back to weighing, measuring, and get a dexascan done, so I have a surefire point of reference.

It was honestly so kind, and I'm really hard on myself.  I just want to be better. I want to be my best and I feel like I'm nowhere near it yet.  I'm ready to see bigger changes. I want to push my body as far as it will go.

I'd be a fool to quit now, and an even bigger fool if I don't give it the attention it deserves to get there.

I did it.

Guilty as charged....

Great, now I've got Dave Matthews Band stuck in my head. (hashtag no complaints).

But what did I do?

TWO YEARS of CROSSFIT!

Y'all, I still can't believe I ever walked in to that box at all, much less learned to love holding a barbell, doing a million push ups, jumping on a box (even if that's been put on hold while my ankle is STILL healing),

But nevertheless, I'm here. I'm stronger, even if my outward appearance doesn't necessarily reflect it, mentally, and physically.

I'm stronger.

What sucks is that I still feel like I've lost my "smile".  It's hard to explain, but I used to be able to look in the mirror and really smile, the real kind. Authentic.  It feels like I've adopted this weight of insecurity, this uncertainty.  Maybe it's due to job stress, the impending holidays, the weight gain (stress eating), the upcoming birthday (ugh), the fact that nothing feels like I thought it would at this point, that I'm no where near where I thought I'd be, and the fact that I never thought my reality would ever be my reality, good and bad.

All of that aside, I'm proud of myself for making it this far. I still don't know how long this will last.  Honestly, lately, I've just had the "I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse so why am I even doing it?" going through my head.  I don't know if it's really that I'm not getting better , or if I'm staying the same,  or if I'm stuck and I can't see past everything else that I feel isn't going "right" or "well", or just what. It's all very confusing.

I just read that last paragraph and I think I confused myself more, and proved my point all at the same time.

Whatever it is, I need it to change.  I need to start feeling like I'm being a good friend, employee, dog mom, crossfitter, and just good to myself. My self-talk is terrible. I can't decide on anything, but I keep trying to.  I want to know when I smile back in the mirror that I mean it.  That I don't have to try, that I'm not forcing it.

So if you're reading and you  know me away from this blog, just know I'm trying. You don't need to ask, or point things out. Believe me, I already know.

But two years.

I did that.

So for now, that's good.  That's enough.

Year 3, let's see if I make it or if my head wins.
Day 1, year 3 done. So at least there's that.

Oh MYLanta!!! Seriously!

Y'all, I haven't posted an update since APRIL!!! So let's chew some "fat"...

I moved. I got a new job. All at the same dadgum time! Because I mean, why spread out change. Let's just throw all the chaos together at once.

Crossfit
That being said, I'm STILL Crossfitting.  Pat on my back for that b/c there have been so many times I wonder if I should even keep trying.

Because of said job, I've had to switch to the 6:30 AM class. It took a week and a half to realize my 5:30 pm schedule was done-zo. Late afternoon meetings all but two days of the week (okay, it was three, then two, now back to three), I had to set my foot down and make myself have some kind of "me" time. Well, that, and I'm honestly terrified to see what would happen if I quit, mentally, physically, etc.

I've hit some ridiculous PRs (I mean I hit a 225 lb DEADLIFT, a 195 lb backsquat, 160 on the front, and 105 on my clean...)  those are all things that make me really proud.  And then we started doing the "Texas Method" .  I was honestly excited to get on a program that I knew would make me even stronger. We are in the middle of it and while I can "do" the work, I find myself making excuses to not go on certain days, to modify the weight percentages, go lighter, etc. I feel like it's defeating me, physically and mentally. Yeah, I mean, A+ for effort, and even getting there, but I have had more absences than normal, slower performance times on my WODs, and I'm feeling my "age".  So I don't really know what that says about where I am with this whole thing.  For the first time in 2 yrs I'm wondering if it's even worth doing anymore or if I should look for something else. I really don't know. The community isn't what it used to be, and well, neither am I.

Injury. 
About 2 months ago I rolled my ankle doing a box jump.  I say I rolled it b/c that's how I treated it.  I've been really cautious, work a boot for a bit, used a support brace, iced it, popped aleve, you name it.  If it was something I could do to try and treat the golfball on the side of my ankle, I did it.

2 months later, I still have mobility issues with it, it's still swollen, and there's a bit of pain from the ankle to the top of my foot.  My guess, I've done more than a severe sprain. I've either torn or broken something, and now I'm a tad nervous to find out the extent of my stubbornness and injury. The last thing I want is to 1. have to have surgery 2. bite in to my $6000 deductible (Thanks Obama, not kidding), 3. be sidelined for longer period of time 4. be back in that damn horrible and uncomfortable boot. The only redeeming factor there is that it's my left foot and the boot fits both feet, so I don't have to buy another one.

Quandary.

Work. 
Stress.
Inadequate.
a million small mistakes.
Learning a language I've never heard before.
It's like starting a novel in the middle of the book and having to figure out where I fit in and make it make sense.
Possibility.
If I can stick with it and they keep me, I think I can make it work, but to what sacrifices?
It will take me to a completely different level of dedication, participation, and have a greater opportunity to provide real input and make a difference, to really be included and be a part of something. I just need to find the balance and right now it's a little lopsided. It's throwing me for a million loops on a very regular basis.

Home
It's taken a LOT longer than I have expected to feel comfortable in my new space. It's SO nice to have room to move around, not have everything within an arm's reach, to open the backdoor and let the dog out (without having to put on a bra or pants ;) ), and have a designated bedroom & bathroom for guests and crafts (which I still don't have completely done yet, but it's getting there!!!)

I have curtains hung up the right way for the first time in forever.  The last ones I had up in my bedroom were being held up by push pins. (Don't judge). It's amazing all the things you can do with a stepladder.  ;-)

I've discovered my love for the color orange. I don't even know where it came from, but when I was out looking for ideas, and there it was.  On some level, it's soothing and comforting.  On another, it's energetic and bright. So, balance, right?

Diet
In all of this, I've lost track and focus on my food, my weight, my shape. I've taken liberties, I stayed consistent with my paleo lunches from Fixed Foods (they just closed down - SO sad!!), and I'm now back to having to think about and prep my lunches each day. I've also poked around a bit, and am paying a small monthly fee, for Eat to Perform.  It's a program for those who want to maintain or increase muscle / lean mass, and burn fat.  Essentially it's not a "low carb" but they have online coaching that can help you with macros and getting your food on track to correct your broken metabolism. I have learned that I've been grossly under-eating my calories, teaching my body how to store fat. I haven't stepped on a scale in months.  The last time I did, I audibly gasped.

So, some good, some not so good, some just ugly and some a little scary. There's so much up in the air right now and I could use a good dose of confidence in something.

I'm sure there's more I could say and play "Catch-up" with, but right now, I think I've said about enough.

Oh, and tomorrow night, Go Rangers!!!

The State of Things

I need to kinda do hodgepodge "unload" of things... Not bad things, but I feel like I've gone from not busy, to "WHOA! I'm already through June and It's only Mid-April", and then my heart starts racing and if I don't get things down, make a list, get some control and order in place, then I'm going to set myself up to fail at a LOT of things. 

I don't fail well. 

so sit back and enjoy the read, or don't read at all... ;-) 

Work:

I'm coming up on my 1 yr at my current position. The guy who hired me retired in Dec. and the guy who has become my boss is really great. I genuinely do like him, but I don't feel like I have had enough time with him to understand his expectations.  My role is still being developed, and I was hoping that I would have established myself as an asset to the team by now.  But I'm feeling like I'm expendable. I'm a contractor. I suppose that just comes with the territory.  However, my last job I was an employee and I was let go, so I guess nothing comes with job security anymore. 

Gym:

Things here are kinda the same.  I'm not really hitting many PRs right now, and my times, if anything are slipping backward.  I feel like I'm running slower, my recovery is taking longer, and I'm in a fitness rut.  But I'm still gaining muscle, so that's a good thing. I still don't love running, now dealing with tight calves and the slightest hint of a shin splint on my left leg, so I'm not pushing this a ton. 

Diet:

April 21st. 

60 days. (well technically like 62, since I'm going to June 21st, which is a Sunday)... BUT this is huge. My recent blog post  kinda touched on what's been going through my head, feeling stuck... Adding muscle, not losing fat quick enough, getting stronger, but ultimately gaining weight that I can't explain away, much less justify, etc...   So I'm making some pretty drastic changes. Well not so "super drastic", but big changes for me.  I eat pretty well for the most part.  Well meaning "Clean", few processed foods, structured calories in, exercise out, etc. But I've been using artificial sweeteners since I started drinking tea and coffee, so that's been a while.  I'm cutting it all out. Yes, I'll have a few cheats here and there, but if I go to dinner and don't dive in to the queso, you'll know why. This also means I'm putting my Advocare intake on hiatus until this is done. No spark. No Meal Replacement Shakes. No Rehydrate, None. This will be the biggest challenge of all. I've done it once for 30 days and it was what I missed the most. 

That being said, I'm not quitting Advocare. I'm still going to help people who are interested in learning what it holds, what the products can do, what money they can make if they so choose to see the biz, and live healthy while doing so. I trust Advocare. I love Advocare. The products, the company, the people... I love it all. 

I'm just taking a 62 day break from it and I'll re-introduce things when I get to the other side of this.

 

      - Journal

        Part of this 62 day trial is journaling. I don't know why this is such a daunting and fearful task. I know I'm self deprecating.  I don't like to boast, or brag, or cheer for myself. It's much more exciting and fun when I can do that for other people. Honestly, I haven't let myself think about "Blessings", "wants", "great expectations", etc, mainly out of fear of being let down and disappointed.  I've really just gotten tired of being let down and not seeing those great and positive things come to fruition, so I've adapted to and adopted this mindset of not thinking about those things.  That way it's a "roll with the punches" but I don't feel like I've been let down so much b/c the expectations weren't there. I'm pretty screwed up, I know... 

Massages / Cupping:

I've been getting massages once a month, and could probably do more if I wanted to pay for them :P I am working on strengthening my back and correcting some of my form, so I've had a whole new set of aches and pains that I'm working through. Note: a 215# deadlift will make your head spin and strain your back a little bit ;-)  We also have a gym member who does cupping.  I'd never had it done before, and she was doing free 15 min. sessions at the gym. It was crazy!!! I looked like I had angel wing hickeys on my back :P  Not sure how often I'd get it done, but I wouldn't be opposed to spending some serious time with it again.  

Moving:

So I wanted to buy a house.  That didn't go my way, although I was completely set up and prepared financially.  (See, that whole expectation / let down thing...) BUT Apparently my job isn't good enough for Fannie Mae. It's total crap. SO now I'm in a bit of a quandary. Do I stay in my apartment for another year, making it 9 yrs in one place, out of room where I am, really NEED to move, but can't justify the expense, BUT it would help me get set and get rid of a bunch of crap, OR do I move to a 2 bdrm at my same complex? Because after 8+ yrs w/ them, I'd be dumb to move elsewhere.  I love the area and the complex. My complaint right now is my space. I'm just out of it. But if I don't have a yard w/ the new apt, then I'm staying. That's pretty much what it's come down to. I can't justify moving and spending money to set up all new utilities and the effort and frustration for more money... 

Body Image:

My body image just sucks. I'll admit it. It's that whole self-deprecating thing. It's hard, though. I mean one morning, I'll wake up, no scale, just "feel" like I look "smaller", so I get dressed according to that, have a small bit of confidence, then BAM. I get to work and see myself in the mirror and it's like I never looked in one before I left home. Like one of those "oh that poor girl must not have any friends b/c none of my friends would EVER have let me leave the house looking like THAT!" kind of moment.  Thos happen a lot. And I don't see the changes I feel like I've been fighting for for years, but especially the last year.  I figured I'd start doing crossfit and I'd end up looking like this super fit and fab girl.

I don't.  Not yet, anyway.

Doctors:

I know. I know. I need to go. I don't have time to go and honestly it makes me nervous to think about what all they'll tell me is wrong and then something will get in to my head, like that needs to happen, and I"ll get derailed, I won't be able to work out, my life will change for the worse and it'll all be because I went to the stupid doctor. 

Spring / Summer Fun:

Seriously, my calendar in to June is already full. Where has my year gone?  And I'm supposed to move when? Wait, whaaatt??  But really, I want to spend a lot of time with my girlfriends. I seriously have the most solid group of girlfriends that I've ever had.  I want to do alll the things. But then I get the "I don't have vacation with work, so good luck getting time off and being able to afford that"... I should save some pennies and make it happen. I'll go ahead and add that to my plate, too, because, well, why not.

If you got this far, you're a champ. 

And I'm exhausted, nervous, and not quite sure where to start it all, but I gotta start somewhere. 

What tools do you use to stay organized?

Me? Single? HA! (Always!)

This Buzzfeed article cracked me UP!

So much so that I had to reply to each of the "You're single because..." Assumptions

These were half true, have obnoxious, and mostly ridiculous, but true.  But not really.

1. You're too busy to meet new people.

*probably.

2. You're mixing in the wrong circles.

*maybe, but I like my circles.

3. All your friends settled down super early and don't introduce you to single people any more.

*not really… I have a good mix of single v. marrieds

4. You're too intimidating.

*I've heard this before.

5. You have the aura of someone who isn’t single.

*um, no, I'm pretty sure my aura screams “SINGLE”

6. You're too modest to notice when someone likes you.

*totally. Well maybe not modest, but more so oblivious

7. You've been misremembering your phone number for years.

*No, I know my number. I don't usually give it out.

8. There are loads of people with your name on Facebook, which makes you difficult to find.

*Nope, there’s only one other me and she’s in Louisiana

9. You're better looking than most people.

*duh

10. You live in an ugly area of town.

*no, my part of town is pretty pretty

11. And everyone at your work is ugly, apart from you.

*no, they're just all married or hooked up, I think.

12. And all of your friends are ugly.

*nope.

13. And all of their friends are ugly.

*again, nope.

14. And you are just intimidatingly gorgeous.

*above average, yes. But this, no.

15. Your Tinder pictures are too modest.

*No “Tinder”.

16. Your OkCupid profile doesn’t reflect your shining personality.

*No online dating profiles anywhere.

17. Everyone on match.com is too basic for you.

*see #16

18. You're too independent.

*Probably. But I've had to be.

19. Your political views are too advanced for your generation.

*No, I think those are pretty even and laid back.

20. Your conversation is too intellectual for your peers.

* I can be a bit cerebral and witty… too intellectual? I don’t think so.

21. You're going to the wrong bars.

*Totally.

22. Everyone at the bars you go to is uglier than you.

*Not uglier, just younger.

23. And more stupid.

*See #22

24. And less fun.

*Oh I'm fun, I’m just the less fun one.

25. You're too spontaneous, and people can’t keep up.

*Spontaneity scares me.

26. People are too exhausted to hang out with you because you’re so much fun.

*No, it’s more or less the other way around.

27. Your star quality is so bright, it blinds potential suitors.

* I think it’s dulled down a little bit.

28. Your personality is so warm, it makes people sweat.

*This could be part of it.

29. You’re so hot, you burn anyone who looks at you too long.

*Whatever. Shut up.

30. Your conversation is so deep that after talking to you people have to ponder your thoughts for weeks, and that’s why they never call you back.

*Yeah, I totally over-think and go off on random, irrelevant tangents.

31. You’re so sassy, people are afraid of your shade.

*I’m a classy sassy, or at least I try to be.

32. People like you so much that they can’t risk asking you out for fear of rejection.

*Yeah, whatever. Short list, if any.

33. You’re so cool that people don’t want to be compared to you.

*Yeah, that’s it. Smh.

34. You’re too revolutionary.

*Huh?

35. People assume that phones are too mainstream for you, and so never ask for your number.

*I can guarantee this isn’t it at all.

36. You’re such a catch, people can’t believe you’re not taken.

*Totally

37. You’re so funny, people always wet themselves in your company and then don’t want to get too close in case you smell the pee.

*Oh, well that makes complete (albeit disgusting) sense.

38. You’re so interesting that people are scared of boring you with their mundane chat.

*Doubtful.

39. People assume you’re so cultured you've seen every film ever made, so they never ask you to go to the cinema with them.

*More doubtful (more of the “I’m not cultured enough and  probably wouldn't understand it")

40. People think you’re too responsible for alcohol so don’t ask you out for drinks.

*Ha! Ha! Ha! My friends know better

41. People think you’re so fit you must run everywhere so never ask you to go for a walk in the park with them.

*More that I can’t keep up, so the walk would take too long.

42. People think you’re so creative that all art ever made must bore you, so never ask you to go to a museum with them.

*No, I’m just a crazy craft lady.  They are all very scared of the mess.

43. You’re so godly, people assume you’re not human and don’t eat normal food so don’t ask you out to dinner.

*Godly?  Haha. I don’t think that’s ever been thought of about me.  

44. People think you are just so great and beautiful and interesting and funny that there is no way in hell you can be single, and if you were you would never go out with them, and that is why you are still looking for someone as equally fabulous as you.

*Exactly. ;-)

8 day streak...

SO I've managed to log in to My Fitness Pal for 8 days and I have tracked pretty close, if not on the dot, to my caloric intake.

Good and Bad.

I'd lost 3 lbs after like 4 days, then I added them right back on this weekend w/ food and drink consumption on Thursday & Saturday.

I haven't done any of my 5K walking, either.

This week I'm getting 10 meals from Fixed Foods delivered, so I'll be doing those for Lunch & dinner.  I'll see how much of a difference that will make.  Basically, if I don't eat anything outside of my usual with that, I'll have my Advocare Shakes for breakfast, Almonds / Fruit for snack, and my FF meals for lunch and dinner.  All but the Advocare is Paleo.

It's been a slow transition and maybe one day I'll go 100%, but I need to exercise this dedication and commitment to myself. I HAVE to see something change. I HAVE to see the inches change.

Y'all, I don't care about the scale. I really don't. I care about how I look. I know I don't see a lot of the changes that everyone else sees, and that's my fault for being that hard on myself, but I own it. I'll take full responsibility for it.

The measuring tape is what I CAN see change.

And when that doesn't and the scale goes up, the fat percentage stays the same, and I can't justify the number on the scale, much less understand why or what is happening, THAT is my weight issue.

Justifying it, understanding it, being able to look at some fat-shaming asshole and tell him "The scale may say THIS, and I might be a size 10/12, BUT my percentage is spot on and I have THIS much of my weight in muscle". and be able to walk off and feel like I just won at life...

THAT is what I want.

Justifiable pride.

So tomorrow I'll log back in again.

Food Tracking. Again.

So Last post I was detailing my frustration with my adding lean mass, (weight), and not losing much body fat, scared to hit the 200 mark again, and not understanding out how my output (workouts) wasn't helping or making a difference in this, when I know I have the tools to make it happen.

My frustration hasn't gone away.  I try not to think about it, because I really do enjoy my food, and I'll be damned if I'm going to get to a point where I don't. That would be SO sad. Devastating, actually.

I mentioned it to my coach, prefacing that I wasn't trying to be negative or self-deprecating, but rather just frustrated trying to make sense of it all.  She offered to take a look at my food for the next two weeks, and see if there's something she's noticing, that I'm not, which is being counter productive to my progress, or lack there of.

So today, I jumped back on myfitnesspal and started tracking my food again.  I'd say I'd track my fitness, but I really don't have any idea how many calories I'm burning on what day at the gym.  Some days it's more, others, not so much.  It really varies with each WOD.

Honestly, okay, I "should" go to the dr. I don't have a GP.  I dread going to a new one because it's been years, honestly, since I've had any sort of check up.  I live in my world where I go to the Dr. when I know something is wrong and I need it fixed.  I had pain in my foot.  Went to the Dr.  I couldn't shake the Upper Respiratory Infection, turns out it was the Flu (a year and a half ago), but I went to the Dr. then, too... rather the "clinic"... I don't have a Dr, but I've got a couple of recommendations. But just Ugh. SO inconvenient.  I kinda like living in my "ignorance is bliss" reality. I fear being limited when I feel like I'm finally in a good place and making good strides for myself, and for the most part, I'm okay.  Just all the testing, all the pokes, pricks, "try this" bull crap... I don't want it. I hate having an excuse for anything...

I'm so stubborn, I know.

Hard Headed and Stubborn.

You can make sure they put that on my headstone or plaque one day...

But for now, I'm just tracking my food.

Staying Positive

I dont know if it's the changing of the seasons, the exasperation with winter, the anticipation of spring, the time change, the let downs, the amount of overwhelming sadness my friends are dealing with, or just all of the things combined, but griping and being defensive about everything has been WAY too easy lately.

Does that make sense?

It's SO difficult to be positive around others, and even more so to myself, when I know those around me are hurting.

I was challenged by my coach to be positive for one week. I know I need to, and I owe it to myself to be.

So here it goes:

I loved the Scaled 15.4 WOD.
8 minutes, short and sweet.
10 Push Presses (65 lbs)
10 Power Cleans (75 lbs)

I'm stoked with my efforts. I ended up with 86 reps and my only complaint is that I didn't have quicker rests that would have helped me get 90 even.

I'm starting to see some tone in places I wasn't sure even existed.  I do wish that other people could see them when I'm just doing my everyday things, wearing my every day clothes. I'm working on trying to make that happen, I just need to figure out the diet to workout ratio.

I feel myself getting stronger with the weights and my efforts are noticeable. Now to get those to translate in to other non-weighted movements... In time, right?

I did gain 2. 6 lbs last month, 2.4 of them being lean mass (muscle) & my body fat % went down by half a point, so that's all great.  The frustration I have is that my weight is climbing, and I'm not looking or getting leaner. I am still carrying 60+ lbs of fat.  Ideally I'd love to lose about 40 lbs of the fat, and end up living around 145-155 lbs. I can totally justify that weight if my body reflects it as muscle and tone.  But living at 194, just 6 lbs shy of 200, still not looking like I do much of anything fitness wise, that's hard. I'm not trying to be negative, but it's really hard to process mentally.

So I've upped my calorie output, and have started walking a 5K 3-4 times a week during my lunch hour, and eat paleo pretty much every day for lunch, with a meal replacement protein shake for breakfast, and usually something small and fairly lean for dinner.  I eat "clean" 85/15 ratio...

So I guess what I need to do is focus on my macros next, and getting those figured out.  It just seems so daunting.

I'm also starting to purge my apartment so I can move in to a larger one this summer, hopefully a 2 bdrm w/ a small yard for the pup.

I just need to remember not to overwhelm myself.

I can do it, right?

Wimpy

It's crazy how quick I can go from feeling like I won a race, even if I came in last, to feeling like I can't do anything and the thought of putting on my Nanos seems like it's too much.

that's me today. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to walk in and have to socialize with anyone. I don't want to answer questions about "are you okay?" "What's going on?" "You've been distant lately"... but here's the answers.

1. No, I'm upset, annoyed and frankly I'm pissed off at things that have nothing to do with the gym or any one person in particular. I'm angry at a system that punishes people for being successful in anything, because it doesn't meet some stupid "guideline" on what one group deems "acceptable" or "good enough".  So I'm stuck in a place I can't buy myself out of right now and I'm pissed off about it. So much for following the "rules".

2. See above. And there's more, I just don't want to talk about it.

3 No kidding... see last sentence on #2.

When you keep taking these little steps forward, to get to a place in your life that you've earned, and then get knocked down because someone is judging you on paper, says "not good enough" and then someone who's supposed to love you treats you as "inconvenient", it's not something that makes you want to jump out and say "look at me"... well for me, anyway... It makes me recoil and hide from everything.  I'm fighting that a LOT right now.

I'm sore.
I'm tired.
I'm angry.
I'm frustrated.
I'm alone.

I just feel so wimpy and defeated.

Hashtag Ice Day. Just Kidding

Last night they cancelled all the schools in the area for today. I was hesitant to believe the weatherman's hype, but hopeful all the same, that I'd be able to "Work from home" and really get some things done....

You know all the things I have on my list to do and still haven't done this week?  Yeah, those.

Laundry
Kitchen
Craft Area
Change Sheets
Throw Shit Out..

And today I'm at work b/c the ice didn't stick around and I couldn't log on to my network from home b/c it was being really dumb.

But this weekend, tho'.... Watchout!

I have been diligent with my workouts, though. Mindful of my aches and pains, but pushing myself to do more and strive for the next level.

I felt good on the rower yesterday.  5 rounds of 300m, 20 pushups (knees) and 10 Deadlifts @125#s, all felt pretty solid. I did modify the pushups so that I wouldn't strain my back on coming back up and putting all the pressure on my left foot.  Good news, the right foot really doesn't feel too bad. I am barely recognizing the little tinge of pain that comes and goes. The back pain is less, and it's more muscle ache than it is seized up or spasming.

I'm feeling a bit stronger.  I've been hesitant to say it, but after seeing my measurements and seeing the lean mass number go up, I think it's a good time to start believing it.

Here's the frustrating part.  When I started tracking this stuff using "Beyond the White Board" App, I was 177 lbs. I was stoked for that number... it was about 9 lbs over my lowest recorded weight (I got down to 168 in Jan. 2014 after the flu), but I could deal with it. I was working out. I had gained some muscle.  I wasn't sure how much or what my stats were, but it was a starting place.  I thought for SURE that my weight would start to go down, my body fat would decrease, I would finally be able to say that I didn't fit in the "obese" category anymore, and my lean mass would eat up all the excess fat, my weight would go down, etc... Because in MY head, that's how this thing works.

But maybe I'm wrong.  Okay, I'm probably really wrong in my perception.

But here's my "truth", as you will... The only thing I will say is when you look at this, don't just look at the "weight"... I don't... rather look at the "lean mass" This is the biggest encouragement, and I look forward to seeing that number increase and the weight decrease. That's what I hope for, anyway...

Yes, I've gained 19+ lbs, but 12+  of those have been muscle. That's a lot of muscle. And in 13 days, I've added 2 lbs of lean mass (muscle) (middle pic)... But The reality is that I have 62 lbs of fat on my frame... that's what is keeping me from looking "cut" or "fit"... 

and THAT is my frustration.

But this formula is what keeps me grounded.  And if anyone reading this judges me and wants to call me "not-petite" then go ahead... but if I hear you or see you do it, haha... you just need to rethink that and walk away.  I'm not kidding. I can only be graceful and polite for so long. 

The hilarity here:  I weighed a buck twelve in high school, when I graduated. I've got 18 more lbs of straight up lean muscle on that today.  

So how's that for "perspective"... 

Re-Org

Organization as it correlates to success...

It is absolutely the key to being successful, at least for me. And right now I am just failing at it.

I just need to spend time at home alone and take care of my mess.  I hate that I just suck at keeping up with it. I get lazy, I get busy and before I know it, I'm walking in the door wondering where I can set my purse and not lose it in the chaos in front of me.

It's all a part of that whole "finding balance" thing.

Gym time
Home
Friends
Work
Craft time
Food
Bella
Quiet time

and
Find a house before the lease expires in June.

So I'm making a list... it's going to be a long list, but I think I need to see that I'm checking things off, even if it's a little progress here and there, I need to see that I'm doing something.  I'm going to try to add in those things here, even if it's just to tally what I've done in each category at the conclusion of each post.

Here are my goals for this week: Kitchen clean! Laundry Done! 6 days at the gym!

And for today:

Monday: 
Gym: 5:30-7:30 - Double WOD day. I really WANT to do 15.1, AND I want to work out w/ the ladies at the 6:30 class, so I'm gonna give this whole thing a go.  We'll see if I have the stamina to make it through 2 tough WODs. 1 15 minute WOD, and 1 that's prob. going to be about 18, if I'm on point, or better ;)
Home: Kitchen - I've gotta get this whole kitchen thing in a better rotation, stay on top of the dishes, the mess, cooking, etc... Tonight I'm going to get the dishes taken care of at LEAST! Laundry: at LEAST one or two loads of laundry. I need to learn if I don't stay on top of this, it multiplies like a giant disease and it starts to take over my entire apartment.
Friends: See Gym time  6:30
Work: I'm here...
Craft Time: None - Need to organize my space to do anything...
Food: after I clean the kitchen, I need to take stock of what I have in the freezer & Pantry & make due with what I have on hand. No spending this week.
Bella: Just time to play & wind down, her curled up next to me on the couch.
Quiet Time:  My favorite time of day is the last hour or so before bed, watching the news, wrapping up conversations with friends via text or online, with Law & Order on the tv while I fall asleep.

I think that'll do for now... hopefully I have good and positive things to say about my afternoon / evening when I get back with you tomorrow and map out how my Tuesday will go :)

"Fat Shaming"

At the encouragement from a girlfriend who had recently joined a certain dating app, I did it...

Now let me preface this by saying I LOATHE online dating. I can't tell you how much I actually REALLY hate it. It just feels unauthentic, low quality and somewhat desperate. Not saying it's that way for everyone, but it's really just not my thing.

First day:
Figure this thing out, how does it work? Swipe left, swipe right, shoot, I meant to swipe the other direction. Crap, now I'm stuck with a match I didn't want.

But I'm getting matches, and some seem like decent quality people, looking for similar things, a few reply with messages and chats, they all are very complimentary, "you're beautiful, gorgeous, great smile, pretty eyes, etc..." And for a hot second, I start thinking maybe this isn't so terrible. Maybe I've really been so closed off that I can't take a compliment, but I should take these. After all, they're authentic, right?

Oh, and side note:  Seeing guys I know "sell" their profiles that are entertaining at best... seeing husbands of girls I know (are they / aren't they still married? and if they are WHY are they on here? Do their significant others know what's on their phone?? These guys have kids!) But not my biz and Immediate "nope", b/c I don't even want to consider one of them possibly matching me.

But back to my matches.

Second Day:
I ended up exchanging phone numbers, FB requests, and texts with one guy who toted himself as a gentleman with 2 teenage daughters, "I want to be a good example for them. I don't want them to see me as a POS. I want them to want and see a quality guy and not settle for a dirtbag" (all quotes from our conversation).  I end up sending him to the website for my box that I attend. I know there's a "full body" pic there, and I have nothing to hide. I actually feel more comfortable with this pic, even if I do have chalk on my pants, my hair is a shaggy stray mess, my face is a bit flushed, and the other girls in the pic are obviously smaller than I am, because I'm proud of the work I did that day & I can see it when I look at that photo.

Sure, I see places that need some work. We all have them. Me, just a little more of those are visible than they are on others. 

That being said, I wasn't truly prepared for the conversation that followed. 

Him: Is that you in the grey top?
Me: yes,
Him: How current?
     *(as soon as he sent that, I felt the tide change. I knew what he was thinking.)
Me: um, maybe Sept? Oct?
Him: I have to ask even though I will sound like a pig. Are you still the same size?
     *(this is where I made the conscious decision to be a gracious lady, standing up for myself, and show that at least one of us contained an ounce of tact)
Me: Yep. I'm b/w a 10/12.  And you totally sound like a pig asking that.
Him: I'm sorry but I need someone petite. I had to be upfront and I sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings.

It didn't take long for me to find the awareness that comes with his statement. I was winding down to get ready for bed and all I could think of was "he just pointed out that I"m not "petite" so basically it was the same as being called "fat".

Gasp.

Gulp.

Swallow.

And guess what the first thought was that I had this morning when I woke up?

Yep. Same.

I did delete his number, blocked it, even, deleted him from FB, deleted him as a "match", etc... covered my bases.

Third Day:
This AM I deleted my account on the app, removed the one other I'd "friended" on FB, and deleted the app all together.

This is why I don't do online dating. I definitely prefer, if I'm going to meet someone, that it's someone who sees me in person, knows who they are talking to, what I look like IRL (which is the same as I do in pics, so not sure what the pig was expecting?)

I'll meet a "friend of a friend".  I'll chat with someone who approaches me in a public setting.  I'm good at talking to people face to face.

But as far as online and apps go... Done.

Here's what I'm not done with:
Crossfit - I'm pretty damn proud of the work I do there. and I feel good when I do it.  I'm proud of the accomplishments I have achieved, the strides I've made, the weight I've thrown (And I can totally deadlift that pig, too... )

Feeling Confident where I know I can:  Look. I'm not unattractive. I don't wake up each day and pull my hair back, brush my teeth, put on my makeup, and pick out an outfit to "settle" on looking "ok".  Even when I dress down, I feel like I look good or decent, some days even pretty.  I think this is normal and healthy.

Being around people that make me feel good and happy.  Most of these are my Box mates. Others are concert friends. And there's those few ladies who are my "Sex & The City" girls.  My really close friends I can count on one hand.  But I'm about to have to add in my second just to keep up. Hashtag Blessed :-P

I don't need to be in a relationship. I don't need to date. I just need to be happy with where I am and with what I do.

But if you're ever rejecting someone who you might have had a slight interest in, don't make it about their size or shape. Use your manners, be tactful and don't point out what might be a tender subject for someone. Chances are they're probably insecure about it already and don't need your help.

PRs and what not

Hey there, Hi.

I've been absent for about a week here, so really wanted to get back on track with updating, mind dumping, etc before I got too far away from doing it...

The last couple of weeks, gym-wise, have been good, great and not-so-great.  The strength elements have been exciting and "fun", and I've hit a good number of PRs. 2 of those were during a dedicated CFT day (Crossfit Total), where we work up to our 1 rep max weight on 3 elements: Backsquat, Shoulder (Strict) Press, and Deadlift.

Deadlift: 175#s, THEN 4 days later, 215#s! It's my first time to do anything over 200 lbs!
Backsquat: 157#s, THEN the following week, 185#s!
Push Press 115#s
Bench Press 115#s

These are all really proud moments.

What's suffering now (and will always be something I struggle against), is my endurance.  My WOD times are slipping, in general, & it's super frustrating.I want to feel like I'm making strides there, & I'm just not...

AND I strained my back a little bit trying to be a badass... and the badass kicked me square in the back. well, lower back, but still... it's been bothered since doing the deadlifts and backsquats.

AND my toe is still not 100%, so I'm modifying my movements there, too...

If all this keeps up, I'm not going to be able to do much of anything. I"m just frustrated. I want all the things to be improving and instead I end up hurting myself, which will keep me from improving much more for a little bit.

I want to get faster, more than anything, I just want to feel like my times and my efforts are improving, not just getting stronger.

I want to SEE the tone in my body... not just went I'm brushing my hair, but when I'm wearing tank tops and cute summer dresses... I want my gut not to hang over my jeans.. I want to be able to feel confident and actually look good in a WOD pic.. b/c so far every single one of them makes me just cringe.

Needed: One Good Run of Good Luck

Man, I swear... the second I start feeling some sort of confidence and get excited about fighting through another WOD, esp. one that I know I'll struggle with, but WANT to do, attempt anyways, I have to pull myself back and find another way to do it.

The WOD today is best described as "Hell".

But it didn't scare me,

30 Min. AMRAP
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees
800m run
75 DUs (150 Singles)
20 burpees
400m run
50 DUs (100 Singles)
15 burpees
200m run
25 DUs (50 Singles)
10
200m
25 (50)
10
400m
50 (100)
15
800m
75 (150)
20
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees

Now there's NO way I would finish that in the 30 minute time cap, BUT that doesn't mean I didn't want a good long WOD... I mean I'd prob. only make it thru the first set, but I NEED to run. I NEED to get more consistent with my Singles, and I need to get my burpees skill back to some sort of level.  However, for this, I'd most likely sub those out with my new regular 1 leg push ups, just to keep the movement going.  But the point is I was all set to go... Shoot, even when I woke up before God and er'body, I was looking at it and thought, man, that's gonna be rough, but I could use a good long 30 min WOD. Tolerable.

But then I was sidelined.

I dont know if it's the pressure the deadlifts put on my back yesterday, the level I actually engaged my core and abs doing the other moves, and the post-WOD core work, or some random stomach bug of torture, but whatever it was, I was out.  I'm more sore from trying not to puke than I am from yesterday's workout.

Perk: I lost another lb, so I am at 6 total since 2/2. I didn't take my MNS today, there was no way at all.

I'm supposed to head out to San Antonio tomorrow to see friends and hit up the stock show. That all depends on 1. how I feel 2. how I sleep.

If I, for a really stupid reason, don't get to go, I guess I'll spend Valentine's working on my own heart and try to work in a run, if the weather doesn't suck.

Maybe that will kickstart my Good Run of Good Luck.