The State of Things

I need to kinda do hodgepodge "unload" of things... Not bad things, but I feel like I've gone from not busy, to "WHOA! I'm already through June and It's only Mid-April", and then my heart starts racing and if I don't get things down, make a list, get some control and order in place, then I'm going to set myself up to fail at a LOT of things. 

I don't fail well. 

so sit back and enjoy the read, or don't read at all... ;-) 

Work:

I'm coming up on my 1 yr at my current position. The guy who hired me retired in Dec. and the guy who has become my boss is really great. I genuinely do like him, but I don't feel like I have had enough time with him to understand his expectations.  My role is still being developed, and I was hoping that I would have established myself as an asset to the team by now.  But I'm feeling like I'm expendable. I'm a contractor. I suppose that just comes with the territory.  However, my last job I was an employee and I was let go, so I guess nothing comes with job security anymore. 

Gym:

Things here are kinda the same.  I'm not really hitting many PRs right now, and my times, if anything are slipping backward.  I feel like I'm running slower, my recovery is taking longer, and I'm in a fitness rut.  But I'm still gaining muscle, so that's a good thing. I still don't love running, now dealing with tight calves and the slightest hint of a shin splint on my left leg, so I'm not pushing this a ton. 

Diet:

April 21st. 

60 days. (well technically like 62, since I'm going to June 21st, which is a Sunday)... BUT this is huge. My recent blog post  kinda touched on what's been going through my head, feeling stuck... Adding muscle, not losing fat quick enough, getting stronger, but ultimately gaining weight that I can't explain away, much less justify, etc...   So I'm making some pretty drastic changes. Well not so "super drastic", but big changes for me.  I eat pretty well for the most part.  Well meaning "Clean", few processed foods, structured calories in, exercise out, etc. But I've been using artificial sweeteners since I started drinking tea and coffee, so that's been a while.  I'm cutting it all out. Yes, I'll have a few cheats here and there, but if I go to dinner and don't dive in to the queso, you'll know why. This also means I'm putting my Advocare intake on hiatus until this is done. No spark. No Meal Replacement Shakes. No Rehydrate, None. This will be the biggest challenge of all. I've done it once for 30 days and it was what I missed the most. 

That being said, I'm not quitting Advocare. I'm still going to help people who are interested in learning what it holds, what the products can do, what money they can make if they so choose to see the biz, and live healthy while doing so. I trust Advocare. I love Advocare. The products, the company, the people... I love it all. 

I'm just taking a 62 day break from it and I'll re-introduce things when I get to the other side of this.

 

      - Journal

        Part of this 62 day trial is journaling. I don't know why this is such a daunting and fearful task. I know I'm self deprecating.  I don't like to boast, or brag, or cheer for myself. It's much more exciting and fun when I can do that for other people. Honestly, I haven't let myself think about "Blessings", "wants", "great expectations", etc, mainly out of fear of being let down and disappointed.  I've really just gotten tired of being let down and not seeing those great and positive things come to fruition, so I've adapted to and adopted this mindset of not thinking about those things.  That way it's a "roll with the punches" but I don't feel like I've been let down so much b/c the expectations weren't there. I'm pretty screwed up, I know... 

Massages / Cupping:

I've been getting massages once a month, and could probably do more if I wanted to pay for them :P I am working on strengthening my back and correcting some of my form, so I've had a whole new set of aches and pains that I'm working through. Note: a 215# deadlift will make your head spin and strain your back a little bit ;-)  We also have a gym member who does cupping.  I'd never had it done before, and she was doing free 15 min. sessions at the gym. It was crazy!!! I looked like I had angel wing hickeys on my back :P  Not sure how often I'd get it done, but I wouldn't be opposed to spending some serious time with it again.  

Moving:

So I wanted to buy a house.  That didn't go my way, although I was completely set up and prepared financially.  (See, that whole expectation / let down thing...) BUT Apparently my job isn't good enough for Fannie Mae. It's total crap. SO now I'm in a bit of a quandary. Do I stay in my apartment for another year, making it 9 yrs in one place, out of room where I am, really NEED to move, but can't justify the expense, BUT it would help me get set and get rid of a bunch of crap, OR do I move to a 2 bdrm at my same complex? Because after 8+ yrs w/ them, I'd be dumb to move elsewhere.  I love the area and the complex. My complaint right now is my space. I'm just out of it. But if I don't have a yard w/ the new apt, then I'm staying. That's pretty much what it's come down to. I can't justify moving and spending money to set up all new utilities and the effort and frustration for more money... 

Body Image:

My body image just sucks. I'll admit it. It's that whole self-deprecating thing. It's hard, though. I mean one morning, I'll wake up, no scale, just "feel" like I look "smaller", so I get dressed according to that, have a small bit of confidence, then BAM. I get to work and see myself in the mirror and it's like I never looked in one before I left home. Like one of those "oh that poor girl must not have any friends b/c none of my friends would EVER have let me leave the house looking like THAT!" kind of moment.  Thos happen a lot. And I don't see the changes I feel like I've been fighting for for years, but especially the last year.  I figured I'd start doing crossfit and I'd end up looking like this super fit and fab girl.

I don't.  Not yet, anyway.

Doctors:

I know. I know. I need to go. I don't have time to go and honestly it makes me nervous to think about what all they'll tell me is wrong and then something will get in to my head, like that needs to happen, and I"ll get derailed, I won't be able to work out, my life will change for the worse and it'll all be because I went to the stupid doctor. 

Spring / Summer Fun:

Seriously, my calendar in to June is already full. Where has my year gone?  And I'm supposed to move when? Wait, whaaatt??  But really, I want to spend a lot of time with my girlfriends. I seriously have the most solid group of girlfriends that I've ever had.  I want to do alll the things. But then I get the "I don't have vacation with work, so good luck getting time off and being able to afford that"... I should save some pennies and make it happen. I'll go ahead and add that to my plate, too, because, well, why not.

If you got this far, you're a champ. 

And I'm exhausted, nervous, and not quite sure where to start it all, but I gotta start somewhere. 

What tools do you use to stay organized?

Me? Single? HA! (Always!)

This Buzzfeed article cracked me UP!

So much so that I had to reply to each of the "You're single because..." Assumptions

These were half true, have obnoxious, and mostly ridiculous, but true.  But not really.

1. You're too busy to meet new people.

*probably.

2. You're mixing in the wrong circles.

*maybe, but I like my circles.

3. All your friends settled down super early and don't introduce you to single people any more.

*not really… I have a good mix of single v. marrieds

4. You're too intimidating.

*I've heard this before.

5. You have the aura of someone who isn’t single.

*um, no, I'm pretty sure my aura screams “SINGLE”

6. You're too modest to notice when someone likes you.

*totally. Well maybe not modest, but more so oblivious

7. You've been misremembering your phone number for years.

*No, I know my number. I don't usually give it out.

8. There are loads of people with your name on Facebook, which makes you difficult to find.

*Nope, there’s only one other me and she’s in Louisiana

9. You're better looking than most people.

*duh

10. You live in an ugly area of town.

*no, my part of town is pretty pretty

11. And everyone at your work is ugly, apart from you.

*no, they're just all married or hooked up, I think.

12. And all of your friends are ugly.

*nope.

13. And all of their friends are ugly.

*again, nope.

14. And you are just intimidatingly gorgeous.

*above average, yes. But this, no.

15. Your Tinder pictures are too modest.

*No “Tinder”.

16. Your OkCupid profile doesn’t reflect your shining personality.

*No online dating profiles anywhere.

17. Everyone on match.com is too basic for you.

*see #16

18. You're too independent.

*Probably. But I've had to be.

19. Your political views are too advanced for your generation.

*No, I think those are pretty even and laid back.

20. Your conversation is too intellectual for your peers.

* I can be a bit cerebral and witty… too intellectual? I don’t think so.

21. You're going to the wrong bars.

*Totally.

22. Everyone at the bars you go to is uglier than you.

*Not uglier, just younger.

23. And more stupid.

*See #22

24. And less fun.

*Oh I'm fun, I’m just the less fun one.

25. You're too spontaneous, and people can’t keep up.

*Spontaneity scares me.

26. People are too exhausted to hang out with you because you’re so much fun.

*No, it’s more or less the other way around.

27. Your star quality is so bright, it blinds potential suitors.

* I think it’s dulled down a little bit.

28. Your personality is so warm, it makes people sweat.

*This could be part of it.

29. You’re so hot, you burn anyone who looks at you too long.

*Whatever. Shut up.

30. Your conversation is so deep that after talking to you people have to ponder your thoughts for weeks, and that’s why they never call you back.

*Yeah, I totally over-think and go off on random, irrelevant tangents.

31. You’re so sassy, people are afraid of your shade.

*I’m a classy sassy, or at least I try to be.

32. People like you so much that they can’t risk asking you out for fear of rejection.

*Yeah, whatever. Short list, if any.

33. You’re so cool that people don’t want to be compared to you.

*Yeah, that’s it. Smh.

34. You’re too revolutionary.

*Huh?

35. People assume that phones are too mainstream for you, and so never ask for your number.

*I can guarantee this isn’t it at all.

36. You’re such a catch, people can’t believe you’re not taken.

*Totally

37. You’re so funny, people always wet themselves in your company and then don’t want to get too close in case you smell the pee.

*Oh, well that makes complete (albeit disgusting) sense.

38. You’re so interesting that people are scared of boring you with their mundane chat.

*Doubtful.

39. People assume you’re so cultured you've seen every film ever made, so they never ask you to go to the cinema with them.

*More doubtful (more of the “I’m not cultured enough and  probably wouldn't understand it")

40. People think you’re too responsible for alcohol so don’t ask you out for drinks.

*Ha! Ha! Ha! My friends know better

41. People think you’re so fit you must run everywhere so never ask you to go for a walk in the park with them.

*More that I can’t keep up, so the walk would take too long.

42. People think you’re so creative that all art ever made must bore you, so never ask you to go to a museum with them.

*No, I’m just a crazy craft lady.  They are all very scared of the mess.

43. You’re so godly, people assume you’re not human and don’t eat normal food so don’t ask you out to dinner.

*Godly?  Haha. I don’t think that’s ever been thought of about me.  

44. People think you are just so great and beautiful and interesting and funny that there is no way in hell you can be single, and if you were you would never go out with them, and that is why you are still looking for someone as equally fabulous as you.

*Exactly. ;-)

8 day streak...

SO I've managed to log in to My Fitness Pal for 8 days and I have tracked pretty close, if not on the dot, to my caloric intake.

Good and Bad.

I'd lost 3 lbs after like 4 days, then I added them right back on this weekend w/ food and drink consumption on Thursday & Saturday.

I haven't done any of my 5K walking, either.

This week I'm getting 10 meals from Fixed Foods delivered, so I'll be doing those for Lunch & dinner.  I'll see how much of a difference that will make.  Basically, if I don't eat anything outside of my usual with that, I'll have my Advocare Shakes for breakfast, Almonds / Fruit for snack, and my FF meals for lunch and dinner.  All but the Advocare is Paleo.

It's been a slow transition and maybe one day I'll go 100%, but I need to exercise this dedication and commitment to myself. I HAVE to see something change. I HAVE to see the inches change.

Y'all, I don't care about the scale. I really don't. I care about how I look. I know I don't see a lot of the changes that everyone else sees, and that's my fault for being that hard on myself, but I own it. I'll take full responsibility for it.

The measuring tape is what I CAN see change.

And when that doesn't and the scale goes up, the fat percentage stays the same, and I can't justify the number on the scale, much less understand why or what is happening, THAT is my weight issue.

Justifying it, understanding it, being able to look at some fat-shaming asshole and tell him "The scale may say THIS, and I might be a size 10/12, BUT my percentage is spot on and I have THIS much of my weight in muscle". and be able to walk off and feel like I just won at life...

THAT is what I want.

Justifiable pride.

So tomorrow I'll log back in again.

Food Tracking. Again.

So Last post I was detailing my frustration with my adding lean mass, (weight), and not losing much body fat, scared to hit the 200 mark again, and not understanding out how my output (workouts) wasn't helping or making a difference in this, when I know I have the tools to make it happen.

My frustration hasn't gone away.  I try not to think about it, because I really do enjoy my food, and I'll be damned if I'm going to get to a point where I don't. That would be SO sad. Devastating, actually.

I mentioned it to my coach, prefacing that I wasn't trying to be negative or self-deprecating, but rather just frustrated trying to make sense of it all.  She offered to take a look at my food for the next two weeks, and see if there's something she's noticing, that I'm not, which is being counter productive to my progress, or lack there of.

So today, I jumped back on myfitnesspal and started tracking my food again.  I'd say I'd track my fitness, but I really don't have any idea how many calories I'm burning on what day at the gym.  Some days it's more, others, not so much.  It really varies with each WOD.

Honestly, okay, I "should" go to the dr. I don't have a GP.  I dread going to a new one because it's been years, honestly, since I've had any sort of check up.  I live in my world where I go to the Dr. when I know something is wrong and I need it fixed.  I had pain in my foot.  Went to the Dr.  I couldn't shake the Upper Respiratory Infection, turns out it was the Flu (a year and a half ago), but I went to the Dr. then, too... rather the "clinic"... I don't have a Dr, but I've got a couple of recommendations. But just Ugh. SO inconvenient.  I kinda like living in my "ignorance is bliss" reality. I fear being limited when I feel like I'm finally in a good place and making good strides for myself, and for the most part, I'm okay.  Just all the testing, all the pokes, pricks, "try this" bull crap... I don't want it. I hate having an excuse for anything...

I'm so stubborn, I know.

Hard Headed and Stubborn.

You can make sure they put that on my headstone or plaque one day...

But for now, I'm just tracking my food.

Staying Positive

I dont know if it's the changing of the seasons, the exasperation with winter, the anticipation of spring, the time change, the let downs, the amount of overwhelming sadness my friends are dealing with, or just all of the things combined, but griping and being defensive about everything has been WAY too easy lately.

Does that make sense?

It's SO difficult to be positive around others, and even more so to myself, when I know those around me are hurting.

I was challenged by my coach to be positive for one week. I know I need to, and I owe it to myself to be.

So here it goes:

I loved the Scaled 15.4 WOD.
8 minutes, short and sweet.
10 Push Presses (65 lbs)
10 Power Cleans (75 lbs)

I'm stoked with my efforts. I ended up with 86 reps and my only complaint is that I didn't have quicker rests that would have helped me get 90 even.

I'm starting to see some tone in places I wasn't sure even existed.  I do wish that other people could see them when I'm just doing my everyday things, wearing my every day clothes. I'm working on trying to make that happen, I just need to figure out the diet to workout ratio.

I feel myself getting stronger with the weights and my efforts are noticeable. Now to get those to translate in to other non-weighted movements... In time, right?

I did gain 2. 6 lbs last month, 2.4 of them being lean mass (muscle) & my body fat % went down by half a point, so that's all great.  The frustration I have is that my weight is climbing, and I'm not looking or getting leaner. I am still carrying 60+ lbs of fat.  Ideally I'd love to lose about 40 lbs of the fat, and end up living around 145-155 lbs. I can totally justify that weight if my body reflects it as muscle and tone.  But living at 194, just 6 lbs shy of 200, still not looking like I do much of anything fitness wise, that's hard. I'm not trying to be negative, but it's really hard to process mentally.

So I've upped my calorie output, and have started walking a 5K 3-4 times a week during my lunch hour, and eat paleo pretty much every day for lunch, with a meal replacement protein shake for breakfast, and usually something small and fairly lean for dinner.  I eat "clean" 85/15 ratio...

So I guess what I need to do is focus on my macros next, and getting those figured out.  It just seems so daunting.

I'm also starting to purge my apartment so I can move in to a larger one this summer, hopefully a 2 bdrm w/ a small yard for the pup.

I just need to remember not to overwhelm myself.

I can do it, right?

Wimpy

It's crazy how quick I can go from feeling like I won a race, even if I came in last, to feeling like I can't do anything and the thought of putting on my Nanos seems like it's too much.

that's me today. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to walk in and have to socialize with anyone. I don't want to answer questions about "are you okay?" "What's going on?" "You've been distant lately"... but here's the answers.

1. No, I'm upset, annoyed and frankly I'm pissed off at things that have nothing to do with the gym or any one person in particular. I'm angry at a system that punishes people for being successful in anything, because it doesn't meet some stupid "guideline" on what one group deems "acceptable" or "good enough".  So I'm stuck in a place I can't buy myself out of right now and I'm pissed off about it. So much for following the "rules".

2. See above. And there's more, I just don't want to talk about it.

3 No kidding... see last sentence on #2.

When you keep taking these little steps forward, to get to a place in your life that you've earned, and then get knocked down because someone is judging you on paper, says "not good enough" and then someone who's supposed to love you treats you as "inconvenient", it's not something that makes you want to jump out and say "look at me"... well for me, anyway... It makes me recoil and hide from everything.  I'm fighting that a LOT right now.

I'm sore.
I'm tired.
I'm angry.
I'm frustrated.
I'm alone.

I just feel so wimpy and defeated.

Hashtag Ice Day. Just Kidding

Last night they cancelled all the schools in the area for today. I was hesitant to believe the weatherman's hype, but hopeful all the same, that I'd be able to "Work from home" and really get some things done....

You know all the things I have on my list to do and still haven't done this week?  Yeah, those.

Laundry
Kitchen
Craft Area
Change Sheets
Throw Shit Out..

And today I'm at work b/c the ice didn't stick around and I couldn't log on to my network from home b/c it was being really dumb.

But this weekend, tho'.... Watchout!

I have been diligent with my workouts, though. Mindful of my aches and pains, but pushing myself to do more and strive for the next level.

I felt good on the rower yesterday.  5 rounds of 300m, 20 pushups (knees) and 10 Deadlifts @125#s, all felt pretty solid. I did modify the pushups so that I wouldn't strain my back on coming back up and putting all the pressure on my left foot.  Good news, the right foot really doesn't feel too bad. I am barely recognizing the little tinge of pain that comes and goes. The back pain is less, and it's more muscle ache than it is seized up or spasming.

I'm feeling a bit stronger.  I've been hesitant to say it, but after seeing my measurements and seeing the lean mass number go up, I think it's a good time to start believing it.

Here's the frustrating part.  When I started tracking this stuff using "Beyond the White Board" App, I was 177 lbs. I was stoked for that number... it was about 9 lbs over my lowest recorded weight (I got down to 168 in Jan. 2014 after the flu), but I could deal with it. I was working out. I had gained some muscle.  I wasn't sure how much or what my stats were, but it was a starting place.  I thought for SURE that my weight would start to go down, my body fat would decrease, I would finally be able to say that I didn't fit in the "obese" category anymore, and my lean mass would eat up all the excess fat, my weight would go down, etc... Because in MY head, that's how this thing works.

But maybe I'm wrong.  Okay, I'm probably really wrong in my perception.

But here's my "truth", as you will... The only thing I will say is when you look at this, don't just look at the "weight"... I don't... rather look at the "lean mass" This is the biggest encouragement, and I look forward to seeing that number increase and the weight decrease. That's what I hope for, anyway...

Yes, I've gained 19+ lbs, but 12+  of those have been muscle. That's a lot of muscle. And in 13 days, I've added 2 lbs of lean mass (muscle) (middle pic)... But The reality is that I have 62 lbs of fat on my frame... that's what is keeping me from looking "cut" or "fit"... 

and THAT is my frustration.

But this formula is what keeps me grounded.  And if anyone reading this judges me and wants to call me "not-petite" then go ahead... but if I hear you or see you do it, haha... you just need to rethink that and walk away.  I'm not kidding. I can only be graceful and polite for so long. 

The hilarity here:  I weighed a buck twelve in high school, when I graduated. I've got 18 more lbs of straight up lean muscle on that today.  

So how's that for "perspective"... 

Re-Org

Organization as it correlates to success...

It is absolutely the key to being successful, at least for me. And right now I am just failing at it.

I just need to spend time at home alone and take care of my mess.  I hate that I just suck at keeping up with it. I get lazy, I get busy and before I know it, I'm walking in the door wondering where I can set my purse and not lose it in the chaos in front of me.

It's all a part of that whole "finding balance" thing.

Gym time
Home
Friends
Work
Craft time
Food
Bella
Quiet time

and
Find a house before the lease expires in June.

So I'm making a list... it's going to be a long list, but I think I need to see that I'm checking things off, even if it's a little progress here and there, I need to see that I'm doing something.  I'm going to try to add in those things here, even if it's just to tally what I've done in each category at the conclusion of each post.

Here are my goals for this week: Kitchen clean! Laundry Done! 6 days at the gym!

And for today:

Monday: 
Gym: 5:30-7:30 - Double WOD day. I really WANT to do 15.1, AND I want to work out w/ the ladies at the 6:30 class, so I'm gonna give this whole thing a go.  We'll see if I have the stamina to make it through 2 tough WODs. 1 15 minute WOD, and 1 that's prob. going to be about 18, if I'm on point, or better ;)
Home: Kitchen - I've gotta get this whole kitchen thing in a better rotation, stay on top of the dishes, the mess, cooking, etc... Tonight I'm going to get the dishes taken care of at LEAST! Laundry: at LEAST one or two loads of laundry. I need to learn if I don't stay on top of this, it multiplies like a giant disease and it starts to take over my entire apartment.
Friends: See Gym time  6:30
Work: I'm here...
Craft Time: None - Need to organize my space to do anything...
Food: after I clean the kitchen, I need to take stock of what I have in the freezer & Pantry & make due with what I have on hand. No spending this week.
Bella: Just time to play & wind down, her curled up next to me on the couch.
Quiet Time:  My favorite time of day is the last hour or so before bed, watching the news, wrapping up conversations with friends via text or online, with Law & Order on the tv while I fall asleep.

I think that'll do for now... hopefully I have good and positive things to say about my afternoon / evening when I get back with you tomorrow and map out how my Tuesday will go :)

"Fat Shaming"

At the encouragement from a girlfriend who had recently joined a certain dating app, I did it...

Now let me preface this by saying I LOATHE online dating. I can't tell you how much I actually REALLY hate it. It just feels unauthentic, low quality and somewhat desperate. Not saying it's that way for everyone, but it's really just not my thing.

First day:
Figure this thing out, how does it work? Swipe left, swipe right, shoot, I meant to swipe the other direction. Crap, now I'm stuck with a match I didn't want.

But I'm getting matches, and some seem like decent quality people, looking for similar things, a few reply with messages and chats, they all are very complimentary, "you're beautiful, gorgeous, great smile, pretty eyes, etc..." And for a hot second, I start thinking maybe this isn't so terrible. Maybe I've really been so closed off that I can't take a compliment, but I should take these. After all, they're authentic, right?

Oh, and side note:  Seeing guys I know "sell" their profiles that are entertaining at best... seeing husbands of girls I know (are they / aren't they still married? and if they are WHY are they on here? Do their significant others know what's on their phone?? These guys have kids!) But not my biz and Immediate "nope", b/c I don't even want to consider one of them possibly matching me.

But back to my matches.

Second Day:
I ended up exchanging phone numbers, FB requests, and texts with one guy who toted himself as a gentleman with 2 teenage daughters, "I want to be a good example for them. I don't want them to see me as a POS. I want them to want and see a quality guy and not settle for a dirtbag" (all quotes from our conversation).  I end up sending him to the website for my box that I attend. I know there's a "full body" pic there, and I have nothing to hide. I actually feel more comfortable with this pic, even if I do have chalk on my pants, my hair is a shaggy stray mess, my face is a bit flushed, and the other girls in the pic are obviously smaller than I am, because I'm proud of the work I did that day & I can see it when I look at that photo.

Sure, I see places that need some work. We all have them. Me, just a little more of those are visible than they are on others. 

That being said, I wasn't truly prepared for the conversation that followed. 

Him: Is that you in the grey top?
Me: yes,
Him: How current?
     *(as soon as he sent that, I felt the tide change. I knew what he was thinking.)
Me: um, maybe Sept? Oct?
Him: I have to ask even though I will sound like a pig. Are you still the same size?
     *(this is where I made the conscious decision to be a gracious lady, standing up for myself, and show that at least one of us contained an ounce of tact)
Me: Yep. I'm b/w a 10/12.  And you totally sound like a pig asking that.
Him: I'm sorry but I need someone petite. I had to be upfront and I sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings.

It didn't take long for me to find the awareness that comes with his statement. I was winding down to get ready for bed and all I could think of was "he just pointed out that I"m not "petite" so basically it was the same as being called "fat".

Gasp.

Gulp.

Swallow.

And guess what the first thought was that I had this morning when I woke up?

Yep. Same.

I did delete his number, blocked it, even, deleted him from FB, deleted him as a "match", etc... covered my bases.

Third Day:
This AM I deleted my account on the app, removed the one other I'd "friended" on FB, and deleted the app all together.

This is why I don't do online dating. I definitely prefer, if I'm going to meet someone, that it's someone who sees me in person, knows who they are talking to, what I look like IRL (which is the same as I do in pics, so not sure what the pig was expecting?)

I'll meet a "friend of a friend".  I'll chat with someone who approaches me in a public setting.  I'm good at talking to people face to face.

But as far as online and apps go... Done.

Here's what I'm not done with:
Crossfit - I'm pretty damn proud of the work I do there. and I feel good when I do it.  I'm proud of the accomplishments I have achieved, the strides I've made, the weight I've thrown (And I can totally deadlift that pig, too... )

Feeling Confident where I know I can:  Look. I'm not unattractive. I don't wake up each day and pull my hair back, brush my teeth, put on my makeup, and pick out an outfit to "settle" on looking "ok".  Even when I dress down, I feel like I look good or decent, some days even pretty.  I think this is normal and healthy.

Being around people that make me feel good and happy.  Most of these are my Box mates. Others are concert friends. And there's those few ladies who are my "Sex & The City" girls.  My really close friends I can count on one hand.  But I'm about to have to add in my second just to keep up. Hashtag Blessed :-P

I don't need to be in a relationship. I don't need to date. I just need to be happy with where I am and with what I do.

But if you're ever rejecting someone who you might have had a slight interest in, don't make it about their size or shape. Use your manners, be tactful and don't point out what might be a tender subject for someone. Chances are they're probably insecure about it already and don't need your help.

PRs and what not

Hey there, Hi.

I've been absent for about a week here, so really wanted to get back on track with updating, mind dumping, etc before I got too far away from doing it...

The last couple of weeks, gym-wise, have been good, great and not-so-great.  The strength elements have been exciting and "fun", and I've hit a good number of PRs. 2 of those were during a dedicated CFT day (Crossfit Total), where we work up to our 1 rep max weight on 3 elements: Backsquat, Shoulder (Strict) Press, and Deadlift.

Deadlift: 175#s, THEN 4 days later, 215#s! It's my first time to do anything over 200 lbs!
Backsquat: 157#s, THEN the following week, 185#s!
Push Press 115#s
Bench Press 115#s

These are all really proud moments.

What's suffering now (and will always be something I struggle against), is my endurance.  My WOD times are slipping, in general, & it's super frustrating.I want to feel like I'm making strides there, & I'm just not...

AND I strained my back a little bit trying to be a badass... and the badass kicked me square in the back. well, lower back, but still... it's been bothered since doing the deadlifts and backsquats.

AND my toe is still not 100%, so I'm modifying my movements there, too...

If all this keeps up, I'm not going to be able to do much of anything. I"m just frustrated. I want all the things to be improving and instead I end up hurting myself, which will keep me from improving much more for a little bit.

I want to get faster, more than anything, I just want to feel like my times and my efforts are improving, not just getting stronger.

I want to SEE the tone in my body... not just went I'm brushing my hair, but when I'm wearing tank tops and cute summer dresses... I want my gut not to hang over my jeans.. I want to be able to feel confident and actually look good in a WOD pic.. b/c so far every single one of them makes me just cringe.

Needed: One Good Run of Good Luck

Man, I swear... the second I start feeling some sort of confidence and get excited about fighting through another WOD, esp. one that I know I'll struggle with, but WANT to do, attempt anyways, I have to pull myself back and find another way to do it.

The WOD today is best described as "Hell".

But it didn't scare me,

30 Min. AMRAP
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees
800m run
75 DUs (150 Singles)
20 burpees
400m run
50 DUs (100 Singles)
15 burpees
200m run
25 DUs (50 Singles)
10
200m
25 (50)
10
400m
50 (100)
15
800m
75 (150)
20
1200m run
100 DUs (200 Singles)
25 burpees

Now there's NO way I would finish that in the 30 minute time cap, BUT that doesn't mean I didn't want a good long WOD... I mean I'd prob. only make it thru the first set, but I NEED to run. I NEED to get more consistent with my Singles, and I need to get my burpees skill back to some sort of level.  However, for this, I'd most likely sub those out with my new regular 1 leg push ups, just to keep the movement going.  But the point is I was all set to go... Shoot, even when I woke up before God and er'body, I was looking at it and thought, man, that's gonna be rough, but I could use a good long 30 min WOD. Tolerable.

But then I was sidelined.

I dont know if it's the pressure the deadlifts put on my back yesterday, the level I actually engaged my core and abs doing the other moves, and the post-WOD core work, or some random stomach bug of torture, but whatever it was, I was out.  I'm more sore from trying not to puke than I am from yesterday's workout.

Perk: I lost another lb, so I am at 6 total since 2/2. I didn't take my MNS today, there was no way at all.

I'm supposed to head out to San Antonio tomorrow to see friends and hit up the stock show. That all depends on 1. how I feel 2. how I sleep.

If I, for a really stupid reason, don't get to go, I guess I'll spend Valentine's working on my own heart and try to work in a run, if the weather doesn't suck.

Maybe that will kickstart my Good Run of Good Luck.

Paleo Baseline Take 2.

What. The. Hell.

I actually added a minute and 4 seconds to my time.  Mentally, physically, ability, weight wise, food wise, everything, I was prepared to beat my previous time.  Heck, after I finished it in January, I was mortified b/c my time was so terrible. But I knew I was unprepared. I could understand it, I could explain it.

Yesterday's effort, I'm at a loss.

I didn't want the hi-fives. I didn't feel like I earned it. I did everything the same, minus upping the push-ups off my knees, but still no burpees, no running, 10 lb wall ball, banded pull ups... my row splits were right on.. I expected to have a good 8 min of rowing total. That was spot on.

Nothing to explain that extra minute+.

I didn't practice the movements enough. I didn't put in the work.  I just expected things to be better.

So I'll take the responsibility, stop looking for an explanation, accept where it lies, and push myself to do this again, in another 30 days and see if I can make that time eat itself.


We also have the Crossfit Games coming up at the end of February.  I'm not signing up, b/c I don't need the t-shirt, I won't be competitive, but I know we'll have the WODs planned throughout the event, so I'll do the work.  I enjoyed doing them last year, even made up the ones I was out of town for, just to say that I did. They're always tough, but definitely a good measure of skill, agility, and ability.

I just need endurance to swing a little bit in my direction. I just don't really know how to make that happen.

The other thing I've got going on, in relation to my fitness (or lack thereof) is my 24 Day Challenge.  Today is day 10, so I'm wrapping up my cleanse phase and tomorrow I'll take my measurements & weight, and start the Max Phase.  As of yesterday, I was down 5 lbs and I know I've cut a few inches.  Both needed to be done. I'm hopeful I'll drop even more lbs in the next 14 days, and get a few more inches trimmed up. I like the changes I'm already seeing and it feels good to have my food under control again.

Ultimately I'm in control of everything here.  My food, my fitness, my health. I'm in charge, so if it fails and I don't get the results I want, this is all on me.

If it's not working, change it, tweak it until it does.  I KNOW I'll find the right mix of everything. I KNOW I have the right tools.  I just need to get it all in check and stay focused.

The Friendly Comp

I did it.

I competed, completed 3 WODs, got judged, and honestly didn't have time to think through the whole thing, which lasted around 2 hrs.

The irony of doing this thing was that I didn't consciously make a real decision to participate. It just sort of happened.  Had I thought about it at all, I would have said no. I don't like competition. I like being a spectator of competitions, but it's a very uneasy and nervous feeling for me.

Irony = A second place finish in the Women's Scaled Division with a partner who wasn't in it to compete, either, and is very new (like a month) in to Crossfit.  She was stellar! Such a rockstar! It was fun to do that with a partner.  I think she's a Crossfit natural.

So that's done, in the books, and I'm good with the accomplishment.

Things I learned:

* I can Push Press 115#s over my head.  Last I had logged, I was at 90#s. That's a 25# improvement.
* WODs that finish in just under 5 minutes are great!
* I still can't do lunges (boo!)
* 1-legged push ups are a whole new kind of push-up (take that, stupid toe!)
* Burpees still suck.  That's old news. Definitely not learned yesterday.
* I make the most ridiculous faces when I work out and they aren't even cute.  I need to wear a mask.
* I don't squat down as far as I thought I did, so I still need to work a bit more on that consistent depth thing.
* I will never have a "cute" workout pic. I don't even think those exist.
* Second place feels the same as any other place on the podium. I still laugh thinking that I actually ended up there.

Will I do it again?  Prob. not.

At least not in a public arena. Being judged in any capacity, regardless of ability or confidence, is one of the most crippling feelings ever.

It was friendly.  It was not un-fun, And I did it.

I keep forgetting...

Then I remember...

I have a freaking "competition" this weekend.

Okay, so it's not "competing" with strangers, with the general public watching and invited and everything, but it's a competition at our box.

I'm not really nervous about doing the work.  I'm nervous about being or appearing vulnerable.  About being watched by my peers. I never have really thrived on spectator attention. Being coached, encouraged as I finish last during a WOD, okay... but that's generally like 4 people.  There will be more there watching me finish last, or close to it, I'm sure.

We are competing against / with one another, as partners, and I don't know who my partner is yet... that'll be determined on Saturday morning, I guess, by our coaches.  And I already feel sorry for the person that gets paired with me. The last thing I want is to let my partner down, slow them down, make them finish way past what they deserve.

Then we get 3 WODs to do...  I've never done 2 WODs in a day, much less 3.

I just don't want to embarrass myself.

Fear of failure.

I had to learn how to fail on a 1 rep max. That wasn't a fun lesson. It was more fun to play it safe and be successful. It's always more fun to be successful and in control.

See, none of this is about strength.  This is all mental.

And I feel completely unprepared and insecure about every single element.

Injury, weight gain, modified movements b/c of said injury, etc...

It's a really mean cycle.

I guess for now, though, I'm going to try to not remember for a little bit and see what I can do to attack the WOD in front of me today...

I still have 2 full days to panic and remind myself not to vomit on Saturday.

Depth

I remember when we (okay, I) started doing squats, air squats, front / back, KB, anything that required me to drop my ass toward the floor, with or without equipment, I would see these frog squats and silently, in my head think "oh hell no".

Last night doing back squats, I'm still working back up to my pre-injury max, which was 170#s, I was at about 120 and one of the coaches comes by and says "You're getting a lot better depth in your squats.  Great work!"  I don't care who you are, when someone who is ridiculously good at breaking form down and really focuses on it gives you a compliment, that feels really good.

I have depth.

Who knew.

Feels like Friday... but...

It's only Thursday.

I think this week has been on of the toughest, as far as WODs are concerned.  SO many shoulders!!! And SO much running!!! It all feels extra heavy, but I feel like I'm finally getting my work out back...

Maybe it was stepping on the scale (I know, I know...blah).
Maybe it's getting those baby runs in on Saturday.
Maybe it was the longer 800m run on Monday.
Maybe it's having my food in order.
Maybe it's a little bit of all of that combined.

I dunno. I feel like my schedule is falling back in place and that's a really good feeling. What didn't feel so great is knowing what I weighed a month ago, getting on the scale this week and seeing that it'd gone up another lb and a few oz. My clothes aren't feeling very comfortable right now.  the back and arms thing, I know that's muscle related, but the pants being too tight, the jeans that feel like I'm encased like a sausage, the shirts that ride up, the saddle bags that seemingly have come back overnight, my self image and confidence have taken a hit and it's all my fault.

Today I wore leggings and a super slouchy loose knit sweater thing.  I lucked out that it's long and covers my bum.  I couldn't handle another day of wondering if I'd be able to wiggle out of my clothes.

I'm actually feeling pretty confident about the WOD tonight... it includes Weighted sit-ups, which is one of my faves... and let's be honest, I could really use the fluff help. One of these days, when I'm not hitting my gut with the barbell when I'm doing cleans, I'll think it's funny.

Right now, it's just depressing

Running "Jackie"

Honestly, I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I walked in to the box yesterday.  I'd seen the WOD posted, and saw the 800m run to kick it off...

This was after doing a 5x5 backsquat pre-WOD. (I'm still trying to work my way back up on that one...

That being said, legs were already going to be worked before I hit the concrete.

Row or Run.

That was my question.

What was going to leave me with enough gas in the tank to knock out 50 35# thrusters when I got done?

And THEN allow me to be consistent with the 30 assisted pull ups I still had on the table after the thrusters.

This was my first time meeting "Jackie", I think, so I didn't have a lot to go off of. I only knew "the foot" and that I'd just done my first set of 200m runs on Saturday that didn't bother me at all, so....

I ran the 800.

The fun thing is that it didn't totally suck. I actually made it to about the 600m point before I paused and walked a few steps before finishing it out.  It was so much easier to do than a 400.  I just think 400s are the WORST!

Those thrusters?  I did them in sets of 10 for the most part.  the last 2 sets, those were broke down into 5s.  I didn't feel like dying. THAT is a miracle! Thrusters are the worst lung burner ever. Imagine squishing your diaphragm and trying to breathe.  It just sucks. But at 35#s, manageable.

The pull-ups, though... I even used the bar w/ the grip on it, used the green w/ the black bands, and I still lost SO much time.  My height was consistent, (I think), but I kept feeling dizzy, and out of sync, so I had to keep resetting.

I finished in 14:06. It's a time that needs improvement, but it's a time that I'm okay with.  I've learned to allow myself a few moments of leniency. to adapt to the things I can, and not let the others weigh down my progress.  Every day I'm there, I'm getting stronger.

I've also been good and feel GREAT with getting my food back on track.  It seems like it's been months since I can confidently say that, and I'm sure it has been... I hate getting lazy, being lazy, and staying lazy... but I'm SO good at it...

touche'.

I start my next 24 day challenge on Monday, Feb. 2nd. I can't wait! I'm ready to get rid of the toxins, up my energy, sleep better, feel better, and lose a few lbs & inches along the way. I'll be sure to share results as I go along. 

ALLLL the Running!!!

The last time I ran in a WOD was Oct. 29, 2014.

I haven't run any, other than a jog from my door to the grass so Bella could sniff all the grass.

Today it was 200m x3.

Being mindful of putting equal pressure on my foot, a steady pace, not too fast (really, that's never been a problem, HA!), and leading with the left foot.

The weighted / overhead lunges are still a no go... I tried, but ended up subbing them out with weighted squats.  Not the same, but still working my legs. *YAY*

I'm still nervous about trying out the burpees, but I guess they will happen when my foot is 100% ready.  I'm not going to do anything too fast. That being said, I'm getting SO strong with my pushups.  My Triceps are going to be huge! HAHA!

Not really, but they feel like the size of baseballs when they're on fire.

It took me a while to get to the point where I didn't feel like 200 was going to kill me.  And 400s, haha, what a joke.  I didn't love the 400s before injury, and I don't think I will love them when I'm back on my game, but honestly, I'm appreciating every step more and I know when I need to pull back.

If I've learned anything in all of this ridiculousness, it's to listen to what my aches and pains are telling me and when it doesn't get better, pushing it just to be in the game won't do me any favors.

I'm SO lucky to have the coaches and the members around me that I do.  I know for a fact that if I'd had this happen on my own, I would have quit. I would have been so discouraged and I would have fallen back in to 2009 all over again.

So bring it on.

ALL the Running!!!

In case no one has told you lately...

I want YOU to know...

You are worth SO much more than you can ever imagine.

Trust me.



Few things break my heart more than seeing the friends I love and cherish devalue themselves or become blind to seeing their self worth;  compromising their core because they don't know or see how to change their circumstance, or maybe they don't think about it, it just becomes a 'fight or flight"...

Obviously, I'm not in that situation, but we've all been in and through things that we react first and respond to later, or maybe we don't respond at all, but deep down know we aren't in the right place.

Be strong enough to do what you need to do for you and those you love.
Be strong enough to make the best choices, not the easiest ones.
Be determined enough to pursue those things with complete abandon, regardless of what those around you think.
Do it because it's what is right for you, not just what is right now for you.
Don't sell me on your justifications. If it's the right thing, you won't feel like you have to.
Don't explain them.
DO them.

I don't judge you.
I choose to care.
I choose you to be in my sphere, near or far.
I'm influencing you, and I wouldn't be doing it correctly, or appropriately if I didn't encourage you to CHOOSE YOU!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have a friend who I know needs to see the above, which was my motivation for writing it.  Who knows, maybe you did, too. OR maybe you have someone who does?  If that's the case, don't be afraid to tell them.

This is what I do know... I struggle with choosing myself ALL THE DANG TIME!
I find myself wanting to choose things for others, and a lot of the time, I end up hurting myself, mentally, emotionally, bad diet, messy house, stress, fitness, other relationships / friendships, etc.

The balance is SO hard to achieve in living a good healthy life, being a good friend, a solid positive influence, and not forget about yourself, without sounding selfish. But I believe that sometimes being selfish is exactly the best thing and can bring some of the best moments, not just for you but for those around you, too.

I've skipped out on invitations to dinners, drinks, bar hops, out of town trips, concerts, painting classes, all kind of fun things, and made choices that were better for me, and thus allowing me to be better for my friends.  Sometimes there are those that don't understand it, and for them, well, their loss, honestly.

So don't forget to take care of yourself and in doing so, you'll help take care of those around you.

Paleo Baseline = Suck.

So each year we do our Paleo challenge, which comes with a Baseline WOD that we do on days 1 and 30.

I told you guys yesterday that I wasn't prepared, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that I was woefully unprepared. I just sucked.

My time and performance yesterday was so sub par compared to what I know I can do.  I just didn't have anything in the tank to get it done the way I wanted to.  Realizing that I have to work back up to things I was doing with ease before, switching from a 14lb wall ball to a 10 lb one, doing a green band pull up, wishing I'd used a green / black combo b/c my body weight felt like 2 tons, pulling the rower felt like I was never going to get to the end...

The only thing I did feel really good about was my bench press after the WOD was done.


The lesson:

A fellow crossfit friend called me last night after her Baseline WOD, and she was equally as frustrated with her performance.  I found myself giving her the advice I needed to hear myself.

We may not be where we want to be, we may be slow, we may be last, but we're ahead of where we were a year ago.

It comes down to this.

As a flute student, if I wanted to get better, I had to practice.  I took private lessons. I spent HOURS with just me and my instrument working on scales, breathing, noodling, transitions.  Micro-movements with my pinky finger.  Every single tiny element had to have focus and study in order for me to get better.  Just showing up and playing through the 30-45 mins in class each day wasn't going to make me a better flute player.  I had to be the student of my instrument, of my skill. That was on me.  I didn't get to be first chair because I was cordial.  I earned it by being a good student and knew my craft and my instrument.

The same thing goes for Crossfit.  Me showing up and working out each day isn't going to necessarily make me better, more efficient, more apt.  I have to practice even when I'm not there.  I have to take my own time to come in and work on the elements I want to get better at.

I want to run faster?  Practice running. Break down my movements. Focus on the short run.  Focus on my breathing.  Focus on how my foot rolls when I'm moving forward.

Every single tiny element makes a difference.  Transitions. Shoes. Arms. Shoulders. Tension (or lack there of)... Everything.

Break it down.

Get better.

I've got 29 days until we do this WOD again. I'm going to be working on the things I can do to improve my time.  I know I can do this and shave a good 5 mins off.

Goal set.